Only The Lonely

Rocking The Wellies

To the younger generation, it’s the title of a Roy Orbison Song from the charts in the 1960s but it's an apt title for this blog edition.

Ok, don’t feel sorry for me, I was asked to continue the blog so people know how I and I suppose others would feel & cope with a bereavement and as with anything I do if I’m doing it, I give you the truth 'warts n all' as the saying goes.

I’m still struggling with my grief since my 60^th birthday on the 8^th August, It’s truly shook me up and yet I truly thought it would be the easiest first anniversary for me to cope with.  My time with Casper in Holland was good but the harsh realisation that I’ll never share another birthday with a smiling Julie continues to haunt me. I can be doing nothing and spontaneously the tears start, I gave examples in the last blog, just over a week on from that and every day events just ‘grab me’, recent events have also made me realise just how lonely life is for me.

I try to fill my time constructively or away from Shute Manor for I am increasingly unhappy in the house. Two weekends ago I saw an ‘appeal’ for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity Ambassadors to cover the prestigious Southport Flower Show, CCC had a marquee there and wanted to inform people about the new hospital  being built in Liverpool, the one I/we have been fundraising for the reclining chairs. I offered my services and I was to be there all day on Sunday, others were on duty Thursday to Saturday and I had help on the Sunday too. 

I took myself off to the show on the Saturday I’d never been before and so by definition Julie hadn’t either but given her love of gardening I cannot believe we never went. The purpose of Saturday’s jaunt was to have a look around but also to find the CCC Marquee location, I didn’t want to just turn up on Sunday not

knowing the form or anything, Saturday like Friday was a miserable day, rain, rain, rain. I often quote one of the useless facts that I store in my head that August is the wettest month of the year, it’s reasonable to think “But its summer” but yes it is apparently the wettest month of the English year… We often have false memories or rose tinted one’s of our childhood school summer holidays where the sun never stopped shining but on reflection I can remember sitting on a warm storage heater staring out of the front window of our Warwickshire home looking at the pouring rain and whining “I’m bored”, lol we never had an iPad in those days we had TV’s with just three channels and in the 60’s these were of course just black and white… Amazing whilst everything else has changed children whining “I’m bored” hasn’t. I’ve digressed! There’s a surprise I hear you say!

The flower show despite the weather was excellent, so many flowers a lot in giant marquees and as the park the show features in has a wide tarmac footpath around it, this wasn’t a bring your wellies job unless you thought it fashionable like one young lady we know at a wedding….

I covered every inch of the flower show and I found the CCC Marquee, it was well sited with the parade ring behind it. Jeni from CCC was manning the stand today, the weather was impacting on the number of visitors but those that had called by were being relatively generous.

Sunday morning and I’m up at stupid O’clock by my weekend standards, I have to meet Jeni at the showground carpark to collect my exhibitors pass by 09.30, it may only be 23 miles away but it’s around an hour’s drive without delays so leaving home at 7.30 I was there comfortably by 09.00. I’d learnt my script, well not so much a script but I was filled with information on Clatterbridge, its many sites, it’s amazing facilities and technology and of course information on the new hospital, the key message is this is an additional site NOT to replace any.

Thankfully today the weather was much improved and whilst you wouldn’t want to have been sunbathing in it, it was warm and sunnier as the day went on; the increase in visitors was plain to see. Myself and the two volunteers who shared the morning and afternoon slots with me were quite pleased with the day. It’s always good to hear others praising Clatterbridge, one couple in particular shared their gratitude, their very young child last year had needed specialist proton beam therapy, so specialist it could only be completed in the USA, they were struggling to get insurance cover and turned to CCC who were able to advise/help. The number of patients too who dropped by to share their gratitude thinking we were employees when we are just patients or relatives like they were.

I can imagine a lot saying “I wouldn’t give up my Sunday” but whilst the NHS services are free to us all how often do we take them for granted? The services, the people? I’d argue most people take the NHS for granted most of the time. I truly feel I owe the NHS & Clatterbridge as a hospital and a Charity Organisation under the hospital’s control an enormous debt of gratitude. No one could have cared for or supported Julie any better than Brian Haylock & his team and the care and compassion in those early days shown by Karen & Louise in the Charity team made a difficult time hell of a lot easier. I’ve become friends; well I consider them friends, with many of the charity team the likes of Debbie, Marie, Sam & Chris all because of Julie and wanting to ‘payback’ a truly un repayable debt of gratitude. Of course Julie had care from other organisations and hospitals for example, the Walton Neuro team, The Walton Centre Clatterbridge team, and I’ll single one of the radiographers, Louise for her kindness and reassurance, she was part of the team who completed Julie’s Stereotactic Radio Surgery and this in particular bought Julie at least a six month time extension. Let’s not forget either the Community (District) Nurse team, our own GP Andy Lee who was able to put Julie at ease, was fast acting and when I needed anything was just a telephone call away. On top of that add in the carers and the support from three other amazing charities namely Macmillan who Julie’s Nurse Jayne was part of, it’s impossible and probably wrong to pick out any individual nurse from the I reckon 50 or so Julie had contact with during her illness including the amazing Ward 26 team at Arrowe Park Hospital, let’s not forget Scunthorpe hospital team too, some amazing Doctors & Nurses but because Jayne was such a support to me in the final days and hours of Julie’s life, whilst I’ll probably never  see Jayne again she holds a special place in my memories. The list goes on too, I’ve not covered off Marie Curie Nurses who did overnight stints with Julie to give me some sleep respite and Wirral’s St John’s Hospice team for whilst Julie never went into the hospice as a patient it was Nursing Director Cathy Lewis Jones who met with Julie & I at the start of her palliative care journey and on top of that, the hospice ran a support team called ‘Hospice at home’,  they would come and sit with Julie so that Maureen could get some respite during the day only an hour or so but with me trying to at least show commitment to my employers Maureen was the mainstay of Julie’s day care from breakfast until I got home from work. I have supported all of these charities in some shape or form be it donations or with ‘Gogglebox’s’ Eve Woerdenweber holding a Macmillan Coffee Morning but above all my loyalties remain deeply entrenched with CCC.  So when you look at this lengthy list of people and the organisations, just how for granted can we easily take our NHS?.... I cannot and so to give up my time is to me a privilege, you may laugh but I wrote to Jeni after the show and thanked her for the opportunity to be part of the team. I’m not saying you don’t but spare a thought for these amazing charities and organisations and if you can’t give your time, how about some money? The NHS funds the backbone of the industry but the add-ons? Well the charities need funding.  Surely you can give one or the other, time or money? Great if you can give both.

So the flower show over and well it’s a long drive home and I’m alone again, even at the show I had to wipe the odd tear away as I shared Julie’s journey with other patients, I’m certain I’m no more sensitive than most, probably just a little less ‘hard’, those that know me and some of my exploits and the challenge to right wrongs at time will know when I need to be ‘no-nonsense’ I truly am.

I got home ran a rare bath and I headed to bed. Talking of beds, without doubt the room everyone loves in the house is ‘The Princess & The Pea Room’ on the top floor, it was my bedroom in the early days of meeting Julie and when she stayed over she would reference my posture sprung mattress to the story of the princess and the pea, me? I was clueless, had never heard of it never having had children of my own. Anyway, she felt the mattress was lumpy but she also agreed it was comfortable. When we had the roof replaced we moved to the green room as our bedroom and the mattress moved down with us.  When the time came we bought a new mattress for the princess and the pea room. No one else complained but Foxy and I often played ‘Musical Beds’, just for the hell of it we would change rooms, well we had them and it was fun and when we went back to the Princess & the pea room I never had a good night’s sleep, that mattress was hell on earth to me.



Winston Moves to the top floor too

After I lost Julie, sleeping in the Green Room was emotionally tough even though she hadn’t slept in the bed since earlier in the year, in fact since April 25^th to be precise. Eventually I decided to move up to the Princess and the Pea room, I haven’t slept well or properly in since I cannot remember when but I’m certain a lot of my sleep problems have been down to that damn mattress. Finally this week I bit the bullet and decided to swap the mattresses, ‘My mattress’ even though its seen better days at 15 years old was heading to the Princess and the pea room, my god, why are mattresses so heavy? I’m no weakling but on my own I struggled to get the mattress up a flight of stairs. Bringing the other down was relatively easy by comparison; our cantilever staircase meant I could lower the mattress down to the next floor. I forewarned Berna my cleaner that the house would be dusty this week.  So I am back on the top floor and for two nights in a row I’ve slept like a baby.

In general and I’ve mentioned this more than once I know but I dislike the house now, not that I’m preparing for an apartment like lifestyle but I truly spend 95% of my time in the bedroom, the other five mainly in the shower or the lounge, Sunday after eight hours on my feet at the Southport Flower Show I indulged my weary feet with a rare bath! The bathroom is beautiful, built and designed for foxy though she only got to use it four times bless her.  I don’t think I ever explained how she ended up with ‘her bathroom’. I came home from work one day and we had been talking about re-modelling the bathroom for ages; one day she announces “I’ve seen my bathroom

Christening Her New bath - Cheers!

today”, I responded really? Where? We’ll have to go and see it” she grinned as she unfolded a piece of paper exposing a picture of her dream bathroom, she’d seen it in a waiting room magazine somewhere and highly unusual for ‘madam’ she had torn the page out to bring it home, I can remember smiling at her cheek, all she did was giggle. I bought the tiles a couple of years before the bathroom was started and about a year after buying them on a trip to Grimsby she saw her dream roll top bath and we ordered it and the accessories then.  Anyway, eventually she got her dream bathroom, I did a lot of the initial work myself but Collette’s partner Andy did the bulk of the finishing work, now it is the jewel in the crown of the estate agent’s picture portfolio, it truly has a wow factor.

 
So I’m sleeping better but I still do not like the house, just yesterday I actually left work at a reasonable hour (6pm) driving home I thought I’d go and eat at New Brighton, so I drove there instead of home, whilst Julie was in hospital last year I’d often drive to New Brighton after I’d left her as visiting time ended and I’d drive down here to watch some amazing sunsets. Tonight there was no sunset but as I parked up facing the Mersey & the Irish Sea I was transfixed by the ever changing view, it has been a warm day and it struck me so many couples were out enjoying a stroll, hands locked, all shapes and sizes, some with dogs, lol some looking like dogs and some with babies. I’ve had this age old expression I often used, yeh it’s cheeky given I’m an ugly sod myself but I’d often make Julie laugh with the cheek of me as I’d utter (from a safe distance) “My god, the sights you see when you haven’t got a gun” or another favourite was “My god, she’s got an ass like an Ant… An elephant!”, it was just my bizarre humour and if my quirky humour offends anyone I apologise, I’ve never deliberately upset anyone but I’ve said it before and it’s true if a woman ever said to me “Does my ass like big in this” expect an honest answer.. That was never the case with Julie most of her life she was a size 12 top and a size 10 in a skirt & she was cute with a capital C.

Seeing all these shape or size or age irrelevant the harsh reality of not being able to do that again with Julie just hit me and so I’m sat in my car tears rolling down my face ultimately turned to sobbing again. I sobbed so much my appetite disappeared! I just sat there watching the sky darken until it was pitch black and around 10.30 I drove home and straight to bed. As I lay there the dawning of how lonely I am hit me, it also occurred to me that visitors to the house to see me and or to stay over since we shot the Clatterbridge Appeal Video just after Julie’s death  were pretty much ZERO. I had three weeks of my good friend and neighbour Corrinna and her two children ‘move in’ as she had a bathroom remodel  but no one comes to visit me, no one. This time last year around 14 people a day were in and out of the house, nurses, carers, Doctors etc. nowadays, it’s an average of ONE, me! A combination of me never being home to make friends, having no friends locally and ‘our friends’ seemingly having abandoned me tied in with family that it seems I have to visit if we are to stay in contact, ladies and gentlemen I can tell you it’s a lonely world after being widowed.

 

Happy Birthday To Me?

August 8^th was my 60^th Birthday, I had no desire to be at home for it, I’ve certainly no appetite to party and celebrate. I’d previously discussed the topic in a chat with Casper and he suggested I go over to his place, it made so much sense and yes it felt like I was ‘running away’ from my problems.

I thought I’d been smart I’d kept my forthcoming birthday quiet at work and the few I thought knew about it knew I was keeping things low key and taking a few days off so imagine my surprise when I got to my desk on the Thursday morning to see banners and balloons, having come back from lunch more and different faces than normally dare venture down to my corner of the office were gathering, hmm I’ve been stitched up, long standing and newer colleagues had gone to the trouble of having a collection for me and presenting me with some beautiful presents, thankfully despite being quite tearful at the moment I held my composure as I thanked them all and explained why I was being less than jovial about turning 60, I explained as we have so many new faces that it’s been a tough year for me and it’s not really appropriate for me to celebrate in my usual jovial style, it’s nice they took the trouble to remember and as I left with my arms full at the end of the day I recalled celebrating my 50^th Birthday here too those were happier times.

I decided to use this trip to see Casper as an opportunity to go visit my Mother, Maureen and as she lives not ten minutes from Birmingham Airport I would fly out of there, the added bonus was I could use her driveway, avoid airport car parking fees and just jump cabs there and back, In hindsight booking an 06.00 flight wasn’t my smartest move and with increased security these days you can no longer do a last minute dash and so I left Maureen’s at 04.00.. I groan now as I recall the lack of sleep…

Friday 5^th August I arrived at Maureen’s, it’s so good to see her and I hope reassuring too. Things were tough and strained at times as we both cared for Julie and as the weeks rolled on and Julie’s time with us diminished there were moments of tension between Mum and I. One evening I was summonsed to her bedroom where she had a list of things that she wasn’t happy about and she needed to share them with me and amongst that she expressed “You’ll forget about me when this is all over”, the raw emotion brought us both to tears but I reassured her I’ll never forget her, that I’d visit regularly and that I owed her an unrepayable debt of gratitude for everything she had done for Julie and for me. Maureen moving up and in for around five months meant I could continue to work and thereby keep the roof over our heads, her nursing of Julie was admirable, the district Nurse team and the carers had the utmost respect for the amazing level of care Julie was getting, mainly from Maureen, some from me and of course many valued friends. Had I not had this degree of support I would have quit my job, Julie was my world and I would not have allowed her to be at home alone, vulnerable, frightened, scared and I needed to be with her as much as I could be. I know there would have been significant financial consequences to giving up my job and I truly feel for those in such a dilemma.. I would add though if this is the situation you are in, talk to Macmillan Cancer they can and do offer financial support in some instances/circumstances. So, back to mother, there is no way I’ll ever forget her. She had a few jobs she needed doing and I’d brought down Julie’s laser printer that she used to produce her greetings cards on. The office grade printer produced in amazing quality & Maureen was stunned at the difference in the colours versus her own laser printer, as Julie and Maureen were ‘partners in crime’ in producing Decoupage greetings cards, I’m glad the printer was going to the perfect home. This thing though weighs a ton; I slid it down the three flights of stairs on a plank of wood and wheeled it to my car on a heavy duty trolley and at Maureen’s, neighbour Dan kindly gave me a hand getting it up the stairs.

My Niece Amanda & husband Phillip popped around, we shot out for a swift pint and then my bed beckoned. I was up at 03.30 and at 04.00 the taxi arrived and I was airport bound. A forty five minute flight into Amsterdam where the trip to the to the arrivals gate seems to take almost the same length of time, it’s a huge airport but once in the terminal building, it’s light, bright and filled with gadgets, travellators and the likes. What I like about Schiphol too is there is a railway station under the concourse, if you’re visiting Amsterdam it’s the cheapest and easiest route into the city centre, cabs are expensive. Usually Casper picks me up however security is increased at European Airports currently and Schiphol is no exception. I told Casper I’d get a train down to Rotterdam as it would save both time and inconvenience.

Jumping on the nearly empty train, was giving me time to reflect that this is my first birthday without Julie, as I’m 60 had she been here she would have plotted and schemed to give me a birthday to remember, sadly my main memory is going to be of the loneliness, the loneliness  that seems to haunt me daily now. So much is happening, the family birthdays, our wedding anniversary, Julie’s birthday, all in around a five week window of time. I truly feel my emotions are taking a

battering, so many times lately as I’ve laid in bed, having just removed the chain from around my neck holding our wedding rings that I entrust Winston with nightly, so many nights recently I’ve hugged that bear to sleep, a sixty year old guy confessing to hugging a teddy bear.. He knows all of Julie’s secrets; he watched her cry and now he’s witnessing my tears. At times I truly struggle with the loss of Julie. People say “Be kind to yourself”, “you’re expecting too much of yourself”, “give yourself time to grieve”, “there is no time scale on grief”, on that last point I fully agree. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m no doom and gloom merchant, I stay as positive as I can but at times the grief still just leaps out at me from nowhere, I can read something at work and I feel my eyes well up, I sit in an open plan office with colleagues sat close by, invariably I duck my head to PC screen level, or I just dab my eyes with a tissue and hope I can hold it together, just this morning (16^th August) I had to make a hasty trip to the office loos where thankfully alone I sobbed in a heartbroken way, it just came from nowhere. Last night on my way home as I came through the Wallasey Mersey Tunnel, I saw blue lights bouncing around in my rear view mirror, as I exited the tunnel I could see it was an ambulance, the lane in front of me the tunnel team had the barrier up and a tunnel Police officer guarding the open lane ready for the ambulance, I’d moved left to be out of its way anyway and as my tunnel tag kicked in and my barrier lifted the ambulance was alongside me for a few seconds, not for the first time I just spontaneously sobbed, I wasn’t just crying I was sobbing, the last time I sobbed like this was as the funeral directors waited to remove Julie from Shute Manor, this is absolute madness and I need to get a grip of myself but for whatever reason my 60^th Birthday has triggered fresh raw emotion in me.

I’m jumping ahead, sharing yesterdays & today’s events and blog wise I’m still on the train heading towards Rotterdam & Casper.

I sent Casper a text explaining I’m fifteen minutes away, on arrival I exited the building and looked for the pick-up and drop off zone sweetly named the ‘Kiss and Ride’ zone…  To inject some humour, I had no intentions of kissing the big man, that would have been Julie’s department in the day..

We were soon heading to Casper’s tenth floor apartment with amazing views of parkland and Rotterdam in his Tesla all electric car. Holland seems so geared up to electric cars with charging points pretty much in every car park you stop in and despite my travels here I think I’ve seen around 10 Tesla’s in the UK and probably over 100 in the Netherlands.  For a car the size of a Jaguar  Saloon it has the acceleration of the animal, the only down side I’ve seen whilst in the Tesla is they’re so silent that pedestrians do not realise they are there at times.

Casper knew I was escaping from any potential party or raucous celebrations and that I wanted a relatively quiet time, we are both pretty deep at times and whilst when the mood suits we can talk for our respective countries we can also just sit in silence.  All the same he’s arranged a few things but nothing on the scale of a party.

Saturday afternoon after I’d taken a power nap, gone are the days of being up all night or not going to sleep and partying like a ten year old, I’m 60 now you know haha… After a refreshing shower we headed out to see Casper’s Mother & Father at their apartment. Apartment living seems far more popular than in the UK though it seems to be becoming more popular in areas like Liverpool where riverside former tobacco warehouses are converted into luxurious apartments. They are a charming couple and unlike us ‘lazy English’ are fluent in at least a second language and luckily for me that’s English. In the evening we dined out with friends and had a lovely evening, no fuss just dinner and great conversation and excellent food. We arrived back at Casper’s and sat out on his 10^th floor balcony supping malt whisky & watching the night sky, in the distance we witnessed a couple of shooting stars, this is the perseid meteor shower week and thankfully the night sky lacks the light pollution of home, As I gazed and thought to myself, is this Julie’s way of saying “I’m up here & I’m having fun”.. It’s stupid I know but we are born and brought up to believe in the man in the moon and that our loved ones are the bright twinkling stars..  As I got into bed I looked on my ipad at some of the pictures, Julie is never far away from me, that gorgeous smile, that beautiful dress sense…

A tenth floor balcony view

Sunday Morning we are both late risers and chatted over breakfast, One of Casper’s friends Harold has a boat and we are heading out on it this afternoon. In the Netherlands you are never far from water and Harold’s garden boundary is a stretch of water, I think we’d all class it as a canal. Harold’s family were amazingly kind and nine of us were soon on the boat, heading past some of the most beautiful properties I’ve ever seen. This is tranquillity, there are no cars about, no roads, as I sipped

a glass of Champers I slipped into my own world momentarily as I remembered the Canal boat trips Julie & I did with Aaron & Vicky right at the start of her illness, we had such fun and it was our first chance to truly bond with Vicky. Two of the children with us despite it not being the hottest of days decided they wanted to ride on a floatation device being pulled on the boat, we were in hysterics as they tried to stand up on it so many times only to lose their balance. Finally mastering the art this progressed to trying to complete the task on one leg, ha, the inevitable happened and the girls landed fully in the water more than once but they were loving it and it

was nice to be amongst great people and to just absorb the casual atmosphere. We approached a windmill, well it is Holland and no visit would be complete without seeing a Windmill, again so peaceful but so majestic. This was our turning point, it was probably a couple of hours since we had casted off and we were heading back the way we came. Getting back on shore at Harold’s we passed the evening away with more wine & a BBQ, evenings when you do not want to party do not get much better than this. I actually drank more than Casper, he was after all driving, back at the apartment and as we watched the night sky again it was soon gone two a.m.

Monday morning and well I am now 60, groan…. Thankfully I still feel like I’m in my 30’s. when I woke I lay there with the dawning reality of the event with no foxy to giggle and to give me daft gifts but gifts I would have treasured forever… thankfully I’ve got those from previous years at home, from the name plate on the house, to the frog prince in the garden, to some of the sweeter gifts, a scrap book she had started for example. Again the tears appear. Julie asked why her as we knew her battle was futile and today I’m asking the same question, why oh why were you taken from me, we

Taking your car with you..

both deserved better than ‘this’… I wiped the tears away and knew I had to put in an appearance. Casper had taken the day off and after some toast we headed to meet our friends of Saturday night and we were to do a boat tour of Rotterdam Port, this is an immense marine industrialised area, so fascinating. Off the boat and we headed to a nearby restaurant for a delicious lunch before heading home and grabbing another power nap before tonight’s activities.

I knew tonight  was going to be relatively peaceful I knew we were head to the Hotel New York down in the Rotterdam Port, Casper & I had grabbed a coffee in there earlier this year and Casper has dined here on a couple of occasions in their basement restaurant. This place is special. Joined by four friends including Harold. Casper had declared at lunch time as I grabbed the lunch time tab “Tonight Shutey your money

is no good!” we laughed, I know there is no arguing with my dear friend when his mind is made up.  Tonight’s meal was beyond outstanding; I’ll go as far as saying this was the best meal of my life. A five course surprise collection of food was presented and explained to us by an equally outstanding team, each course came with a chosen wine that the Sommelier  (Wine waiter to the uninitiated) knew like family members, tonight was special in the quietest kind of way. Julie was constantly in my thoughts more so during any lapses in conversation and when I got home, five glasses of wine plus earlier beers may have been numbing my senses helped me slip off to sleep as  I clutched our wedding jewellery, the tear drops were rolling off my cheeks onto my pillow, I’m feeling guilty for not visiting Julie at her resting place, eventually I dropped off. I’ve never been one for dreaming but tonight I kind of hoped I’d be joined by Julie, truth be told I was exhausted.

Tuesday and Casper and one of his fellow Directors had a business meeting in a city called Breda, they dropped me off and I wandered the old style shopping centre for a couple of hours, I see dress shops and I see some beautiful women in the town, of course all bring my focus back to Julie. I sat in a café that specialised in hot chocolates and again the tears were out, something has triggered my grief, it can only be turning 60 and I truly thought this would be the easiest ‘first’ to overcome, how wrong am I?

Business meeting over and I’m dropped off at Rotterdam Central for my short train jaunt to Schiphol airport and my journey back to Birmingham and to mum’s, I’m not stopping tonight I’m back at work tomorrow so a quick coffee, chat and a hug goodbye and I’m homeward bound. Around 11pm I walk through the door of Shute Manor, I truly do not like being here now, In the lounge there are a few surprises from Corrinna, Cedella & Kymani including a helium filled balloon, it’s so sweet of them,

I need my bed, it’s been a long day, a quick shower, unpacking my laundry and putting the washing machine on and I’m crawling into my bed, my bed that was ‘our bed’ that Winston guards over, It’s both sad and comforting to see that bear, he’s soon wearing my chain and our wedding jewellery as I drift off, tomorrow it’s another day and back to normal whatever normal is these days.

Work is busy & it’s like I’ve never been away, yep back to normality. That said on top of the couple of events I’ve already described about this last week a couple of significant events that have me now querying myself and whether I can pull myself out of this tearful cycle, I’ve actually gone as far as finding the bereavement counselling website of the charity Cruse.

I spent the weekend at the house, I cannot even call it home now, Saturday morning I was up early as Virgin media were coming to sort out the faulty box in the Princess & Pea room, not that I’m using it as I'm back in the green room. I ventured out to see Jen and the girls at Barberannes, I’ve not seen Jen for several weeks and thankfully this time although there is a stream of clients we got to chat a little, I was amazed I held it together with my current teary state. I had to brave the Mersey tunnel, my cleaner loved a floor shine I bought from Costco but with a lot of Costco products they are seasonally in and out and they don’t stock it any more, thankfully I knew Lakeland stock it and I was in and out of their Liverpool One store and back home in 15 minutes. I slept the afternoon away, I’m not sleeping well either. Saturday night I thought move your ass and go eat, I went down to Blackberry grove at New Brighton where I feel at home with the team and as ‘billy no mates’ just blend in to the background to people watch.

Sunday and I really cannot be arsed (excuse my French) to even get out of bed, why should I? What am I going to do, go downstairs and feel sorry for me down there? Berna, my cleaner and I had swapped a few messages and upon telling her I can’t be bothered she reminded me a boot liner that

has been cluttering up the dining room since the day before Julie’s funeral, it was still there and it needed sorting out. Once showered dressed and downstairs I find my motivation mojo and got stuck into the boot liner I tidied up the packing boxes I’ve started to fill. There was also a box of Julie’s drugs still here and more in the bureaux in the hallway, I really should have disposed of them months, in fact almost a year ago but it was another job I’ve kept putting off and putting off. There’s over a litre of liquid morphine, there is Lorazepam both controlled drugs, both capable of killing anyone who dreamt over overdosing on them, STOP with that thought, weepy I may be, suicidal I am NOT, my life is for living it's what I want & I know what Julie would want! It’s not right that they’re in the house though and well to the inexperienced please do not just throw drugs in a bin or pour liquid medicines down the sink or drain, take any unused drugs to your local pharmacy for them to arrange the destruction of, always better safe than sorry.. So on Monday this week I brought them in to work and one of our pharmacists took them off me for destruction. It was though another sad task, sad but necessary though, another task completed on my road to recovering from the loss of my princess.

 

 

 

The Clock Is Ticking.

Almost a year on since my amazing wife, soulmate and best friend ‘left me’ and despite the time rolling by the tears are not for stopping, I really thought it would be easier than this to overcome the loss of Julie but I can tell you that some days seem tougher than the very early days after Julie’s death & funeral.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks and I'll cover that off in this and the next blog..

I visited Emma, Aaron & Vicky and the Grandchildren, Bob was working away again. Bob’s a real grafter he holds down a fulltime job as a mechanic and on top of that he gives over time to a good friend as part of a racing team, he and Emma work conflicting shifts, Bob Mornings and afternoons and Emma afternoons and evenings, Emma is also on call some weekends which limits what she can and cannot do with the grandchildren. They’re saving like mad to move to a more rural location thinking of the children and their welfare and the combination means they’re both often worn out and they don’t see much of each other as a result. I’m sure it will all be worth it in the end but whilst I won’t interfere in either of the children’s lives I cannot help but think back now to the late arrivals home I often had when Julie was alive and I question myself in terms of “why didn’t you make more of the time opportunity to be with Julie”? I’ve learnt a lot since she left us but the one thing that truly sticks with me is how little time in the grand scheme of things we had together. I’d say to anyone live for today, don’t waste a second being away from each other, don’t take each other for granted and don’t leave yourself looking back asking “Why didn’t I make the most of our time together?”.. Yes I’m talking to all of you…

Julie often said to me that if we had ever hit hard times much as she loved Shute Manor that so long as we were together she really didn’t care where we lived, I felt exactly the same. We both wanted to finish the improvements to Shute Manor and truth be told had Julie still been with us and fit we would have finished  late last year, sadly the spare funds were given over to making the most of things for Julie  in her last year, some would say getting her to last year’s Merseyside Women of the Year Awards was a waste of money given what buying a table at the event, a private ambulance crew and ambulance and having the vestibule demolished cost but she truly loved that day and although modest throughout she was proud of the recognition the awards brought. Add to that the cost of a funeral and meeting Julie’s wishes for it to be held in Grimsby and the transportation costs incurred, throw in the two ‘celebrations’ after the funeral and on the Wirral, Hotel bills, yes it was not the cheapest of times. The only thing I considered a real luxury was Julie’s horse drawn carriage but it was so majestic and she deserved to make her final entrance in style, I was fortunate that I could do all of that for her, absolutely no regrets.

As you’ll know from the last blog Shute manor is on the market with one rejected offer. I drove to Grimsby in my new car, having had so many problems with my Fiat500X 4x4, I had been battling with the dealership and Fiat and had been insisting on a full refund it was so problematical. Even the day before the dealership confirmed they would give me a full refund the key was stuck in the ignition and I ended up calling out ‘Fiat Assist’, it took an engineer an hour to arrive, another hour to fix it which, he could only do after going on to You tube to find the fix….. Anyway, full refund and I bought a new car that seems to drink a cup of petrol versus every tank fill up in the Fiat. So new car drive to Grimsby with no glitches and it was giving me 55 miles to the gallon, I am impressed.

I checked in to the Humber Royal Hotel that often seems like my second home, I still expect a staff Xmas party invite I’ve stayed that often over the recent years; I chuckled as the receptionist asked me if I knew where I was going and have I stayed before, tonight I’m on the first floor. As I walked down the corridor a shiver came over me, One of Julie’s biggest seizures was in this corridor, we were heading out for dinner with Mick & Sue when it occurred and we had to do our singing routine, we were loud enough to be heard on the ground floor by one of the duty Managers who I’ve previously mentioned, Natalie. The memories of all this came running back and you’ll guess I was crying as I entered room 111.

Friday evening I popped around to Emma & Bob’s to see Emma & the girls, Olivia is always so excited to see me running to answer the door to me, that smile and the warmth as she called my name “Andyyyyyy”… The girls were pampering themselves, grandma’s nail varnish box came out and somehow Olivia decided my nails should be varnished silver! The joys of being a grandad hehe… Later as she busied herself I grabbed the nail varnish remover and returned my badly bitten nails to their more ‘blokey’ style.

Saturday morning and I was at Emma’s with the twins birthday presents hidden away quickly, not hard as they were their birthday cards with gift cards inside to spend at as Julie would call it ‘Primarni’ (Primark to you and me). I lack the imagination that Julie had for buying presents and whilst she was mainly practical and bought clothes for she was conscious just about everyone else bought them toys I was clueless on the clothes front and sizes wise. I hope as I get older and the kids grow that so long as it’s cool to be seen with ‘grandy’ that I get to take them shopping for what they want. I do miss Julie coming out of the changing room and giving me a twirl as she asked what did I think? Now that is a happy memory….

Ollipop is giving me the third degree as she inspected my bare naked finger nails, puzzled how the varnish had ‘disappeared’, she was not impressed! My phone rang and it was Rhys, my estate agent, the three viewings family had upped their offer! They came in roughly where I wanted to be and so I accepted the offer. A ticking time bomb had just started to tick, my first thought is I need to find somewhere to live and quick! I thought they had the cash to hand and my worst nightmare was what if they want the house next week? So much I cannot do until I know we are almost at the point of exchanging contracts. The house is ‘dressed’, it will sell faster dressed as my home rather than an empty shell of a building but I know that is going to put me under time pressure, I sense I’ll be getting removal men in!

The kids were having a birthday sleepover with friends even though their Birthdays are four days away so I hug and kiss them goodbye, Emma too…

Saturday evening and I’d already discussed with Vicky about me popping around with Millie’s birthday present and with a Chinese takeaway. I have to say Emma & Vicky are two of the most amazing Mothers I know, both incredibly hard working and whilst I devoted a bit of above to Emma I’ll probably embarrass Vicky as I sing her praises now. Julie and I were amazed at Vicky’s skills and parenting, she has her routines and she won’t bend from them and I have to say it works, she has two daughters who are a joy to spend time with and to witness how they respond to Vicky and Aaron, Evan is beginning to show his personality and he’s a challenge at times. Aaron won’t object to me saying this but his parenting style is to be one of the kids too and that’s fun to watch but someone has to be the grown up and yes that’s Vicky. Vicky has a burning desire to better herself; she has a hard working ethos on top of her housekeeping skills and her parenting skills. I’ve told her many times how Julie truly rated Vicky and I’ll say that was high praise indeed. I know Vicky misses Julie or ‘Mum’ as she affectionately called her.

We discussed the house sale and I’ve asked both of the children if there is anything in the house of Julie’s or that reminds them of Julie. I am downsizing from 11 rooms full of things to just four rooms (more on that later).. Of course I want the children to have memories; I will be limited in space in terms of what I can keep as memories.

Sunday I checked out of my hotel and I relived some of my memories of visits with Julie, a local park, an Appleby’s homemade ice cream, I reflected as I sat in the sun and yes the odd tear ran onto my cheek….

I called in to see Julie’s dad, I also had the wheelchair for him. Bob was looking better than I envisaged but he is still very poorly, very poorly indeed. I get the impression that the severe blow of losing the apple of his eye, Julie, and with his dear wife Barbara developing Alzheimer’s that he’s giving up, who can blame him?... Julie’s Mum remains in hospital and the latest blow is she has been diagnosed with cancer too. Bless her she still has no idea that Julie has left us, her condition means she’s unaware of her surroundings and even struggles to remember her own son Andy. On a recent visit despite the fact that she is in hospital the confused state resulted in her telling Andy (as a stranger) that he shouldn’t be in ‘her house’ (The hospital). I truly feel for Andy, he’s doing an amazing Job and thankfully the family are rallying to support him. I don’t go to see Barbara, to her I truly would be a stranger and I fear that even if recognised she’ll suddenly remember about Julie and want to know where she is.. This is a nightmare, I’m so grateful that despite Julie’s cancer being Brain Cancer that she was still in control of her faculties and was familiar with her surroundings until she slipped away, yes the drugs had her hallucinating a little as you’ll recall but in the main she was of sound mind, I’m thankful for that.

So another full weekend completed and I headed to Bolton close to my office for a night at White’s Hotel, with no reason to drive home now as I pass close to my office it seems daft to drive past and then suffer my morning commute.

Back to the house sale and move. So I have accepted an offer and I’m now in limbo land as I wait for the formalities of the sale to go through. In the mean time I’d started house or rather apartment hunting. My criteria were set, I wanted something that had a countryside view, that was close to my office and that I could afford to pay cash for so that I could go mortgage free. Ideally I wanted an apartment, after all it’s just me now but I didn’t want to move from 11 large rooms (yes I’ve got another six in the cellar but they’re not used so I don’t count them) to a glorified cell, I found an apartment with a decking area that ran to the property boundary that happened to be a man-made lake! It seemed perfect, the estate agent’s pictures looked good and the decked area was ‘selling it to me” so I arranged a viewing, as lovely as it was and as appealing as the decked area was it just felt too small, I drove home thinking I need to review my strategy for I’m going to feel like a caged animal in the winter and it brought home just how spacious Shute Manor really is.

The community the apartment is on is relatively new, about five years old, I’ve passed it daily for ten years watching it being built, there are as you’d expect several properties up for sale and a top floor apartment which is some 100 square feet larger is also up for sale. So the day after the viewing the ground floor lakeside apartment I informed the Estate Agents I wouldn’t be putting in an offer as pretty as it seemed. I contacted a second Estate Agency and arranged a viewing of the top floor apartment.

The second apartment I felt totally at home in, light spacious, incredible view from several windows and a Juliet Balcony, an en-suite shower room, yes I wanted it, I told the owner, Aaron that I’d submit an offer the next day and did. Within an hour the offer was accepted, now the clock is well and truly ticking!



Hopefully my new home - What a view