Coping....

 

 

Still in No Man’s Land, Julie it has been confirmed is resting in Cleethorpes in the care of the funeral home team, I’ve returned to work much to the surprise of a lot of people, to me it’s one of many coping mechanisms, what is the alternative, stay at home feeling sorry for myself? That’s not my style though at times yes I feel very sorry for myself.

It’s a strange reception at work, my bosses are being kind, the colleagues I sit with are being chatty and supportive but I also feel many are ‘avoiding me’ not really sure what to say or do, I’ve seen the odd one ‘body swerve me’ suddenly remembering they had to walk in a different direction. By the end of the day I decided to send out a general email to colleagues saying I understood how difficult it was for many of them but, I wasn’t likely to burst in to tears if we spoke and that it was ok to treat me as normal and lol if normal was to ignore me then carry on as usual.

The Clatterbridge Cancer Charity team have been incredibly supportive, some slight bad news was that Louise who had been the enthusiastic catalyst to my fundraising efforts broke the news that she was leaving, a sad day but, a) we will always be friends now and b) my support for ‘CCC’ remains solid. I’d received a call from another dear friend there, Karen, she’s one of the many disappointed that they won’t be able to attend Julie’s funeral but she tells me she will grab a period of reflection around the time of Julie’s funeral. At the same time and an (unnecessary) apology for the poor timing but the charity wanted to start its next focussed fund raising campaign. “Andy, we know this is bad timing but we want to record a video appeal to launch at our Annual Ball and we’d like you to spearhead the campaign by telling yours and Julie’s story about how you tried to sleep together during Julie’s final months, we want to raise funding to put reclining chairs next to every bed in the New Clatterbridge Hospital being built in Liverpool city centre, loved ones need to be able to be close to each other even if they cannot share a bed any longer”, without hesitation I just said “Let’s do it, of course I’ll do it”. The time line was tight, these things don’t ‘just happen’, and we agreed to do the filming at ‘Shute Manor’ just four days later.

This was a cause dear to my heart; I’d mentioned in jest to someone “Why aren’t there double hospital beds?” It was looked into and of course the dreaded phrase ‘Health & Safety’ reared its head and I can to a degree understand that for Julie had two syringe drivers in her thighs, she had a ‘line’ in her arm should she need anything into her or blood out of her urgently so yes there are risks but as the finished appeal explains Julie was so upset that we could no longer sleep together, she cried… I cried, we were very loving and tactile; we loved to just cuddle up anytime. It was bad for us, initially I was sleeping on a camping style airbed next to Julie on the floor, I was next to her and could respond to her instantly but I was a couple of feet below her on the floor, holding hands beyond a couple of seconds was impossible. In the end realising how big a deal this was and knowing we were running out of time I put three of our dining chairs in a row next to Julie’s bed and balanced the air bed on top of chair seats, although now an identical height as Julie the obvious issue was the airbed was substantially wider than the chair seats and this left me vulnerable to me and the airbed sliding onto the floor! Despite all of this, the uncomfortable nature of it, the riskiness of it, it had to happen, I needed Julie to still feel loved and I needed to be close to her. So many things we healthy people take for granted but imagine you’ve been married 40 or 50 years even and have slept together all of your life then one of you is told you are dying, you don’t have long to live and then realise despite sleeping together as a loving couple for all that time, knowing you are dying and now when you want to be close to each other circumstances dictate that you can’t be…. It’s a sobering thought I hope you agree… A reclining chair next to a bed isn’t quite the same but it’s as good as it can get for both long term comfort and for closeness, at least you can hold hands, I was all be it on my ‘temporary bed’ holding Julie’s hand as she slipped away, it’s upsetting but at least I knew and I hope she knew she wasn’t alone, these chairs WILL make a difference.

The next week I had a film crew in the house, cameraman, sound engineer, an interviewer and Christine from CCC who was spearheading the campaign.

It was tough making the film only from the raw emotion of it; Julie was still in Cleethorpes, her funeral is ‘next week’. This was a story that needed telling, to have the chance to do that with a professional film crew was an amazing opportunity, this blog helps people, ‘this film’ we want to do a similar job. Most of the time I was sat in one of our dining chairs being interviewed, you try to ignore the camera and the key is to chat away, I was so at ease and yes I am ‘fortunate’ that in my various jobs I have to present in front of people either sitting down or standing at a lectern, Julie as you know often referred to me as a silver tongued salesman often as I tried to wriggle out of a situation, I smile as I recall her laughing at me.. But at times like this it helps to be able to focus and deliver a clear message mainly without getting upset too, on that score though this was so incredibly ‘raw’ recalling and re-living these events did bring me to tears, typing this I’m crying, it’s tough. Interesting there is one point where I struggled to complete a sentence, we had agreed the best format to film under was to keep the camera rolling, only once it got too much and the famous movie phrase “CUT” was called so I could compose myself. For the piece that took me four attempts we kept rolling, I’d seen Chris behind the team wiping tears away, I saw the rest of the team crying too.. God damn it this was emotional stuff, we are all adults but this story was so tough, so real, so meaningful. As we reached the end of this section to move to another scene I was asked “Are you OK to carry on Andy?” I was fine, but I added “Whatever you use or don’t use, that last piece must be in the film, if nothing else opens wallets, this will”. There is no doubt we had created something special here in my view. The filming was done by ‘Mocha’ a Liverpool based company headed by Directors Phil Halpen & Owen Cotterell, Owen ‘interviewed me’ on the day, I knew they would make an amazing job of our story, more to come on this.

I mentioned in the last blog that I didn’t see the need for people to be at the funeral of a loved one and I was amazed to hear my brother Nigel & his wife Nunu were going to close their bar & restaurant in Taiwan for two whole weeks and travel half way around the world to be here for Julie’s funeral, I told Nigel not to come but he was having none of this, they were coming…

Getting to see anyone was difficult right now, I am back at work, with less than six months of the company holiday year gone and I’ve exhausted my annual holidays caring for Julie, my company have been generous with some compassionate leave too but I’ve ‘burnt up five weeks holidays’ looking after Julie, I’m not sure how or what or whose responsibility if anyone’s this should be but surely it cannot be right… a woman can get pregnant and be paid (by law)  to be off work to bring up a child that in the main was a personal choice yet neither Julie nor I chose for her to become terminally ill and needing me by her side yet in the main I funded all this through my own ‘paid holiday leave’.. It seems so wrong somehow.. Worse still its Mid-October & I have no holiday leave until April 1^st 2016 and whilst I have no desire to party I surely ‘deserve some R&R time’ after the last two years+. Last year Julie and I got to Jersey for two working days and a weekend and that was it sun and holiday wise… Yep, I’m whining, this is wrong…

Anyway, back to Nigel & Nunu they were visiting Blackpool so I arranged to check into the same hotel as them for one of the nights as Blackpool is nearer my office than home is to the office. It was good to catch up with them albeit for just a few hours, I explained the plans for Monday’s Funeral and swore Nigel & Nunu to secrecy on one special point, we’d next meet Sunday afternoon for we are all booked into a hotel in Grimsby the day before the funeral, No risks are being taken, this will go to plan.

Saturday morning and our dear friends Casper & his partner Annelies flew in from Holland, Casper’s I think fifth visit to Shute Manor this year and Annelies’ second, Julie was special to both, from a chance meeting over breakfast after a convention in Lanzarote over ten years ago the strongest of friendships was forged and we had amazing times together be that in the Netherlands or Liverpool or when we did our log cabin trip to Aviemore, this is one special friendship despite our individual personal life ups and down of which the four of us had endured many our friendship was and remains as I type remains one of the strongest bonds.. If you haven’t found out already, as you go through life you will soon discover who are acquaintances, friends, or true friends who will drop anything immediately if you need them, it’s true friends that help you cope… I’m blessed I’ve got these two amazing people (Casper & Annelies), I’ve also got Vince, Denise & their whole family Andrew, Daniel & Karen plus their wives Louise, Rebecca & Karen’s husband Jamie ‘alongside me’, my brother Nigel & his wife Nunu, Maureen, my dearest Mother, amazing friends Gareth & Susan and I’ve got an incredible ‘soul mate’ in a special lady called Jeanette or as I call her ‘Jen’, she’ll be as embarrassed as hell by this but she deserves some special recognition, Jen I’ve known longer than Julie, I introduced them for Jen works at Barberanne’s  and on one of her early post op recovery visits Julie needed her fringe cutting.. These two along with the other girls at the hairdressers got on like a house on fire, Julie and Jen became close confidantes often doing lunch and Jen when Julie was fretting about her hair for the wedding she left me with no real choice but to beg Jen & her then husband to come to our Wedding, Jen jumped at the chance to make my bride to be feel special on the day.. The friendship went from strength to strength and when Jules was in hospital she went in and did her hair and the same at home she would come round, Jen’s own life whilst all this was going on has been up and down including her marriage breaking down plus she’s ‘there’ for another really close friend who too is extremely ill and she’s got two children too yet on top of all of this she found time each week for Jules and she checked up on me regularly, at times I think we’ve propped each other up for we can talk about anything, listen, advise and it goes no further ever.. Jen wanted to come to Julie’s funeral and I was relieved she wanted to be there, she has been ‘a rock’ for me at times, I can never repay what this amazing woman has done for me, all I know is her partner is one very very lucky man… To you all I say “Thank you”, truthfully the last year has been incredibly hard but made slightly easier because of amazing true friends. At this point I’ll add in Tara & Pete, Janice and Julie’s cousin Maria. There are others who if we are being honest were predominantly Julie’s friends (though some I considered ‘our friends’) who deserve recognition too, Xena, June (as in ‘scousebabe’), Joanne, Jackie, Collette, Jooie – Julie Salenius & I think were Julie writing this she would endorse her most dearest friend ‘Woon’ June Bartlett, her amazing Sister in Law and friend of over 35 years. June above everyone I have to say has supported mainly Julie but me too during some of Julie’s darkest times and illnesses….. If I’ve missed you off the list and you think you should have been singled out too I apologise and please let me know, I’ll do my best to correct my failing, trust me it’s not intentional… Three more recent and very special friends of us both Hannah, Eve & Corrinna.. Their support for me since losing Julie has played a major part in keeping me going… Similar can be said of ‘Team Clatterbridge’. In terms of coping, if people offer support don’t be afraid to accept it, I can tell you after losing your loved one you stare into one hell of an abyss, it’s a very lonely place…. I am though blessed..

Sunday afternoon and Casper, Annelies and I head round to Jen’s house to collect her for our coast to coast journey.

Its Julie’s funeral tomorrow, September 28^th 2015, I have desperately been trying to write the service, I knew what I wanted to say I just didn’t know how to start it, in the past I wrote my wedding speech and I learned it and often business presentations ‘Parrot fashion’, the difference it makes in terms of making an impression if you can speak naturally and passionately on a topic with no notes does bring you a degree of respect in the business world, for Julie’s funeral I just wanted to do her proud. All week I’d been trying to start writing down my speech but It would not start, the reason being was I had several things to potentially start with but which would come first. I knew too we were limited on time at the crematorium with the threat of an added surcharge for over running, I didn’t want to overrun, and it would be disrespectful to the next funeral family to do so.

We arrived at the hotel safely and met family, my cousin John had travelled from Belfast via London and then motor biked it up to Grimsby, I come from a large family the generation above me as in my Father’s generation, he was from a family of eight children, John’s Mum Patsy is my god mother and John’s late Father Davey was my god father as well as my Uncle and Aunt, with no disrespect to the rest of the family I always felt a strong affinity to Patsy, David and their children, my cousins, we have similar senses of humour and a very strong bond.. We still ‘call each other’ though and poor John had myself and Nigel to contend with, he can more than handle himself though. I hugged my Mum, tomorrow we both know it’s going to be tough. She knew I was taking the service “Are you ready for tomorrow?”. “As ready as I’ll ever be but I need to get my speech written, by the way there will be a few surprises tomorrow” I teased mum, she looked at me as if to say “please Andrew, please don’t” she knew better than to push me on it, I knew in the main she would approve of my surprises.

Someone mentioned dinner I’m not sure I want to be with a crowd of people tonight. Jen’s room was on the same floor as mine and I asked her would she mind if she and I just sneaked out un-noticed and I wined and dined her away from the crowd, she obliged me. We went just out of town to a restaurant I’d wined and dined Julie, it’s classy but also quiet enough that we would be able to chat comfortably, have to say it was just what I needed, beautiful restaurant, beautiful company who could hold a conversation, we talked about lots of things including Julie, tomorrow and we fought over the bill, Jen lost! I’ve old fashioned gentlemanly values, she wasn’t impressed but I remained firm, lol she cursed me something wicked but no, sod equality etc when it comes to opening doors and taking women to dinner…

We headed back to Grimsby to the hotel the fog had descended; there had been talk of ‘a Super Moon’ but no one was going to see it tonight.

We reached the hotel bar and some of the family were in there, I didn’t have a drink but made my excuses for I still had to write my speech/sermon/eulogy for tomorrow. Ensuring Jen made it safely into her room I entered mine and got myself comfortable to start writing, Julie last year bought me a journal for my journey to writer notes in, I told her I’d use it to talk to her after she leaves me.. It was the right place to write my words for tomorrow or, so I thought.. I opened it up and I’d forgotten the message she had personalised inside it for me, a year ago, sweet as it was it was for the future not whilst she was with me. I opened the book and the following words were written..

“When it hurts to look back,

And you’re scared to look ahead,

You can look beside you and I’ll be there.

Together forever, never apart,

Maybe in distance but never in heart”

 

 

I sobbed like a child as I held the leather bound journal close to me, why had she been taken from me? Why? Why? Why?

There was no way I could write anything tonight now, I clutched the journal and I’d brought Winston over with me, 59 years old and I’m hugging a teddy bear… Julie’s teddy bear… With my tears streaming onto my pillow I lay there thinking, “What if I bottle it tomorrow?” there is after all no plan B here, I have to be a grown up tomorrow, I have to do Julie proud, I have to… I have to cope…