Only The Lonely

Rocking The Wellies

To the younger generation, it’s the title of a Roy Orbison Song from the charts in the 1960s but it's an apt title for this blog edition.

Ok, don’t feel sorry for me, I was asked to continue the blog so people know how I and I suppose others would feel & cope with a bereavement and as with anything I do if I’m doing it, I give you the truth 'warts n all' as the saying goes.

I’m still struggling with my grief since my 60^th birthday on the 8^th August, It’s truly shook me up and yet I truly thought it would be the easiest first anniversary for me to cope with.  My time with Casper in Holland was good but the harsh realisation that I’ll never share another birthday with a smiling Julie continues to haunt me. I can be doing nothing and spontaneously the tears start, I gave examples in the last blog, just over a week on from that and every day events just ‘grab me’, recent events have also made me realise just how lonely life is for me.

I try to fill my time constructively or away from Shute Manor for I am increasingly unhappy in the house. Two weekends ago I saw an ‘appeal’ for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity Ambassadors to cover the prestigious Southport Flower Show, CCC had a marquee there and wanted to inform people about the new hospital  being built in Liverpool, the one I/we have been fundraising for the reclining chairs. I offered my services and I was to be there all day on Sunday, others were on duty Thursday to Saturday and I had help on the Sunday too. 

I took myself off to the show on the Saturday I’d never been before and so by definition Julie hadn’t either but given her love of gardening I cannot believe we never went. The purpose of Saturday’s jaunt was to have a look around but also to find the CCC Marquee location, I didn’t want to just turn up on Sunday not

knowing the form or anything, Saturday like Friday was a miserable day, rain, rain, rain. I often quote one of the useless facts that I store in my head that August is the wettest month of the year, it’s reasonable to think “But its summer” but yes it is apparently the wettest month of the English year… We often have false memories or rose tinted one’s of our childhood school summer holidays where the sun never stopped shining but on reflection I can remember sitting on a warm storage heater staring out of the front window of our Warwickshire home looking at the pouring rain and whining “I’m bored”, lol we never had an iPad in those days we had TV’s with just three channels and in the 60’s these were of course just black and white… Amazing whilst everything else has changed children whining “I’m bored” hasn’t. I’ve digressed! There’s a surprise I hear you say!

The flower show despite the weather was excellent, so many flowers a lot in giant marquees and as the park the show features in has a wide tarmac footpath around it, this wasn’t a bring your wellies job unless you thought it fashionable like one young lady we know at a wedding….

I covered every inch of the flower show and I found the CCC Marquee, it was well sited with the parade ring behind it. Jeni from CCC was manning the stand today, the weather was impacting on the number of visitors but those that had called by were being relatively generous.

Sunday morning and I’m up at stupid O’clock by my weekend standards, I have to meet Jeni at the showground carpark to collect my exhibitors pass by 09.30, it may only be 23 miles away but it’s around an hour’s drive without delays so leaving home at 7.30 I was there comfortably by 09.00. I’d learnt my script, well not so much a script but I was filled with information on Clatterbridge, its many sites, it’s amazing facilities and technology and of course information on the new hospital, the key message is this is an additional site NOT to replace any.

Thankfully today the weather was much improved and whilst you wouldn’t want to have been sunbathing in it, it was warm and sunnier as the day went on; the increase in visitors was plain to see. Myself and the two volunteers who shared the morning and afternoon slots with me were quite pleased with the day. It’s always good to hear others praising Clatterbridge, one couple in particular shared their gratitude, their very young child last year had needed specialist proton beam therapy, so specialist it could only be completed in the USA, they were struggling to get insurance cover and turned to CCC who were able to advise/help. The number of patients too who dropped by to share their gratitude thinking we were employees when we are just patients or relatives like they were.

I can imagine a lot saying “I wouldn’t give up my Sunday” but whilst the NHS services are free to us all how often do we take them for granted? The services, the people? I’d argue most people take the NHS for granted most of the time. I truly feel I owe the NHS & Clatterbridge as a hospital and a Charity Organisation under the hospital’s control an enormous debt of gratitude. No one could have cared for or supported Julie any better than Brian Haylock & his team and the care and compassion in those early days shown by Karen & Louise in the Charity team made a difficult time hell of a lot easier. I’ve become friends; well I consider them friends, with many of the charity team the likes of Debbie, Marie, Sam & Chris all because of Julie and wanting to ‘payback’ a truly un repayable debt of gratitude. Of course Julie had care from other organisations and hospitals for example, the Walton Neuro team, The Walton Centre Clatterbridge team, and I’ll single one of the radiographers, Louise for her kindness and reassurance, she was part of the team who completed Julie’s Stereotactic Radio Surgery and this in particular bought Julie at least a six month time extension. Let’s not forget either the Community (District) Nurse team, our own GP Andy Lee who was able to put Julie at ease, was fast acting and when I needed anything was just a telephone call away. On top of that add in the carers and the support from three other amazing charities namely Macmillan who Julie’s Nurse Jayne was part of, it’s impossible and probably wrong to pick out any individual nurse from the I reckon 50 or so Julie had contact with during her illness including the amazing Ward 26 team at Arrowe Park Hospital, let’s not forget Scunthorpe hospital team too, some amazing Doctors & Nurses but because Jayne was such a support to me in the final days and hours of Julie’s life, whilst I’ll probably never  see Jayne again she holds a special place in my memories. The list goes on too, I’ve not covered off Marie Curie Nurses who did overnight stints with Julie to give me some sleep respite and Wirral’s St John’s Hospice team for whilst Julie never went into the hospice as a patient it was Nursing Director Cathy Lewis Jones who met with Julie & I at the start of her palliative care journey and on top of that, the hospice ran a support team called ‘Hospice at home’,  they would come and sit with Julie so that Maureen could get some respite during the day only an hour or so but with me trying to at least show commitment to my employers Maureen was the mainstay of Julie’s day care from breakfast until I got home from work. I have supported all of these charities in some shape or form be it donations or with ‘Gogglebox’s’ Eve Woerdenweber holding a Macmillan Coffee Morning but above all my loyalties remain deeply entrenched with CCC.  So when you look at this lengthy list of people and the organisations, just how for granted can we easily take our NHS?.... I cannot and so to give up my time is to me a privilege, you may laugh but I wrote to Jeni after the show and thanked her for the opportunity to be part of the team. I’m not saying you don’t but spare a thought for these amazing charities and organisations and if you can’t give your time, how about some money? The NHS funds the backbone of the industry but the add-ons? Well the charities need funding.  Surely you can give one or the other, time or money? Great if you can give both.

So the flower show over and well it’s a long drive home and I’m alone again, even at the show I had to wipe the odd tear away as I shared Julie’s journey with other patients, I’m certain I’m no more sensitive than most, probably just a little less ‘hard’, those that know me and some of my exploits and the challenge to right wrongs at time will know when I need to be ‘no-nonsense’ I truly am.

I got home ran a rare bath and I headed to bed. Talking of beds, without doubt the room everyone loves in the house is ‘The Princess & The Pea Room’ on the top floor, it was my bedroom in the early days of meeting Julie and when she stayed over she would reference my posture sprung mattress to the story of the princess and the pea, me? I was clueless, had never heard of it never having had children of my own. Anyway, she felt the mattress was lumpy but she also agreed it was comfortable. When we had the roof replaced we moved to the green room as our bedroom and the mattress moved down with us.  When the time came we bought a new mattress for the princess and the pea room. No one else complained but Foxy and I often played ‘Musical Beds’, just for the hell of it we would change rooms, well we had them and it was fun and when we went back to the Princess & the pea room I never had a good night’s sleep, that mattress was hell on earth to me.



Winston Moves to the top floor too

After I lost Julie, sleeping in the Green Room was emotionally tough even though she hadn’t slept in the bed since earlier in the year, in fact since April 25^th to be precise. Eventually I decided to move up to the Princess and the Pea room, I haven’t slept well or properly in since I cannot remember when but I’m certain a lot of my sleep problems have been down to that damn mattress. Finally this week I bit the bullet and decided to swap the mattresses, ‘My mattress’ even though its seen better days at 15 years old was heading to the Princess and the pea room, my god, why are mattresses so heavy? I’m no weakling but on my own I struggled to get the mattress up a flight of stairs. Bringing the other down was relatively easy by comparison; our cantilever staircase meant I could lower the mattress down to the next floor. I forewarned Berna my cleaner that the house would be dusty this week.  So I am back on the top floor and for two nights in a row I’ve slept like a baby.

In general and I’ve mentioned this more than once I know but I dislike the house now, not that I’m preparing for an apartment like lifestyle but I truly spend 95% of my time in the bedroom, the other five mainly in the shower or the lounge, Sunday after eight hours on my feet at the Southport Flower Show I indulged my weary feet with a rare bath! The bathroom is beautiful, built and designed for foxy though she only got to use it four times bless her.  I don’t think I ever explained how she ended up with ‘her bathroom’. I came home from work one day and we had been talking about re-modelling the bathroom for ages; one day she announces “I’ve seen my bathroom

Christening Her New bath - Cheers!

today”, I responded really? Where? We’ll have to go and see it” she grinned as she unfolded a piece of paper exposing a picture of her dream bathroom, she’d seen it in a waiting room magazine somewhere and highly unusual for ‘madam’ she had torn the page out to bring it home, I can remember smiling at her cheek, all she did was giggle. I bought the tiles a couple of years before the bathroom was started and about a year after buying them on a trip to Grimsby she saw her dream roll top bath and we ordered it and the accessories then.  Anyway, eventually she got her dream bathroom, I did a lot of the initial work myself but Collette’s partner Andy did the bulk of the finishing work, now it is the jewel in the crown of the estate agent’s picture portfolio, it truly has a wow factor.

 
So I’m sleeping better but I still do not like the house, just yesterday I actually left work at a reasonable hour (6pm) driving home I thought I’d go and eat at New Brighton, so I drove there instead of home, whilst Julie was in hospital last year I’d often drive to New Brighton after I’d left her as visiting time ended and I’d drive down here to watch some amazing sunsets. Tonight there was no sunset but as I parked up facing the Mersey & the Irish Sea I was transfixed by the ever changing view, it has been a warm day and it struck me so many couples were out enjoying a stroll, hands locked, all shapes and sizes, some with dogs, lol some looking like dogs and some with babies. I’ve had this age old expression I often used, yeh it’s cheeky given I’m an ugly sod myself but I’d often make Julie laugh with the cheek of me as I’d utter (from a safe distance) “My god, the sights you see when you haven’t got a gun” or another favourite was “My god, she’s got an ass like an Ant… An elephant!”, it was just my bizarre humour and if my quirky humour offends anyone I apologise, I’ve never deliberately upset anyone but I’ve said it before and it’s true if a woman ever said to me “Does my ass like big in this” expect an honest answer.. That was never the case with Julie most of her life she was a size 12 top and a size 10 in a skirt & she was cute with a capital C.

Seeing all these shape or size or age irrelevant the harsh reality of not being able to do that again with Julie just hit me and so I’m sat in my car tears rolling down my face ultimately turned to sobbing again. I sobbed so much my appetite disappeared! I just sat there watching the sky darken until it was pitch black and around 10.30 I drove home and straight to bed. As I lay there the dawning of how lonely I am hit me, it also occurred to me that visitors to the house to see me and or to stay over since we shot the Clatterbridge Appeal Video just after Julie’s death  were pretty much ZERO. I had three weeks of my good friend and neighbour Corrinna and her two children ‘move in’ as she had a bathroom remodel  but no one comes to visit me, no one. This time last year around 14 people a day were in and out of the house, nurses, carers, Doctors etc. nowadays, it’s an average of ONE, me! A combination of me never being home to make friends, having no friends locally and ‘our friends’ seemingly having abandoned me tied in with family that it seems I have to visit if we are to stay in contact, ladies and gentlemen I can tell you it’s a lonely world after being widowed.