Friday 11
September, the house feels weird, the visitors and carers stopped instantly the
day Julie died, one day we have the daily army of carers and nurses plus
friends visiting the next nothing, no one.. Yes the phone is busy and there are
things to do of course. Today I had to register Julie’s death….
Early in the
day Maureen and I were both packing for our respective journey’s for today
after almost five months Maureen is leaving Shute Manor for her home in rural
Warwickshire, me I have to pack for the weekend trips of taking Maureen home
and making sure she is settled in to home safely then I am driving to Grimsby
to see ‘our family’, I feel very vulnerable right now ‘family wise’, There is
no blood bond so in theory I could be isolated now, through my no nonsense
approach of trying to get family over I’ve not made many friends sorry, lets
change many to any… writing this several weeks later I ask myself as you
probably would “In hindsight Andy would you have reacted differently?”,
Truthfully I’ll answer No, I have no regrets about wanting family and friends
from afar to visit Julie, I was delivering Julie’s message but yes my
considered opinion too, I have no regrets, everyone had every opportunity to
make the journey and now, after the event,
it is for those that didn’t come to wrestle with their own consciences,
some I feel just looked at the news of Julie’s death as just part of any other
day, not Julie’s children I hasten to add, I know how they feel but for some
people the impression I got on calling to inform them of Julie’s death I
imagine them sitting in a café eating breakfast with their mates and upon my
breaking the news them expressing their sorrow as I hang up the I imagine their
next words to be, “Pass the ketchup mate, ta”…. We all act differently and no
one made me god or Judge, Jury & executioner overnight, I have a very clear
conscience myself though.
So 3.30 came
and I was at the Council office to register Julie’s death. I have all the
paperwork, the medical certificate, I’ve taken my forms of ID, and I’ve taken
bills, my passport, our wedding certificate & Julie’s Birth certificate.
It’s a bizarre atmosphere in the registrar’s office, it’s extremely business
like almost lacks the compassion for the occasion of registering a death, it
seemed to lack the happiness too when we registered our intention to marry at
this same office. Yes it’s a serious time and whether the need for accuracy
drives the solemnness or not I don’t know. All details are checked and entered
on to the system, you are then asked to check a copy for there is no going back
once the form is printed and the actual certificate is issued. This issued you
are also supplied with a certificate authorising cremation. The whole process
probably took less than thirty minutes then it was home to collect Maureen and
for us to head south. We locked up Shute Manor and we were on our way.
I’m used to
driving, even now I drive 18,000 miles a year and in days gone by that’s been
as many as 60,000, Friday afternoons are never good. It’s only as we get about
half way home that the stop start nature of the traffic dragged out the
exhaustion in me, I was visibly tired, the non-stop nature of my life for the
last few months had caught up with me in a few minutes. I shook my head to
clear it and made it to the next services to grab a coffee and to chill, if I
closed my eyes I swear I’d sleep for a week..
A good hour
later we headed to Maureen’s and was glad to see her front door & drive.
Saturday and
I drove Maureen out for lunch to Hatton near Warwick then we drove out to the
cosy village of Fillongley where Henry is laid to rest in the Churchyard, we
had brought some of the flowers from home, they were only going to go to waste
as I was now away for a few days. I hate the waste of flowers pretty as they
are, more on this shortly.
My visit to
Grimsby was twofold; One, I needed to see our family, Julie’s children and her
dad too and I was with the Funeral Directors Monday to confirm the funeral
plans. Whilst Julie’s wishes were to be cremated in Grimsby and she had already
put her outfit out a long time ago and she had expressed about her glasses her
only other wishes expressed were she wanted people to dress brightly not in
black and she did not want a religious service, all of this would be honoured
but I’ve always felt I did right by Julie and her funeral would be no
different, the problem and I’ve seen it time and time again is ‘too many cooks
spoil the broth’ as they say, at this
point the burden for the cost of the funeral would be rightly borne by me so,
my view was, this will be done my way with no interference and frankly whilst I
was never deliberately going to set out to upset people it’s inevitable this
will probably happen, thankfully I’ve never cared for winning popularity
contests, with me it’s about doing the right and in my view logical thing.
I hugged
Maureen, told her I loved her and set off for my long drive to Grimsby, I went
straight to Julie’s dad’s. We cried a little and chatted mainly about one of
Julie’s brothers not being able to make the funeral because of a long standing
commitment, I’ve previously vented my spleen about people not coming to see
Julie when she was alive, when she wanted to see them but my view on death
& funerals is surprisingly different. I truly do not believe you need to be
at a funeral to pay your last respects or to say goodbye to someone or to
remember them, fine take time out at the time of the funeral wherever you may
be to reflect and remember but truthfully and for some the right thing is not
to upset yourself by staring at a casket as someone drones on at the front. I’d
rather Julie’s brother or brothers for two could not make it in the end
remembered Julie whilst being somewhere or doing something where they could
remember her in their own private moments, truthfully it’s ok..
When I announced
Julie’s death and the funeral date and time I specifically specified no flowers
(told you I’d come back to this).. I personally find the floral tributes
spelling out Mum, Aunty, Grandma whatever as tacky, they’re damn expensive too.
Julie didn’t mind the odd bouquet of flowers but as they often turned up during
her illness she would curse about them “I feel like I’m in the funeral home
already”, also someone as popular as Julie was would be attracting a lot of
floral tributes and it then becomes a competition of who can donate the largest
bouquet and it embarrasses those with little disposable income, plus what a
waste! Within 30 minutes of leaving the crematorium they’ll never be seen again
by any of us, it’s a different matter with a burial for the tributes can cover
the earthed mound on a grave but this was a cremation. The other factor and I don’t
know, do I think differently to anyone else but floral tributes are not cheap, it
could easily end up being around £2,000 worth of flowers probably enough sales
for a nice holiday for a florist, sorry but I had better plans for the
equivalent value.. I decided in stating no flowers that I would request
donations to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity instead, I know Julie would approve
and this money will do far more good than floral tributes would. I had decided
though we would have 20 long stemmed red roses and each main family member
would be given one to place on Julie’s casket, sometimes less is more and a
single rose on a casket as it entered the crematorium would make a statement,
that was my plan.
It’s amazing
how things get lost in the translation though for Julie’s dad still weepy
became even more tearful as he said “you’re not allowing us to have any flowers
then”, I explained no that was not the case we would have red roses as above,
but it was clear he was distressed, I drew a breath and asked “Bob, what would
you want were it your decision?” “A wreath” came the reply, I shook my head, I
hate bloody wreaths, at the same time Julie’s brother who lives with his Mum
and Dad stated ‘”Lily’s”, Julie’s dad was still sobbing, I apologised “Bob, I’m
sorry but I don’t like wreaths, but how about this, you can get sprays of
flowers that are around three feet long to go on top of the casket, how about I
order one of those all Lily’s?” To be honest it would be this or nothing, Bob
felt this would be lovely and so I agreed to this subject to them being from
the whole family as in no card on them, the tears stopped on both sides. I do
know how to compromise… Bob shocked me then by handing me a sealed brown
envelope, “I’d like to help pay for our lass’s funeral” he said, the contents
were clearly substantial, I was not going to be crass enough to open the
envelope and start counting money, I asked if Bob could afford this, he’s a
pensioner and has his own house to support plus Barbara, Julie’s mum is poorly,
I didn’t want to insult Bob and he confirmed he was ok with it all, I shook his
hand and thanked him for his generosity. Whilst we are a generation apart, Bob
and I live by the same moral values. Of everyone affected by Julie's death it is her dad I truly feel for, no father should be in the position of having to mourn one of their children..
I said my
goodbyes we would speak before the funeral. I headed to Aaron and Vicky’s where
Emma was with Olivia & Abbie, Bob & Chloe were Karting, five of our
dear grandchildren were here though. This was emotional though the children are
happy in playing for us grownups it’s a numbing experience. We hugged and
chatted. I explained my plans for the funeral, well those I wanted to be common
knowledge, I had some surprises for the day but they would be better as
surprises on the day.
I explained
I would be taking Julie’s service, she wasn’t religious and I’d previously
attended a friend’s ‘humanist service’. The one thing that gets me is that
unless you are religious and in church constantly the chances are whoever holds
your service won’t know of you and will have fifteen minutes with relatives
then take your service clearly with no passion or understanding and it’s all
anecdotal, my own grandmother’s funeral the vicar ended up calling her Edna
when her name was Ena, Julie deserved better than this, Julie would have better
than this! I told the children and Emma mentioned Aaron would like to say a few
words at the funeral, hmmm this wasn’t in my plan and I know already how
emotional it will be for me to take the service, I’m not convinced Aaron
appreciates how emotionally charged the service will be for him, but the right
thing to do was to let him do something. I suggested he read his Mum’s
favourite poem that both Emma and he studied at school, I can remember the
excitement one night as Julie bounced off her bed went to the book case on her
landing and stood there reading it to me with so much passion, I smile today as
I recall that moment, I can remember the pink pyjama bottoms and the white t
shirt top she wore and that infectious smile…
So all
agreed and as the day drew in we hugged and I departed with “see you soon”, I
cried as I drove off to my hotel…
Monday
morning and I’m in Cleethorpes smiling as I drove down Cleethorpes Road Grimsby
over the point that it became Grimsby Road Cleethorpes.. Julie would be
giggling.. I met with Sue the funeral director, she was lovely, as she went to
make me a coffee I spotted a laminated A4 sheet that said ‘Co-operative Member
qualify for a 10% discount on professional services’ (subject to paying your
bill on time). It costs nothing to join the Co-op being a member resulted in an
£88 reduction on my bill! I’d chosen the Co-op for Julie was in the care of the
Co-operative funeral team in Oxton Village near where we live. I asked Sue to
arrange for Julie to be brought over to Cleethorpes at their soonest
convenience, it was confirmed by Wednesday that Julie was safely in their care
at Cleethorpes – Mission accomplished. Back to the day, we discussed the
service, an eyebrow was raised as I said I’d be doing the service, this is a
daunting thing to do for a lot of people, for me too but sometimes whilst I
love to play the fool and Julie and I were like kids ourselves at times, for
the funeral I’d need to be a grown up…
We discussed
all points, music etc too, I was prepared.. I left clear in my mind that all
was as it should be, there was one thing I hadn’t settled on I needed to mull
it over but more on that later.
I drove home
knowing it was only the 14th September and the funeral was a fortnight
today, other cultures go from death to burial within 24 hours or in Ireland it’s
three days, here it’s a long time, a long time to be in No man’s land…
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