And Winston Came Too

This was the week I’d been dreading; 9^th of September 2015 03.20 in the morning is burnt into my brain like being branded. I’ll never forget that moment, the physical pain and the anguish tinged with the sense of relief that Julie’s suffering was finally over, little did I realise that mine would continue for at least a full year. Of course I expected to feel the pain and anguish for some time certainly to beyond Julie’s funeral but naively I thought I’d be able to start rebuilding my life with the finality a funeral brings, how wrong was I?

I Started to write this blog edition on 5^th of September 2016, many of you will say “well you’ve tried to move on” and given my honest feedback on trying to date it’s fair to say I have tried to move on, maybe some would say “too soon Andy”. I’ve not looked for a book on grief and how to cope with it, I don’t know if any exist, given the apparent popularity of this blog (as of writing 97,000 reads) maybe this is as close to one that exists? Its real time and it’s heartfelt and brutally honest and I hope it helps others understand.

Other parts of trying to move on include putting the house on the market and recent reads will confirm that isn’t going well, I’m now resigned to being stuck in the house until the spring of 2017, in itself that’s a depressing thought but I am not giving the house away.

Part of my coping strategy, if that’s what it is/was is avoiding the house at weekends; it’s incredible to think that I’ve been away from the house for 44 out of 52 weekends since Julie left me, my bank manager would probably say "Yep, I can believe it"!

The weekend just gone I was invited up to Seahouses in the North East of England, much further north and you’d be in Scotland. Northumberland is a beautiful county

Bamburgh Castle

and home to some amazing Castles, close by Seahouses is Bamburgh Castle and not far away is Alnwick Castle where parts of the Harry Potter Movie ‘franchise’ was filmed. On our last visit three years ago Julie had a really fun day here, not because she had a love of castles but she loved the ambience, the gardens, the costumes and the company of being with dear friends Vince & Denise, this weekend it is just Vince, Denise & myself but obviously in a nice way Julie continued to come into the conversation. We had an excellent weekend and of course these are sweet memories of those happier days.

Julie slipped away from us in the early hours of 9th September which was a Wednesday, with the leap year this year the 9^th is on a Friday and yes I’ll be heading back for a 'reunion'.

It’s been a strange week nothing stranger than this coincidence. On Wednesday, so twelve months to the day I received a call from Julie’s brother Andy, I’d previously explained that Julie’s dad hasn’t been well fighting Cancer himself. Today of all days it was broken to him that there was nothing else that could be done for him by his hospital medical team, I understand he took the news stoically stating he’d had a good innings, deep down I believe he was relieved and just wanted to be reunited with Julie, Andy was making all the necessary arrangements to get his dad home for his final few days so that he could have his faithful springer spaniel with him, let’s face it I don’t think any of us want to end our days in a hospital bed unless it cannot be helped, this news just makes a sad week even sadder though.

 I’ve managed to book a caravan at the wonderful White Cross Bay again, my initial plan was to drive up on the Friday Morning, visit Julie then go check in however I kept being drawn to wanting to be with her at the exact time of her leaving me, I know, it’s irrational. Also I could only book the Caravan from the Friday, I looked for hotels but man can the Lake District Hotels and B&B’s charge?! I was finding nothing for less than £150 for the night, it’s supply and demand in this inland resort area, I suppose I’d do the same myself in their shoes, all the same I’m not paying that, (famous last words!).

The more I thought about it the more I felt I should drive up on the Thursday night after work; it’s illogical to drive Bolton to Birkenhead and then back up in the same direction to get to the Lake District. Wednesday night I filled my suitcase and Thursday morning I loaded up the car, I would go up straight after work, “I’ll sleep in the car in the lane” I thought to myself….

After a full day at the office I’m Lake District bound, the weather is appalling, it’s absolutely throwing it down!  As I neared Windermere around 9pm I was rethinking my stupidity of wanting to sleep in the car what if I need the loo, it’s not going to be warm and it’s sure as hell going to be wet. As if by magic as I approached Windermere the car took over my subconscious and steered me down into Windermere, I drove slowly past all of the B&B’s and hotels, nothing but ‘No Vacancy signs’, this is crackers I thought. Eventually I found a B&B with a vacancies sign up so rather than get drowned in the lashing rain I called the number on the sign, I was staggered to be quoted £120. Ladies and gentleman Dick Turpin is alive and well and living in Windermere! Sorry, but I’m not paying that for a B&B! I drove on past White Cross Bay and Julie’s field, the bottom gate was still wide open and in my head I said “I’ll be back soon hunny”. I drove into Ambleside I have to find a reasonably priced B&B here surely? Slowly I drove through the town to no avail, this is madness. One last opportunity or I really will be sleeping in the car. I pulled up outside the Best Western Salutation Hotel and called them.

Me: “Hi do you have a room for one available for tonight?”

Receptionist: “Let me check…. Yes I’ve got a twin room available and I can do that for you at £140”

I was so tempted to say “No, you cannot”  instead I asked if there was room to manoeuvre on the price as it was pushing ten o’clock at night, simply put if I don’t take the room tonight it’s lost revenue. The best I got was breakfast thrown in. Reluctantly I said I’d take the room, the receptionist realising the hour asked how far away was I? “Ooooh about twenty feet” she laughed and said “White Car? Oh yes I can see you now". One of her colleagues came out and showed me into the tightest parking space ever so parked up me, my cases and most importantly Winston came in with me. I must look a pillock checking into a hotel as a 60 year old clutching his teddy but you know what? I do not care.

I checked in headed to my top floor room that would reveal an amazing view and landscape in the morning and headed to the bar for a drink. My resolve was broken and I knew I wasn’t going to be getting up at 03.00. Returning to my bed I did my usual of crashing out with the TV still on, I’d got Winston in my arms..

It’s officially Friday 9^th of September and I hold Winston reflecting on a year ago, has it really been a year? So much has happened but then again so little has changed either….

I looked out of the mock sash windows, the view was stunning.  From its high position

above the road and two storeys up my room view was over the roof tops and to the hills beyond, some views are priceless, this one cost me £140…

The good thing was the rain had disappeared and the sky was getting brighter, it was like it had been ordered for me. I thought I’d grab my hearty breakfast, I couldn’t quite eat £140 worth of food but I did my best, I can miss lunch and dinner I thought.

Breakfast done and I loaded up the car and checked out, it was time to visit Julie.  Driving back towards Windermere the Low Wood bay Hotel is having what appears to 

Poor Cats hahaha

be an extra access road built and it’s resulted in temporary traffic lights as the road is being dug up too. As I approached the road works I laughed at this sign, I’ll have to go back later and grab a picture I thought. Foxy would have giggled at this.

I turned up Holbeck Lane glancing through the open gate as I did, it looks lush. I got to my usual parking spot, near the sawn off tree trunk, I think this is my first visit on a weekday and I cannot believe the volume of traffic, at one point two huge tractors and trailers were filling the road there were taxis I assume heading to and from the hotel just up the hill, eventually the gridlock eased and it was just me and Foxy. First I wandered to the field gate, this time it was firmly locked. The area was soaked so today I just gazed into the field, as  I leant on the gate I said “a year ago today hunny you left me, you slipped away from us all, it’s so not fair, so not fair, I’ll never forget you and I’ll never abandon you but I’m struggling with visiting on all of the anniversaries, it’s so painful” I went on to

explain “Hunny, it’s so sad but you and your dad will be together again soon, he’s got days to live, he misses you so much too, I feel he gave up when he lost you and his cancer is about to beat him hunny, no one wants to see or hear of someone dying but I know he won’t find peace until you’re reunited” by now my tears are running down my cheeks. I sat on the sawn off tree trunk clutching Winston just taking in this amazing landscape and recalling the last year, moving on just isn’t easy.  Its Winston’s second visit, of course he was here the day we scattered Julie’s ashes too.  I started to take a few pictures and I sat him on the tree trunk to free up my hands, it was crazy but it looked like he was having a moment of solace and reflection as he gazed out over the field and on to Windermere and beyond. It’s crazy, it’s a teddy bear, admittedly a very special bear but how can this scene bring out so much emotion?

These visits are emotionally draining and for now I’m drained, I need to go and check into the caravan. I lugged all my gear in and sat on the sofa in the lounge, I went from sitting to lying to sleeping in minutes.

I woke late afternoon, I shook myself into action before driving down to Windermere for a late lunch/early tea. A short drive up to Booth’s Supermarket and I bought some bare essentials to eat & drink.

Back to the caravan to chill for the evening, I’m still struggling with going out for a drink on my own or for a meal on my own, I feel awkward as ‘billy no mates’… 

Saturday I woke up and thought I’d drive out and around to Chester’s on The River again, but first I dropped into the garden centre in Ambleside, if you’re new to the area it’s well worth a wander around, I bought a fuschia, I had plans for the hole in the middle of the tree trunk by Foxy’s resting place. Next stop was Chester’s,  I so love the tranquillity of the running water here dancing over the so smooth stones, years of water running over sharp rocks that gradually lose their sharp edges, nature is a wonderful thing.

 I thought I’d drive back into Windermere but ‘the scenic route’ that makes me smile, every route around here is scenic but I’m going to drive past Beatrix Potter’s Cottage

and then take the ferry over the lake. I drove down past another of the Lake District’s lakes, not huge but so pretty is Esthwaite Water, I pulled into the carpark and took in the views, the tranquillity just hits you. This is a fishery too so I wandered over to the fishery shop just to check it out walking past a mooring with some rowing boats. I hadn’t realised that you could hire the boats and also you can hire fishing tackle and buy bait. I’ve not fished in years, I spoke with the gentleman in charge and he explained all of the options, to hire a boat with an outboard motor and all of the tackle and licences thrown in £43 for the day. I quickly checked the weather forecast for the next day and with no sign of rain so I booked for tomorrow & so  Sunday I’m going fishing, a new experience for I’ve never fished off a boat inland before.

The weather was gorgeous as I headed through Near Sawrey, the ‘home’ of Beatrix Potter’s cottage, you could easily believe you’d found a lush green part of Asia for Beatrix Potter is revered by the Japanese and it’s almost a pilgrimage to visit Near Sawrey. It’s just three miles then to the ferry. Things have changed since my last visit/journey for you always paid on the boat, now you have to buy a ticket from a machine before you board.

I enjoy this oh so short trip as you glide across the lake before hitting the tarmac and 

The Ferry

driving off, Windermere is heaving as ever especially by the cruisers, Julie just loved it around here. It’s still a beautiful day but that was soon going to change. I got back to the caravan and you could feel a change in the air, as I sprawled out on the sofa TV on suddenly the heavens opened, it absolutely hammered it down and there was no stopping it.

Call me ‘lucky’ (not), for I decided I’d go to the cinema in Ambleside this evening, also I needed to eat. I showered and changed and headed through the caravan door and quickly stopped on the top step, before me was a mini flood and the front of the car was in it! With a bit of gymnastics I managed to keep my feet dry, bizarrely it was just my caravan that had attracted the mini flood, it was just the lie of the land. Again I drove down past Julie’s field into a very wet looking Ambleside, eventually I found a parking spot, grabbed my brolly and wandered down to Zeffirelli’s to see what time the Matt Damon Bourne movie.  It turned out it was on at their ‘In the park’ Cinema which is just down the road but for me in this lousy weather it’s just that bit too far. I thought I’d walk down to the Chinese restaurant that we all went to the night of scattering Julie’s ashes, my luck continued! Closed! I could see inside that workmen were laying tiles on the floor. Next door was a burger bar so drowned rat like I wandered into there. With not many tables occupied I had a choice and one was close to a mock open fire on the wall, at least I’d be warm and dry. The meal was ok but in all honesty I won’t rush back.

Returning to my car the rain had stopped at last! I drove out of town back past my new favourite road sign and then up Holbeck lane, it was pitch black, the joy of the lakes is the absence of mass street lights. The benefit is the night sky when not covered in clouds is stunning. Tonight the radio was off, the car lights and engine off too, just total silence with the occasional hum of the odd car passing the bottom of the field. I reached for the fuchsia plant and a bottle of mineral water. I tapped the plant out of its pot and ensuring there was sufficient support under the plant I pressed the roots covered in soil into the hole in the middle of the trunk. The Fuchsia is hardy and I’m certain it will thrive in its location and survive the winters. The rotted wood surrounding it is permanently damp so the plants roots can feed from that as well as the rain showers.

Having been here some time now my eyes have  adjusted to the dark and I can barely believe my eyes, down the field Is ‘The deer’, as in I’d like to think the same one I photographed a couple of weeks ago in the adjacent field! She was grazing, raising her head and looking around, I coughed and her head was up and she sprung up towards the wall out of sight, I was cursing myself but a couple of minutes later as I sat there reflecting she came back into view about forty feet away. It’s such a good feeling to think nature is so close and kind to Julie, she truly would have loved this evening were she alive and here with me. This really is the perfect spot. A car came up the lane and that was enough to spook the deer and for now she was gone. As the darkness returned I spoke to Foxy, how fantastic she has a deer to keep her company, how she now has her own fuchsia bush and how I hoped nobody would decide to take it home with them. I’m pleased to report a couple of weeks on dear friends Vince & Denise who have grabbed a break in the lakes have confirmed it’s still there and they’ve kindly sprinkled some wild meadow flower seeds into the field in the hope they’ll flower in the spring.

Sunday and the sun is out it’s like yesterday’s rain had never happened; the mini flood/lake outside the caravan was gone.  The weather looks perfect for my fishing

adventure. Filling my rucksack with my day’s supplies and camera I set off for Elsthwaite Water. I quickly paid for the boat tackle rod licence and for some bait and I’m soon casting off. The view is stunning, the tranquillity is beyond words. As I steered the boat down the lake the views were simply awesome. Somehow the view is different from the water than from the shore. I was amazed by the strength of the wind though I barely noticed it, it was more like a gentle breeze, I only noticed it for with the outboard motor turned off I was amazed how far the boat had drifted. Well five hours later I hadn’t caught anything except a lot of photographs but I felt so relaxed afterwards it was serene.

Another drive and ferry trip across Lake Windermere I thought I’d travel up to Julie’s field again to see if the Fuchsia was still there and I wanted to see it in daylight. The

view was stunning as the sun shone down… I said my goodbyes and I gently sobbed as I explained I need to break this cycle of anniversary visits, “I promise I won’t ever forget or desert you hunny but for my own sanity I need to cut down on my visits”.. It’s the heart-breaking reality of needing to move on; I truly don’t know when I will return…

 

 

 

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Robert (Bob) Suddaby who sadly lost his battle with cancer on Saturday 17th September 2016, finally reunited with his loving daughter.... R.I.P.

 

 

  

 

Talking To The Moon

 

Following on from the last blog, as it’s warts and all I am still fighting the loneliness, I know the solution lies in moving on and that can only happen once the house is sold and I move, it looks like that’s going to be a long haul now as the supposed buyer has gone ‘elusive’.

 I’ve not seriously looked to 'date' since January, there is no point in looking for romance locally, the women who could keep me local are just a pipe dream to me that will never happen and so having set my mind up to move I also took down my profiles off the major dating sites for I need to find the next woman of my dreams (if she even exists) nearer my supposed new apartment, there is someone I have feelings for but at this point we are just friends, no not ‘friends with benefits’, purely friends, who knows In the future I may be sharing details of this wonder lady but for now this is far off and below is the reality of my life after Foxy…

A bank holiday weekend beckons and I am not spending the weekend in the house, no way, it’s not happening. All week I’ve been looking for hotels in the lake district but it’s a bit like Bethlehem must have been on that famous biblical night as in “there’s no room at the Inn” or stable if it comes to it! The few that were available were priced ridiculously at over £150 - £300 a night. Friday I started searching for cottages but this would mean a three night stay instead of just the two I wanted. Cottages are scarce too! The Lake District around Windermere is an inland resort and it’s clearly going to be busy this weekend.

Finally, I stumbled upon a reasonably priced one bedroomed apartment; I’ve used ‘Heart of The Lakes’ for a cottage before and the friendly team took my booking over the phone. I could relax now for my weekend is sorted. It would have been nice to go somewhere else but in the absence of that the comfort of the lakes and ‘visiting Julie’ was drawing me even though I’ll be back within two weeks as the first anniversary of losing Julie arrives, It’s scary, where has the time gone? It’s also bizarre in some aspects for when my father passed away the week after his cremation service my mother asked me to take her down to the crematorium where she had Dad’s ashes scattered in their garden of remembrance. I parked up and as she went to get out of the car she was inferring I go with her, I had no desire to, I explained I didn’t need to come here to visit Dad’s ashes to remember him and I waited in the car for her. I think of my Dad daily, always have but I’ve never had the urge to revisit the crematorium yet I struggled over not going to ‘see Julie’ on my 60^th Birthday, as you’ll know I’ve been for every other anniversary and currently I feel I cannot just ‘abandon her’ to the occasional visit yet but whilst there, it is heart breaking. I know IF I ever get into another relationship then I am going to have to distance myself, future potential dates need to know that I am not forever  living in the past.

Within twenty minutes of booking my Ambleside Apartment I received a text message off my dear friend Vince inviting me up to County Durham for the weekend, with the apartment paid for in full I cannot change my plans now so I’m scheduled for a visit to them this coming weekend, the weekend after I am back in the Lake District….

Today (Friday) as I’d not anticipated getting away for the weekend I hadn’t packed my case and my stay in the lakes was from Saturday night for three nights anyway so it’s back to Shute Manor this evening, I really dislike the place now.

Saturday 27^th August and I’m Lake District bound, today it’s a leisurely drive and the weather is gorgeous. I arrived around noon, I drove past Julie’s resting place, the bottom gate was open and it looked like it had been mowed, “Interesting” I thought. Once settled in I’ll be heading back to the top of the hill and field, meanwhile I collected my apartment key and drove into a very busy Ambleside. I’d read the directions and set off the mile down the road. Ambleside is pretty much a one way system town  and the road my apartment was in was quite literally fifty yards from the town centre yet on pulling up the tranquillity and the view struck me, it seems I’ve found the best of both worlds.

The apartment is ‘compact’, it’s well equipped but slightly smaller than the first apartment I went to view myself recently but it’s ample for this weekend.

Settled in I drove back to Julie’s resting place, the field had been mown however the area where Julie’s ashes are scattered remains untouched still covered in nettles and thistles, spooky… After a couple of minutes of taking in the view, Lake Windermere in front of me, Wray Castle peeping over the treeline, I strolled the few feet to the field gate and leant on it again to take in the gorgeous view. The gate just opened, someone has been through it since my last visit for I’m fastidious in checking the gate is securely locked. There is no flattening of the thistles that continue to dominate and protect the area though. There is the ‘path’ that I’ve previously trodden so I wandered in closing the gate behind me; I am a creature of countryside habits.

With autumn approaching most of the beautiful flowers in the area have disappeared, the plant’s pollen long gone, taken by the honey bees that visit, the thistle heads are

the few longer lasting flowers, their purple heads a perfect contrast to the surrounding greenery, there are still a lot of bees about, I saw numerous wasps too, they should be dying off soon and that’s when they’re at their most dangerous as they become ‘dopey’.  I saw a spider building a giant web between some of the thistles, thinking Julie would have ran a mile, she hated spiders, I mean hated. A butterfly flew over and I watched its bright colours zig zag across the sky as it headed towards a distant tree, this is so tranquil and perfect a spot.

I started to update Julie on all of the news, yes I talk out loud in a soft voice, the tears flow as always, I told her about the apartment, “If you’re here, come back with me” I said between my sobs, It’s irrational I know, but this is grief, I apologised for not being here for my birthday, I explained about spending it with Casper in Rotterdam, I explained about my kind work colleagues. An hour had passed and I said my goodbyes, I explained I’d be back before I leave on Tuesday.

I drove into Windermere, first I went to Lakeland, a small family business that has expanded into a huge UK retailer with a beautiful modern head office and retail unit. On our last visit here with Vince & Denise we dined here before we went on to our hotel. Julie loved Lakeland, I needed to get some more shiny floor stuff for the house/my cleaner, how I ended up spending £40 on ‘stuff’ I’ll never know but when I sent a picture to Berna (my cleaner), she was ecstatic, like Julie it seems she is easily pleased, who gets excited over cleaning stuff? Not I!

Next stop was to Booths supermarket to buy enough fresh food to see me through the ‘weekend’, I enjoy dining out but with company, I feel the eyes of the world are upon me if I dine out alone, I can imagine the comments “look at Billy No Mates there”, not knowing my personal circumstances. With no one to focus attention on if I dine alone I also people watch and invariably seeing so many couples about holding hands just adds to my agony. I’m in no man’s land still, I’ve no desire to throw myself fully into trying to start a new relationship but I ‘need’ friendship and companionship, alone I have too much time to think and dwell on my past and on my current loneliness and unhappiness. I’ve wined and dined several women but no one is offering a glimpse of encouragement, too often I’ve heard the words “you're lovely & you’ll find somebody Andy” but that’s fairly blunt code for “but It won’t be me Andy” good enough for dinner but not to consider exploring if there is a long term chemistry.

Back to the apartment and I load the refrigerator, I’ve bought three bottles of wine; don’t worry I’ve not turned into an Alcoholic but I cannot remember the last time I was drunk, I know it’s the ‘done thing’ these days for the younger generation to down a bottle of vodka before they go out to party and drink even more but for once I actually feel like I want to drink to excess! I’m in the town centre I can walk and I can sleep off the after effects the next morning, after all I’ve only myself to worry about. I can hear the concern already upon you reading this, for your assurance three days on and my alcohol consumption for the weekend was a single bottle of beer and two glasses of wine, some drinker me uh? When I came face to face with it the mood had passed me over.

I wandered back into town and Zeffirellis Cinema also a bistro and coffee shop is literally 50 yards from my front door. I sat outside enjoying the sun and a coffee. The view across the roof tops is beautiful, the views on the pavement walking by make me feel old and unloved again, watching others strolling along hand in hand, how can something so normal be so upsetting? I don’t know either.

I purchased enough food to enable me to have breakfast and dinner ‘at home’, many of you won’t know that I am a fully qualified chef though I’ve not worked in the catering trade for almost a lifetime so yes I can cook and fend for myself, I’m conscious the number of times I’ve discussed dining out could lead you to think that’s all I do, despite my portly waistline I do cook myself. This weekend I’m going low maintenance as in Bacon or Sausage sandwiches for Breakfast and some freshly made beef & caramelised onion burgers for one of the nights, lord knows what I’ll do on the other two..

 

 

Sunday I drove into Grasmere, the village where Julie and I stayed on our last ever Lake District journey together when we went up with Vince & Denise for the weekend. The weather is much improved and the place is a lot busier than previous visits. Despite there being ‘no room at the Inn’ the lakes are so spacious that nowhere really gets overcrowded. I called in at a small café in the village centre, a portion of nachos and a coffee followed by a trip down my childhood 'memory lane' by buying a raspberry ripple ice cream from the ice cream parlour next door. I drove north to an area I hadn’t visited before and drove around Thirlmere which sits in the shadow of one of the lake’s most beautiful peaks Helvellyn, I’m sure had Julie remained fit and well we would have continued to visit the lakes and she would have continued to push my fitness levels by climbing ever increasing in size peaks, for sure I’d know it was for health reasons not for the insurance money Heehee.

Thirlmere is beautiful and the road around it reminded me of when Julie and I visited Kentallen in Scotland for a romantic New Year’s Eve away and we drove along the west shore of Loch Linnhe. Such fond memories of standing behind Julie cuddling her on our loch view balcony as the hotel staff set off fireworks, the evening was freezing, she was wrapped up in her faux fur vintage coat, her cheeks were so cold but she wanted to see the fireworks. The Holly Tree hotel was beautiful but much as Julie loved being spoilt with luxuries she’d never been able to have before it was the simplest things in life that truly made her happy such as being held and told how much she was loved as the fireworks lit up the night sky. Thirlmere she would have loved.

I headed home to the sanctuary of the apartment, put the TV on and that was me for the evening, there’s no life and soul of the party these days…

Monday morning and I cooked more bacon and sat there on the couch looking at the sunshine through the patio door windows but absolutely no motivation to move my backside, I’m in an ‘I feel sorry for me mood’, It gets to one p.m. and there are only so many episodes of NCIS that I can take and I finally kick myself into gear, I showered and dressed and headed out into the sunshine instantly thinking “Why the hell have you wasted the morning?”, this is how the grief is impacting on me, as beautiful as it is, with no one to share it with it’s not worth the bother.

I drove out to Skelwith Bridge, the first time I brought Julie to the lakes I had booked as a surprise, a secluded log cabin here, again I can see the happiness on her face as we entered the cabin and she put her arms around my neck and kissed me, “I love you Mr Shute” ….

 

 

Just down the road was Chester’s on the River, laid back from the main road a narrow drive way that had the most beautiful shallow river and rapids run along side it and although gentle on the

sides in the middle it gushes down under the road bridge. Today it was warm and sunny but unlike earlier in the year when I brought Vince & Denise here I didn’t have to wait for a table, on the decked patio was a table for two or in this case for one… I ordered a coffee and basked in the sun, from nowhere the tears just rolled down my cheeks from behind my sun glasses, it’s stupid, just stupid. Thankfully either no one noticed or they weren’t going to ask if I was ok.. my head was slightly tilted and the tear from my right eye trickled down over my cheek onto my neck, discreetly I wiped it away. Finishing my coffee I strolled down to the water’s edge and sat at a stone bench and table thinking “Foxy, you’d have loved this today”

In the early evening I drove into Windermere and spotted an empty parking space next to The Lighthouse, one of Julie’s and my favourite dining haunts. I only had a

beer and a bowl full of nachos (again) as the sun began to drop and my seat fell into shade It was time to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 I wanted to see Julie’s resting place as the sun set, all other visits have been earlier in

the day. I drove up Holbeck lane and parked up, I opened the passenger door and listened to the music as the sun began to set, there are no words tonight, I rested on the tree stump and took photos galore. As I snapped away a Bruno Mars track came on and I’d never given it any significance before, Julie and I saw ‘the man himself’ in Manchester. The words just burnt into my head and yes the tears instantly began to fall, to stream actually… The tune? The lyrics?