Time To Say Goodbye

Monday 28^th September 2015, without doubt this is going to be the toughest day of my life, mine and many others, including Emma, Aaron & Julie’s Dad Bob, that’s not to say its exclusive to us, I often wonder of the impact on George, Julie’s first husband for example, Julie and George always remained friends, we pretty much saw him and his family every visit and he brought Bob over to see Julie in her last weeks too, whatever the differences and the time gap these must be hard times too. I’m not going to turn this into a list or league table of whose grief is greater than someone else’s the reality is Julie was loved by so many, her death has impacted on so many and saying goodbye today is going to hurt for a lot.

I’ll add a slight warning on content at this stage, I’ve no desire to offend but as the blog is a realistic representation of the day and I tend to include pictures for most blogs, today’s will be no exception. I’m including an image of a casket very similar to Julie’s; it is from a supplier’s site (Yes although I didn’t you can buy almost anything on the net including caskets). There is also a poignant photograph taken by someone outside the crematorium after the funeral, again I think it is tasteful and worthy of inclusion but read on in the knowledge that today’s blog is no ordinary blog…

Julie’s Funeral is scheduled for 1.40pm at Grimsby Crematorium, I am up early taking in the magnitude of the day ahead of me given I’ve no speech/sermon/eulogy, I need to make this work, I’ve chatted through in my head as I shower and dress to get an idea on the time line. There is forty minutes from the time Julie enters the Crematorium until the last person leaves, I’m working on up to ten minutes to get people in and settled twenty minutes for the service and ten minutes for us to exit.

I still had things to do to ensure the day went to plan so I called Jen’s room and asked if she was ready to go down to Breakfast and five minutes later we were downstairs, I asked the receptionist to let me know when the twenty red roses had been delivered but to keep them somewhere cool, I also asked if I could extend our checkout times for I didn’t want to suit up yet, knowing me I’d end up wearing my breakfast. Julie has requested everyone come brightly clothed as if to party yet I was wearing a suit, a light coloured one admittedly but still a suit. The reason? Well Julie’s favourite film of all time was ‘Pretty Woman’ she often made the reference to feeling special if I turned up in the early days to meet her straight from work 'suited up' or If I arranged to meet her anytime at a train station if say we were going down to Maureen’s, rather than me driving home from Bolton then down to Birmingham it was easier to get Julie to get a train to Stoke, Stafford or Crewe and for me to pick her up on the way, I’d be on the platform suited up, and it made her feel so special, past boyfriends had never had reason to wear a suit except maybe a wedding or a funeral, so she felt special, ‘My Pretty Woman’….

I had printed out the order of service’s myself, they were more a token of remembering the day for with no hymns or prayers it comprised the songs Julie would arrive to, that we would reflect to mid service and what we would leave to. Julie had many musical loves including Alicia Keys, our wedding song was ‘Loving you’ by Alicia, we had seen her in concert three times, her music was always on in my car and I found three songs that said it all about Julie for me. The only real song Julie had suggested because she knew how special it was to us both was Take That’s ‘Rule the world’ On another of our gig outings in one show the build up to this song set the hairs on the backs of our heads on edge, the atmosphere was electric it was a special moment for us both, as she lay in her hospital bed at home one day it came on the TV and we both cried she certainly lit (light) up the sky up above me, when you read the lyrics below you can perhaps understand why it was one of ‘our songs’

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you

She asked did I want it as the music at her funeral, I didn’t know then and although so poignant and so relevant, when the time came for me to plan today I didn’t feel this was for a funeral, I’d played it at home and yes I sobbed, I don’t want to break down at Julie’s funeral, I need to keep my composure, I play Rule the world most days now and yes weeks on I still cry each day to it in the privacy of my car…

Back to the order of service, I’d added a picture of Julie one of my favourites from a new years eve in the lake district three years ago, she looked stunning and was on form that night, she knew when she looked good…

It mentioned the interlude and it mentioned Aaron reading Julie’s favourite poem, ‘Nooligan’ by Roger McGough. Aaron had second thoughts about reading the poem, in some ways I was glad he had, he had his family to look after and whilst I am sure he would have done a fantastic job this was tough to stand up under the circumstances of today.

So, a flavour of what was to come for you or rather maybe what wasn’t to come..

I had to take the orders of service to the Funeral Directors so they could deliver them to the crematorium in advance. It was also a chance for me to meet our Funeral Director Andrew, we had spoken on Friday just to run through everything, we had a ‘debate’ about any flowers that arrived, his view was they could not refuse deliveries despite my specific instructions to the team previously, I told him that I would see him on the Monday and had anyone gone against my wishes or was trying to circumvent them as he couldn’t comply with my wishes I told him I would take ownership of any on my arrival upon meeting him and I’d bin them myself. I told him I would hold up the funeral too if they arrived with any, I wasn’t joking in this regard, I truly felt very strongly on this subject. To assure no one sent flowers…

So although Julie would be leaving from Cleethorpes I had to meet the team at their Grimsby Office, Cleethorpes is a satellite site, Cleethorpes is tiny versus Grimsby. I arrived at the offices and was greeted by Sue who I’d previously met and made the arrangements with and then met with Andrew, this was a great ice breaker for me and it meant I knew who I would be looking for at the Crematorium. We chatted through and he wanted confirmation that no one would be following Julie on her final journey from Cleethorpes to the Crematorium. It’s only a couple of miles and I wasn’t bothering with ‘official limousines’, the price of these is scary and for basically a short journey not value for money or necessary given the size of the town, Limousines may have been fine when car ownership was a scarcity but nowadays almost everyone has a car.. There was another reason; I’d arranged something very special for Julie’s final journey, her final entrance and exit. Julie somehow seemed to make a statement when she walked into a room on a night out, she knew how to dress and she had some beautiful designer dresses, she had class and she turned heads I’m proud to say, she loved the attention and today well I hope she was looking down as she witnessed her own arrival, she would have been so proud..

So all the formalities completed as Emma, Bob, the twins and Olivia lived just two minutes away I called Emma and invited myself around for a coffee, I needed hugs off the family too, today was going to be tough on us all and well, although a slight understanding of the day and the twins were coming to the funeral Olivia wasn’t, she would join us afterwards at ‘the wake’.. Olivia is so affectionate to me as always and she wants to tell me everything, If I ever need a distraction in my life it is Olivia or as I call her ‘Ollipop’, the hug says it all really… We all chatted about everything and nothing it was just good to be with part of ‘my family’, All the children are going to be releasing pink balloons after the funeral with their own notes and pictures to send to grandma, Ollipop wants to know does grandma have a remote control to catch the balloons bless her…. Eventually I had to go back to the hotel and get changed, driving along I am still going through my words in my head, I had to get this right, I had to do Julie proud..

At the hotel the flowers have arrived, they look beautiful; I shot up to my room and changed then packed. I looked in the mirror, I knew Julie would be smiling as I met her on this journey..

There is a growing level of tension with everyone dressed up and the clock ticking, the butterflies were starting to take over my heartbeat. As a distraction I thought I’d take the cases out to my car and pack them, seems everyone saw this as the cue that we were leaving. It wasn’t too early so I just went with the flow, Casper, Annelies & Jen were in with me, the rest of the family organised themselves and followed us as we left the hotel, yes I had remembered the roses too, I gave them to Nigel to look after & hand out as the service ends.

The road into the crematorium is about half a mile long, it’s a dead-end ending in the crematorium car park and the crematorium entrance gates were just off that. I’d asked everyone to gather by the gates not at the crematorium, I had my reasons.

When we arrived the main car park was full, a combination of the mourners at the funeral in front and judging by the number of people Julie was getting some send off. We parked on the grassed overflow car park and I had barely walked two feet and was being greeted by friends, I walked over to Aaron & Vicky, both so composed. We hugged and chatted and as I hugged and chatted made my way halfway across the car park whilst chatting to Vince, Denise and their family, Karen suddenly looked at me and said “Horse & carriage?” I looked at her and said “Pardon?” in my head I was thinking how the hell did you know? I’d told no one but Nigel, I said “Yes, what made you say that?” she pointed up the long drive; two black horses were coming into view getting larger and more impressive with every trot. At this point at the crematorium gates, Mum was saying to Nigel, “I wonder what surprises he has in store for us” she was recalling my conversation of the night before and I think dreading what I was going to do or say today.. Nigel said “Here’s your first surprise Mother” as he pointed up the road towards the ever nearing horses. The buzz was incredible as the horses and glass carriage loomed closer towards us, the lady was making her final entrance in a style most befitting, I walked towards the road to greet Julie, the horses were magnificent, huge but class, purple plumes of feathers on their heads and drapes coloured purple too, Julie’s favourite colour by coincidence. As the coachmen stopped the horses the sight although sad and emotional was incredible, her wicker casket that I’d had fresh ivy woven into the side this morning and topped with the lillies Julie’s dad had wanted looked so stately. No one would forget this final arrival, the lady had turned heads again, I felt so proud at the magnificence of the occasion for my darling wife and that I had kept it a secret.

 

I spoke with Andrew the funeral Director in all of his formal wear, I asked Nigel to pass me one of the Roses and handed it to Andrew. He asked could I retain it until the horses pulled up outside of the crematorium itself. The weather up until now had been overcast but as if on cue too the sun came out.. We briefly chatted and then I led the mourners in behind the magnificent carriage, Julie’s last few yards I would be with her and we would accompany her the fifty yards into the grounds. Some people were waiting at the crematorium entrance, they’d missed the grand entrance down the drive but they had a prime position to see the majestic horses and the carriage, the comments were simply ‘Wow’…. A slight delay for the funeral in front of us was still in progress, Andrew’s team had to prepare to remove Julie’s casket from the glass carriage. I gave Andrew the red rose to place upon the casket. Andrew also needed to introduce me to the crematorium staff for as I was taking the service I needed to be shown which buttons to press and when and which buttons not to press for the music, for the curtains…

Not everyone here today knew me and many had no idea I was taking the service either so there was a bit of a buzz too as people wondered what was going on. The crematorium Manager came out to me and Andrew, we shook hands and went through to the lectern area and I was briefed… On walking back out we needed to get the formalities underway and as the team raised Julie’s magnificent but simple casket to their shoulders Andrew asked me to lead the casket and mourners in, I grabbed my mother’s hand she was looking almost forlorn, I couldn’t see Nigel around and I needed some moral support too so we walked in ahead, I checked she was ok and sat her in the front row I invited Julie’s dad to sit next to Maureen, Emma and Bob and the twins sat front row too just in front of me. As the other mourners came in the first Alicia Keys ‘Not Even The King’ played right through and the team set it off again. Have a listen to the words if you get chance, it typifies the love Julie and I had for each other, a love gold or jewellery or a crown could not buy…..

I took this opportunity to look over at Julie’s casket, I’m imagining per her words that

Catalogue image

she’s standing beside me, I so hope she can see all of this; in my head I’m saying” you’d have loved this hunny, it’s your day lady” …the freshly woven ivy around the casket, the material, it was all very rustic and it seemed to soften the harshness of the day. I was clueless to how many would be here today, I knew people had travelled far and wide, Taiwan, Netherlands, Scotland, Warwickshire, Derbyshire, County Durham, Cheshire, Lancashire from the south of England and from Merseyside, I’m guessing there were around 130 people here to help celebrate Julie’s life for that’s what she wanted, a celebration, not for people to mourn and upset themselves though inevitably tears would be falling today.

The brightness of the clothes was a magnificent sign of respect, Xena, June and Letty were in their 50’s style dresses that Julie so loved and in fact she was wearing one of her own Vivian of Holloway vintage style dresses today and yes, she had her glasses with her…

 

I stood facing the never ending line of friends & family arriving, so many the Crematorium Management set 'Not Even The King' to play through a second time..
As the doors closed and everyone was seated I was ready, well as ready as I was ever going to be, I’d got two more ‘surprises to deliver’. I welcomed everyone, this was the part I’d been dreading how to start this off but it just flowed. Starting with “Well I’m sure you‘ll agree that was some entrance”… I then introduced myself and explained why I was taking the service, Julie did not want a religious service and my experience of humanist funerals left me feeling Julie deserved better than that..The bottom line was everyone in the room knew something about Julie but no one knew ‘everything about Julie’ like I did though even in the last week she had surprised me twice, one was the depth of the words she had written for me in my journal they didn’t mean a lot to me when she gave me the journal a year earlier, but I’m sure you’ll agree they were so poignant and so right for this time, she had clearly thought the future out. The other surprise although for me lovely it will remain between Julie and myself until and beyond the day I die…..

So intro’s done, explanation given I quickly asked everyone to check their phones were off, the only phone left on was to be mine and that was because I’d set a twenty minute timer to ensure I paced my words and that I finished on time, staring at a clock that says twenty minutes and you haven’t anything written down will seem like an age to fill. I’d started it as soon as I got to the lectern.

Well here we go and the first surprise, I am still inwardly annoyed at those who failed to heed or take the opportunity to visit Julie including some who had promised to come and see her next week and of course the next week became next week and in the end they missed their opportunity. I wasn’t going to major in on this but it was going to be said… I thanked everyone for coming and welcomed them, I thanked them for dressing brightly per Julie’s wishes. There were few gaps so I moved on to say what a fantastic turnout it was for Julie but followed it by adding “Forgive me for seeing the irony in so many of you coming to say goodbye and to stare at Julie’s casket when the reality is she wanted to see you when she was alive”.. I didn’t dwell on it but could imagine Maureen thinking “he wouldn’t let it go”, I suspect several others thought the same….. I finished with “you’re all most welcome and please join us for the celebration & food after”

I moved straight on to talk about how important the 17^th July 1961 was, the day Julie entered this world, I explained how Julie’s family was made up and I made light of some of the fun her brothers had at her expense as children and how they ‘exploited’ the fact she was the only girl, I went on to explain as soon as old enough and the lads started dating they wanted crisply ironed shirts to impress & that Julie exploited them by charging by the shirt. I explained how Phil her eldest brother started to sneak her out to the pub before she was legal to drink, I joked, you’ll be in trouble with your Dad later Phil… I also explained that Julie and her family had lived in half of a building called Stallingborough Manor, and that she was almost ‘to the manor born’, I think that’s why our house became named ‘Shute Manor’.

I went on to explain how Julie discovered boys and that included first husband George who was here today with other family members, I explained about her first marriage being on her 21^st Birthday and she did her own catering, how the marriage brought two amazing children into the world Emma then Aaron and that they in turn had delivered us six grandchildren, “We have six grandchildren” I proclaimed realising my now error I corrected myself, “I now have six grandchildren”, I looked down and amazingly the clock was counting down like mad, it was time for a period of reflection as Alicia Key’s instrumental piece ‘De Novo Adagio’ played, after I pressed the right button on the lectern.

As the song ended I explained I would now be reading the poem, Julie’s favourite poem because it made her smile. There was also an irony here, Roger McGough also Paul McCartney’s cousin was from our peninsula, The Wirral Peninsula.. Little did she know thirteen years ago she would be living in close proximity to her favourite poet..

Nooligan by Roger McGough

I’m a nooligan
dont give a toss
in our class
I’m the boss
(well, one of them)

I’m a nooligan
got a nard ‘ead
step out of line
and youre dead
(well, bleedin)

I’m a nooligan
I spray me name
all over town
footballs me game
(well, watchin)

I’m a nooligan
violence is fun
gonna be a nassassin
or a hired gun
(well, a soldier)

 

I glanced at the timer counting down, the last surprise of the day was I explained Julies final months had been spent with Maureen and others during the day and by me overnight but one ‘person’ was ever present day and night, Winston, her seizure warning teddy bear, her ‘secret holding’ teddy bear. I’d sneaked him in unnoticed, he would be with her to the end but he was coming home with me, one of his cousins would accompany Julie on the final stage of today…. How can a fluffy toy hold so much emotion, the little bugger almost had me crying as I introduced him..

I finished off by explaining how strong, determined and inspirational Julie was and how much of a fight she put up and also how she captured so many people’s hearts and the special friendships she forged with people, I highlighted how she bonded with Gogglebox’s Eve and with Hannah, her partner in crime on ward 26, Hannah was here today……..

I glanced at my timer, just seconds to go, I over ran by eight seconds as I explained it was time for us to say goodbye but there would be no closing of the curtains around the casket, at so many funerals this just causes so much distress, we would file past Julie as the final piece of music started, Alicia Keys ‘That’s when I knew’, it’s a fantastic piece tone wise and it explains the moment you knew you’d fallen in love… I can remember that moment with Julie… I suspect many people will recall the moments they first fell in love..

I took a rose from Nigel and the main family members followed suit. I said my final final goodbye to my soul mate, to the love of my life, to the most amazing woman I’ve ever known or I suspect will ever know.. I stepped away and watched as everyone stopped to admire her casket and to say their goodbyes, I saw and heard Emma breakdown I could feel her pain, I saw Aaron move his lips to the casket to kiss his mum goodbye, he lingered or seemed to for an age, he didn’t cry, Aaron is quite ‘deep and thoughtful’ this wasn’t about tears it was about saying “goodbye Mum”. Julie’s dad bless him, he’s understandably heartbroken, his little girl gone…..It was all so emotional and touching; as people filed by we shook hands and hugged, some lovely comments made about the service and the carriage and the casket…

I’m pleased to report that we were clear of the crematorium in ample time. From my perspective it had all gone to plan. As we exited and gathered in the garden of remembrance where Andrew had set up the collection for Clatterbridge, he’d also explained earlier the horses and carriage would be in the garden too for around thirty minutes after the service. They looked magnificent; I went over and thanked the team and the horses for making Julie’s final journey so special. One of the team handed me a worn horseshoe, it will stay with me forever now.. I walked back over to Mum and Bob, Andrew had brought out Julie’s flowers and they were looking at the lillies. Bob was pleased. Maureen hugged me and said “Well you did it, I thought you were going to bottle it”.. I called her a cheeky sod and she should have more faith but it was a close call……

It was time to move on to ‘The Wake’….

 

Julie Shute 17th July 1961 - 9th September 2015

 

 

 

 

Coping....

 

 

Still in No Man’s Land, Julie it has been confirmed is resting in Cleethorpes in the care of the funeral home team, I’ve returned to work much to the surprise of a lot of people, to me it’s one of many coping mechanisms, what is the alternative, stay at home feeling sorry for myself? That’s not my style though at times yes I feel very sorry for myself.

It’s a strange reception at work, my bosses are being kind, the colleagues I sit with are being chatty and supportive but I also feel many are ‘avoiding me’ not really sure what to say or do, I’ve seen the odd one ‘body swerve me’ suddenly remembering they had to walk in a different direction. By the end of the day I decided to send out a general email to colleagues saying I understood how difficult it was for many of them but, I wasn’t likely to burst in to tears if we spoke and that it was ok to treat me as normal and lol if normal was to ignore me then carry on as usual.

The Clatterbridge Cancer Charity team have been incredibly supportive, some slight bad news was that Louise who had been the enthusiastic catalyst to my fundraising efforts broke the news that she was leaving, a sad day but, a) we will always be friends now and b) my support for ‘CCC’ remains solid. I’d received a call from another dear friend there, Karen, she’s one of the many disappointed that they won’t be able to attend Julie’s funeral but she tells me she will grab a period of reflection around the time of Julie’s funeral. At the same time and an (unnecessary) apology for the poor timing but the charity wanted to start its next focussed fund raising campaign. “Andy, we know this is bad timing but we want to record a video appeal to launch at our Annual Ball and we’d like you to spearhead the campaign by telling yours and Julie’s story about how you tried to sleep together during Julie’s final months, we want to raise funding to put reclining chairs next to every bed in the New Clatterbridge Hospital being built in Liverpool city centre, loved ones need to be able to be close to each other even if they cannot share a bed any longer”, without hesitation I just said “Let’s do it, of course I’ll do it”. The time line was tight, these things don’t ‘just happen’, and we agreed to do the filming at ‘Shute Manor’ just four days later.

This was a cause dear to my heart; I’d mentioned in jest to someone “Why aren’t there double hospital beds?” It was looked into and of course the dreaded phrase ‘Health & Safety’ reared its head and I can to a degree understand that for Julie had two syringe drivers in her thighs, she had a ‘line’ in her arm should she need anything into her or blood out of her urgently so yes there are risks but as the finished appeal explains Julie was so upset that we could no longer sleep together, she cried… I cried, we were very loving and tactile; we loved to just cuddle up anytime. It was bad for us, initially I was sleeping on a camping style airbed next to Julie on the floor, I was next to her and could respond to her instantly but I was a couple of feet below her on the floor, holding hands beyond a couple of seconds was impossible. In the end realising how big a deal this was and knowing we were running out of time I put three of our dining chairs in a row next to Julie’s bed and balanced the air bed on top of chair seats, although now an identical height as Julie the obvious issue was the airbed was substantially wider than the chair seats and this left me vulnerable to me and the airbed sliding onto the floor! Despite all of this, the uncomfortable nature of it, the riskiness of it, it had to happen, I needed Julie to still feel loved and I needed to be close to her. So many things we healthy people take for granted but imagine you’ve been married 40 or 50 years even and have slept together all of your life then one of you is told you are dying, you don’t have long to live and then realise despite sleeping together as a loving couple for all that time, knowing you are dying and now when you want to be close to each other circumstances dictate that you can’t be…. It’s a sobering thought I hope you agree… A reclining chair next to a bed isn’t quite the same but it’s as good as it can get for both long term comfort and for closeness, at least you can hold hands, I was all be it on my ‘temporary bed’ holding Julie’s hand as she slipped away, it’s upsetting but at least I knew and I hope she knew she wasn’t alone, these chairs WILL make a difference.

The next week I had a film crew in the house, cameraman, sound engineer, an interviewer and Christine from CCC who was spearheading the campaign.

It was tough making the film only from the raw emotion of it; Julie was still in Cleethorpes, her funeral is ‘next week’. This was a story that needed telling, to have the chance to do that with a professional film crew was an amazing opportunity, this blog helps people, ‘this film’ we want to do a similar job. Most of the time I was sat in one of our dining chairs being interviewed, you try to ignore the camera and the key is to chat away, I was so at ease and yes I am ‘fortunate’ that in my various jobs I have to present in front of people either sitting down or standing at a lectern, Julie as you know often referred to me as a silver tongued salesman often as I tried to wriggle out of a situation, I smile as I recall her laughing at me.. But at times like this it helps to be able to focus and deliver a clear message mainly without getting upset too, on that score though this was so incredibly ‘raw’ recalling and re-living these events did bring me to tears, typing this I’m crying, it’s tough. Interesting there is one point where I struggled to complete a sentence, we had agreed the best format to film under was to keep the camera rolling, only once it got too much and the famous movie phrase “CUT” was called so I could compose myself. For the piece that took me four attempts we kept rolling, I’d seen Chris behind the team wiping tears away, I saw the rest of the team crying too.. God damn it this was emotional stuff, we are all adults but this story was so tough, so real, so meaningful. As we reached the end of this section to move to another scene I was asked “Are you OK to carry on Andy?” I was fine, but I added “Whatever you use or don’t use, that last piece must be in the film, if nothing else opens wallets, this will”. There is no doubt we had created something special here in my view. The filming was done by ‘Mocha’ a Liverpool based company headed by Directors Phil Halpen & Owen Cotterell, Owen ‘interviewed me’ on the day, I knew they would make an amazing job of our story, more to come on this.

I mentioned in the last blog that I didn’t see the need for people to be at the funeral of a loved one and I was amazed to hear my brother Nigel & his wife Nunu were going to close their bar & restaurant in Taiwan for two whole weeks and travel half way around the world to be here for Julie’s funeral, I told Nigel not to come but he was having none of this, they were coming…

Getting to see anyone was difficult right now, I am back at work, with less than six months of the company holiday year gone and I’ve exhausted my annual holidays caring for Julie, my company have been generous with some compassionate leave too but I’ve ‘burnt up five weeks holidays’ looking after Julie, I’m not sure how or what or whose responsibility if anyone’s this should be but surely it cannot be right… a woman can get pregnant and be paid (by law)  to be off work to bring up a child that in the main was a personal choice yet neither Julie nor I chose for her to become terminally ill and needing me by her side yet in the main I funded all this through my own ‘paid holiday leave’.. It seems so wrong somehow.. Worse still its Mid-October & I have no holiday leave until April 1^st 2016 and whilst I have no desire to party I surely ‘deserve some R&R time’ after the last two years+. Last year Julie and I got to Jersey for two working days and a weekend and that was it sun and holiday wise… Yep, I’m whining, this is wrong…

Anyway, back to Nigel & Nunu they were visiting Blackpool so I arranged to check into the same hotel as them for one of the nights as Blackpool is nearer my office than home is to the office. It was good to catch up with them albeit for just a few hours, I explained the plans for Monday’s Funeral and swore Nigel & Nunu to secrecy on one special point, we’d next meet Sunday afternoon for we are all booked into a hotel in Grimsby the day before the funeral, No risks are being taken, this will go to plan.

Saturday morning and our dear friends Casper & his partner Annelies flew in from Holland, Casper’s I think fifth visit to Shute Manor this year and Annelies’ second, Julie was special to both, from a chance meeting over breakfast after a convention in Lanzarote over ten years ago the strongest of friendships was forged and we had amazing times together be that in the Netherlands or Liverpool or when we did our log cabin trip to Aviemore, this is one special friendship despite our individual personal life ups and down of which the four of us had endured many our friendship was and remains as I type remains one of the strongest bonds.. If you haven’t found out already, as you go through life you will soon discover who are acquaintances, friends, or true friends who will drop anything immediately if you need them, it’s true friends that help you cope… I’m blessed I’ve got these two amazing people (Casper & Annelies), I’ve also got Vince, Denise & their whole family Andrew, Daniel & Karen plus their wives Louise, Rebecca & Karen’s husband Jamie ‘alongside me’, my brother Nigel & his wife Nunu, Maureen, my dearest Mother, amazing friends Gareth & Susan and I’ve got an incredible ‘soul mate’ in a special lady called Jeanette or as I call her ‘Jen’, she’ll be as embarrassed as hell by this but she deserves some special recognition, Jen I’ve known longer than Julie, I introduced them for Jen works at Barberanne’s  and on one of her early post op recovery visits Julie needed her fringe cutting.. These two along with the other girls at the hairdressers got on like a house on fire, Julie and Jen became close confidantes often doing lunch and Jen when Julie was fretting about her hair for the wedding she left me with no real choice but to beg Jen & her then husband to come to our Wedding, Jen jumped at the chance to make my bride to be feel special on the day.. The friendship went from strength to strength and when Jules was in hospital she went in and did her hair and the same at home she would come round, Jen’s own life whilst all this was going on has been up and down including her marriage breaking down plus she’s ‘there’ for another really close friend who too is extremely ill and she’s got two children too yet on top of all of this she found time each week for Jules and she checked up on me regularly, at times I think we’ve propped each other up for we can talk about anything, listen, advise and it goes no further ever.. Jen wanted to come to Julie’s funeral and I was relieved she wanted to be there, she has been ‘a rock’ for me at times, I can never repay what this amazing woman has done for me, all I know is her partner is one very very lucky man… To you all I say “Thank you”, truthfully the last year has been incredibly hard but made slightly easier because of amazing true friends. At this point I’ll add in Tara & Pete, Janice and Julie’s cousin Maria. There are others who if we are being honest were predominantly Julie’s friends (though some I considered ‘our friends’) who deserve recognition too, Xena, June (as in ‘scousebabe’), Joanne, Jackie, Collette, Jooie – Julie Salenius & I think were Julie writing this she would endorse her most dearest friend ‘Woon’ June Bartlett, her amazing Sister in Law and friend of over 35 years. June above everyone I have to say has supported mainly Julie but me too during some of Julie’s darkest times and illnesses….. If I’ve missed you off the list and you think you should have been singled out too I apologise and please let me know, I’ll do my best to correct my failing, trust me it’s not intentional… Three more recent and very special friends of us both Hannah, Eve & Corrinna.. Their support for me since losing Julie has played a major part in keeping me going… Similar can be said of ‘Team Clatterbridge’. In terms of coping, if people offer support don’t be afraid to accept it, I can tell you after losing your loved one you stare into one hell of an abyss, it’s a very lonely place…. I am though blessed..

Sunday afternoon and Casper, Annelies and I head round to Jen’s house to collect her for our coast to coast journey.

Its Julie’s funeral tomorrow, September 28^th 2015, I have desperately been trying to write the service, I knew what I wanted to say I just didn’t know how to start it, in the past I wrote my wedding speech and I learned it and often business presentations ‘Parrot fashion’, the difference it makes in terms of making an impression if you can speak naturally and passionately on a topic with no notes does bring you a degree of respect in the business world, for Julie’s funeral I just wanted to do her proud. All week I’d been trying to start writing down my speech but It would not start, the reason being was I had several things to potentially start with but which would come first. I knew too we were limited on time at the crematorium with the threat of an added surcharge for over running, I didn’t want to overrun, and it would be disrespectful to the next funeral family to do so.

We arrived at the hotel safely and met family, my cousin John had travelled from Belfast via London and then motor biked it up to Grimsby, I come from a large family the generation above me as in my Father’s generation, he was from a family of eight children, John’s Mum Patsy is my god mother and John’s late Father Davey was my god father as well as my Uncle and Aunt, with no disrespect to the rest of the family I always felt a strong affinity to Patsy, David and their children, my cousins, we have similar senses of humour and a very strong bond.. We still ‘call each other’ though and poor John had myself and Nigel to contend with, he can more than handle himself though. I hugged my Mum, tomorrow we both know it’s going to be tough. She knew I was taking the service “Are you ready for tomorrow?”. “As ready as I’ll ever be but I need to get my speech written, by the way there will be a few surprises tomorrow” I teased mum, she looked at me as if to say “please Andrew, please don’t” she knew better than to push me on it, I knew in the main she would approve of my surprises.

Someone mentioned dinner I’m not sure I want to be with a crowd of people tonight. Jen’s room was on the same floor as mine and I asked her would she mind if she and I just sneaked out un-noticed and I wined and dined her away from the crowd, she obliged me. We went just out of town to a restaurant I’d wined and dined Julie, it’s classy but also quiet enough that we would be able to chat comfortably, have to say it was just what I needed, beautiful restaurant, beautiful company who could hold a conversation, we talked about lots of things including Julie, tomorrow and we fought over the bill, Jen lost! I’ve old fashioned gentlemanly values, she wasn’t impressed but I remained firm, lol she cursed me something wicked but no, sod equality etc when it comes to opening doors and taking women to dinner…

We headed back to Grimsby to the hotel the fog had descended; there had been talk of ‘a Super Moon’ but no one was going to see it tonight.

We reached the hotel bar and some of the family were in there, I didn’t have a drink but made my excuses for I still had to write my speech/sermon/eulogy for tomorrow. Ensuring Jen made it safely into her room I entered mine and got myself comfortable to start writing, Julie last year bought me a journal for my journey to writer notes in, I told her I’d use it to talk to her after she leaves me.. It was the right place to write my words for tomorrow or, so I thought.. I opened it up and I’d forgotten the message she had personalised inside it for me, a year ago, sweet as it was it was for the future not whilst she was with me. I opened the book and the following words were written..

“When it hurts to look back,

And you’re scared to look ahead,

You can look beside you and I’ll be there.

Together forever, never apart,

Maybe in distance but never in heart”

 

 

I sobbed like a child as I held the leather bound journal close to me, why had she been taken from me? Why? Why? Why?

There was no way I could write anything tonight now, I clutched the journal and I’d brought Winston over with me, 59 years old and I’m hugging a teddy bear… Julie’s teddy bear… With my tears streaming onto my pillow I lay there thinking, “What if I bottle it tomorrow?” there is after all no plan B here, I have to be a grown up tomorrow, I have to do Julie proud, I have to… I have to cope…

Caught in No Man's Land

 

 

Friday 11 September, the house feels weird, the visitors and carers stopped instantly the day Julie died, one day we have the daily army of carers and nurses plus friends visiting the next nothing, no one.. Yes the phone is busy and there are things to do of course. Today I had to register Julie’s death….

Early in the day Maureen and I were both packing for our respective journey’s for today after almost five months Maureen is leaving Shute Manor for her home in rural Warwickshire, me I have to pack for the weekend trips of taking Maureen home and making sure she is settled in to home safely then I am driving to Grimsby to see ‘our family’, I feel very vulnerable right now ‘family wise’, There is no blood bond so in theory I could be isolated now, through my no nonsense approach of trying to get family over I’ve not made many friends sorry, lets change many to any… writing this several weeks later I ask myself as you probably would “In hindsight Andy would you have reacted differently?”, Truthfully I’ll answer No, I have no regrets about wanting family and friends from afar to visit Julie, I was delivering Julie’s message but yes my considered opinion too, I have no regrets, everyone had every opportunity to make the journey and now, after the event,  it is for those that didn’t come to wrestle with their own consciences, some I feel just looked at the news of Julie’s death as just part of any other day, not Julie’s children I hasten to add, I know how they feel but for some people the impression I got on calling to inform them of Julie’s death I imagine them sitting in a café eating breakfast with their mates and upon my breaking the news them expressing their sorrow as I hang up the I imagine their next words to be, “Pass the ketchup mate, ta”…. We all act differently and no one made me god or Judge, Jury & executioner overnight, I have a very clear conscience myself though.

So 3.30 came and I was at the Council office to register Julie’s death. I have all the paperwork, the medical certificate, I’ve taken my forms of ID, and I’ve taken bills, my passport, our wedding certificate & Julie’s Birth certificate. It’s a bizarre atmosphere in the registrar’s office, it’s extremely business like almost lacks the compassion for the occasion of registering a death, it seemed to lack the happiness too when we registered our intention to marry at this same office. Yes it’s a serious time and whether the need for accuracy drives the solemnness or not I don’t know. All details are checked and entered on to the system, you are then asked to check a copy for there is no going back once the form is printed and the actual certificate is issued. This issued you are also supplied with a certificate authorising cremation. The whole process probably took less than thirty minutes then it was home to collect Maureen and for us to head south. We locked up Shute Manor and we were on our way.

I’m used to driving, even now I drive 18,000 miles a year and in days gone by that’s been as many as 60,000, Friday afternoons are never good. It’s only as we get about half way home that the stop start nature of the traffic dragged out the exhaustion in me, I was visibly tired, the non-stop nature of my life for the last few months had caught up with me in a few minutes. I shook my head to clear it and made it to the next services to grab a coffee and to chill, if I closed my eyes I swear I’d sleep for a week..

A good hour later we headed to Maureen’s and was glad to see her front door & drive.

Saturday and I drove Maureen out for lunch to Hatton near Warwick then we drove out to the cosy village of Fillongley where Henry is laid to rest in the Churchyard, we had brought some of the flowers from home, they were only going to go to waste as I was now away for a few days. I hate the waste of flowers pretty as they are, more on this shortly.

My visit to Grimsby was twofold; One, I needed to see our family, Julie’s children and her dad too and I was with the Funeral Directors Monday to confirm the funeral plans. Whilst Julie’s wishes were to be cremated in Grimsby and she had already put her outfit out a long time ago and she had expressed about her glasses her only other wishes expressed were she wanted people to dress brightly not in black and she did not want a religious service, all of this would be honoured but I’ve always felt I did right by Julie and her funeral would be no different, the problem and I’ve seen it time and time again is ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’ as they say,  at this point the burden for the cost of the funeral would be rightly borne by me so, my view was, this will be done my way with no interference and frankly whilst I was never deliberately going to set out to upset people it’s inevitable this will probably happen, thankfully I’ve never cared for winning popularity contests, with me it’s about doing the right and in my view logical thing.

I hugged Maureen, told her I loved her and set off for my long drive to Grimsby, I went straight to Julie’s dad’s. We cried a little and chatted mainly about one of Julie’s brothers not being able to make the funeral because of a long standing commitment, I’ve previously vented my spleen about people not coming to see Julie when she was alive, when she wanted to see them but my view on death & funerals is surprisingly different. I truly do not believe you need to be at a funeral to pay your last respects or to say goodbye to someone or to remember them, fine take time out at the time of the funeral wherever you may be to reflect and remember but truthfully and for some the right thing is not to upset yourself by staring at a casket as someone drones on at the front. I’d rather Julie’s brother or brothers for two could not make it in the end remembered Julie whilst being somewhere or doing something where they could remember her in their own private moments, truthfully it’s ok..

When I announced Julie’s death and the funeral date and time I specifically specified no flowers (told you I’d come back to this).. I personally find the floral tributes spelling out Mum, Aunty, Grandma whatever as tacky, they’re damn expensive too. Julie didn’t mind the odd bouquet of flowers but as they often turned up during her illness she would curse about them “I feel like I’m in the funeral home already”, also someone as popular as Julie was would be attracting a lot of floral tributes and it then becomes a competition of who can donate the largest bouquet and it embarrasses those with little disposable income, plus what a waste! Within 30 minutes of leaving the crematorium they’ll never be seen again by any of us, it’s a different matter with a burial for the tributes can cover the earthed mound on a grave but this was a cremation. The other factor and I don’t know, do I think differently to anyone else but floral tributes are not cheap, it could easily end up being around £2,000 worth of flowers probably enough sales for a nice holiday for a florist, sorry but I had better plans for the equivalent value.. I decided in stating no flowers that I would request donations to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity instead, I know Julie would approve and this money will do far more good than floral tributes would. I had decided though we would have 20 long stemmed red roses and each main family member would be given one to place on Julie’s casket, sometimes less is more and a single rose on a casket as it entered the crematorium would make a statement, that was my plan.

It’s amazing how things get lost in the translation though for Julie’s dad still weepy became even more tearful as he said “you’re not allowing us to have any flowers then”, I explained no that was not the case we would have red roses as above, but it was clear he was distressed, I drew a breath and asked “Bob, what would you want were it your decision?” “A wreath” came the reply, I shook my head, I hate bloody wreaths, at the same time Julie’s brother who lives with his Mum and Dad stated ‘”Lily’s”, Julie’s dad was still sobbing, I apologised “Bob, I’m sorry but I don’t like wreaths, but how about this, you can get sprays of flowers that are around three feet long to go on top of the casket, how about I order one of those all Lily’s?” To be honest it would be this or nothing, Bob felt this would be lovely and so I agreed to this subject to them being from the whole family as in no card on them, the tears stopped on both sides. I do know how to compromise… Bob shocked me then by handing me a sealed brown envelope, “I’d like to help pay for our lass’s funeral” he said, the contents were clearly substantial, I was not going to be crass enough to open the envelope and start counting money, I asked if Bob could afford this, he’s a pensioner and has his own house to support plus Barbara, Julie’s mum is poorly, I didn’t want to insult Bob and he confirmed he was ok with it all, I shook his hand and thanked him for his generosity. Whilst we are a generation apart, Bob and I live by the same moral values. Of everyone affected by Julie's death it is her dad I truly feel for, no father should be in the position of having to mourn one of their children..

I said my goodbyes we would speak before the funeral. I headed to Aaron and Vicky’s where Emma was with Olivia & Abbie, Bob & Chloe were Karting, five of our dear grandchildren were here though. This was emotional though the children are happy in playing for us grownups it’s a numbing experience. We hugged and chatted. I explained my plans for the funeral, well those I wanted to be common knowledge, I had some surprises for the day but they would be better as surprises on the day.

I explained I would be taking Julie’s service, she wasn’t religious and I’d previously attended a friend’s ‘humanist service’. The one thing that gets me is that unless you are religious and in church constantly the chances are whoever holds your service won’t know of you and will have fifteen minutes with relatives then take your service clearly with no passion or understanding and it’s all anecdotal, my own grandmother’s funeral the vicar ended up calling her Edna when her name was Ena, Julie deserved better than this, Julie would have better than this! I told the children and Emma mentioned Aaron would like to say a few words at the funeral, hmmm this wasn’t in my plan and I know already how emotional it will be for me to take the service, I’m not convinced Aaron appreciates how emotionally charged the service will be for him, but the right thing to do was to let him do something. I suggested he read his Mum’s favourite poem that both Emma and he studied at school, I can remember the excitement one night as Julie bounced off her bed went to the book case on her landing and stood there reading it to me with so much passion, I smile today as I recall that moment, I can remember the pink pyjama bottoms and the white t shirt top she wore and that infectious smile…

So all agreed and as the day drew in we hugged and I departed with “see you soon”, I cried as I drove off to my hotel…

Monday morning and I’m in Cleethorpes smiling as I drove down Cleethorpes Road Grimsby over the point that it became Grimsby Road Cleethorpes.. Julie would be giggling.. I met with Sue the funeral director, she was lovely, as she went to make me a coffee I spotted a laminated A4 sheet that said ‘Co-operative Member qualify for a 10% discount on professional services’ (subject to paying your bill on time). It costs nothing to join the Co-op being a member resulted in an £88 reduction on my bill! I’d chosen the Co-op for Julie was in the care of the Co-operative funeral team in Oxton Village near where we live. I asked Sue to arrange for Julie to be brought over to Cleethorpes at their soonest convenience, it was confirmed by Wednesday that Julie was safely in their care at Cleethorpes – Mission accomplished. Back to the day, we discussed the service, an eyebrow was raised as I said I’d be doing the service, this is a daunting thing to do for a lot of people, for me too but sometimes whilst I love to play the fool and Julie and I were like kids ourselves at times, for the funeral I’d need to be a grown up…

We discussed all points, music etc too, I was prepared.. I left clear in my mind that all was as it should be, there was one thing I hadn’t settled on I needed to mull it over but more on that later.

I drove home knowing it was only the 14^th September and the funeral was a fortnight today, other cultures go from death to burial within 24 hours or in Ireland it’s three days, here it’s a long time, a long time to be in No man’s land…

And as the dawn broke...

I had planned to end the blog upon announcing Julie's death but I realised the story hasn't ended yet, so, here we go. Tissues I can tell you, you will need.....

On realising Julie had just slipped away,  I held her, I checked her breathing with the back of my hand close to her nose and lips, it was obvious she had slipped away so so quietly and peacefully, Maureen had threatened me not to let Julie go without her being there, she had made a promise with Julie that she would be with her at the end, I kissed her and said goodbye to my most precious partner , my wife, my best friend, my entire world but I needed to get Maureen, I ran like the wind up our stairs and as I neared the top I knocked The Red Room door and told Mum to come quickly, I needed to and ran straight back down to be with Julie, she shouldn’t be alone now, there was probably less than 30 seconds between me kissing her goodbye and being back holding her hand, Maureen was seconds behind me and she held and hugged Julie she softly brushed her forehead, I asked Maureen to double check I was right, she was still so toasty it didn’t seem real, she had slipped away so gently.

Julie’s dearest friend also Julie had been with us since the day before, I was so pleased she made the long journey up from Bournemouth, I had explained Julie’s sedated state but Julie still wanted to be with her, a long time ago Julie was in an unhappy relationship and as she was living about a mile away we invited her to move in to get her life back on track, she was a special friend to us both but her friendship with Julie far extended beyond my time with ‘my Julie’ they’d worked together in Grimsby, so bizarre she too ended up in Wirral. I heard ‘Julie2’ up and called up to her that Julie had just slipped away, she came straight down and she said her goodbyes to her too. My business brain then kicked in and I knew I needed to call the out of hours GP service for they would need to confirm Julie’s death. Shortly after I received a call back and the GP asked me a few questions then asked would I be comfortable for our district nurses to confirm Julie’s death, of course this was fine by me. I knew the Nurses would have to come out anyway, for I’d previously done my  ‘fail to plan, plan to fail’ checks and had asked what I would need to do when the time came. The Nurses needed to come to remove Julie’s catheter also her two syringe drivers.

The doorbell rang it was not long after four and two of our amazing District Nurse team were here to offer their condolences, I took them through to see Julie, the team late the night before had at my request placed her on her side facing into the room and towards ‘my now infamous blow up bed suspended on three dining chairs’ the reason for this was Julie had developed a cough and was too weak to cough up what was bothering her, on her side I thought this might assist rather than being on her back as usual, this was how we’d always slept upstairs anyway. It did the trick for she never coughed after she was repositioned. She looked so peaceful as we left her to the Nurses to go through their formalities, we retired to the lounge still numb, facing the reality that Julie’s journey and her suffering had finally reached a peaceful closure, I am so, so, grateful that I was with her as she slipped away but it was a surreal situation, I was already thinking ahead who I needed to call, family, funeral Director, my head was spinning, these calls I wasn’t looking forwards to and I didn’t want to be apart from Julie, it could not be ‘this clinical’…. There was a knock at the lounge door and the Nurses called me through explaining ‘The Lady of the Manor’ was waiting for me…. I went through alone I’d thanked the Nurses for their kindness, they explained I should call my Doctor late morning and the medical certificate should be ready for me. As I went into the dining room, the sight before me was so serene, the nurses had removed all of their medical equipment, they’d bagged up all of Julie’s drugs for me to arrange disposal of.. They had lain Julie on her back in the middle of the bed, it was or looked pristinely & freshly made, in her hands she was  gently holding ‘Winston’, her ever faithful teddy,  they had brushed her hair, she looked so naturally beautiful again though the colour had slipped from her face but not in a bad way, it was then I noticed to the right of her head on the pillow was a fresh rose and to the left of her head against the

 headboard was her ‘Lady of The Manor’ cushion, this truly demonstrated the care, thoughtfulness and compassion of our amazing team of Nurses, this was way beyond what I’d dreamt I would walk in to…. I called Maureen and Julie in and we three sat by her, still reassuring her we were there, it’s stupid but, then again, is it? Was she now looking down on us as we comforted her and each other? Who knows…  I was still numb, it was too early to call family, there was no benefit in waking them early, today was going to be a tough day for our family, for Julie’s Dad, brothers and in particular for Julie’s children Emma & Aaron and their families, they’d have to break the news to our six grandchildren too that grandma had gone to heaven.. This was not going to be a great day for so many as the news would slowly trickle out, I knew I’d have to put out posts on Twitter and to our facebook friends and also via the blog, so many people have expressed such amazing kindness and their condolences.
 

As we sat there approaching five a.m. Maureen asked me was I calling the funeral directors? I explained not yet, I had two reasons, well three, one I had no desire to rush my beloved wife out of her home, I knew I’d have to but there would be no rush, secondly Julie had become so attached to two of her carers Steph & Ann, Steph in particular I’d watched yet another amazing bond forge over the months, Steph & Ann were her first carers and with the bond I owed it to them both to have the opportunity to say one final goodbye if they wanted to. I knew from Julie’s time as a healthcare assistant that she’d seen more than her fair share of clients slip away, I suspected the same would be true for Steph and Ann, Julie would not be going anywhere until they had the opportunity to say their goodbyes if they wanted to. The third reason and I’m not tight but I knew there would be an out of hours fee from the Funeral Directors.

By seven a.m. and I started the difficult task of calling family, not unexpectedly no one was immediately answering their phone but I rang Julie’s brother who lives with his Mum and Dad, Bob needed to be told in person and I was 180 miles away, I spoke with Emma and Aaron both of whom I so wished I’d have been with too to hug, breaking the news to them despite trying to stay composed and grown up my tears not for the first or last time today flowed. I phoned others but Its such a blur even now I cannot remember who I called and who I didn’t. I should have made a list of who to call when the time came, I failed to plan…

Just after nine I saw Steph & Ann arriving, I met them at the open door and explained Julie had slipped away, I saw the sadness creep over Steph’s face, how the hell did Julie manage to impact on people in this way? We hugged and I explained Julie was peacefully at rest in her bed and that I’d not called the funeral Directors for I wanted to give them the chance to say their goodbyes if they wanted, of course they wanted to and so they did, Tracy who is now responsible for keeping me in well ironed shirts arrived around the same time and I extended the same offer to Tracy who also said goodbye to Julie..

I was still numb, still in shock still thinking what else did I need to do? By ten a.m. I contacted the funeral Directors to notify them that to their convenience but with no rush I was prepared to let them take Julie into their care..

Not long afterwards the phone rang, it was The Coroner’s office, and they “Needed to ask me some questions”… My head went into a spin, I knew the Coroner’s office got involved in suspicious deaths but there was nothing suspicious here surely?  Thankfully the lady explained that our GP had to refer Julie’s death to their office for  If a patient dies in the community (at home) and hasn’t seen their GP in fourteen days then a referral must be made, It was sixteen days since Andy Lee our GP last saw Julie. I spent ten minutes talking everything through and answering all of the questions posed to me when the lady confirmed “Based on what you’ve told me and the GP’s report I am authorising him to issue Julie’s medical certificate and that it should be available from two p.m.” at our surgery.

I’m not sure of the order of this next piece but either Carolyn the head of our district nurse team arrived or the funeral directors. We sat and talked to Carolyn and she’d brought a card for Maureen and I, she spoke with a genuine fondness of Julie and how she had admired her fighting spirit and also we discussed the early first few days when she and her team wanted to do things their way and I wanted certain things for Julie such as cot sides and yes it was ‘challenging’ to start with but it was in Julie’s best interests in my opinion and I think Carolyn soon realised my respect for her and her team when I explained that the care package was wrong and with no disrespect to her amazing team of Nurses that in the early stages a lot of Julie’s care was being supplied by fully trained Nurses, the reality is for two of their four calls they were just hoisting Julie on to the commode and wiping her bum… This isn’t the work of specialist Nurses whose time would be better with nursing other patients, yes we needed them twice a day but the other two calls needed transferring to the amazing army of professional carers who care not Nurse, I hope that doesn’t sound belittling of carers it is not meant to be they are amazing in their own right and I can never thank them enough.

At some point I removed Julie’s necklace with her wedding Jewellery on it and a silver Super lamb banana that Collette had given Julie not that long ago. The funeral Directors arrived and it was time to say goodbye, I thought I was ready for the moment, I took them in the lounge to chat things over, and the reality was these guys were ‘just’ the driver and his mate not the funeral Director. I’d left Julie in Maureen and Julie2’s safe hands, we went through to Julie’s ‘bedroom’ and they asked was I ready? I truly thought I was but I looked at Winston and touched him, this tiny soft toy had been with Julie since her APH stay, he never left her side, Maureen cared for Julie during the day we overlapped of an evening and first thing of a morning and I slept with Julie each and every night but it hit me then that Winston had been on guard 24/7, I touched him and I sobbed like a baby and wailed, Maureen, Julie and the two guys backed out of the room to allow me time alone with Julie and Winston…. I sobbed for minutes, I could not let her companion go with her, ‘he’ was too precious, ‘he’ ‘knew too much, he knew all of her secrets’…. I needed something to cling on to as I sobbed I realised I had no choice but to run upstairs like a madman and comeback down with one of Winston’s ‘Cousins’, almost like a magician trying to palm a card I tried to seamlessly switch the Teddys, lol I’m rubbish but swap them I did, I kissed Julie, I apologised and asked for her forgiveness but explained “Hunny I can’t let Winston Go, I want him on your pillow next to me each night”..  I’m sure she would have told me to look after him, ‘that bear’ will never leave me…

Composed again I called the guys in and explained I was ready, they asked did I want to leave them to it, no I didn’t I would be with Julie and them until they drove off in their ‘private ambulance’ and I was…

Now there is numbness, I went back into ‘Julie’s bedroom’ and I stripped the spotless linen, I’d previously had concerns about the empty bed, stripped down it looked well, it no longer looked like Julie’s bed. I called the equipment store, It wasn’t that I wanted to remove all trace of Julie or reminders of her though there is a bit of that I suspect, it wasn’t that we were desperate for the space but I needed the house to be tidy, it’s ‘What Julie would have done’, not only that the volume of equipment and the NHS being short of funds and resource they’d want it back like yesterday wouldn’t they? Wrong! The earliest a collection could be scheduled was the Monday so five days away, I was gobsmacked but no that was the soonest this could be done apparently. I’ve already gone on a crusade about this, it’s another small but crucial battle in an attempt to help others. I’ve spoken to key contacts within the NHS community and my recent Directorial acquaintance from our CCG, Lorna who attended my meeting with the senior Executive at Arrowe Park Hospital. This service had recently been tendered out to the private sector and either the new organisation wasn’t honouring their commitments or had a key requirement been excluded from the contract and tender process? As I spoke to Lorna she expressed her dismay and made my point for me, “Andy what if someone has lost a loved one, only has one room as is the case with a lot of Birkenhead’s aged terraced housing stock” the realisation that bulky equipment needed to be out of the way asap on compassionate grounds is apparent, surely five days is too long to wait, surely 24 hours is reasonable and achievable?.  Time will tell but ‘It’s on the radar now’.

Late morning Julie2 was discussing her planned departure and she said to Maureen, “Will you be going home now Maureen?” In my typical off the cuff way I answered the question “She sure is”, it was said with cheeky humour, Maureen glared at me and said “So when am I going home then?” I grinned and answered “I don’t know yet but you are”, I added “You know you need to go home, there is no point in hanging around here now, the funeral will be in Grimsby and you know Nigel (my brother) and Nunu (his wife) will be home and staying at yours” she frowned at me, “I’ll think about it”. I went to our GP’s and collected Julie’s medical certificate confirming her death, they also kindly gave me a condolences card, how thoughtful. Now I had the medical certificate I could call the local Registrar’s office to make an appointment so that I could register Julie’s death, this has to be done in five days of the death occurring, I called and got an appointment for 2.30pm on Friday. Suddenly I was being consumed by administration but it kept me busy. I also had a plan now regarding Maureen going home, there is no way I can just kiss my mother goodbye at Lime Street Station after us enduring this trauma plus, Maureen had lost Henry in January, his funeral was in February and barely a month later Maureen was up with me with a commitment to stay until the end now. I knew she had already struggled on going home by train the first time and walking back into an empty house with nothing but memories to haunt her.

I got home and said to Maureen “I’ve decided when you’re going home” she looked at me expectantly, “I have to register Julie’s death Friday afternoon, I will drive you home and I’ll stay with you Friday night and Saturday night so you’re not alone and I can be safe in the knowledge you’re settled in, Sunday I will drive up to Grimsby to see Julie’s family, I needed to be close to the kids and Julie’s Dad but these would be tough visits, I needed to discuss plans for the funeral with them all, I know what I’m doing for her but so much I want to be a surprise but the family needed to know the detail. I’m jumping ahead for I’ve not even arranged an appointment with the undertakers yet.  Maureen seemed pleased with my ‘cunning plan’..

I had to dash out again to the Funeral Directors, logistically this wasn’t straight forward, Julie had recently confirmed she wanted her funeral in Grimsby, despite my protestations I would respect her wishes for “What Julie wants, Julie gets”.. this was really bugging me though, so many of Julie’s support team would be disadvantaged by this decision. It’s customary for Nurse teams, Medical teams neighbours etc to be represented at the funeral but a 360 mile round trip comprising a full day would prevent this, still Julie’s wish’s are Julie’s wish’s…  I discussed the arrangements with our local branch of The Co-operative Funeral Directors; they now had Julie in their care. I chose this service for they have nationwide branches and would be used to handling such distant arrangements, maybe not though it seems they hadn’t dealt with this situation before, we decided as the Funeral would be in Grimsby it would be best for a local team to handle the arrangements, Crematorium fees differ by county or council. I asked they contact the Cleethorpes branch for amongst Julie’s first ever conversation with me included the phrase “I’m from Grimsby but cannot wait to get the hell out of here, as soon as the children have left home I am leaving” I won’t go into it in detail she had great friends in Grimsby including her former in-laws but she felt the towns folk in general were small minded and wanted to know everyone’s business or, if there was anything said about someone one side of town within twenty minutes everyone the other side of town would hear the news… I’m sure it isn’t any different to any other small town but Julie was adamant she wanted away, ultimately she did and although on family grounds her journey on earth will end in Grimsby I was not going to have her resting in Grimsby, Cleethorpes is at one point just a foot away from Grimsby and so on principle she would rest in Cleethorpes until her funeral, I know she would be smiling at my thinking.. Anyway the call to Cleethorpes resulted in me having an appointment with them in Cleethorpes on Monday and they had confirmed Julie’s cremation would take place on Monday 28^th September. I could now spread the word and begin with my plans, I was never destined to be Mr Popular, I knew what Julie wanted, I knew how she would want to leave us and we had discussed certain points including what she would wear (A Cath Kidston Dress, elbow length gloves, hold ups. Julie’s humour always tickled me, when we first discussed all of this over two years ago out of the blue she said to me “Don’t forget to put my glasses in with me when I die, you know I’m afraid of the dark and need to see where I’m going”.. This still makes me smile today. I did my research and there are somethings you can put in a casket for a cremation but metal is excluded, Julie’s glasses were metal filigree framed, we had to get plastic glasses commissioned for her, crackers uh? But it was what she wanted… and what she got…

 

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