(UN)Happy Anniversary

Happiness is....

The worst thing about moving on after someone passes away for most and this includes me is those ‘firsts’ without your loved one, First Christmas, First Birthday’s etc. and whilst these are common across all family members the one that hits home in my instance the most is my first wedding Anniversary without Julie.

We were married on June 19^th 2010, it was the most amazing day and of course as I write this on 20^th June 2016 yesterday was to have been our 6^th Wedding Anniversary.

We had both been previously married and one of Julie’s regrets when we discussed marriage was that her first wedding was rushed and done on the cheap; she even did her own catering on the day. She understood the financial constraints and she had a lovely day marrying her first husband George. Julie for those that know her in person and have picked up what she was like through the blogs will know whilst she never had delusions of grandeur she wanted nice (not necessarily expensive) things in life. She dreamt of getting married in a castle, this would have been her fairy tale wedding. My mantra when it came to Julie even before she was ill was “What Julie wanted, Julie got”. She wasn’t spoilt and she wasn’t demanding but she knew what she liked and whilst I’m not rich except in memories now I earned sufficient that I was able to fund her fairy tale wedding &  offer Julie the opportunity to give up work when she was recovering from a previous illness/operation. After all ‘Shute Manor’ and it’s 17 rooms was almost a full time job keeping it clean & her tweaking it with her interior design skills to turn it into our home with a bit of a wow factor. It was not finished, now that’s for someone else to do but when the army of carers and healthcare professionals came to see Julie they all wanted to see around ‘Shute Manor’ and the comments were genuinely so complimentary at what Julie had done to the place. I mainly did the basics to get the house ready for the finishing, I smile as I recall being told I was banned from painting and decorating by Julie for my finishing "wasn’t to her standards" heehee…

As usual I’ve digressed, the point I was trying to get to was when we decided to get married I wanted her to have her fairy tale wedding. I actually found a castle just over

the Scottish border near Gretna Green that did Weddings and I made enquiries. When I sent Julie the web link and I called her she said “It’s perfect, but what about my parents?” I replied “What about them, it’s you I’m marrying not them.” She explained and as often was so, she was right. They were too old and health issues would impact on their journey and I suspect they’d have declined the invite and for ‘Daddy’s girl’ not to have her parents at her wedding… Well it wasn’t going to happen so I started to seek a venue in Lincolnshire where Julie’s parents live. By chance I stumbled upon a hotel called The Priory Hotel in Louth, it's about 15 miles from Grimsby. It looked perfect, Julie liked the look of it, I spoke to then Owners Paul & Shelley and we dashed over that weekend to check it out in person and I immediately shook hands with them and we confirmed the booking and date.

 

Whilst Julie’s skills were in interior design and her crafting skills, which she put to good use for the wedding preparation and with the aid of friends like Jacqui, Xena, June, Collette and My Mum Maureen, they made up the invitations, the place setting cards, the ‘wedding favours’ in fact so many things I cannot recall them all but my skills came in to the organisation of the event. She initially laughed as I pulled together a spreadsheet with all the different elements on it and when we needed to achieve things by to make sure the day went perfectly and as we progressed she saw the benefits. She would often say that ensured her day was the happiest day of her life (truth be told it was mine too). Truthfully it went perfectly, the one slight glitch was the morning before the wedding as I dropped Julie at the hotel we checked out the marquee in the grounds and the dance floor was a plain wooden dance floor when I thought I’d specified I wanted a ‘chess board type dance floor’. A quick call to the amazing Betts Marquee company who were based just yards away and they were on site to point out I’d got what I’d ordered… within the hour they had kindly begun to remove the plain floor and lay a chess board style floor… lol it cost me but it was worth it. Besides that our wedding truly was perfect….

 

We all (I think) have a reasonable expectation to live into our late seventy’s (or longer) which seem to be the ‘new fifty’ judging by people I know including my mother who, in her eighties leaves younger people standing when she goes off 'on a mission'. So to have married Julie and to have had just five wedding anniversaries with her and to have lost her aged 54, just check out the happiness in these pictures & well I think I have (we all have) every right to feel robbed.

I couldn’t let this first anniversary since losing my princess go by without ‘being with her’ so I planned to spend time with her at her resting place, our spirits together at least.

Before I set off I checked my emails and was surprised to see an email from Clatterbridge’s ‘Associate Director of Communications’. She explained that the Sunday Telegraph had published a piece on the government’s plan to increase the number of patients in the UK who could access treatments such as Julie had had (Novalis Tx Stereotactic Radiotherapy) and that Clatterbridge as one of the few specialist hospitals to offer this procedure for patients with brain tumours was part of the process, they intended to issue a press release of their own on Monday and “could I give them a quote to include”, as usual it is a pleasure and I see this as Julie’s influence continuing though now only in spirit. She would be so proud. She was so unassuming and modest and didn’t truly appreciate the impact that she was having on other people’s lives by her charity work and the support she gave Clatterbridge including giving permission for her SRT session and the build up to it to be filmed.

So a short telephone conversation with Emer from Clatterbridge and I gave her a couple of quotes for possible inclusion.  This is exciting news for Clatterbridge, its Merseyside patients and for the country as a whole. Whilst the local paper was quick to publish the exciting news today, they didn’t include the quotes but this journey isn’t all about us. http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/14568008.Clatterbridge_Cancer_Centre_among_trusts_chosen_to_deliver_pioneering_treatment/?ref=rss&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

 

Amazing Ever Changing Landscape

I headed to the Lake District, it was anything but the perfect day but at this point it was still dry. I drove up to my now regular parking spot and stopped the engine, as I looked across the adjacent field/meadow my eyes went wide as a young female deer was grazing. I smiled and thought, “yes, this was the right spot for you hunny”, It’s so tranquil and even the odd passing car didn’t startle ‘Bambi’… Thankfully I’d brought my camera and managed to get a few pictures of both the Deer and the ever changing landscape around me. I sat on the sawn off tree stump I’ve previously

mentioned, I took the chain holding our wedding jewellery from around my neck and held and kissed them, by now my eyes were tear-filled. I was looking down onto the spot where we had scattered Julie’s ashes, in the short period of time since, I was stunned to see the exact spot covered in fresh growth of stinging nettles, It’s stupid to say it but it was almost as if in fulfilling her desire to fertilise and nurture plant life Julie had chosen to protect herself with nettles! Although I couldn’t see them I am certain seeing this growth that the strawberry plants I planted are still there and not as we feared having been nibbled by the then grazing sheep, I smiled wickedly thinking “Maybe I should have planted Mint or Rosemary instead” Julie would have chuckled at that, she’d have been chuckling anyway at the irony of nettles for we had a private joke between us about this evil plant…

I walked to the field gate, then through it and stood by ‘the spot’, I was telling Julie how much I was missing her, how hard it is for us all without her, I was sobbing, this is stupid I know, it’s irrational; I explained; ”Six years ago today at this time, we were getting ready for our marriage , “I can’t believe we only had five years hunny life is so unfair.” I told her about visiting our family, I explained how poorly her dad is, I

Across Lake Windermere

explained that the house has now been valued and it will be on the market within a fortnight. I explained how her hard work and interior design skills had pleasantly impacted on the valuation. I explained now was the time for me to move on and it was for someone else to finish what I’d started and Julie & I continued with, 170 year old houses need on-going upkeep. The field was quite damp, the grass and the plants were all showing the damp so through my tear filled eyes, I said “I’m going to sit up on the tree stump hunny, please come and hug me” It’s so damn irrational I know but I am who I am… I exited the field and ensured the gate was secure and took up my position on this tree stump, a few cars passed even a police van but no one noticed my tears and most would assume as I had my camera with me that it was just some guy making the most of a photo opportunity.. The deer was still in the adjacent field, Windermere below me was an ever changing landscape as the boats and the tree shadows and clouds changed it. I knew I’d met her needs in full. I hadn’t previously thought about my own ashes when that day ultimately comes but now I’m positive I want to be ‘reunited’ with Julie, another trip to the solicitors will be happening soon regarding the house so I’ll have my will re-written then. Remember, the only guarantee your wishes will be fulfilled is if you state them in a legal document such as a will.

With these rings....

I was still holding our wedding jewellery on the necklace as the time approached 1pm; I explained how excited I was waiting for her to walk into the room, how radiant she looked as she walked to take

her position next to me. As my phone clicked to 1pm I just sobbed and howled, I was holding the rings so tightly they put an imprint into my fleshy palm. As I composed myself I kissed the rings and gazed at the nettles and the view. I took pictures of the rings on the tree stump and the words from our wedding were fresh in my head, “With this ring…” I sat there until approaching 2pm before I said my goodbyes; I said I’d be back next month for the next ‘first’ Julie’s birthday…. Then set off for the nearby Low Wood Bay Hotel, our favourite hotel where we stayed four times and I spent a couple of hours here taking in the lake view and enjoying a sandwich, there was a young couple on the next lounge table being served afternoon tea, the romance of it all wasn’t lost on me and of course I thought “I wish that was foxy and me”….

 

 

The rain began to set in and I decided to head south to my hotel near my office, for several reasons I didn’t want to be alone in ‘Shute Manor’ today.. It was only when I lay on my hotel bed around 8.30pm that I realised how emotionally draining today had been and the next thing I knew it was gone midnight….

The Dating Game..

 

 

 

It’s shortly time to update you on my attempts at dating but first, some day to day moving on stuff.

It’s amazing the things that ‘get to you’, I previously explained about the ambulance incident a couple of editions ago and whilst mainly I’m at peace with myself and my loss now it isn’t always the case and just the smallest of things can ‘set you off’…  Probably the strangest of late was my or rather ‘our car’… I’m not ‘Status or car orientated’, I barely own anything with a designer label and cars have always been about practicality not being swanky..

My last car when I bought it was a three year old VW Tiguan, Both Julie and I liked it for it was spacious and as a 4WD gave a bit more height which gave Julie added assurance both before and after she became ill, It lacked boot space especially at Xmas time when we headed to Grimsby loaded down with our suitcases and presents, thankfully the back seats folded down. The only time space was a problem was when on one of Julie’s ‘bucket list’ trips, driving to Aviemore with Casper & Annelise with us I’d worked out we would need a roof box too. We had many happy

Julie Enjoying Jersey 2014

journeys in that car including when we drove to Jersey, well we took the ferry too lol . Yes Julie was ill by then, in fact it was our final proper holiday, she so loved it…. Anyway, as usual, I digress. I recently had a premonition that at six years old it was time for the Tiguan to go. I’ve no idea what it was but something or ‘someone’? kept saying ‘Get rid of the car it’s going to start getting costly’. The upshot is I sold it. As I watched the car being driven away, like a child I just burst into tears, I’ve never felt any kind of affection towards a car before but somehow this was different, It was watching another part of my life with Julie & our memories leaving me. I felt a right charley as I walked back up my path sobbing, trying to tell myself, “It was just a car, it was just a bloody car"……….

A strange thing happened recently too,  out of the blue, a young lady called Becky who works for Macmillan as ‘Digital Communications Officer’ contacted me explaining ‘they’ had recently come across the blog and felt the ‘Macmillan – Their important role’ was a great read in terms of the information it shared in terms of how crucial their support was, Jayne our Macmillan Nurse featured and again I’ll go on the record of saying Julie’s pain Management, stress and agitation was kept under control thanks to Jayne’s caring, compassionate & rational team approach. Basically Becky wanted to know could they ‘promote the blog’ via their Facebook & Twitter accounts.  I was also asked to put a tip on their ‘The Source’ Website, I explained how talking with Jayne assisted Julie and myself (my mum too).. The promoting of that particular blog had an incredible impact, driving readership up to over 1,400 reads, in total now Fluff’s Journey has had an amazing 77,000 reads. https://source.macmillan.org.uk/blog/ 

May was Brain Tumour Awareness month & I was also asked to do a guest editor slot on their ‘Tip of the Week’ feature, feedback was that It reached 143,595 people on Macmillan’s  Facebook and just over 1,600 ‘reactions’ it turned out to be the 2^nd most popular post in the last two months. I feel very humbled and I am sure Julie would too that her story and her journey has touched so many other people. If we help just one person, just one, it will ease the pain of the significant loss of Julie to us all.

Talking about Cancer or the impact of it on you or a loved one can be difficult, did you know you can call Macmillan on 08088080000  Remember No one should face cancer alone…..

I’ve visited the family since the last blog too, they’re still tearful affairs for me, the journey over with an empty passenger seat, and how can it ‘hurt’ so bad? From nowhere my eyes still well up with tears. The grandchildren, all six of them put a smile on my face, bless them they’re too young to feel the impact of losing Grandma that Emma, Aaron, Vicky & Bob feel and they’re a refreshing distraction. Oliva ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ Buckley decided as we went to Cleethorpes Pleasure

Screaming Daredevil twins

Island Amusement Park that I should accompany her on rollercoasters and lord knows what, she is just fearless as are the twins, a heehee moment, on the roller coaster olli is more concerned about me and telling me as she held on to me “I’ve got you Andy, you’ll be alright”. Although unspoken we try to convince each other as ‘adults’ that we’re ok, it’s so obvious to all of us that we’re not. We’ve just passed the 9 month anniversary of losing Julie (I know, where does the time go?) but it feels at times like it was just yesterday….  I took over some of the gifts the children had given

A gift to Mum

Mum over the years, it’s not that I dislike them or don't want them but it’s more fitting now that they’re a memento of Mum.. I also took over Julie's perfumes & some photographs from her memories box for the children and for Julie’s dad, I also returned two pieces of family artwork that had belonged to Julie's Granny. Of all of us my heart goes out to Julie’s dad the most, he is truly heartbroken, no parent should have to attend their child’s funeral… As a distraction he’s treated himself to a beautiful young springer spaniel pup, it’s nice to see a smile on his face as he plays with her….

Well you have waited long enough to hear about the dating exploits. Surprisingly to me, the world must be full of women with poor eyesight for I’ve met my fair share of ladies in the last four months, sadly none of the meetings have progressed to anything but here is a glance at some of the events… It’s a rollercoaster ride I can tell you!

I met one lady who seemed very nice though she had family life complications including a couple of her adult children and one of their partner’s living with her and a grandchild not that I met them though mid telephone conversation one night her drunken son grabbed the phone and was being less than complimentary to me so I hung up and that was the end of that. It's obvious dating in your 50's that you're going to be often involved ultimately with more than just the person you're dating but I still expect to be treated with respect and I'm not used to a drunken culture..

Another lady, beautiful, seemed great fun and was very affectionate, she seemed to be a good match for me but everything was done by text message and arrangements to meet were pretty much always the day before we met. My initial thoughts were there was ‘someone else’ involved but that wasn’t so but whilst I don’t want to talk the hind legs off a donkey I don’t want to spend my life swapping lengthy  text messages when we’re apart when we could have made arrangements over the phone in probably less than a minute. I ultimately felt like I was being taken for granted and when one evening just before I set off from work to her apartment for a pre-arranged date night I text to say I was on my way, then was asked to text when a little nearer, I did but no response, I tried again and at this point with no response I messaged back saying I was heading straight home. Bizarrely a week later I got a message asking could we go out again… Seems to be the done thing from my experience now. As you read on you’ll see why I say that.

I met a woman for dinner one evening in Bolton, whilst she resembled her profile pictures off the dating website she’d either aged very quickly or, they were taken several years ago. I hate deceit and whilst her company over dinner was good, for many reasons including she’d have been out of my financial league and we had slightly different interests it wasn’t going to work for me, seemed not for her neither for the next morning I received a message in summary saying "thanks but no thanks". That was back in March and then just two days ago (June) she called me again! For reasons I’ll go into probably in the next blog I’ve decided to extract myself from the dating arena and I explained to this lady but how bizarre to make contact again hoping to pick up where you left off.

I contacted another woman around the same time, arranged to meet the next evening, the next evening she’s just disappeared. A month later I contacted a woman and arranged to meet her and as we chatted the night away she dropped out “We spoke before you know”… Same woman though she had changed her hair style & colour. She was fun but a lot younger than me and whilst I do not believe I’ve ‘banged on about Julie’ it’s natural that she came up in conversation and I’d answer any questions any of my dates had about her. We were seeing each other until just before I took Julie’s ashes to the lake district, I explained it was a private family event and she seemed to understand but there was no contact from her after I returned home. Wonder if she’ll call again…

I met another woman, very pretty, very ‘fit looking’, self employed, own successful business, we met for dinner three times we got on amazingly, whilst she had grown up children they’d flown the nest and she had two dogs that seemed to be her life. Although we’d got on great, I wasn’t feeling any romance with her, it was almost like she’d found a mate to have dinner with. Easter weekend approached and I had no intention of spending four nights alone in Shute Manor so I booked a cottage near Carlisle and Hadrian’s wall, one part of our heritage I’d never seen.

I deliberately chose a two bedroomed cottage that was pet friendly, I contacted the lady concerned and explained what I’d done and invited her along for some or all of the long weekend. She was pleasantly pleased especially at my consideration over the dogs, I explained if we were to progress I appreciated the dogs would be an important part of ‘our lives’ so I needed to get to know them too. I explained about the two bedrooms and that she was under no pressure in regards to the sleeping arrangements. She decided to come up on the Saturday, she loved the cottage as did the dogs. Whilst still no affection being shown as such this felt initially very comfortable.. Then things started to go downhill for me.

As we sat there chatting the dogs were just finding their way around the cottage and taking in the view through the patio windows, then first one then the second jumped on the sofa.. I didn’t say anything initially but given this is someone else’s property, personally had they been my dogs there is no way they’d have been on the sofas let alone what followed.

As we sat on one sofa one of the dogs jumped on an adjacent one and started rubbing its face on the cushions, I understand dog’s needs to mark their territories and there could have been worse ways to do this lol… But then as she giggled at the dog doing this said “She’s funny her, you watch her she’ll start humping the pillow next”..! Sure enough this small dog mounts the pillow and well…..my jaw is bouncing off the floor, I hadn’t come away for the weekend to watch dogs perform pillow porn lol! You could not make this up and not for the first time in my life I’ve thought “This could only happen to me”…I politely told her to take the dog off the sofa…. In my head I’ve already decided none of this is compatible with me and I wasn’t disappointed that later she chose to sleep on her own.

Sunday I drove us and the dogs up to Gretna Green, allegedly the most romantic place in the UK but as we toured one of the Blacksmith’s wedding chapels still no chemistry..  As we got back to the cottage and had a coffee she said “I don’t know what to do”, I queried the statement,  apparently she had arranged to have lunch with her daughter on Monday and didn’t know if to travel back ‘tonight’ or in the morning. I took this as an ideal moment to say “Probably best to go tonight as the traffic may be bad tomorrow being a bank holiday”. So with that she set off.

Monday morning I set off for the Lake District and to the spot I’d chosen for Julie’s ashes to be scattered just to reassure myself one last time.

Not long after I got home a previous young lady I’d met, who I thought we were getting on really well together, but subsequently she also ‘ditched me’ was texting me to say “I really miss you”…. Stupidly I gave this woman another chance but within a fortnight I was well and truly kicked to the curb again!

It’s almost like they ‘test the waters’ with me then decide “nah he’s not for me” to then probably date a few arses and then realise Andy was a nice guy after all!

To be honest it’s tiring and the constant ups and downs of it get me down. I don’t believe I’ve been over the top, spoken about Julie too much or tried to smoother them with kindness affection and gestures, I’d rather go at ‘their pace’..

One last one for you, the date that never was….

I contacted a woman who seemed lovely and certainly looked good in her pictures and she was relatively local to me. Sods law was it was just before Mother’s day weekend and I was going down to see Mum/Maureen. It was the Thursday daytime around noon & I swapped messages, I told her I’d message her then call her on my way home from work after she’d supplied me her number.

I left work at 6 and sent her a message that said “Hiya, I’ve just finished work and am in my car, fancy a chat?” Well I drove almost 40 miles and no response. I stopped for petrol and as I got in my car saw a message had landed, it read “No you cannot! I’ve been waiting for you to get in touch instead you’re chatting to other women on Plenty of Fish, forget it!” I was gobsmacked I’d been working not chatting to anyone on POF so I messaged her back even sent a pic of my car dashboard. “I’ve been driving for 45 minutes, I have NOT been on POF, nor am I talking to anyone else!”, she called me most apologetic saying I was showing as being on line – I never log out of the site but I definitely hadn’t been back on POF. Anyway, we chatted I said I’d like to take her to dinner but as it was mother’s day and I was visiting my mum I couldn’t until the Monday night, she was fine with that and I made reservations at a restaurant for us.

Friday I was busy and sent one message saying “Hope you’re having a great day”, Saturday as I was out for lunch with Mum I messaged her saying again “Hiya, hope you’re having a great day”, this came back “Look if you’ve gone away for the weekend with another woman just tell me and we’ll call it a day”! I sent her a pic of my 84 year old hot date and a message to that effect lol. Message came back saying “I thought you’d gone away with someone else”…. Phew, clearly major trust and insecurity issues here, I was beginning to have my doubts on this. Saturday night late on we chatted on the phone for almost two hours, we were clearly getting on well but I expressed my concerns over the trust issues and even said “Whichever man has hurt you so badly for this insecurity to rear its head has a lot to answer for” I told her I was genuine and once we had met on Monday night I’m sure she would be reassured.

Sunday Morning I was about to set off for home and I checked my emails, there were two from the admin team at POF saying “You’ve got new messages”, puzzled as my profile is hidden, (I always hid my profile once I was seeing someone) so I went on to the website, the messages were just POF saying “New members, check them out”.. I then thought I’d better let my date to be know that I’d been back on POF & why after the last blowout over this. The response that came back was unreal, not much shocks me but this did! “You’re a F*****g liar, you’re back on there talking to other women, I’m F*****g sick to death of your type messing me about and lying” I messaged back “I’ve not messed you about, I’ve been totally honest with you, I’m sorry though and I’ve never done this before but our dinner date is cancelled, you, your insecurities and I are clearly not suited, good bye”… Another tirade of vitriolic abuse followed and I just messaged back saying “Please do not message me again”…  Phew! It’s hard work and it’s stressful…

So there you have it, my dating experiences to date.   I should count myself lucky that women want to meet me at least once. All I want though is someone to share some good times with and to be part of me rebuilding my life and moving on, seems even that is too much for me to ask for.

So, a combination of my experiences plus; so long as I live at Shute Manor I’ll invariably end up dating local women and if that occurs I’ll probably never move and I am now adamant I will so I decided no more dating or dating websites for me until I’ve sold Shute Manor, it makes sense to wait until I’ve relocated and find someone local to me there, I’d hope that will be in the next 3-4 months but until then I don’t need the added stress, grief and hassle that’s seeking me out it seems.