Happy Birthday To Me?

August 8^th was my 60^th Birthday, I had no desire to be at home for it, I’ve certainly no appetite to party and celebrate. I’d previously discussed the topic in a chat with Casper and he suggested I go over to his place, it made so much sense and yes it felt like I was ‘running away’ from my problems.

I thought I’d been smart I’d kept my forthcoming birthday quiet at work and the few I thought knew about it knew I was keeping things low key and taking a few days off so imagine my surprise when I got to my desk on the Thursday morning to see banners and balloons, having come back from lunch more and different faces than normally dare venture down to my corner of the office were gathering, hmm I’ve been stitched up, long standing and newer colleagues had gone to the trouble of having a collection for me and presenting me with some beautiful presents, thankfully despite being quite tearful at the moment I held my composure as I thanked them all and explained why I was being less than jovial about turning 60, I explained as we have so many new faces that it’s been a tough year for me and it’s not really appropriate for me to celebrate in my usual jovial style, it’s nice they took the trouble to remember and as I left with my arms full at the end of the day I recalled celebrating my 50^th Birthday here too those were happier times.

I decided to use this trip to see Casper as an opportunity to go visit my Mother, Maureen and as she lives not ten minutes from Birmingham Airport I would fly out of there, the added bonus was I could use her driveway, avoid airport car parking fees and just jump cabs there and back, In hindsight booking an 06.00 flight wasn’t my smartest move and with increased security these days you can no longer do a last minute dash and so I left Maureen’s at 04.00.. I groan now as I recall the lack of sleep…

Friday 5^th August I arrived at Maureen’s, it’s so good to see her and I hope reassuring too. Things were tough and strained at times as we both cared for Julie and as the weeks rolled on and Julie’s time with us diminished there were moments of tension between Mum and I. One evening I was summonsed to her bedroom where she had a list of things that she wasn’t happy about and she needed to share them with me and amongst that she expressed “You’ll forget about me when this is all over”, the raw emotion brought us both to tears but I reassured her I’ll never forget her, that I’d visit regularly and that I owed her an unrepayable debt of gratitude for everything she had done for Julie and for me. Maureen moving up and in for around five months meant I could continue to work and thereby keep the roof over our heads, her nursing of Julie was admirable, the district Nurse team and the carers had the utmost respect for the amazing level of care Julie was getting, mainly from Maureen, some from me and of course many valued friends. Had I not had this degree of support I would have quit my job, Julie was my world and I would not have allowed her to be at home alone, vulnerable, frightened, scared and I needed to be with her as much as I could be. I know there would have been significant financial consequences to giving up my job and I truly feel for those in such a dilemma.. I would add though if this is the situation you are in, talk to Macmillan Cancer they can and do offer financial support in some instances/circumstances. So, back to mother, there is no way I’ll ever forget her. She had a few jobs she needed doing and I’d brought down Julie’s laser printer that she used to produce her greetings cards on. The office grade printer produced in amazing quality & Maureen was stunned at the difference in the colours versus her own laser printer, as Julie and Maureen were ‘partners in crime’ in producing Decoupage greetings cards, I’m glad the printer was going to the perfect home. This thing though weighs a ton; I slid it down the three flights of stairs on a plank of wood and wheeled it to my car on a heavy duty trolley and at Maureen’s, neighbour Dan kindly gave me a hand getting it up the stairs.

My Niece Amanda & husband Phillip popped around, we shot out for a swift pint and then my bed beckoned. I was up at 03.30 and at 04.00 the taxi arrived and I was airport bound. A forty five minute flight into Amsterdam where the trip to the to the arrivals gate seems to take almost the same length of time, it’s a huge airport but once in the terminal building, it’s light, bright and filled with gadgets, travellators and the likes. What I like about Schiphol too is there is a railway station under the concourse, if you’re visiting Amsterdam it’s the cheapest and easiest route into the city centre, cabs are expensive. Usually Casper picks me up however security is increased at European Airports currently and Schiphol is no exception. I told Casper I’d get a train down to Rotterdam as it would save both time and inconvenience.

Jumping on the nearly empty train, was giving me time to reflect that this is my first birthday without Julie, as I’m 60 had she been here she would have plotted and schemed to give me a birthday to remember, sadly my main memory is going to be of the loneliness, the loneliness  that seems to haunt me daily now. So much is happening, the family birthdays, our wedding anniversary, Julie’s birthday, all in around a five week window of time. I truly feel my emotions are taking a

battering, so many times lately as I’ve laid in bed, having just removed the chain from around my neck holding our wedding rings that I entrust Winston with nightly, so many nights recently I’ve hugged that bear to sleep, a sixty year old guy confessing to hugging a teddy bear.. He knows all of Julie’s secrets; he watched her cry and now he’s witnessing my tears. At times I truly struggle with the loss of Julie. People say “Be kind to yourself”, “you’re expecting too much of yourself”, “give yourself time to grieve”, “there is no time scale on grief”, on that last point I fully agree. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m no doom and gloom merchant, I stay as positive as I can but at times the grief still just leaps out at me from nowhere, I can read something at work and I feel my eyes well up, I sit in an open plan office with colleagues sat close by, invariably I duck my head to PC screen level, or I just dab my eyes with a tissue and hope I can hold it together, just this morning (16^th August) I had to make a hasty trip to the office loos where thankfully alone I sobbed in a heartbroken way, it just came from nowhere. Last night on my way home as I came through the Wallasey Mersey Tunnel, I saw blue lights bouncing around in my rear view mirror, as I exited the tunnel I could see it was an ambulance, the lane in front of me the tunnel team had the barrier up and a tunnel Police officer guarding the open lane ready for the ambulance, I’d moved left to be out of its way anyway and as my tunnel tag kicked in and my barrier lifted the ambulance was alongside me for a few seconds, not for the first time I just spontaneously sobbed, I wasn’t just crying I was sobbing, the last time I sobbed like this was as the funeral directors waited to remove Julie from Shute Manor, this is absolute madness and I need to get a grip of myself but for whatever reason my 60^th Birthday has triggered fresh raw emotion in me.

I’m jumping ahead, sharing yesterdays & today’s events and blog wise I’m still on the train heading towards Rotterdam & Casper.

I sent Casper a text explaining I’m fifteen minutes away, on arrival I exited the building and looked for the pick-up and drop off zone sweetly named the ‘Kiss and Ride’ zone…  To inject some humour, I had no intentions of kissing the big man, that would have been Julie’s department in the day..

We were soon heading to Casper’s tenth floor apartment with amazing views of parkland and Rotterdam in his Tesla all electric car. Holland seems so geared up to electric cars with charging points pretty much in every car park you stop in and despite my travels here I think I’ve seen around 10 Tesla’s in the UK and probably over 100 in the Netherlands.  For a car the size of a Jaguar  Saloon it has the acceleration of the animal, the only down side I’ve seen whilst in the Tesla is they’re so silent that pedestrians do not realise they are there at times.

Casper knew I was escaping from any potential party or raucous celebrations and that I wanted a relatively quiet time, we are both pretty deep at times and whilst when the mood suits we can talk for our respective countries we can also just sit in silence.  All the same he’s arranged a few things but nothing on the scale of a party.

Saturday afternoon after I’d taken a power nap, gone are the days of being up all night or not going to sleep and partying like a ten year old, I’m 60 now you know haha… After a refreshing shower we headed out to see Casper’s Mother & Father at their apartment. Apartment living seems far more popular than in the UK though it seems to be becoming more popular in areas like Liverpool where riverside former tobacco warehouses are converted into luxurious apartments. They are a charming couple and unlike us ‘lazy English’ are fluent in at least a second language and luckily for me that’s English. In the evening we dined out with friends and had a lovely evening, no fuss just dinner and great conversation and excellent food. We arrived back at Casper’s and sat out on his 10^th floor balcony supping malt whisky & watching the night sky, in the distance we witnessed a couple of shooting stars, this is the perseid meteor shower week and thankfully the night sky lacks the light pollution of home, As I gazed and thought to myself, is this Julie’s way of saying “I’m up here & I’m having fun”.. It’s stupid I know but we are born and brought up to believe in the man in the moon and that our loved ones are the bright twinkling stars..  As I got into bed I looked on my ipad at some of the pictures, Julie is never far away from me, that gorgeous smile, that beautiful dress sense…

A tenth floor balcony view

Sunday Morning we are both late risers and chatted over breakfast, One of Casper’s friends Harold has a boat and we are heading out on it this afternoon. In the Netherlands you are never far from water and Harold’s garden boundary is a stretch of water, I think we’d all class it as a canal. Harold’s family were amazingly kind and nine of us were soon on the boat, heading past some of the most beautiful properties I’ve ever seen. This is tranquillity, there are no cars about, no roads, as I sipped

a glass of Champers I slipped into my own world momentarily as I remembered the Canal boat trips Julie & I did with Aaron & Vicky right at the start of her illness, we had such fun and it was our first chance to truly bond with Vicky. Two of the children with us despite it not being the hottest of days decided they wanted to ride on a floatation device being pulled on the boat, we were in hysterics as they tried to stand up on it so many times only to lose their balance. Finally mastering the art this progressed to trying to complete the task on one leg, ha, the inevitable happened and the girls landed fully in the water more than once but they were loving it and it

was nice to be amongst great people and to just absorb the casual atmosphere. We approached a windmill, well it is Holland and no visit would be complete without seeing a Windmill, again so peaceful but so majestic. This was our turning point, it was probably a couple of hours since we had casted off and we were heading back the way we came. Getting back on shore at Harold’s we passed the evening away with more wine & a BBQ, evenings when you do not want to party do not get much better than this. I actually drank more than Casper, he was after all driving, back at the apartment and as we watched the night sky again it was soon gone two a.m.

Monday morning and well I am now 60, groan…. Thankfully I still feel like I’m in my 30’s. when I woke I lay there with the dawning reality of the event with no foxy to giggle and to give me daft gifts but gifts I would have treasured forever… thankfully I’ve got those from previous years at home, from the name plate on the house, to the frog prince in the garden, to some of the sweeter gifts, a scrap book she had started for example. Again the tears appear. Julie asked why her as we knew her battle was futile and today I’m asking the same question, why oh why were you taken from me, we

Taking your car with you..

both deserved better than ‘this’… I wiped the tears away and knew I had to put in an appearance. Casper had taken the day off and after some toast we headed to meet our friends of Saturday night and we were to do a boat tour of Rotterdam Port, this is an immense marine industrialised area, so fascinating. Off the boat and we headed to a nearby restaurant for a delicious lunch before heading home and grabbing another power nap before tonight’s activities.

I knew tonight  was going to be relatively peaceful I knew we were head to the Hotel New York down in the Rotterdam Port, Casper & I had grabbed a coffee in there earlier this year and Casper has dined here on a couple of occasions in their basement restaurant. This place is special. Joined by four friends including Harold. Casper had declared at lunch time as I grabbed the lunch time tab “Tonight Shutey your money

is no good!” we laughed, I know there is no arguing with my dear friend when his mind is made up.  Tonight’s meal was beyond outstanding; I’ll go as far as saying this was the best meal of my life. A five course surprise collection of food was presented and explained to us by an equally outstanding team, each course came with a chosen wine that the Sommelier  (Wine waiter to the uninitiated) knew like family members, tonight was special in the quietest kind of way. Julie was constantly in my thoughts more so during any lapses in conversation and when I got home, five glasses of wine plus earlier beers may have been numbing my senses helped me slip off to sleep as  I clutched our wedding jewellery, the tear drops were rolling off my cheeks onto my pillow, I’m feeling guilty for not visiting Julie at her resting place, eventually I dropped off. I’ve never been one for dreaming but tonight I kind of hoped I’d be joined by Julie, truth be told I was exhausted.

Tuesday and Casper and one of his fellow Directors had a business meeting in a city called Breda, they dropped me off and I wandered the old style shopping centre for a couple of hours, I see dress shops and I see some beautiful women in the town, of course all bring my focus back to Julie. I sat in a café that specialised in hot chocolates and again the tears were out, something has triggered my grief, it can only be turning 60 and I truly thought this would be the easiest ‘first’ to overcome, how wrong am I?

Business meeting over and I’m dropped off at Rotterdam Central for my short train jaunt to Schiphol airport and my journey back to Birmingham and to mum’s, I’m not stopping tonight I’m back at work tomorrow so a quick coffee, chat and a hug goodbye and I’m homeward bound. Around 11pm I walk through the door of Shute Manor, I truly do not like being here now, In the lounge there are a few surprises from Corrinna, Cedella & Kymani including a helium filled balloon, it’s so sweet of them,

I need my bed, it’s been a long day, a quick shower, unpacking my laundry and putting the washing machine on and I’m crawling into my bed, my bed that was ‘our bed’ that Winston guards over, It’s both sad and comforting to see that bear, he’s soon wearing my chain and our wedding jewellery as I drift off, tomorrow it’s another day and back to normal whatever normal is these days.

Work is busy & it’s like I’ve never been away, yep back to normality. That said on top of the couple of events I’ve already described about this last week a couple of significant events that have me now querying myself and whether I can pull myself out of this tearful cycle, I’ve actually gone as far as finding the bereavement counselling website of the charity Cruse.

I spent the weekend at the house, I cannot even call it home now, Saturday morning I was up early as Virgin media were coming to sort out the faulty box in the Princess & Pea room, not that I’m using it as I'm back in the green room. I ventured out to see Jen and the girls at Barberannes, I’ve not seen Jen for several weeks and thankfully this time although there is a stream of clients we got to chat a little, I was amazed I held it together with my current teary state. I had to brave the Mersey tunnel, my cleaner loved a floor shine I bought from Costco but with a lot of Costco products they are seasonally in and out and they don’t stock it any more, thankfully I knew Lakeland stock it and I was in and out of their Liverpool One store and back home in 15 minutes. I slept the afternoon away, I’m not sleeping well either. Saturday night I thought move your ass and go eat, I went down to Blackberry grove at New Brighton where I feel at home with the team and as ‘billy no mates’ just blend in to the background to people watch.

Sunday and I really cannot be arsed (excuse my French) to even get out of bed, why should I? What am I going to do, go downstairs and feel sorry for me down there? Berna, my cleaner and I had swapped a few messages and upon telling her I can’t be bothered she reminded me a boot liner that

has been cluttering up the dining room since the day before Julie’s funeral, it was still there and it needed sorting out. Once showered dressed and downstairs I find my motivation mojo and got stuck into the boot liner I tidied up the packing boxes I’ve started to fill. There was also a box of Julie’s drugs still here and more in the bureaux in the hallway, I really should have disposed of them months, in fact almost a year ago but it was another job I’ve kept putting off and putting off. There’s over a litre of liquid morphine, there is Lorazepam both controlled drugs, both capable of killing anyone who dreamt over overdosing on them, STOP with that thought, weepy I may be, suicidal I am NOT, my life is for living it's what I want & I know what Julie would want! It’s not right that they’re in the house though and well to the inexperienced please do not just throw drugs in a bin or pour liquid medicines down the sink or drain, take any unused drugs to your local pharmacy for them to arrange the destruction of, always better safe than sorry.. So on Monday this week I brought them in to work and one of our pharmacists took them off me for destruction. It was though another sad task, sad but necessary though, another task completed on my road to recovering from the loss of my princess.

 

 

 

The Clock Is Ticking.

Almost a year on since my amazing wife, soulmate and best friend ‘left me’ and despite the time rolling by the tears are not for stopping, I really thought it would be easier than this to overcome the loss of Julie but I can tell you that some days seem tougher than the very early days after Julie’s death & funeral.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks and I'll cover that off in this and the next blog..

I visited Emma, Aaron & Vicky and the Grandchildren, Bob was working away again. Bob’s a real grafter he holds down a fulltime job as a mechanic and on top of that he gives over time to a good friend as part of a racing team, he and Emma work conflicting shifts, Bob Mornings and afternoons and Emma afternoons and evenings, Emma is also on call some weekends which limits what she can and cannot do with the grandchildren. They’re saving like mad to move to a more rural location thinking of the children and their welfare and the combination means they’re both often worn out and they don’t see much of each other as a result. I’m sure it will all be worth it in the end but whilst I won’t interfere in either of the children’s lives I cannot help but think back now to the late arrivals home I often had when Julie was alive and I question myself in terms of “why didn’t you make more of the time opportunity to be with Julie”? I’ve learnt a lot since she left us but the one thing that truly sticks with me is how little time in the grand scheme of things we had together. I’d say to anyone live for today, don’t waste a second being away from each other, don’t take each other for granted and don’t leave yourself looking back asking “Why didn’t I make the most of our time together?”.. Yes I’m talking to all of you…

Julie often said to me that if we had ever hit hard times much as she loved Shute Manor that so long as we were together she really didn’t care where we lived, I felt exactly the same. We both wanted to finish the improvements to Shute Manor and truth be told had Julie still been with us and fit we would have finished  late last year, sadly the spare funds were given over to making the most of things for Julie  in her last year, some would say getting her to last year’s Merseyside Women of the Year Awards was a waste of money given what buying a table at the event, a private ambulance crew and ambulance and having the vestibule demolished cost but she truly loved that day and although modest throughout she was proud of the recognition the awards brought. Add to that the cost of a funeral and meeting Julie’s wishes for it to be held in Grimsby and the transportation costs incurred, throw in the two ‘celebrations’ after the funeral and on the Wirral, Hotel bills, yes it was not the cheapest of times. The only thing I considered a real luxury was Julie’s horse drawn carriage but it was so majestic and she deserved to make her final entrance in style, I was fortunate that I could do all of that for her, absolutely no regrets.

As you’ll know from the last blog Shute manor is on the market with one rejected offer. I drove to Grimsby in my new car, having had so many problems with my Fiat500X 4x4, I had been battling with the dealership and Fiat and had been insisting on a full refund it was so problematical. Even the day before the dealership confirmed they would give me a full refund the key was stuck in the ignition and I ended up calling out ‘Fiat Assist’, it took an engineer an hour to arrive, another hour to fix it which, he could only do after going on to You tube to find the fix….. Anyway, full refund and I bought a new car that seems to drink a cup of petrol versus every tank fill up in the Fiat. So new car drive to Grimsby with no glitches and it was giving me 55 miles to the gallon, I am impressed.

I checked in to the Humber Royal Hotel that often seems like my second home, I still expect a staff Xmas party invite I’ve stayed that often over the recent years; I chuckled as the receptionist asked me if I knew where I was going and have I stayed before, tonight I’m on the first floor. As I walked down the corridor a shiver came over me, One of Julie’s biggest seizures was in this corridor, we were heading out for dinner with Mick & Sue when it occurred and we had to do our singing routine, we were loud enough to be heard on the ground floor by one of the duty Managers who I’ve previously mentioned, Natalie. The memories of all this came running back and you’ll guess I was crying as I entered room 111.

Friday evening I popped around to Emma & Bob’s to see Emma & the girls, Olivia is always so excited to see me running to answer the door to me, that smile and the warmth as she called my name “Andyyyyyy”… The girls were pampering themselves, grandma’s nail varnish box came out and somehow Olivia decided my nails should be varnished silver! The joys of being a grandad hehe… Later as she busied herself I grabbed the nail varnish remover and returned my badly bitten nails to their more ‘blokey’ style.

Saturday morning and I was at Emma’s with the twins birthday presents hidden away quickly, not hard as they were their birthday cards with gift cards inside to spend at as Julie would call it ‘Primarni’ (Primark to you and me). I lack the imagination that Julie had for buying presents and whilst she was mainly practical and bought clothes for she was conscious just about everyone else bought them toys I was clueless on the clothes front and sizes wise. I hope as I get older and the kids grow that so long as it’s cool to be seen with ‘grandy’ that I get to take them shopping for what they want. I do miss Julie coming out of the changing room and giving me a twirl as she asked what did I think? Now that is a happy memory….

Ollipop is giving me the third degree as she inspected my bare naked finger nails, puzzled how the varnish had ‘disappeared’, she was not impressed! My phone rang and it was Rhys, my estate agent, the three viewings family had upped their offer! They came in roughly where I wanted to be and so I accepted the offer. A ticking time bomb had just started to tick, my first thought is I need to find somewhere to live and quick! I thought they had the cash to hand and my worst nightmare was what if they want the house next week? So much I cannot do until I know we are almost at the point of exchanging contracts. The house is ‘dressed’, it will sell faster dressed as my home rather than an empty shell of a building but I know that is going to put me under time pressure, I sense I’ll be getting removal men in!

The kids were having a birthday sleepover with friends even though their Birthdays are four days away so I hug and kiss them goodbye, Emma too…

Saturday evening and I’d already discussed with Vicky about me popping around with Millie’s birthday present and with a Chinese takeaway. I have to say Emma & Vicky are two of the most amazing Mothers I know, both incredibly hard working and whilst I devoted a bit of above to Emma I’ll probably embarrass Vicky as I sing her praises now. Julie and I were amazed at Vicky’s skills and parenting, she has her routines and she won’t bend from them and I have to say it works, she has two daughters who are a joy to spend time with and to witness how they respond to Vicky and Aaron, Evan is beginning to show his personality and he’s a challenge at times. Aaron won’t object to me saying this but his parenting style is to be one of the kids too and that’s fun to watch but someone has to be the grown up and yes that’s Vicky. Vicky has a burning desire to better herself; she has a hard working ethos on top of her housekeeping skills and her parenting skills. I’ve told her many times how Julie truly rated Vicky and I’ll say that was high praise indeed. I know Vicky misses Julie or ‘Mum’ as she affectionately called her.

We discussed the house sale and I’ve asked both of the children if there is anything in the house of Julie’s or that reminds them of Julie. I am downsizing from 11 rooms full of things to just four rooms (more on that later).. Of course I want the children to have memories; I will be limited in space in terms of what I can keep as memories.

Sunday I checked out of my hotel and I relived some of my memories of visits with Julie, a local park, an Appleby’s homemade ice cream, I reflected as I sat in the sun and yes the odd tear ran onto my cheek….

I called in to see Julie’s dad, I also had the wheelchair for him. Bob was looking better than I envisaged but he is still very poorly, very poorly indeed. I get the impression that the severe blow of losing the apple of his eye, Julie, and with his dear wife Barbara developing Alzheimer’s that he’s giving up, who can blame him?... Julie’s Mum remains in hospital and the latest blow is she has been diagnosed with cancer too. Bless her she still has no idea that Julie has left us, her condition means she’s unaware of her surroundings and even struggles to remember her own son Andy. On a recent visit despite the fact that she is in hospital the confused state resulted in her telling Andy (as a stranger) that he shouldn’t be in ‘her house’ (The hospital). I truly feel for Andy, he’s doing an amazing Job and thankfully the family are rallying to support him. I don’t go to see Barbara, to her I truly would be a stranger and I fear that even if recognised she’ll suddenly remember about Julie and want to know where she is.. This is a nightmare, I’m so grateful that despite Julie’s cancer being Brain Cancer that she was still in control of her faculties and was familiar with her surroundings until she slipped away, yes the drugs had her hallucinating a little as you’ll recall but in the main she was of sound mind, I’m thankful for that.

So another full weekend completed and I headed to Bolton close to my office for a night at White’s Hotel, with no reason to drive home now as I pass close to my office it seems daft to drive past and then suffer my morning commute.

Back to the house sale and move. So I have accepted an offer and I’m now in limbo land as I wait for the formalities of the sale to go through. In the mean time I’d started house or rather apartment hunting. My criteria were set, I wanted something that had a countryside view, that was close to my office and that I could afford to pay cash for so that I could go mortgage free. Ideally I wanted an apartment, after all it’s just me now but I didn’t want to move from 11 large rooms (yes I’ve got another six in the cellar but they’re not used so I don’t count them) to a glorified cell, I found an apartment with a decking area that ran to the property boundary that happened to be a man-made lake! It seemed perfect, the estate agent’s pictures looked good and the decked area was ‘selling it to me” so I arranged a viewing, as lovely as it was and as appealing as the decked area was it just felt too small, I drove home thinking I need to review my strategy for I’m going to feel like a caged animal in the winter and it brought home just how spacious Shute Manor really is.

The community the apartment is on is relatively new, about five years old, I’ve passed it daily for ten years watching it being built, there are as you’d expect several properties up for sale and a top floor apartment which is some 100 square feet larger is also up for sale. So the day after the viewing the ground floor lakeside apartment I informed the Estate Agents I wouldn’t be putting in an offer as pretty as it seemed. I contacted a second Estate Agency and arranged a viewing of the top floor apartment.

The second apartment I felt totally at home in, light spacious, incredible view from several windows and a Juliet Balcony, an en-suite shower room, yes I wanted it, I told the owner, Aaron that I’d submit an offer the next day and did. Within an hour the offer was accepted, now the clock is well and truly ticking!



Hopefully my new home - What a view

 

 

 

 

 

It's Not Been The Best of Weeks

No pictures this time...

 

I wasn’t going to publish a blog for a couple of weeks but as this week comes towards a close I thought I’d share the raw emotion of the week whilst it’s still in me. I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just sharing the journey of trying to get through year one of losing my amazing wife, you’d think after ten months it would be getting easier..

 Firstly, as I should have expected I’m getting danced about over the house, one family have viewed it three times now in under two weeks, it’s on the market at £225,000 and everyone who knows it, has stayed in it, has partied in it, visited us at it all say “Is that all” but I’m a realist and those that know me know I play fairly straight, I expect similar from others. I know the house still needs work doing to it, quite a lot actually but whoever will finish off what Julie and I started will have one hell of a home and investment and could probably quickly recoup £80-£90,000 if they turn the cellar into a self-contained apartment, it is huge but yes needs work and of course I know I am going to have to move down from £225,000 slightly. After the second viewing last week my estate agent Rhys said the way the family were talking about the changes they’d make to their children that he felt an offer would follow, I said “I bet it’s around £185,000”, Rhys responded feeling they’d come in much higher than that. Friday Evening 5pm and an offer landed at £190,000, I laughed hysterically at the cheek but also that it was so close to my forecasted number, of course I declined ‘the offer’.

By Wednesday the family were back for a third viewing! They’re clearly keen but not unexpectedly two days later when writing this no increased offer has landed, all part of the game but as I have my eye on a beautiful apartment of course I want this wrapped up, it will be if it is to be regarding the place I fancy moving to but I’m not accepting silly offers and I think Rhys finds my strategy of not getting in touch with him different to most who I suspect are on the phone every two minutes after a viewing. The bottom line is he doesn’t get paid until the house sells so he wants to move it as quickly as myself and no matter how many calls I make to him will not speed up the process. So, it’s a waiting game I am guessing until 5pm tonight… Maybe longer, who knows…

 

I’ve become more emotional in the last week, it’s weird this rollercoaster. A combination of things have upset or distressed me in the last week.

I’ve previously mentioned that Julie’s Mum & Dad have both had spells in hospital recently, Julie’s Mum has dementia and to this day has no idea that Julie is no longer with us, that in itself is so sad. Those that know the family will know Julie was a Daddy’s girl not a mummy’s girl that said whenever we went home Julie would spend time manicuring her Mum’s nails but with Julie it really was ‘Daddy all the way’, it was bizarre reflecting back that during her last week with us from nowhere she suddenly said “I want my mummy”, whilst I could and did make most things happen for Julie sadly this was never going to be, I cried that night as I recall holding Julie’s hand to comfort her after she had asked… I felt guilty at times for Julie living on Merseyside when her parents and children lived across country in Grimsby, but Julie wanted to be with me, to be honest before we actually met she told me she was getting out of Grimsby as soon as she could I felt honoured that was ultimately to be with me but some things, no matter what others say leave you feeling guilty, this was one.

On my last two visits to Julie’s resting place as I talked, yes out loud to her but softly, as part of updating ‘her’ on events, I sobbed as I expressed my feeling that Julie’s dad sounded so ill that I felt she & he could soon be reunited. I’m pleased to say that a couple of weeks later Julie’s dad sounds better but the radiotherapy has taken its toll on him and continues to do so, he tires so quickly, radiotherapy can takes months for a young healthy person to recover from, Julie’s dad is in his 80’s…..

On top of this Julie’s Mum has been in hospital for a couple of weeks with what was initially thought to be an infection but tragically just this week it’s been confirmed that she too now has been diagnosed as having cancer, bless her she knows nothing or nobody now and clearly is frightened ‘resisting the nurses’ as they try to take blood. Emma has ‘stepped up to the plate’ here as she works at the hospital and she’s been giving her breaks up to sit with her grandma, like she doesn’t have enough on her plate and she too is still suffering the loss of Julie..

I’d already decided earlier this week before hearing the news on Julie’s mum that I’d visit Grimsby this weekend for it's Millie’s, Abbie & Chloe’s Birthday’s this coming week. The only ‘good’ thing coming out of this week was that Julie’s brother Andy had explained about having to utilise a hospital wheelchair when he takes his dad in now, I’ve still got Julie’s, I had no clue what to do with it but it’s going over with me tonight, I’m sure if Julie is looking down on us she will be pleased with this.

So all of that would be enough to upset anyone in one week but sadly it gets worse, a great guy and friend Paul McGeary who was treated for Leukaemia around two years ago has relapsed in the last week and is undergoing further treatment now. Although I’ve only met ‘Gee’ once at a Stag do last year he was incredibly supportive during Julie’s battle and in turn we supported Gee with his mantra of #NotOneInch my thoughts go out to Paul’s family, especially wife Becky & Mum Mary (who was so supportive during Julie’s journey). I’m positive Gee will beat this beast once more; he has such determination and deserves the right to see his young daughter grow up!

My dear Friend Casper in Holland, he too is going through the mill, although healthy himself his family are a serious cause for concern for him right now, Casper and Julie were ‘so tight’ and you’ll recall how many times he visited last year, at least five so already feeling the loss of Julie, then his own family ‘news’ without going into detail no man or woman should be carrying the load that Casper does right now.

I’m sixty on the eighth of next month, scary thought, thankfully though I only feel around forty! Normally big birthdays mean big celebrations, My fiftieth we held at Shute Manor with many special friends and I laugh as I recall being at my Mothers around the same time and Julie and I went ‘messing about’ on a river (The Avon at Warwick castle to be precise), Julie howled with laughter as I proved how rubbish a navigator I was…  This year there will be no party, the ‘hostess with the mostest’ is no longer here and I’m truly in no mood to celebrate anything this year yet alone my birthday. Casper suggested a couple of weeks ago that I go over and spend it quietly with him and that’s what I’m doing. Unusually I’m flying out of Birmingham, Maureen lives not ten minutes from the airport so I’m going to spend time with her the day before, recent events demonstrate we need to see our loved ones more often no matter the distance… It does though mean I won't be with Julie for my birthday..

Friends and neighbours are being kind and some are actually disappointed that I’m away for my birthday but as I say this isn’t a year to celebrate.

All of the above though means Julie has been at the forefront of my thoughts this week,  not in a negative or upsetting way that is until yesterday.

There is a Next Clothing store near my office and I’d ordered a couple of shirts to collect. I joined the queue, the woman in front of me.. Julie’s height, Julie’s style of long straight blond hair down between her shoulder blades, a blue top with large white spots on, exactly as Julie would have worn, A red and white spotted Cath Kidston handbag over her left shoulder, just like one Julie had… The only difference was her Jeans covered thighs were chunkier than Julie’s ever were… I smiled at all of the similarities, the comparison was so similar. The lady was served and walked off, I was served and around five minutes after joining the queue I was leaving the store. I barely got to the door and I just broke down and sobbed, I mean sobbed, I was walking towards my car my face covered in rain drops and streaming tears, I was distraught, I could so easily have dropped to my knees and sobbed forever it felt, I made it into the car my sobbing continued, I felt truly heartbroken, for over five minutes the tears just streamed as I gulped for air. I’ve not felt this way since the day I lost Julie, I cry often, I’m not ashamed to admit to my crying but I’ve never sobbed like this since 9^th September 2015…. A day later and my heart still feels raw and painful, when will it ever end? Will it ever end?......

 

Dedicated to Gee and his family - #NotOneInch

Another ‘First’

Our last holiday abroad April 2013 - Tenerife - Love that smile

 

Well after recovering from the shock of my Merseyside Women of The Year Award life was soon back down to earth with a bump.

I’ve previously mentioned ‘Shute Manor’ was going on the market and just over two weeks ago that happened, the sign is up and now I’m waiting for viewings and offers, I’ve had three so far, viewings that is, no offers. It’s quite numbing for me, the realisation that I am moving on ‘soon’ though I’ve explained to my Estate Agent, Rhys, that getting what it is worth is my objective and I’m not looking for a knock down sale. I’m fortunate that I’m moving for my reasons not because I need to or can no longer afford to run ‘the Manor’. I owned the house on my own before Julie came along and as part of our commitment to each other when she sold her own house and moved in and as part of our future plans together I added Julie to the mortgage, it was then ‘our house’, ‘our home’.. All that said the monthly outgoings I continued to pick up despite Julie wanting to contribute. I explained to her that she was contributing by keeping the Manor spotless and with her interior design skills, he-he (Julie-ism), in the early days I called her (amongst other things) “My interior designer”.



Bikini Girl 2013

I often explained to Julie that now it was ‘her time’, she’d had a tough-ish life, the only girl of five children and with a mother with health problems Julie was doing the washing and ironing and housekeeping from her early teens before she left home upon getting married. With two children on board, working two jobs and living on a housing estate that she felt would impact on the children’s future lives had she remained there she took the bold step of leaving her then husband George and managing to ‘buy into’ a shared ownership house that she worked incredibly hard to get looking ‘perfect’.  She turned her house into a beautiful home and as a single Mum gave Emma & Aaron the best start in life, she had every right to feel proud. As usual I’ve digressed; the point I was getting to was Julie had

worked hard since she was fourteen. About a year before we met Julie started having health problems, first she had a collapsed lung that lead to the discovery that she had Rheumatoid Arthritis then not long after we met she started to have intestinal pain and problems that lead to a diagnosis of ‘Ulcerative Colitis’, her weight plummeted and despite a lengthy stay in hospital they could not get it under control and she was told it was imperative she had surgery to remove her bowel. A lengthy operation resulted in her having what she cheerfully referred to as a ‘Gucci bag’ fitted onto her side, despite her joviality and positive nature and being grateful for still being alive thanks to the surgery but I knew it ‘hurt’ and how it knocked her confidence slightly she was a ‘bikini girl’ and this was devastating to her so it was tough, really tough on her, ultimately thanks to Ciaran Walsh and Arrowe Park Hospital she went on to have surgery that meant ‘Gucci bag’ could go and her confidence rocketed again I’m pleased to say.

Finally the point is us being together and in love as we were this could be her time; no worries about working, no daily worries about the children, she could and did become in her words ‘A lady that lunched’ and having no worries about having to pay the bills. I did have to ‘fight her’ on this topic though as Julie was never a ‘taker’ she needed to pay her way, she was not going to become a ‘kept woman’ so the compromise was she could buy the day to day shopping lol unless I beat her to the checkout chip and pin machine (hehe as she would have said). I cannot explain all of that without adding my sincerest thanks to a very special lady who hardly left Julie’s side whilst in hospital with Ulcerative Colitis and who also helped keep Julie’s spirits high in the early days of the discovery of her GBM IV, Julie’s best friend ‘Woon’, her former Sister in law June, she really was in my eyes an unsung hero, these two truly were the best of best friends….

So the for sale sign is up and if you want to take a peek at mainly Julie’s handiwork & what is on offer then feel free to click the link http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-54972637.html lol feel free to put in an offer.

It’s bizarre, I feel ‘at ease’ putting the house on the market but I already know the day I hand the keys over I’ll be sobbing like a baby but I’ve got my memories on PC’s, laptops, backed up on discs and phones and of course in my head, it’s been a major part of my life but I have to move on now.

I’m still having days where the tears appear from nowhere, it can be seeing a picture that sets me off, or a film or just hearing a song on the radio, reading back on some of the blogs too has me sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my cheeks…. Don’t get me wrong there are so many fond memories that I’m soon smiling again afterwards, it’s all just part of moving on.

Part of moving on is the first anniversaries I’ve previously mentioned, last month’s was our first wedding anniversary apart. This month, the 17^th (July) would have been Julie’s 55^th Birthday; I had to go back up to the lakes for the day. Saturday I met a dear friend, ‘Scouse’ or ‘Wobblegob’ as Julie affectionately called her, her real name is June.

June & I swapped messages a few weeks ago and arranged to have lunch, I’ve not seen her since the funeral. As we messaged I asked was there anything of Julie’s that she recalled and liked and would

like as a keepsake. She mentioned a mock patchwork cushion she had bought Julie last year when she was in hospital to brighten her bed up and of course I assured her she could have it. As a good friend of I also asked her to ask Collette if there was anything she would like, sadly Collette hasn’t kept in touch as is her right and I’ve no desire to antagonise anyone so I thought this was the best way, Collette was Julie’s best friend on Merseyside and I would not want to deprive any of Julie’s closest friends or family of items to remember her by. Shortly later June contacted me saying Collette would like a small silver necklace that she's bought Julie, with one of Liverpool’s infamous SuperLambanana’s as a silver charm, of course she could have it. It’s touching that despite getting Julie’s wedding jewellery cut off by a jeweller friend Mike who resized it and delivered it back same day the steroids caused further swelling and at that point Julie decided to wear them on this same necklace, I remember crying as I gently unclipped it as I said my final goodbye to her as the funeral directors waited, I had to buy

SuperLambanana

a sturdier chain to accommodate our combined wedding jewellery that I wear daily. Another couple of dear friend’s I’ve since offered items to including Julie’s Cath Kidston handbag. On the day Julie slipped away and the hospital supplies company came to collect the hospital bed & hoist etc. I put Julie’s handbag on the back of the rocking chair in the green room, there it has remained untouched to this day but it will soon be gifted to another dear friend of Julie’s one of the 'secret agents'. June & I caught up and had a lovely lunch in New Brighton, she gave me a little something and asked would I take it to Julie and I did, June also kindly donated to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity on the basis it was Julie’s birthday, such a lovely thought…. Always the opportunist and desperate to help fund the reclining chairs for the new (to be built) hospital in case any of you readers would like to donate here’s the current link in Julie’s memory,

 

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Julie-Shute .. It’s just an observation and I know someone is always after your money and some of us donate to other worthy causes but the blog has gone through an incredible 85,000 reads, it’s staggering but imagine if each read was £1? On top of all the other collecting we have been associated with in Julie’s memory this would have blown the chair target away, wouldn’t that be something?

Sunday 17^th July and I’m heading to the lakes. It’s a long story that I won’t bore you with but I’ve

Thistles

recently had to get rid of my very unreliable less than a year old 4x4 and so for this trip I’m in a much smaller hire car. As I turned right in Holbeck Lane the initial steepness of the road took me by surprise but the car took it in its stride and 200 yards later I’m parked up by ‘Julie’s resting place’ lol you can actually ‘check in’ there now on Facebook.. Today there was no sign of ‘Bambi’ in the adjacent field, just a couple of sheep. I sat on the sawn off tree stump and took in the view again, the joy with this location and the lake and skyline in front of ‘us’ is it’s an ever changing landscape, be it the boats on Windermere or the cloud formations plus the seasonal foliage changes or the weather, you cannot help but be impressed with the tranquillity and beauty.

I smiled as I saw the nettle patch that she’s ‘protected’ herself with then walked to the field gate,

Nettles & Thistles

again I smiled, not only are there nettles but now there is a significant crop of thistles the lady is

taking no chances! Nothing was going to stop me getting close to Julie though. With no grazing in this field it’s turning into a real meadow now, long grass, wild flowers, I spotted the most beautiful caterpillar too, on reflection later (to me) its head resembled a fox shape, again I smiled one of my nicknames for Julie was ‘Foxy’, I know… It’s daft….

I started to share recent events with ‘her ladyship’, there was so much to

tell her and I can imagine someone calling for the men with straightjackets to come get me but I chatted away and yes the tears came too, I wished her a happy birthday, I told her "See, I’ll never forget you", I explained how we were all missing her, again it’s not just me that feels the pain of grief, Julie’s reach remains long. There’s little or no phone signal at her spot so I couldn’t share the fitting Tributes the children had put up on Facebook to remember Mum & Grandma (see below). These ‘Firsts’ truly hurt…….

A couple of hours with Jules and I headed down to Low Wood Bay Hotel which is not two minutes from the resting place and chilled out with a light lunch, around five p.m. I set off for home, well home for the night. As I have to drive pretty close to my office on my journey home I’d booked into Bolton Whites Hotel, after my visit last month I stopped here too and was actually chosen in a draw for a free night here with a pitch view room, that was a real bonus (Whites is part of the Bolton Wanderers Football Stadium). Drawer apart, Julie & I loved it here if we were at company functions we would stay here and on one occasion I booked the penthouse suite just to make my princess feel special so it’s always happy visits here at Whites. My journey to work Monday morning took five minutes versus the usual ninety and people ask me “Why do you want to move”.. I’ve got my eye on a place and if the jigsaw all falls into place then my drive to work will take 15 minutes maximum…..

A room with a View - Whites Hotel Bolton

Family Tributes to Mum & Grandma

 

Well and Truly Caught Out

This blog edition is dedicated to all of the amazing Women recognised at this year's Merseyside Women of The Year Awards, also to the memory of the late Bernie Singleton & our very own Julie Shute

 

It’s the little things in life that often mean the most to us and in the last week this has proved to be so for me.

Firstly it’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since Julie was at the Merseyside Women of The Year Awards but it is, her runners up award still proudly adorns her chest of drawers in ‘The Green Room’, formerly our bedroom, this recognition of her endeavours to help others so selflessly by her charity fundraising and the blog and supporting Clatterbridge by allowing her operation procedure to be filmed I was so proud of her and of course that day was so special for many reasons but it was hectic for me.

 

A few months back Jean Gadsby of The Merseyside Women of The Year Awards emailed me inviting me to attend this year’s awards ceremony. I was truly flattered, it was explained the organisers, Jean, Ellie Kerr & Elaine Owen had recognised how I hadn’t really had time to enjoy the ceremony last year as it was obvious to them that my focus was Julie so they thought it would be nice for me to be here to enjoy this year’s awards. I hadn’t really thought about it at the time or since until this conversation and then when I reflected back, a significant amount of time was given over to doing what I did and that was making sure Julie was looked after and having a great time. When I look back yes of course I sat down and watched the awards and all of the amazing women being recognised for their selfless actions but from the time the private ambulance and crew brought Julie in on a stretcher to hoisting her into the air in a large but compact disabled loo swapping the stretcher for her chair and lowering her into position then protecting her modesty and keeping her dignity intact to getting her into the room where she met all of the surprise guests, she was aware of Maureen & I Karen & Louise from Clatterbridge & John and Sarah Burns, but Hannah, Collette and June Bernicoff were all a surprise. Getting Julie settled into place, speaking with the paramedics to keep them on hand ‘just in case’ liaising with the hotel staff so we could use Julie’s cutlery and her drinks beaker. Cutting up Julie’s food for her, reassuring her and whilst only those on the table noticed Julie started to have a seizure. Thankfully the lorazepam were with me and two small tablets later and a lot of comforting and our distraction routine and it slipped away mainly unnoticed by most. A trip to the loo for her too, again it meant the assistance of the Paramedics and us using the hoist to get her out of the chair safely onto the loo and then back into the chair, it was focussed attention but Julie came first. She smiled and laughed so much that day, given she only got out of the house three times after that this was a most special day.

So,  Friday 24^th June and I decided not to drive this year, I don’t drink much mainly because when out I’m driving and my job depends on my driving licence, I usually just have a glass of wine or a pint of beer and then switch to soft drinks. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a good drink occasionally but I learnt a long time ago that hangovers are not good for you so I’m normally the ‘sensible one’, that said, I only ever saw Julie drunk twice which we laughed about afterwards, I’ll share the detail another time but we had a work hard play hard and fun mentality and that didn’t need alcohol to make it fun.  As usual I’ve digressed! I took a cab and then a train into Liverpool.

Entering the Crowne Plaza I saw Jean and we exchanged greetings, I thanked her for the invite. Jean explained she had put me on a table that comprised a lady called Roz Tranfield, some of her guests several including Roz were either in remission from Cancer or were still being treated at Clatterbridge. Talking of Clatterbridge Elspeth Wilson from The Clatterbridge Cancer Charity was on the table too. Although I’d never met Roz before today as I knew she and another  Clatterbridge fundraiser the amazing Dorothy Beattie were both nominated for The Leonard Curtis sponsored ‘Women Making a Difference Award’, this was the ‘mirror award’ to which Julie and Bernie (Bucket) Singleton were nominated last year. On the announcement of the finalists I put my weight behind both ladies in asking for votes but with only one vote I went with Roz for she lives on the peninsula too.

It was nice to be on a table with ‘like-minded’ friends. Lunch as ever was superb and our compere  was again the amazingly witty Pauline Daniels, no subject is safe when Pauline is on form tears of laughter are guaranteed. In this role Pauline is perfect for like any comedienne and actress

she has a sharp wit and retort to hand and she ‘took no prisoners’ when having been informed as part of her housekeeping speech at the start to ensure phones were switched off or there would be £20 fines for non-compliance. Two people were fined but as Pauline rightly pointed out “It’s not about the money, it’s about having respect for the award finalists and not detracting from them”…  Pauline had taken a shine to the invited guest & recently announced

new ‘Cadbury’s Milk Tray Man’, Liverpool fireman, Patrick McBride. We other men stood no chance today; it’s fair to say the banter was good.

 

Last Year’s Merseyside Woman of The Year and now friend Angela Samata shared her year long experience, one of the highlights of her year was she was nominated for a BAFTA, she also had the other women in the room slightly jealous when she explained after the BAFTA ceremony another attendee offered to walk her back to their hotel however as the party was still on Angela declined only to discover later the gentleman in question was the infamous chest baring Poldark actor Aidan Turner!  

After a fantastic lunch the Awards ceremony began.  We had a programme before us and I flicked through mine to find out about all of the lovely finalists to discover a page entitled ‘Celebrating & Remembering’ it featured Bernie Singleton & Julie, it recognised their contributions and their loss to the Merseyside Woman of the Year ‘Family’ it was such a surprise and so touching to see the tribute it quite literally brought me to tears.

As the award category Roz & Dorothy were in came up our table erupted as Roz was announced the winner, these are spine tingling times and of course bring back memories of last year.  As the stunning Roz returned to us with her award we all congratulated her, she was rightly ecstatic.

Although my phone had its volume turned off as phones are cameras and a multi-media device these days I’d kept mine on and was doing my bit to support the MWOTY team and tweet every possible moment, those of you that use twitter will understand what a powerful tool it can be to profile raise and highlight events, trends are picked up for the more higher profile events and it turned out the team effort had made MWOTY the second highest topic on Twitter, given ‘we’ as a nation that morning had voted ourselves out of Europe and ‘Brexit’ was the top trend. As I enjoyed a drink with the media team later they joked they struggled to keep up with my barrage of tweets so they could share them too.  There is a point to this I promise.

As the ceremony continued I’d glance up I’d listen to the Winner speeches and take pictures and tweet them. I looked up and saw the next category appear, ‘Best Supporting Male’ I glanced at it and then looked down at my phone screen still tweeting then thought “Did I just hear my name?”,  I looked up and as our table erupted in screams and cheers I saw my name on the large stage screens! It took a couple of seconds to sink in and it was only the amount of people rising to their feet that shocked me into the reality of the situation, as I stood up Elspeth hugged me, another guest on the table another  Andy shook my hand and I realised I had to head to the stage,  walking through a room full of standing applauding people for only the second time in my life is humbling, as I headed for the stage Angela Samata was in front of me grinning she hugged me, congratulated me and whispered, “it was such an obvious choice for us”, Angela had been part of this year’s Judging panel, I told her she was naughty, she explained she’d been avoiding me so as not give the surprise away. I made my way onto the stage and was presented with my award by Pauline McNamara of

Cassell Moore Solicitors who had kindly sponsored this award. Pauline Daniels explained to the audience who I was and why I was up here. With a Pauline either side of me we were photographed & Pauline Daniels invited me to say a few words. With not knowing I was going to be standing here until two minutes ago I had nothing prepared but thankfully I’ve presented to audiences large and small and can as we say ‘think on my feet’, my opening words were “I’ve been stitched up, well and truly stitched up!” I laughed and explained how I’d been invited along on the grounds of having not had the chance to enjoy last year’s awards ceremony…  I think I uttered the words I will get you back ladies… This was an opportunity to tell this year’s audience a bit about Julie and her journey, how despite knowing she was dying was standing in the pouring rain at Hoylake Railway station at the British Open Golf Championship collecting for Clatterbridge, I mentioned how I’d lost Julie last September and how I had reunited our wedding ring jewellery and that they are always with me, I added that I hoped Julie was still with us today if only in spirit and that I knew she would be incredibly proud of this year’s finalists. I picked up my award and explained how much it meant to me to be the recipient and then headed back through the new standing ovation. I’d heard the words several times today from winners that they didn’t feel what they were doing was worthy of an award, I knew exactly what they meant though. Not one finalist in the room today did the amazing things they did for the glory or recognition, they do

Jean, Elaine & Ellie

it because it’s the right thing for them to do, this so resonates for me. Surely what I did for Julie was the same as any other loving husband would do for their so precious wife?  Back at our table the atmosphere was electric and Roz and I were photographed with both of our awards. I was elated and stunned; this award is such a fantastic honour.  I realised there hadn’t been a recipient last year this made it being in my arms feel even more special. It takes a lot to hoodwink me, one of my favourite expressions is “You’ll have to get up early in a morning to catch me out”! I was truly; well and truly caught out today. I saw Jean, Ellie and Elaine after the final awards; they were like schoolgirls who had just pranked a fellow pupil, these ladies are so special on many fronts and I now very much feel part of this amazing ‘family’.

You would think that was enough excitement for one day, then Michael Halsall the primary sponsor of the awards ceremony took to the stage to announce this year’s runners up and the Winner of The Merseyside Woman of The Year Award, Roz was announced as the winner, our table just erupted, it was incredible the elation as she hugged her friends to her left, then her boyfriend Paddy & then their dear friend Andrew. This was draining and I think only the adrenalin was keeping us going. Elspeth commented how amazing that we had three awards, yes three awards on our table and all associated to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity, these are humbling times…  Roz returned to the table where we all shared a hug with her. Roz herself is a survivor of Cancer, breast cancer, the scourge of mainly women (but men can get Breast Cancer too), as a beautiful former model I can but envisage how devastating this must have been

but treatment at Clatterbridge has sent her beast in to remission. Most would have just been grateful for the outcome but Roz similar to Julie wanted to do more, Roz started mentoring and supporting other patients, she also set about fundraising and held a cat walk fashion show where all models had been associated with cancer as part of a fund raising drive. Roz has raised over £30,000 so far and I’m pretty certain she has not stopped. She is shortly to do a charity night ride, I am genuinely touched by this lady. For the likes of Julie, Roz & Dorothy who collectively have contributed over £300,000, Dorothy has been absolutely outstanding with so far raising over £200,000! Her fundraising to date has contributed to a conservatory being built next to the out-patient’s department at Clatterbridge plus a fleet of cars so the specialist nurses can administer some patient’s Chemotherapy in their own homes.  Amazing selfless women, Amazing….

Merseyside Women of The Year 2016