In Julie's Name, Building a Clatterbridge Legacy

Well I arrived back from Tenerife in the early hours of the morning, later in the day as I always do I glanced through Facebook and Twitter, how our lives have changed thanks to the internet, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I picked up Julie’s iPad and her iPhone, I can see there are messages on the phone, I don’t feel I have the right to listen to them despite Julie leaving ‘all of her worldly goods to me’. If people have left messages for Julie after her death, then they’re clearly not for me. I later read how Emma had seen a new shop and thought Mum would love it and she wanted to call her to tell her about it but then broke down realising she couldn’t, as I said before I have no monopoly on grief Julie’s departure was impacting on a lot of people still and it will for some time. It would be easy for me to cancel Julie’s ‘non-contracted sim card’ and save a few pence but on seeing Emma’s message I messaged that she could call and leave mum a message anytime safely knowing the phone is still live and with my assurance that I won’t listen to the messages, will it help Emma or anyone else who wants to leave a message? I don’t know but I do hope so.

I’d settled down for a coffee, remember from the last blog that I discovered in Tenerife that a certain person who purported to be one of if not Julie’s best friend and who had blocked me on social media? As I drank my coffee I reflected on this, I know Julie’s view would be “any person who can treat Andy like this at this time truly isn’t the friend I thought they were”. Well suddenly it was payback time, I have Julie’s Facebook account under my control now and I scrolled down her friends list, I found the ‘so called friend’ and clicked on the ‘blocked button’… Did I feel better for it? No, but I had to make my point, this matter is now closed from my perspective.

I headed up to Clatterbridge.

You’ll recall too in the last blog that I mentioned the Clatterbridge Cancer Charity Appeal video. On the Monday I returned from Tenerife, rested I drove up to Clatterbridge to hand over the sealed collection box from the funeral, the just giving page in Julie’s memory was over a thousand pounds at this point (today it stands at £2,040) I’d find out later how much we raised at the funeral. I saw dear friends including Karen who had asked me if I'd do the Charity Ball appeal video. As we chatted another team member walked past and said “Hi” I responded likewise, she turned on her heels as I’m thinking “how do you know me?”,  “I’ve just watched you on the TV, she went on to say, 'Marie' introduced herself , “You’re probably going to need one of us to take you out to the bar when the video plays at the ball, it’s very raw & emotional”, lol like I didn’t know that  having featured in it… “I’ll be fine I explained” she wasn’t convinced. Not that I ever consider myself a ‘star’ but as Karen, Chris and I chatted about the video and me getting to preview it Karen lol brought me down to earth with a bump “The real star of that video is the house itself” she giggled. Cheeky sod, but I knew what she meant; the house has some beautiful qualities and reflects Julie’s amazing taste, she and Karen were so in sync.



Julie & Andy's Story shown at the Ball
 Photos reproduced with kind permission of Adam Johns Photography
Appeal Video by Owen Cotterell & Mocha TV

 

The appeal was to raise vital funding for 130 reclining chairs so loved ones could be closer together at hospital bedsides in the under construction new Clatterbridge Hospital being built in Liverpool City Centre, this is an extra site not a replacement. I asked Chris how much the chairs would cost and she confirmed on the night of the ball they were aiming to raise £500 per table for each chair, I told her we as a family would buy the first three chairs, Maureen, Mother.. had kindly and generously told me she would be donating £1,000,I would donate £500 on behalf of myself, Emma & Aaron, only 127 chairs to go…  Karen said “Can you imagine the response if we announce this at the ball?”

Later that day I watched the video, around five hours of filming and setting up had been expertly edited down by Owen and his team at Mocha TV to create a touching but powerfully heart wrenching 3.27 minute appeal, I sobbed as I watched it but felt so proud of it, this had to hit home, this had to raise money for the cause that Julie and I are forever grateful to. I watched it probably 30 times before the ball and I sobbed each time.

I returned to work the next day, I have to confess I cannot settle back in, my mind is full of Julie, the house seems so empty, I’ve developed a hatred for it, it no longer feels like home, it's become just a house now, it’s so empty and I feel its soul left with Julie, I lived here for over a year on my own before I met Julie though in those days my work meant I spent at least four nights a week in hotels so it wasn’t so hard, now it’s heart-breaking to go through the door,  I sob every time I enter it now, I’m avoiding the house the best I can, I stay at my office until late, I’ve even sat outside the house for almost an hour not wanting to go in, there are things that need doing but I’ve no desire or spirit to do them, I’m quite a strong character or rather, I thought I was, right now I can go from OK to sobbing in seconds, I even broke down in front of my boss at work, it’s a struggle and I’m still trying to work out if I am going to need bereavement counselling.

By deliberately staying out of the house until gone 9pm I limit my time awake in the house, I pick up my post that my fast becoming a ‘rock’ in terms of support, my neighbour Corrinna has put on the side for me, most post is for me but the odd letter is for Julie, nothing official mainly junk that I re-post back to the companies by marking as ‘deceased’, god what a horrible expression that seems. So post read, I head straight upstairs and to the laundry room, then to the shower then to bed, the next morning I’m up at six and leaving home by seven and the routine, hamster wheel like continues, it’s ground hog day… I so hate my life and the house right now, the saving grace is Winston, he rests on Julie’s pillow..

The night of the ball and I’d bought a table for ten, I invited dear friends, I invited Hannah & Chris, I invited Rebecca & Mike, dear friends who I’ve never spent enough time with but who were kind enough to take Hannah to Julie’s funeral so I’d reunite them too. You’ll remember ‘Bernie Bucket’, winner of the Woman of Philanthropy award at the Merseyside Woman of the year Awards where Julie was her runner up, Bernie has despite fighting her own amazing battle with cancer and family tragedy fights on and fundraises for several charities including Clatterbridge, the amazing woman has raised over £160,000 for charity, it puts to shame the sum we as friends of Julie have pulled together so far despite it being an incredible effort by us all. Bernie wanted to be at the ball but it was a sell out so on hearing this I invited her to join me on my table. I’d invited a couple, Nicki & her husband; by a chance charity lunch meeting with Julie, Nicki’s kindness shone through, it’s crazy for even today we’ve never met but we chat in social media a lot and I’m so proud to know her, her kindness during Julie’s illness I’ll never forget, so this was a chance for us to meet, Nicki is a huge supporter of Clatterbridge too, I think often ‘under sung’.. I’d invited friends Pete & Tara and that made up the ten of us. Ha, as the clock ticked down towards the event Nicky asked me did I have any spare seats on my table as she had a dear friend & her husband who wanted to come too, by a bizarre coincidence shortly after Pete & Tara had to pull out so I extended the invitation to fill the two seats to Nicki for her friends, Debbie & her husband Mick. The ball is just two days away and Nicki’s daughter is very and worryingly ill in hospital and undiagnosed, it was a worrying time and rightly but unfortunately Nicky had to pull out of the ball, thankfully Debbie’s brother  Brian and his wife Cathy stepped in and the table was finally full.

The night of the ball, a posh black tie affair at the plush Titanic Hotel in Liverpool approached. As I got ready, as I looked in the mirror at me all suited up I couldn’t help but ask “Why aren’t you here with me lady?” I’ve not attended a function in years without proudly having Julie on my arm looking stunning, her having her amazing head turning dresses on, tonight I’d be alone even though with friends, this wasn’t going to be an easy night for me.

Bernie & I share a joke, Hannah looking on

I arrived with Chris & Hannah and we were soon joined by Bernie, The Clatterbridge ladies were saying hi, all these women looked stunning, Chris and I looking like boring bookends in our Dinner Suits. Chris who had commissioned the video came over, she smiled and hugged me, introduced me to the official photographer who suddenly wanted pictures of me, I’m normally behind the camera not in front of it. My guests want to know what’s occurring, I’m not letting on..

If there is an upside to my life since Julie left me it’s that I’ve been hugged and kissed by so many women, many of them stunning since I’ve lost Julie, people are so kind but I’d give up every single kiss & hug to have Julie back..

Chris asked me to accompany her into the main function room to meet our compere for the night, Paul Crone, Paul works for ITN’s Granada Reports. All the way in Chris was kindly checking that I was ok, she introduced me to Paul, he welcomed me warmly, he’d seen the video and was stunned by my ability to have pulled and held it together, he’d not have thought that had he been there for the filming…  He explained the video would show and he’d then call me up so I could show off the rolled up giant cheque for ‘our three’ chairs and for a quick chat before the appeal began. I found our table then wandered back out to my guests, the room was stunning, tonight was going to be special.

Not long after and myself and my guests, along with everyone else were called in to take our seats. I finally got to meet Debbie & Mick also Cathy and husband Brian, everyone was intrigued by my rolled up large piece of paper but I’m not telling, next the official photographer is back and wants some posed pictures of me and asked would I like pictures taken with any of my guests, more questions as to "What's going on Andy?" I invited Chris and Hannah over for a picture opportunity, this young lady is stunning, don’t take my word for it, judge for yourself…

Chris, Hannah & me
Picture by Adam Johns Photography

Dinner was divine, we were fast approaching the fundraising part of the evening, firstly though Chris brought over an amazing young lady to meet me, Becky. Becky had been treated for cancer at Clatterbridge, she was to present her story just before my video played, she asked to meet me, the honour and privilege was all mine, this is one special lady. Becky was so nervous but determined to do her part, for any of you reading this that hasn't done it , to stand up in front of a room full of strangers for a first time is daunting unless you do it for a living.

Now it was time for the charity auction, Clatterbridge Patron Actor Daniel Craig had donated a signed leather Jacket that he had worn in the soon to be released Bond movie ‘Spectre’, he also donated separately two tickets to the forthcoming movie premiere. There was a French Chateau holiday, one of Wayne Rooney’s boots signed and the promise of a personalised message, numerous pieces of Liverpool FC memorabilia; the list was endless and bidding/competition was fierce, the Bond premiere tickets I think went for around £7,000! The generosity in the room was incredible; there were some wealthy people and organisations in the room I thought to myself and the Sales Manager/Negotiator in me recognised not everyone who had raised a bid had won a prize, I want their money, Clatterbridge need their money…

Auction over and I lost count of the sum raised so far but it must have topped fifty

My amazing new friend Becky - Cancer knows no age boundaries

to sixty thousand pounds! Paul introduced Becky to the stage, what an amazing lady, she was clearly emotionally charged but what an amazing job she’s done, the applause was almost deafening, then the screen lit up, there was the intro into our section, Debbie must have heard me gulp as the video rolled and she reassuringly put her hand on my knee, how do women have the ability to be so perceptive? Gradually the noise of the applause for Becky faded and the odd voice faded as people listened to ‘our story’, this was emotional but I managed to hold my composure, as the film clip appeal ended you could hear

a pin drop, the jovial party atmosphere had gone ‘flat’. Our compere Paul confirmed I was in the room and invited me up, I’ve never experienced a standing ovation before and I didn’t really warrant this one in my eyes as I made my way through the tables. I reached Paul and he expressed his awe in terms of ‘how on earth did you do that’? As he put the microphone in front of me I felt I had to apologise for ‘ruining everyone’s evening’, I could hear people crying.. I explained my piece of paper, that we as a family (Maureen, Emma, Aaron & myself)  are kicking off the appeal by buying the first three chairs,

I went on to explain 'we' needed money for 130 reclining chairs and that the room was full of generous people, I highlighted a lot had missed out on auction prizes and well my piece de resistance was to say “There are clearly a lot of people in the room tonight well above my pay grade and wealth and we as a family are buying three chairs, please help us help others, these chairs are invaluable”! Someone asked how much are the chairs? £500 was the reply, before the night started I asked Chris what was her target number for tonight, “Twelve chairs” so £6,000 plus our three so £7,500.

I had no idea what was to come, Paul Crone from nowhere came up with the idea of and announced “Tell you what, if you’d like to buy a chair do so on the strength of a handshake, come up and shake Andy’s hand as a commitment to buy a chair”. Where the hell did that come from? was going through my mind, it then seemed like thirty long embarrassing seconds where nothing happened, in reality it was probably nearer five before the first person approached me from my left, I thought we had

 

 

 

collectively ‘blown it’, the gentleman shook my hand and said “Andy, I’ll buy a chair” I thanked him so much, as I turned back to look ahead there were two queues of people wanting to shake my hand, to buy a chair! The generosity was amazing and the emotion was surreal, grown men and women crying as they approached me and shook my hand, I’ve never been so humbled in my life, Paul the compere was counting out

loud, we reached Sixty Handshakes and by definition Sixty chairs in under ten minutes, this was truly, truly, humbling, Becky’s story, The video of Julie & I had achieved beyond everyone’s wildest expectations, I went back to my table in a daze, Julie’s legacy lives on in a staggering way, my guests were so kind in their praise, basically ‘we’ had just raised over £30,000 in under ten minutes! Even as I type this I’m in awe, towards the end of the evening Chris confirmed some others had donated and some bought two chairs, we hit sixty five chairs so £32,500 plus our three taking it to £34,000!!  Later that night The Chairwoman & CEO of Clatterbridge NHS Trust came over and thanked me adding that historically that one of the board normally made the appeal but “We’ve never seen so much money raised so quickly, we said as we watched the video and saw the handshakes that never again will the board front the appeal, it has to be a patient or their family’s telling their story” I had Goosebumps as they spoke, we had achieved something so special tonight. The link to the video is featured below, at the end it asks you and shows you how to donate, yes my begging bowl is out again… As you watch it consider this thought… Imagine you are married for say 25 years or any time if you are as deeply in love as Julie & I were but imagine, you know your loved one is dying soon, imagine your loved one is crying because he/she wants to sleep cuddled up to you like you always have yet suddenly at the time you need to be as close as possible, a single hospital bed prevents you and makes it difficult to hold hands at night even. This is the harsh reality of this beast called cancer and what it does to you as a family. You’ve seen what I did to overcome it, so I’ll beg you, please help me make Julie’s legacy truly mean something, I want to be able to tell her Grandchildren one day that all the reclining chairs in the new hospital were down to Grandma… It asks for £5 or £10 in the video, seriously though if you can just spare £1 enter £1… The blog has been read over 64,000 times now, if every read was a single pound, we would have hit our goal…….

 

Watch Julie & Andy's story (Have tissues ready)

https://vimeo.com/143231709

 

So the impact of the video, I knew how I felt, I was then asked to check over some comments in a blog that Film Producer Owen from Mocha TV was about to publish, please click on his link and see how it impacted on him, Owen followed his kind words up with a donation too….

 

http://www.mocha.tv/2015/10/julie-and-andys-story/

 

It would have been 'so easy' to use Julie's death and funeral as the end to our fundraising commitment to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity but as I told her in the early days of her illness and I'll remind those that knew her in person or got to know her through her blog, we all had Julie with us for at least 18 months longer than we would have done if she had not had Clatterbridge helping her fight 'fluff'.... Julie would have written this were she here to do so, please help me make her proud...

On the night of the Charity Ball the appeal raised I believe a staggering unprecedented £105,000!!, in 2014 it was approximately £42,000, this was awesome but it's not enough to cover ongoing research such as Julie's support for 'Stop the Clock on Cancer' or what we consider luxuries above and beyond what a cash strapped NHS can deliver. Please help Julie and I make a difference, let the NHS money be invested in Doctors & Nurses and regular equipment but cancer patients and their family's deserve more, together we can make a difference . Thank you in advance.

With some very special thanks this time:

To Owen Cotterell & Mocha TV, your filming and editing facilitated the Tsunami of donations.

To Adam Johns of adamjohnsphotgraphy.co.uk  - Thank you for your permission to reproduce and share a selection of the amazing pictures you took on the evening.

To ITV Granada reports' presenter & our compere on the night Paul Crone, your amazing spontaneous idea to 'donate on a handshake' started one hell of a  generous 'stampede'

To Chris, Karen, Marie, Elspeth, Sam and all of 'Team CCC',

To All of my guests at the ball, you made a tough evening for me so special.

To everyone who bought a chair, you left me humbled, truly humbled

To each and everyone of you that has donated so far my sincerest and humble thanks be it £1 or £1,500 (for that's the range of donation sizes) and yes the £1 donation is as significant as the £1,500 one.

 

 

 

EVENTUALLY IT HITS YOU...

The funeral over we headed to ‘The Wake’, I’d chosen the venue where I’d thrown Julie’s ‘Surprise’ (laughs) 50^th Birthday Party. I say surprise for we got in the cab and as I instructed the cabbie where to take us he blurts out “So you going to this surprise 50^th Birthday party then?” I could have killed him, from the back seat the words “You’ve been rumbled Mr Shute” were giggled at me. I tried to keep up the pretence but she’d got me…. So fond memories of a night just over four years ago….. Kind of perfectly highlight's Julie's reasons for wanting to leave Grimsby...  

Today, well I was the last to leave the crematorium and by the time we got to the restaurant I had to make my own parking space (as I do).  I’d called in earlier in the day and put some large framed pictures onto the tables all showing my lovely wife, all in her loveliness and pretty clothes, she really ‘scrubbed up well’ as the saying goes, I know I was a lucky man..

It’s a weird day, I spoke to everyone but at the same time no one, how does that happen? The restaurant was packed, I’d arranged a six dish hot Chinese buffet that everyone seemed to approve of, Julie would have loved it too… The day was just so consuming for me I spent so little time with everyone, I barely got a mouthful of food, it was all such a whirlwind, those that approached and spoke to me were very complimentary of the food, of the funeral ‘service’ of the coach and horses, I’m glad they felt that way though not everybody it seemed felt the same…

All of the grandchildren were here now and they had balloons to let off with their special messages and pictures tied to them for grandma, I knew it was occurring, Emma had previously told me and I saw the balloons being prepared but I don’t recall anyone telling me they were about to be released, purely by fluke I went out to the car to get the journal to show Julie’s Cousin Maria and her husband Simon. I’d had quite an in depth conversation with Simon, I hold him in high esteem, from a business background too we kind of get each other I think, he shared his concerns with my need to express my view on people not having visited Julie, to a degree he had a point for by definition,  some who had visited Julie still didn’t feel it was enough and took my comments to heart, I understood, I knew I was never going to please anyone other than myself with raising the topic but other than writing about it to a wider audience here I have truly let this go now and let’s face it there is no going back anyway. No one though other than Maureen and myself had to suffer the pain of hearing Julie asking why some people weren't visiting her or how she so much 

Grandma's Balloons

wanted to see people.

So on heading out to the car the grandchildren and children are there being watched by friends and family letting the balloons go, this next piece/event is hard to write and were I so embittered I’d throw names in here but those that were close to Julie if they haven’t already heard this will know, those that don’t know us that well, well names are irrelevant, I’m raising the subject for it fits in with the blog title and all I’d say to any of you is read this, consider this and then decide if you’re ever in this position how you will treat people and how you cope with your own grief or how you consider other's grief, I have to respect this lady's right to express her grief or anger towards me in a way she seems fit..

So three of what I thought were ‘our friends’, you’ll recall my last blog about ‘friends’, these people I classed as ‘our friends’. I’d spent no time with them during the day, hey, I’d been busy, I saw little of people as per above, I saw everyone and I saw no one. I went over to the three of them and to one (who Julie would have told you was one of her dearest friends) I just said “Hello Missus, are you not talking to me?” It was said in partial jest but I didn’t recall talking earlier, I was gobsmacked by the one word response of “No”… I muttered something like “ok then” and walked off to my nearby car to get the journal thinking “What the ….” What Was that about? The other two friends were fine with me. Today was no time to have arguments or to push issues though but the one thing I did know was I had no clue as to why I was ‘being blanked’. I watched the balloons head west; almost it seemed Liverpool/Wirral bound. I went back into the hotel restaurant and shared the journal with Simon & Maria. Slowly people were heading off now, it had been a long day for everyone, some had travelled from afar and going back in the same day, I hugged and kissed so many people but right now I couldn’t name one of them. Gradually I hugged and kissed the stragglers which were all family saying I’d see them soon and I’d be in touch, these are the hardest goodbyes.

Casper, Annelies, Jeanette and I headed west; it was subdued in the car as we were homeward bound, I’m not sure how I felt, was this going to bring me closure? Would I be able to just move on with my life now?. I knew the answer would be no, not yet for I still have to collect Julie’s ashes and we as a family need to respect Julie’s wishes on her final ‘resting place’. As I drove I tried to figure out what had occurred to upset a once dear friend to the point that today of all days she wasn’t speaking to me. Julie had said to all of her family and I suspect to her closest friends too, “Please look after Andy when I’m gone” so, even more of a reason to not ostracise me like this, it really ate away at me initially. I’m truly stunned by this; I thought we were friends too…. I have to accept I’m not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’, I also have to accept that we all grieve differently but I feel out of this close friend’s rejection that I’ve been perceived to have failed Julie and that hurts, as I can reflect back now as we are two month’s on, I’ve no regrets over how I cared, loved and fought for Julie from the moment we discovered she was going to succumb to ‘fluff’, was I perfect before that? I’d answer no, I have my many faults, on rare occasions Julie would say to me “I love you dearly, but right now I don’t like you” but our relationship was special and it was solid. Early tomorrow morning I’m flying to Tenerife for a week to get my head around things and to evaluate my life as it is and what do I want to do with my future, I’ve not had time to truly consider me for well over a year, besides a long weekend in Jersey in 2014 I’ve not felt the warmth of the sun, I need all of this to help me reflect, I hoped I would come back with all of the answers and a plan.

Tenerife was lovely, not many people realised this was the last place Julie & I had actually holidayed together in late April as she became ill in the July, there were no clues then, I actually invested in a two year ‘time share’ kind of deal, I smile now as Julie watched me in full negotiation mode with the resort rep and then his manager, her words of “How on earth did you pull that off?” make me smile today, it was truly

sad though she never got the benefit of the deal though I rescued some of my investment with this holiday, shame due to a lack of holiday’s I’m going to lose the rest… I already thought I’d ‘lost the deal’ for I signed the contract in April 13, during Julie’s palliative pathway stage something was niggling at me about the contract for we were beyond the two year deal period. I dug the contract out after Julie had left me and was pleased to see it (the contract) hadn’t come in to force until 1^st January 2014!

As the taxi drove me to the resort I was wishing Julie was with me, I wasn’t here for fun even though it was a break, I can’t see me having any fun for the foreseeable future, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t going to be a doom and gloom break, Julie would have wanted me to move on, I’m not sure if I’ve previously mentioned it but even in the last eight weeks of her life she tried to ‘match make’ me with a mutual good friend, she was ever thoughtful to the end, you’d think in the knowledge that you’re dying the focus would been all about herself, but no her only concerns were for me, ‘our families’ and where her funeral would be held.

I visited a lot of the places Julie and I had been to, I went on a whale & dolphin watching boat trip as I had with Julie, I smiled as I recalled her joy and excitement as we saw dolphins swim under our catamaran and two pods of whales close by, Julie was so easily pleased…

My second night here and a friend messaged me to ask how I was, she mentioned a face book conversation about the funeral and the balloons, it was obvious the person who posted it was making a point by praising the family but 'ignored my contribution' the friend felt the need to comment in my defence. I hadn't seen this conversation on Facebook, I'd missed little for there are so many nice comments appearing all over that of course I'm reading and touched by all of them. I searched for this thread and I couldn't find it so I searched for the person's name who had posted it, I couldn't find her, the realisation that not only had I been snubbed at the wake but I had now been blocked on Facebook by her too! What the hell was going on, I was furious, I felt now like I'd been stabbed in the heart, this hurt, truly hurt. I posted a rant on Facebook but  of course the person who had blocked me wouldn't see this for of course I'm now 'blocked'.... I'm still clueless as to what I've done or not done.....

My main considerations for when I got back home and was seeking answers to mainly revolved around the house, ‘Shute Manor’ as Julie had named it. Put simply it’s too big for me, I live 43 miles from my office, my annual diesel bill is around £5,000 a year, on top of that another £700 in tunnel fees, it is logical to move east towards my office. Because of my work hours I know less than a dozen people locally and I’d class just three of them as friends. I came to the conclusion that unless I had a reason to stay here by the end of the year then I’ll put the house on the market, it’s not the memories of Julie dying there, I truly wanted us to be together in our home as she slipped away, once she realised I wasn’t going to be upset by this and wanted it to be this way she was at ease with it all too, I actually told her in hospital not to worry about that for I’d sell the house after she finally ‘left me’.

What about me? What was to be for me? I’ve had two years plus knowing Julie was going to leave me sooner than we wanted, I don’t do being alone well, I don’t have loads of mates, I’ve never been the ‘all the guys on a night out type’, I’ve always felt more at home in women’s company than men’s and again due to working away I know few women in Birkenhead or anywhere else if it comes to it plus questions ran through my mind like “Is it too early to move on? Will anyone want to spend time of any kind with a fifty-nine year old? I appreciate I’m not the rugged good looking handsome type, too many times in my life I’ve been told “you’re a lovely man Andy, but…(not my type)”, Even Julie told me after a couple of months of seeing each other “You do know that you and I will never be anything other than friends don’t you?”, yes I know my strengths are once people realise what’s behind the face, the problem is and I saw a quote recently that said “Any man can treat a lady right for one night, but it takes a great man to treat her right for life”. My response to this is (and you’ll say well you would say this Andy) From my experience and listening to others a lot of women are attracted to the handsome, chiselled chinned, rugged good looking type of man yet so many then become bitter because the men are, ‘excuse my language, Bastards’, they’ll use you and walk all over you, you think you can change them to be the man you want them to be, loyal, loving, committed to you and yet judging by a lot of comments I’ve read recently it ends in disaster and upset for you, meanwhile the guys that aren’t so good looking, the guy in the club or pub that you’d never talk to or fancy even if he was the last man on the planet is the guy who is craving to worship you and make you happy and content, Julie called me her frog prince… anyone who knew Julie and knew of us knew she had the happiness and security in a relationship she’d always craved.. There are some beautiful single women who read this blog, I’ve been fortunate to meet many of you, not for me but on behalf of all ‘frog princes’ I’d say “Your looks and their looks (the rugged handsome types) will one day begin to fade, the fidelity of these hunks is likely to be questionable, seriously get to know the ‘frog princes’ and then decide do you want one night of being treated right or a lifetime?”

The dilemma for me is when if ever is the right time to move on, I’ve no desire to step into a full blown relationship so soon after losing Julie, many of you will say I’m being disrespectful now even contemplating this area of my future, I certainly will not sully our memories by doing this even lol if any of you beautiful women would consider me, Julie cannot be replaced, what we had was special, so special and so unique but at the end of the day I’m human and in the grand scheme of things at 59 my time and romance options are limited. I miss the affection and closeness of romance as opposed to love, without overstating the obvious what Julie and I had for over two years was our deep seated love for each other, yes we hugged and kissed and told each other probably twenty times a day that we loved each other (and meant it) but understandably things were ‘different’ to how they were pre her illness, the turmoil I have in my head is wanting what I crave and miss versus respecting the memory of my darling wife.

I flew home thinking I had most things worked out; it fast became apparent that wasn’t so but more on that in another blog.

As I walked into the house in the early hours of the morning, I sat in Julie’s reclining chair in the dining room window; I looked at the pile of post Corrinna had kindly brought in for me. I felt the emptiness of the house, I looked at my favourite framed picture of Julie that was on the dining table and sobbed as I asked her again “Why did you have to leave me, why?” The realisation that this was my future hit me like a ton of bricks, I took the picture to bed with me and Julie, Winston and myself were 'reunited' as I cried myself to sleep….