August 8th was my 60th Birthday, I had no desire to be at home for it, I’ve certainly no appetite to party and celebrate. I’d previously discussed the topic in a chat with Casper and he suggested I go over to his place, it made so much sense and yes it felt like I was ‘running away’ from my problems.
I thought I’d been smart I’d kept my forthcoming birthday quiet
at work and the few I thought knew about it knew I was keeping things low key
and taking a few days off so imagine my surprise when I got to my desk on the
Thursday morning to see banners and balloons, having come back from lunch more
and different faces than normally dare venture down to my corner of the office
were gathering, hmm I’ve been stitched up, long standing and newer colleagues
had gone to the trouble of having a collection for me and presenting me with
some beautiful presents, thankfully despite being quite tearful at the moment I
held my composure as I thanked them all and explained why I was being less than
jovial about turning 60, I explained as we have so many new faces that it’s
been a tough year for me and it’s not really appropriate for me to celebrate in
my usual jovial style, it’s nice they took the trouble to remember and as I left
with my arms full at the end of the day I recalled celebrating my 50th
Birthday here too those were happier times.
I decided to use this trip to see Casper as an opportunity to go visit my
Mother, Maureen and as she lives not ten minutes from Birmingham Airport I
would fly out of there, the added bonus was I could use her driveway, avoid airport
car parking fees and just jump cabs there and back, In hindsight booking an
06.00 flight wasn’t my smartest move and with increased security these days you
can no longer do a last minute dash and so I left Maureen’s at 04.00.. I groan
now as I recall the lack of sleep…
Friday 5th August I arrived at Maureen’s, it’s so
good to see her and I hope reassuring too. Things were tough and strained at
times as we both cared for Julie and as the weeks rolled on and Julie’s time
with us diminished there were moments of tension between Mum and I. One evening
I was summonsed to her bedroom where she had a list of things that she wasn’t
happy about and she needed to share them with me and amongst that she expressed
“You’ll forget about me when this is all over”, the raw emotion brought us both
to tears but I reassured her I’ll never forget her, that I’d visit regularly
and that I owed her an unrepayable debt of gratitude for everything she had
done for Julie and for me. Maureen moving up and in for around five months
meant I could continue to work and thereby keep the roof over our heads, her
nursing of Julie was admirable, the district Nurse team and the carers had the
utmost respect for the amazing level of care Julie was getting, mainly from
Maureen, some from me and of course many valued friends. Had I not had this
degree of support I would have quit my job, Julie was my world and I would not
have allowed her to be at home alone, vulnerable, frightened, scared and I needed to be with her as much as I could be. I know
there would have been significant financial consequences to giving up my job
and I truly feel for those in such a dilemma.. I would add though if this is
the situation you are in, talk to Macmillan Cancer they can and do offer
financial support in some instances/circumstances. So, back to mother, there is
no way I’ll ever forget her. She had a few jobs she needed doing and I’d
brought down Julie’s laser printer that she used to produce her greetings cards
on. The office grade printer produced in amazing quality & Maureen was
stunned at the difference in the colours versus her own laser printer, as Julie and Maureen were ‘partners
in crime’ in producing Decoupage greetings cards, I’m glad the printer was
going to the perfect home. This thing though weighs a ton; I slid it down the
three flights of stairs on a plank of wood and wheeled it to my car on a heavy duty trolley and
at Maureen’s, neighbour Dan kindly gave me a hand getting it up the stairs.
My Niece Amanda & husband Phillip popped around, we shot
out for a swift pint and then my bed beckoned. I was up at 03.30 and at 04.00
the taxi arrived and I was airport bound. A forty five minute flight into
Amsterdam where the trip to the to the arrivals gate seems to take almost the
same length of time, it’s a huge airport but once in the terminal building,
it’s light, bright and filled with gadgets, travellators and the likes. What I
like about Schiphol too is there is a railway station under the concourse, if
you’re visiting Amsterdam it’s the cheapest and easiest route into the city
centre, cabs are expensive. Usually Casper picks me up however security is
increased at European Airports currently and Schiphol is no exception. I told
Casper I’d get a train down to Rotterdam as it would save both time and
inconvenience.
Jumping on the nearly empty train, was giving me time to
reflect that this is my first birthday without Julie, as I’m 60 had she been
here she would have plotted and schemed to give me a birthday to remember,
sadly my main memory is going to be of the loneliness, the loneliness that seems to haunt me daily now. So much is
happening, the family birthdays, our wedding anniversary, Julie’s birthday, all
in around a five week window of time. I truly feel my emotions are taking a
battering, so many times lately as I’ve laid in bed, having just removed the
chain from around my neck holding our wedding rings that I entrust Winston with
nightly, so many nights recently I’ve hugged that bear to sleep, a sixty year
old guy confessing to hugging a teddy bear.. He knows all of Julie’s secrets;
he watched her cry and now he’s witnessing my tears. At times I truly struggle
with the loss of Julie. People say “Be kind to yourself”, “you’re expecting too
much of yourself”, “give yourself time to grieve”, “there is no time scale on
grief”, on that last point I fully agree. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m no
doom and gloom merchant, I stay as positive as I can but at times the grief
still just leaps out at me from nowhere, I can read something at work and I
feel my eyes well up, I sit in an open plan office with colleagues sat close by,
invariably I duck my head to PC screen level, or I just dab my eyes with a
tissue and hope I can hold it together, just this morning (16th
August) I had to make a hasty trip to the office loos where thankfully alone I
sobbed in a heartbroken way, it just came from nowhere. Last night on my way
home as I came through the Wallasey Mersey Tunnel, I saw blue lights bouncing
around in my rear view mirror, as I exited the tunnel I could see it was an
ambulance, the lane in front of me the tunnel team had the barrier up and a
tunnel Police officer guarding the open lane ready for the ambulance, I’d moved
left to be out of its way anyway and as my tunnel tag kicked in and my barrier
lifted the ambulance was alongside me for a few seconds, not for the first time
I just spontaneously sobbed, I wasn’t just crying I was sobbing, the last time
I sobbed like this was as the funeral directors waited to remove Julie from
Shute Manor, this is absolute madness and I need to get a grip of myself but
for whatever reason my 60th Birthday has triggered fresh raw emotion
in me.
I’m jumping ahead, sharing yesterdays & today’s events
and blog wise I’m still on the train heading towards Rotterdam & Casper.
I sent Casper a text explaining I’m fifteen minutes away, on
arrival I exited the building and looked for the pick-up and drop off zone
sweetly named the ‘Kiss and Ride’ zone… To
inject some humour, I had no intentions of kissing the big man, that would have
been Julie’s department in the day..
We were soon heading to Casper’s tenth floor apartment with
amazing views of parkland and Rotterdam in his Tesla all electric car. Holland
seems so geared up to electric cars with charging points pretty much in every
car park you stop in and despite my travels here I think I’ve seen around 10
Tesla’s in the UK and probably over 100 in the Netherlands. For a car the size of a Jaguar Saloon it has the acceleration of the animal,
the only down side I’ve seen whilst in the Tesla is they’re so silent that
pedestrians do not realise they are there at times.
Casper knew I was escaping from any potential party or
raucous celebrations and that I wanted a relatively quiet time, we are both
pretty deep at times and whilst when the mood suits we can talk for our
respective countries we can also just sit in silence. All the same he’s arranged a few things but
nothing on the scale of a party.
Saturday afternoon after I’d taken a power nap, gone are the
days of being up all night or not going to sleep and partying like a ten year
old, I’m 60 now you know haha… After a refreshing shower we headed out to see
Casper’s Mother & Father at their apartment. Apartment living seems far
more popular than in the UK though it seems to be becoming more popular in
areas like Liverpool where riverside former tobacco warehouses are converted into
luxurious apartments. They are a charming couple and unlike us ‘lazy English’
are fluent in at least a second language and luckily for me that’s English. In
the evening we dined out with friends and had a lovely evening, no fuss just
dinner and great conversation and excellent food. We arrived back at Casper’s
and sat out on his 10th floor balcony supping malt whisky &
watching the night sky, in the distance we witnessed a couple of shooting
stars, this is the perseid meteor shower week and thankfully the night sky
lacks the light pollution of home, As I gazed and thought to myself, is this
Julie’s way of saying “I’m up here & I’m having fun”.. It’s stupid I know
but we are born and brought up to believe in the man in the moon and that our
loved ones are the bright twinkling stars..
As I got into bed I looked on my ipad at some of the pictures, Julie is
never far away from me, that gorgeous smile, that beautiful dress sense…
Sunday Morning we are both late risers and chatted over
breakfast, One of Casper’s friends Harold has a boat and we are heading out on
it this afternoon. In the Netherlands you are never far from water and Harold’s
garden boundary is a stretch of water, I think we’d all class it as a canal.
Harold’s family were amazingly kind and nine of us were soon on the boat,
heading past some of the most beautiful properties I’ve ever seen. This is
tranquillity, there are no cars about, no roads, as I sipped
a glass of
Champers I slipped into my own world momentarily as I remembered the Canal boat
trips Julie & I did with Aaron & Vicky right at the start of her
illness, we had such fun and it was our first chance to truly bond with Vicky.
Two of the children with us despite it not being the hottest of days decided
they wanted to ride on a floatation device being pulled on the boat, we were in
hysterics as they tried to stand up on it so many times only to lose their
balance. Finally mastering the art this progressed to trying to complete the
task on one leg, ha, the inevitable happened and the girls landed fully in the
water more than once but they were loving it and it
was nice to be amongst
great people and to just absorb the casual atmosphere. We approached a
windmill, well it is Holland and no visit would be complete without seeing a
Windmill, again so peaceful but so majestic. This was our turning point, it was
probably a couple of hours since we had casted off and we were heading back the
way we came. Getting back on shore at Harold’s we passed the evening away with
more wine & a BBQ, evenings when you do not want to party do not get much
better than this. I actually drank more than Casper, he was after all driving,
back at the apartment and as we watched the night sky again it was soon gone
two a.m.
 |
| A tenth floor balcony view |
Monday morning and well I am now 60, groan…. Thankfully I
still feel like I’m in my 30’s. when I woke I lay there with the dawning
reality of the event with no foxy to giggle and to give me daft gifts but gifts
I would have treasured forever… thankfully I’ve got those from previous years
at home, from the name plate on the house, to the frog prince in the garden, to
some of the sweeter gifts, a scrap book she had started for example. Again the
tears appear. Julie asked why her as we knew her battle was futile and today
I’m asking the same question, why oh why were you taken from me, we
both
deserved better than ‘this’… I wiped the tears away and knew I had to put in an
appearance. Casper had taken the day off and after some toast we headed to meet
our friends of Saturday night and we were to do a boat tour of Rotterdam Port,
this is an immense marine industrialised area, so fascinating. Off the boat and
we headed to a nearby restaurant for a delicious lunch before heading home and
grabbing another power nap before tonight’s activities.
 |
| Taking your car with you.. |
I knew tonight was
going to be relatively peaceful I knew we were head to the Hotel New York down
in the Rotterdam Port, Casper & I had grabbed a coffee in there earlier
this year and Casper has dined here on a couple of occasions in their basement
restaurant. This place is special. Joined by four friends including Harold.
Casper had declared at lunch time as I grabbed the lunch time tab “Tonight
Shutey your money
is no good!” we laughed, I know there is no arguing with my dear
friend when his mind is made up.
Tonight’s meal was beyond outstanding; I’ll go as far as saying this was
the best meal of my life. A five course surprise collection of food was
presented and explained to us by an equally outstanding team, each course came
with a chosen wine that the Sommelier (Wine
waiter to the uninitiated) knew like family members, tonight was special in the
quietest kind of way. Julie was constantly in my thoughts more so during any
lapses in conversation and when I got home, five glasses of wine plus earlier
beers may have been numbing my senses helped me slip off to sleep as I clutched our wedding jewellery, the tear
drops were rolling off my cheeks onto my pillow, I’m feeling guilty for not
visiting Julie at her resting place, eventually I dropped off. I’ve never been
one for dreaming but tonight I kind of hoped I’d be joined by Julie, truth be
told I was exhausted.
Tuesday and Casper and one of his fellow Directors had a
business meeting in a city called Breda, they dropped me off and I wandered the
old style shopping centre for a couple of hours, I see dress shops and I see
some beautiful women in the town, of course all bring my focus back to Julie. I
sat in a café that specialised in hot chocolates and again the tears were out,
something has triggered my grief, it can only be turning 60 and I truly thought
this would be the easiest ‘first’ to overcome, how wrong am I?
Business meeting over and I’m dropped off at Rotterdam
Central for my short train jaunt to Schiphol airport and my journey back to
Birmingham and to mum’s, I’m not stopping tonight I’m back at work tomorrow so
a quick coffee, chat and a hug goodbye and I’m homeward bound. Around 11pm I
walk through the door of Shute Manor, I truly do not like being here now, In
the lounge there are a few surprises from Corrinna, Cedella & Kymani
including a helium filled balloon, it’s so sweet of them,
I need my bed, it’s been a long day, a quick shower,
unpacking my laundry and putting the washing machine on and I’m crawling into
my bed, my bed that was ‘our bed’ that Winston guards over, It’s both sad and
comforting to see that bear, he’s soon wearing my chain and our wedding
jewellery as I drift off, tomorrow it’s another day and back to normal whatever
normal is these days.
Work is busy & it’s like I’ve never been away, yep back
to normality. That said on top of the couple of events I’ve already described about
this last week a couple of significant events that have me now querying myself
and whether I can pull myself out of this tearful cycle, I’ve actually gone as
far as finding the bereavement counselling website of the charity Cruse.
I spent the weekend at the house, I cannot even call it home
now, Saturday morning I was up early as Virgin media were coming to sort out
the faulty box in the Princess & Pea room, not that I’m using it as I'm back
in the green room. I ventured out to see Jen and the girls at Barberannes, I’ve
not seen Jen for several weeks and thankfully this time although there is a
stream of clients we got to chat a little, I was amazed I held it together with
my current teary state. I had to brave the Mersey tunnel, my cleaner loved a
floor shine I bought from Costco but with a lot of Costco products they are
seasonally in and out and they don’t stock it any more, thankfully I knew Lakeland
stock it and I was in and out of their Liverpool One store and back home in 15
minutes. I slept the afternoon away, I’m not sleeping well either. Saturday
night I thought move your ass and go eat, I went down to Blackberry grove at New
Brighton where I feel at home with the team and as ‘billy no mates’ just blend
in to the background to people watch.
Sunday and I really cannot be arsed (excuse my French) to
even get out of bed, why should I? What am I going to do, go downstairs and
feel sorry for me down there? Berna, my cleaner and I had swapped a few
messages and upon telling her I can’t be bothered she reminded me a boot liner
that
has been cluttering up the dining room since the day before Julie’s funeral, it was still
there and it needed sorting out. Once showered dressed and downstairs I find my
motivation mojo and got stuck into the boot liner I tidied up the packing boxes
I’ve started to fill. There was also a box of Julie’s drugs still here and more
in the bureaux in the hallway, I really should have disposed of them months, in
fact almost a year ago but it was another job I’ve kept putting off and putting
off. There’s over a litre of liquid morphine, there is Lorazepam both
controlled drugs, both capable of killing anyone who dreamt over overdosing on
them, STOP with that thought, weepy I may be, suicidal I am NOT, my life is for living it's what I want & I know what Julie would want! It’s not right
that they’re in the house though and well to the inexperienced please do not
just throw drugs in a bin or pour liquid medicines down the sink or drain, take any
unused drugs to your local pharmacy for them to arrange the destruction of,
always better safe than sorry.. So on Monday this week I brought them in to
work and one of our pharmacists took them off me for destruction. It was though
another sad task, sad but necessary though, another task completed on my road
to recovering from the loss of my princess.
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