Well ladies
& gentlemen, as the title states, this will be the final blog of ‘Fluff’s
Journey’.
I’d like to
take this opportunity to sincerely thank everyone who has supported in
particular Julie on her difficult journey and yes those of you that have
supported me too during and since 'Fluff' robbed me of the bravest, funniest,
most loving & caring & most amazing woman I’ve ever known. I hope the
blog has given you an insight into a different world that I hope most of you
will never have to enter, for those that are on this path my thoughts are with
you daily, I hope Julie’s approach inspires you to be as brave or as inspirational
as she was, I hope our advice has or will help anyone facing a walk with cancer,
any cancer, whilst it has hurt like hell at times to just share our fears,
frustrations, feelings, our day to day lives, the laughter at times and the
tears and sorrow I remain and I know Julie was truly humbled by your support
and interest in just ‘two normal everyday people’. Thank you…..
So, here we
go.....
It’s amazing
how spooky coincidences happen, I’m driving home from Grimsby and struggling to
get a decent music station on the radio, tired of playing my playlist on my
iphone for I end up crying I tuned into BBC Radio 4, in a way just mentioning
that makes me smile for the ‘micky take’ I used to get off Julie when she was
in the car and The Archers was on, I’ve
been a long time listener of this ‘radio soap’ being of ‘country farming stock’. I like it but
Julie was more into Emmerdale or Coronation street though as her illness kicked
in soaps were the last thing she ever wanted to watch, she loved movies and
around Xmas time she would find a channel called Xmas 24 I think that was
non-stop Xmas movies, many I don’t think ever made the cinema screen but she
loved them, the idiosyncrasies of Julie.
Again I’ve
digressed, so BBC Radio 4 is on and there’s a play, it’s ‘Calendar Girls’, the
story of a group of Women’s Institute members from a village in Yorkshire who
wanted to raise £5,000 for a memorial seat in a hospital in memory of one of
the Member’s late husbands who’d lost a battle with cancer. So what did they
do? They decided to pose naked with various everyday objects keeping the more delicate bits
of them modestly covered and then turned the pictures into a Calendar. The upshot was just
the first print run of the calendar went the equivalent of ‘viral’ and raised
over £500,000 for their charity, absolutely staggering and of course it went on
to become a Hollywood movie too, the net result was not just a seat dedicated
to the late John Baker but a hospital unit.. The play at times is poignant and relevant to
my circumstances and yes it brought me to tears again as I listened. There are
obvious similarities in cancer patients and their partner’s lives, whilst not
in this league (for they ultimately raised over £2million) with a lot of your
support and hard earned cash we’ve achieved amazingly already, Julie was proud
of what she was achieving whilst alive and she knew I would continue my ‘work’
in her name after, I know I want to and will continue fundraising for
Clatterbridge Cancer Charity as a legacy to Julie. The play set my mind
thinking of another plan to raise funds for ‘CCC’, No not me in a calendar with
my kit off (not a pretty sight) though I did it once with a mate for charity in
a very spontaneous moment, Julie howled with laughter the night this occurred,
I think she was collecting urgently to get me to put my clothes back on hahaha
or is that hehehe? I need to speak to
family before I can run with ‘my plan’ You’ll hear of it if it happens that I
promise for i'll be after your money...
The weather
was lousy travelling home, I was one of the fortunate ones for so many families
and businesses across the north of England have been flooded this last week but
I eventually made it safely home to Shute Manor, ‘our Christmas tree’ looked
magnificent in the dark, the bedroom light above the dining room was lit up, as
I say that light stays on now to ‘comfort Julie’ unless I’m in the room, daft
or what?
So Xmas was
traumatic and I have New Year’s Eve ahead of me, I could see I’d be spending
the night home alone which I was dreading, despite a couple of kind offers, I’d
already decided I’d be taking a handful of DVD’s to bed and hiding myself away,
If I don’t hear the chimes or the fireworks I’m sure I’ll cope all the better
for it. I’m probably fooling myself all that said.
Being out of
holiday’s (Roll on April 1st) I had to return to work between Xmas
and the New Year, it’s quiet and it’s nice to not be fighting for a car parking
space.. New Year’s Eve and yes I’m working, from nowhere I had a call from my
dearest and best friend Vince basically saying, “Come on up, spend New Year’s
Eve with us, spend the weekend with us” Up means close to Darlington &
Durham so around 130 miles away and a drive of over 2 hours. Well I’ve been caught out again, Durham is
north and easy to get to from here but yet again I’ve no change of clothes with me or
shaving gear etc… Dilemmas! I said I’d let Vince know later for an added
complication my power company have been harassing me to (routinely) safety check my gas meter,
they even threaten to break in citing the law allows them to! And I’d finally
scheduled this to happen on the Saturday 2nd January… Typical for when I call their
offices are closed so I cannot cancel this appointment.. What to do?? I really
don’t want to be on my own for New Year’s Eve..
We had the
OK to leave work earlier than usual; this probably swung it for me. I arrived home around 5.30 pm and thought, “you
know go for it, go north”… I quickly
filled a small suitcase and at six thirty I was saying goodbye to Julie &
Winston, ensuring her light was on, I sat in the car around 6.30, I quickly
looked at my satnav deciding which was the best route, I chose the prettier
route, my belief is it will be quicker anyway, certainly quicker than the 3
hours the satnav was forecasting! I called Vince and set off, I forecasted I’d
arrive before 9, sod the satnav.. I arrived at ten to nine….
It’s always
a warm welcome when I arrive here, my second visit alone since I lost Julie.
Tonight Vince & Denise’s daughter, Karen, husband Jamie and their two
little legs Grace & Alex are staying over too, we just chatted the evening
away before Vince & Grace decided they were to continue the tradition to
‘first foot’ into the house on the stroke of midnight, we all hugged and wished
each other a Happy New Year, I was stunned for the tears never fell, the dread
I was anticipating never materialised, it was almost like a weight had been
lifted off me. I was thinking of Julie but there were no tears, not one. At
this point, the start of 2016, a new year, the realisation that I must see this
as the key to me moving on with my life, I already knew Julie wanted me to but
this change of date was it seems pivotal. Yes there are still a few ‘firsts’ to
come for me, St Valentine’s day, our wedding anniversary, Julie’s Birthday, my
birthday, then the first anniversary of her death but right now none of them
feel like they’ll be as hard to handle as Christmas was. The other event is
when we as a family scatter Julie’s ashes in the Lake District in late April,
somehow even that feels like it will be easier now, how quickly things change…..
Well….. I
previously queried with you all if I should continue the blog as it became more
about me when the original purpose was to make it about Julie & her
journey, a lot of feedback was kind and
encouraged me to continue, however, I also had one person who under the veil of
she (wrongly) thinks anonymity published some rather hurtful (to both Julie’s
memory & myself)and also grossly inaccurate comments onto the last blog
last week, the comments I removed instantly before they were seen, blog
comments are welcome but are now under moderation. Had this despicable cowardly
individual had the ‘balls’ to publish them under her own name I’d have probably
let them stand even though slightly embarrassing, they were inaccurate and they would show this
woman up for what she really is to our many mutual friends, to the many friends
who mix(ed) in the same circle as this woman, I’d say watch your backs, if this
woman could turn on and try to sully Julie’s name by questioning my love and
‘loyalty’ to Julie when she was allegedly so close a friend as she claimed to
be trust me when I say any of you could be next.
The above
said, in no way reflects on or has influenced my decision to make this the last
blog; the reason why will become clear at the end.
So It’s a
New Year, I drove back home feeling almost serene, I can it seems move on, I’ll
never forget Julie no matter how my life pans out now.
Between
Christmas and the New Year I’d seen a fantastic deal on a hotel in the Lake
District that Julie and I had previously stayed at after our journey back from
Aviemore with Casper & Annelies. I quickly reserved two rooms, for Vince
& Denise had offered to come to the Lake District with me to help me find
Julie’s final resting place. I had a couple of spots in my mind and Vince
had a suggestion too so we are ready for our visit in a couple of weeks.
Normality
has resumed, the Christmas Tree came down, probably by me for the last time, I’m
pretty certain now that I’ll sell ‘Shute Manor’, the tree will probably be a
gift to the new owners for at 10 feet tall it’s not going to fit in most houses,
even taking the tree down and boxing up the decorations came with no sadness or
regret, seems I’m beyond the tears now…
Wednesday,
13th January, I’m sitting I’m the lounge watching TV considering
going to bed, the weather outside has been lousy today, the streetlight was
highlighting the driving rain then I did a double take, we are either having
very lumpy rain or its snowing. I got up to the window in time to see six huge ‘snowflakes’
in with the driving rain, Julie absolutely loved the snow, she was childlike
when it fell, so excited, even if she was fast asleep as I was getting ready
for work, if I whispered it had snowed and it was sticking she’d be out of bed
and at the window grinning. With no warning at all these six ‘snow flakes’
poleaxed me, I was sobbing uncontrollably, in that heartbreak kind of way many
of you will have experienced I suspect, I sunk to the floor and sobbed, clearly
despite thinking I was over all of this I’m not, I’m clearly not. I headed
upstairs and ‘spoke to Julie’ as I sobbed, I sobbed myself to sleep..
Again I
returned to being ‘fine’ until two days before I am heading to the Lake District.
A twitter friend from Cumbria suggested I joined a Facebook group call ‘I love
the Lake District’. There’s a lot of information on there and loads of pretty
pictures for its snowed heavily up there this week. In amongst everything else
a gentleman called Gary Smith had published some poems he had penned, I saw
this one and well given the circumstances and the events ahead, yes I cried… This pain isn’t over or going to leave me yet….
Friday 15th
January and I’m driving to the lakes, we're stopping at the beautiful Whitewater
Hotel where I’ve been allocated a beautiful spacious room, four poster bed and
a Jacuzzi bath, a view of the river, I know someone who would have loved this
moment…
Saturday
morning and as I look out of the window I’m wondering where the snow is, we are
at the south end of Lake Windermere and they’ve escaped the snow (not the
recent flooding though). After breakfast the three of us headed out in my still
to be tested in the snow 4Wheel drive car. We headed for an area close by
called ‘Gummer’s How’, this is the spot Vince was suggesting, I’d done some
research on Friday, a proper car park across the road, a lovely looking field
with a ‘mini-mountain' to the right of it, Lake Windermere in front of us, on
screen this looked perfect. As we got out of the car put on our waterproofs and
boots I wandered over to the gate of the field. There isn’t much private land
in the lakes for it’s a national park but this field was private and it had
Bulls in it, the perfect spot wasn’t ‘that perfect’ after all.. Vince though
had all along had a different thought process, his idea was the top of the mini
mountain (Gummer’s How), Denise’s and my heart both sank as we realised our fate, we were
following Vince ‘Grand old Duke of York’ style up this hill! It looked daunting
but the higher we got the view and reasoning became obvious, Denise took a bit
of cajoling to get her the last 200 yards but bless her she made it, we all
made it and yes it felt good to have achieved what seemed like 800 yards across
a field and lol 800 yards up the hill (it’s nearer 600 feet lol). The views are
spectacular, it would have met all of Julie’s
specifications (I even discreetly
shed a tear for yes Julie would have loved the walk and the view) but I was
thinking practically, it would be a trek on the day we scatter the ashes and
anyone elderly would forever be excluded from visiting the site. All that said
the walk up, the views and the walk down were refreshing, I'm so glad we did it and lol I need the exercise.
and lush..
We headed
back down the hill and boy were we ready for a Costa Coffee in nearby Bowness on Windermere
plus it's almost mid-way to the resting place I have in mind..
Refreshed we
set off and as we closed in on the location the snow started to fall heavily.
As I pulled off the main road and found my way to the spot I felt was ideal it(snow) was well and truly coming down. This site had pluses, it met Julie’s
requirements, view of the lake, not too near the water, fertile land where she
may be part of the future nutrition for a plant or bush plus it was next to a
quiet road and not a ten yard walk. Vince now realising the need to meet the
more mature visitors needs too agreed this spot was perfect, he added, “Is the
coincidence of the Snowfall some kind of message from Julie?” was she showing
me a sign that this was perfect? Who knows but I felt so at ease here and, well Julie
would too that I’m sure. No tears either so this was good. I'll mull it over overnight but I’ve pretty much
made my mind up now, we’ve found the spot. The area was looking beautiful now
it was all snow covered, In April though it should be green
On the
Sunday having said our goodbyes, I packed the car and headed back to ‘the spot’
but not before pulling up just outside Windermere where I once took a picture
of Julie, one of my all-time favourite pictures, her face says it all, she was
so at ease
|
| Then.. |
 |
| And Now...... |
and in love with the Lake District and in this picture, she looks
even more beautiful to me. As I sat looking at the snow covered area and as the
snow continued to fall I
took a picture almost identical to the one with Julie
in, I sobbed at the poignancy of the situation and comparison added snow but one precious lady is missing, I question why I torture myself like this….. |
| The chosen spot |
As I wiped
my tears away I went back to ‘the location’ I pulled up and the field was white
over now, it looks stunning and I openly wept again, I needed to be sure but at
the same time these two moments are heart-breaking, heart wrenching torture, I set off
home the tears rolling down and drying on my cheeks. It’s been an emotional
weekend but it had to be done, the final part of Julie’s journey was planned
out now, I knew where and when ‘Julie’s journey’ would end, I realised too that
‘Fluff’s Journey’ had ended in Grimsby on Monday 28th September 2015 and
so whilst I’ve shared my emotions of grief since and those of us close to Julie will
continue to grieve I’m not sure there is further benefit in pouring out that
grief to you all, this was after all Julie’s Journey with that beast named ‘fluff’…. Thank
you for caring enough to live the journey with us.
"Gone but never to be forgotten my Princess"
And finally... A Video Tribute Courtesy of John Burns
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LsJcO9J5hw
And finally... A Video Tribute Courtesy of John Burns
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LsJcO9J5hw
.......The End…....
