And Winston Came Too

This was the week I’d been dreading; 9^th of September 2015 03.20 in the morning is burnt into my brain like being branded. I’ll never forget that moment, the physical pain and the anguish tinged with the sense of relief that Julie’s suffering was finally over, little did I realise that mine would continue for at least a full year. Of course I expected to feel the pain and anguish for some time certainly to beyond Julie’s funeral but naively I thought I’d be able to start rebuilding my life with the finality a funeral brings, how wrong was I?

I Started to write this blog edition on 5^th of September 2016, many of you will say “well you’ve tried to move on” and given my honest feedback on trying to date it’s fair to say I have tried to move on, maybe some would say “too soon Andy”. I’ve not looked for a book on grief and how to cope with it, I don’t know if any exist, given the apparent popularity of this blog (as of writing 97,000 reads) maybe this is as close to one that exists? Its real time and it’s heartfelt and brutally honest and I hope it helps others understand.

Other parts of trying to move on include putting the house on the market and recent reads will confirm that isn’t going well, I’m now resigned to being stuck in the house until the spring of 2017, in itself that’s a depressing thought but I am not giving the house away.

Part of my coping strategy, if that’s what it is/was is avoiding the house at weekends; it’s incredible to think that I’ve been away from the house for 44 out of 52 weekends since Julie left me, my bank manager would probably say "Yep, I can believe it"!

The weekend just gone I was invited up to Seahouses in the North East of England, much further north and you’d be in Scotland. Northumberland is a beautiful county

Bamburgh Castle

and home to some amazing Castles, close by Seahouses is Bamburgh Castle and not far away is Alnwick Castle where parts of the Harry Potter Movie ‘franchise’ was filmed. On our last visit three years ago Julie had a really fun day here, not because she had a love of castles but she loved the ambience, the gardens, the costumes and the company of being with dear friends Vince & Denise, this weekend it is just Vince, Denise & myself but obviously in a nice way Julie continued to come into the conversation. We had an excellent weekend and of course these are sweet memories of those happier days.

Julie slipped away from us in the early hours of 9th September which was a Wednesday, with the leap year this year the 9^th is on a Friday and yes I’ll be heading back for a 'reunion'.

It’s been a strange week nothing stranger than this coincidence. On Wednesday, so twelve months to the day I received a call from Julie’s brother Andy, I’d previously explained that Julie’s dad hasn’t been well fighting Cancer himself. Today of all days it was broken to him that there was nothing else that could be done for him by his hospital medical team, I understand he took the news stoically stating he’d had a good innings, deep down I believe he was relieved and just wanted to be reunited with Julie, Andy was making all the necessary arrangements to get his dad home for his final few days so that he could have his faithful springer spaniel with him, let’s face it I don’t think any of us want to end our days in a hospital bed unless it cannot be helped, this news just makes a sad week even sadder though.

 I’ve managed to book a caravan at the wonderful White Cross Bay again, my initial plan was to drive up on the Friday Morning, visit Julie then go check in however I kept being drawn to wanting to be with her at the exact time of her leaving me, I know, it’s irrational. Also I could only book the Caravan from the Friday, I looked for hotels but man can the Lake District Hotels and B&B’s charge?! I was finding nothing for less than £150 for the night, it’s supply and demand in this inland resort area, I suppose I’d do the same myself in their shoes, all the same I’m not paying that, (famous last words!).

The more I thought about it the more I felt I should drive up on the Thursday night after work; it’s illogical to drive Bolton to Birkenhead and then back up in the same direction to get to the Lake District. Wednesday night I filled my suitcase and Thursday morning I loaded up the car, I would go up straight after work, “I’ll sleep in the car in the lane” I thought to myself….

After a full day at the office I’m Lake District bound, the weather is appalling, it’s absolutely throwing it down!  As I neared Windermere around 9pm I was rethinking my stupidity of wanting to sleep in the car what if I need the loo, it’s not going to be warm and it’s sure as hell going to be wet. As if by magic as I approached Windermere the car took over my subconscious and steered me down into Windermere, I drove slowly past all of the B&B’s and hotels, nothing but ‘No Vacancy signs’, this is crackers I thought. Eventually I found a B&B with a vacancies sign up so rather than get drowned in the lashing rain I called the number on the sign, I was staggered to be quoted £120. Ladies and gentleman Dick Turpin is alive and well and living in Windermere! Sorry, but I’m not paying that for a B&B! I drove on past White Cross Bay and Julie’s field, the bottom gate was still wide open and in my head I said “I’ll be back soon hunny”. I drove into Ambleside I have to find a reasonably priced B&B here surely? Slowly I drove through the town to no avail, this is madness. One last opportunity or I really will be sleeping in the car. I pulled up outside the Best Western Salutation Hotel and called them.

Me: “Hi do you have a room for one available for tonight?”

Receptionist: “Let me check…. Yes I’ve got a twin room available and I can do that for you at £140”

I was so tempted to say “No, you cannot”  instead I asked if there was room to manoeuvre on the price as it was pushing ten o’clock at night, simply put if I don’t take the room tonight it’s lost revenue. The best I got was breakfast thrown in. Reluctantly I said I’d take the room, the receptionist realising the hour asked how far away was I? “Ooooh about twenty feet” she laughed and said “White Car? Oh yes I can see you now". One of her colleagues came out and showed me into the tightest parking space ever so parked up me, my cases and most importantly Winston came in with me. I must look a pillock checking into a hotel as a 60 year old clutching his teddy but you know what? I do not care.

I checked in headed to my top floor room that would reveal an amazing view and landscape in the morning and headed to the bar for a drink. My resolve was broken and I knew I wasn’t going to be getting up at 03.00. Returning to my bed I did my usual of crashing out with the TV still on, I’d got Winston in my arms..

It’s officially Friday 9^th of September and I hold Winston reflecting on a year ago, has it really been a year? So much has happened but then again so little has changed either….

I looked out of the mock sash windows, the view was stunning.  From its high position

above the road and two storeys up my room view was over the roof tops and to the hills beyond, some views are priceless, this one cost me £140…

The good thing was the rain had disappeared and the sky was getting brighter, it was like it had been ordered for me. I thought I’d grab my hearty breakfast, I couldn’t quite eat £140 worth of food but I did my best, I can miss lunch and dinner I thought.

Breakfast done and I loaded up the car and checked out, it was time to visit Julie.  Driving back towards Windermere the Low Wood bay Hotel is having what appears to 

Poor Cats hahaha

be an extra access road built and it’s resulted in temporary traffic lights as the road is being dug up too. As I approached the road works I laughed at this sign, I’ll have to go back later and grab a picture I thought. Foxy would have giggled at this.

I turned up Holbeck Lane glancing through the open gate as I did, it looks lush. I got to my usual parking spot, near the sawn off tree trunk, I think this is my first visit on a weekday and I cannot believe the volume of traffic, at one point two huge tractors and trailers were filling the road there were taxis I assume heading to and from the hotel just up the hill, eventually the gridlock eased and it was just me and Foxy. First I wandered to the field gate, this time it was firmly locked. The area was soaked so today I just gazed into the field, as  I leant on the gate I said “a year ago today hunny you left me, you slipped away from us all, it’s so not fair, so not fair, I’ll never forget you and I’ll never abandon you but I’m struggling with visiting on all of the anniversaries, it’s so painful” I went on to

explain “Hunny, it’s so sad but you and your dad will be together again soon, he’s got days to live, he misses you so much too, I feel he gave up when he lost you and his cancer is about to beat him hunny, no one wants to see or hear of someone dying but I know he won’t find peace until you’re reunited” by now my tears are running down my cheeks. I sat on the sawn off tree trunk clutching Winston just taking in this amazing landscape and recalling the last year, moving on just isn’t easy.  Its Winston’s second visit, of course he was here the day we scattered Julie’s ashes too.  I started to take a few pictures and I sat him on the tree trunk to free up my hands, it was crazy but it looked like he was having a moment of solace and reflection as he gazed out over the field and on to Windermere and beyond. It’s crazy, it’s a teddy bear, admittedly a very special bear but how can this scene bring out so much emotion?

These visits are emotionally draining and for now I’m drained, I need to go and check into the caravan. I lugged all my gear in and sat on the sofa in the lounge, I went from sitting to lying to sleeping in minutes.

I woke late afternoon, I shook myself into action before driving down to Windermere for a late lunch/early tea. A short drive up to Booth’s Supermarket and I bought some bare essentials to eat & drink.

Back to the caravan to chill for the evening, I’m still struggling with going out for a drink on my own or for a meal on my own, I feel awkward as ‘billy no mates’… 

Saturday I woke up and thought I’d drive out and around to Chester’s on The River again, but first I dropped into the garden centre in Ambleside, if you’re new to the area it’s well worth a wander around, I bought a fuschia, I had plans for the hole in the middle of the tree trunk by Foxy’s resting place. Next stop was Chester’s,  I so love the tranquillity of the running water here dancing over the so smooth stones, years of water running over sharp rocks that gradually lose their sharp edges, nature is a wonderful thing.

 I thought I’d drive back into Windermere but ‘the scenic route’ that makes me smile, every route around here is scenic but I’m going to drive past Beatrix Potter’s Cottage

and then take the ferry over the lake. I drove down past another of the Lake District’s lakes, not huge but so pretty is Esthwaite Water, I pulled into the carpark and took in the views, the tranquillity just hits you. This is a fishery too so I wandered over to the fishery shop just to check it out walking past a mooring with some rowing boats. I hadn’t realised that you could hire the boats and also you can hire fishing tackle and buy bait. I’ve not fished in years, I spoke with the gentleman in charge and he explained all of the options, to hire a boat with an outboard motor and all of the tackle and licences thrown in £43 for the day. I quickly checked the weather forecast for the next day and with no sign of rain so I booked for tomorrow & so  Sunday I’m going fishing, a new experience for I’ve never fished off a boat inland before.

The weather was gorgeous as I headed through Near Sawrey, the ‘home’ of Beatrix Potter’s cottage, you could easily believe you’d found a lush green part of Asia for Beatrix Potter is revered by the Japanese and it’s almost a pilgrimage to visit Near Sawrey. It’s just three miles then to the ferry. Things have changed since my last visit/journey for you always paid on the boat, now you have to buy a ticket from a machine before you board.

I enjoy this oh so short trip as you glide across the lake before hitting the tarmac and 

The Ferry

driving off, Windermere is heaving as ever especially by the cruisers, Julie just loved it around here. It’s still a beautiful day but that was soon going to change. I got back to the caravan and you could feel a change in the air, as I sprawled out on the sofa TV on suddenly the heavens opened, it absolutely hammered it down and there was no stopping it.

Call me ‘lucky’ (not), for I decided I’d go to the cinema in Ambleside this evening, also I needed to eat. I showered and changed and headed through the caravan door and quickly stopped on the top step, before me was a mini flood and the front of the car was in it! With a bit of gymnastics I managed to keep my feet dry, bizarrely it was just my caravan that had attracted the mini flood, it was just the lie of the land. Again I drove down past Julie’s field into a very wet looking Ambleside, eventually I found a parking spot, grabbed my brolly and wandered down to Zeffirelli’s to see what time the Matt Damon Bourne movie.  It turned out it was on at their ‘In the park’ Cinema which is just down the road but for me in this lousy weather it’s just that bit too far. I thought I’d walk down to the Chinese restaurant that we all went to the night of scattering Julie’s ashes, my luck continued! Closed! I could see inside that workmen were laying tiles on the floor. Next door was a burger bar so drowned rat like I wandered into there. With not many tables occupied I had a choice and one was close to a mock open fire on the wall, at least I’d be warm and dry. The meal was ok but in all honesty I won’t rush back.

Returning to my car the rain had stopped at last! I drove out of town back past my new favourite road sign and then up Holbeck lane, it was pitch black, the joy of the lakes is the absence of mass street lights. The benefit is the night sky when not covered in clouds is stunning. Tonight the radio was off, the car lights and engine off too, just total silence with the occasional hum of the odd car passing the bottom of the field. I reached for the fuchsia plant and a bottle of mineral water. I tapped the plant out of its pot and ensuring there was sufficient support under the plant I pressed the roots covered in soil into the hole in the middle of the trunk. The Fuchsia is hardy and I’m certain it will thrive in its location and survive the winters. The rotted wood surrounding it is permanently damp so the plants roots can feed from that as well as the rain showers.

Having been here some time now my eyes have  adjusted to the dark and I can barely believe my eyes, down the field Is ‘The deer’, as in I’d like to think the same one I photographed a couple of weeks ago in the adjacent field! She was grazing, raising her head and looking around, I coughed and her head was up and she sprung up towards the wall out of sight, I was cursing myself but a couple of minutes later as I sat there reflecting she came back into view about forty feet away. It’s such a good feeling to think nature is so close and kind to Julie, she truly would have loved this evening were she alive and here with me. This really is the perfect spot. A car came up the lane and that was enough to spook the deer and for now she was gone. As the darkness returned I spoke to Foxy, how fantastic she has a deer to keep her company, how she now has her own fuchsia bush and how I hoped nobody would decide to take it home with them. I’m pleased to report a couple of weeks on dear friends Vince & Denise who have grabbed a break in the lakes have confirmed it’s still there and they’ve kindly sprinkled some wild meadow flower seeds into the field in the hope they’ll flower in the spring.

Sunday and the sun is out it’s like yesterday’s rain had never happened; the mini flood/lake outside the caravan was gone.  The weather looks perfect for my fishing

adventure. Filling my rucksack with my day’s supplies and camera I set off for Elsthwaite Water. I quickly paid for the boat tackle rod licence and for some bait and I’m soon casting off. The view is stunning, the tranquillity is beyond words. As I steered the boat down the lake the views were simply awesome. Somehow the view is different from the water than from the shore. I was amazed by the strength of the wind though I barely noticed it, it was more like a gentle breeze, I only noticed it for with the outboard motor turned off I was amazed how far the boat had drifted. Well five hours later I hadn’t caught anything except a lot of photographs but I felt so relaxed afterwards it was serene.

Another drive and ferry trip across Lake Windermere I thought I’d travel up to Julie’s field again to see if the Fuchsia was still there and I wanted to see it in daylight. The

view was stunning as the sun shone down… I said my goodbyes and I gently sobbed as I explained I need to break this cycle of anniversary visits, “I promise I won’t ever forget or desert you hunny but for my own sanity I need to cut down on my visits”.. It’s the heart-breaking reality of needing to move on; I truly don’t know when I will return…

 

 

 

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Robert (Bob) Suddaby who sadly lost his battle with cancer on Saturday 17th September 2016, finally reunited with his loving daughter.... R.I.P.

 

 

  

 

Talking To The Moon

 

Following on from the last blog, as it’s warts and all I am still fighting the loneliness, I know the solution lies in moving on and that can only happen once the house is sold and I move, it looks like that’s going to be a long haul now as the supposed buyer has gone ‘elusive’.

 I’ve not seriously looked to 'date' since January, there is no point in looking for romance locally, the women who could keep me local are just a pipe dream to me that will never happen and so having set my mind up to move I also took down my profiles off the major dating sites for I need to find the next woman of my dreams (if she even exists) nearer my supposed new apartment, there is someone I have feelings for but at this point we are just friends, no not ‘friends with benefits’, purely friends, who knows In the future I may be sharing details of this wonder lady but for now this is far off and below is the reality of my life after Foxy…

A bank holiday weekend beckons and I am not spending the weekend in the house, no way, it’s not happening. All week I’ve been looking for hotels in the lake district but it’s a bit like Bethlehem must have been on that famous biblical night as in “there’s no room at the Inn” or stable if it comes to it! The few that were available were priced ridiculously at over £150 - £300 a night. Friday I started searching for cottages but this would mean a three night stay instead of just the two I wanted. Cottages are scarce too! The Lake District around Windermere is an inland resort and it’s clearly going to be busy this weekend.

Finally, I stumbled upon a reasonably priced one bedroomed apartment; I’ve used ‘Heart of The Lakes’ for a cottage before and the friendly team took my booking over the phone. I could relax now for my weekend is sorted. It would have been nice to go somewhere else but in the absence of that the comfort of the lakes and ‘visiting Julie’ was drawing me even though I’ll be back within two weeks as the first anniversary of losing Julie arrives, It’s scary, where has the time gone? It’s also bizarre in some aspects for when my father passed away the week after his cremation service my mother asked me to take her down to the crematorium where she had Dad’s ashes scattered in their garden of remembrance. I parked up and as she went to get out of the car she was inferring I go with her, I had no desire to, I explained I didn’t need to come here to visit Dad’s ashes to remember him and I waited in the car for her. I think of my Dad daily, always have but I’ve never had the urge to revisit the crematorium yet I struggled over not going to ‘see Julie’ on my 60^th Birthday, as you’ll know I’ve been for every other anniversary and currently I feel I cannot just ‘abandon her’ to the occasional visit yet but whilst there, it is heart breaking. I know IF I ever get into another relationship then I am going to have to distance myself, future potential dates need to know that I am not forever  living in the past.

Within twenty minutes of booking my Ambleside Apartment I received a text message off my dear friend Vince inviting me up to County Durham for the weekend, with the apartment paid for in full I cannot change my plans now so I’m scheduled for a visit to them this coming weekend, the weekend after I am back in the Lake District….

Today (Friday) as I’d not anticipated getting away for the weekend I hadn’t packed my case and my stay in the lakes was from Saturday night for three nights anyway so it’s back to Shute Manor this evening, I really dislike the place now.

Saturday 27^th August and I’m Lake District bound, today it’s a leisurely drive and the weather is gorgeous. I arrived around noon, I drove past Julie’s resting place, the bottom gate was open and it looked like it had been mowed, “Interesting” I thought. Once settled in I’ll be heading back to the top of the hill and field, meanwhile I collected my apartment key and drove into a very busy Ambleside. I’d read the directions and set off the mile down the road. Ambleside is pretty much a one way system town  and the road my apartment was in was quite literally fifty yards from the town centre yet on pulling up the tranquillity and the view struck me, it seems I’ve found the best of both worlds.

The apartment is ‘compact’, it’s well equipped but slightly smaller than the first apartment I went to view myself recently but it’s ample for this weekend.

Settled in I drove back to Julie’s resting place, the field had been mown however the area where Julie’s ashes are scattered remains untouched still covered in nettles and thistles, spooky… After a couple of minutes of taking in the view, Lake Windermere in front of me, Wray Castle peeping over the treeline, I strolled the few feet to the field gate and leant on it again to take in the gorgeous view. The gate just opened, someone has been through it since my last visit for I’m fastidious in checking the gate is securely locked. There is no flattening of the thistles that continue to dominate and protect the area though. There is the ‘path’ that I’ve previously trodden so I wandered in closing the gate behind me; I am a creature of countryside habits.

With autumn approaching most of the beautiful flowers in the area have disappeared, the plant’s pollen long gone, taken by the honey bees that visit, the thistle heads are

the few longer lasting flowers, their purple heads a perfect contrast to the surrounding greenery, there are still a lot of bees about, I saw numerous wasps too, they should be dying off soon and that’s when they’re at their most dangerous as they become ‘dopey’.  I saw a spider building a giant web between some of the thistles, thinking Julie would have ran a mile, she hated spiders, I mean hated. A butterfly flew over and I watched its bright colours zig zag across the sky as it headed towards a distant tree, this is so tranquil and perfect a spot.

I started to update Julie on all of the news, yes I talk out loud in a soft voice, the tears flow as always, I told her about the apartment, “If you’re here, come back with me” I said between my sobs, It’s irrational I know, but this is grief, I apologised for not being here for my birthday, I explained about spending it with Casper in Rotterdam, I explained about my kind work colleagues. An hour had passed and I said my goodbyes, I explained I’d be back before I leave on Tuesday.

I drove into Windermere, first I went to Lakeland, a small family business that has expanded into a huge UK retailer with a beautiful modern head office and retail unit. On our last visit here with Vince & Denise we dined here before we went on to our hotel. Julie loved Lakeland, I needed to get some more shiny floor stuff for the house/my cleaner, how I ended up spending £40 on ‘stuff’ I’ll never know but when I sent a picture to Berna (my cleaner), she was ecstatic, like Julie it seems she is easily pleased, who gets excited over cleaning stuff? Not I!

Next stop was to Booths supermarket to buy enough fresh food to see me through the ‘weekend’, I enjoy dining out but with company, I feel the eyes of the world are upon me if I dine out alone, I can imagine the comments “look at Billy No Mates there”, not knowing my personal circumstances. With no one to focus attention on if I dine alone I also people watch and invariably seeing so many couples about holding hands just adds to my agony. I’m in no man’s land still, I’ve no desire to throw myself fully into trying to start a new relationship but I ‘need’ friendship and companionship, alone I have too much time to think and dwell on my past and on my current loneliness and unhappiness. I’ve wined and dined several women but no one is offering a glimpse of encouragement, too often I’ve heard the words “you're lovely & you’ll find somebody Andy” but that’s fairly blunt code for “but It won’t be me Andy” good enough for dinner but not to consider exploring if there is a long term chemistry.

Back to the apartment and I load the refrigerator, I’ve bought three bottles of wine; don’t worry I’ve not turned into an Alcoholic but I cannot remember the last time I was drunk, I know it’s the ‘done thing’ these days for the younger generation to down a bottle of vodka before they go out to party and drink even more but for once I actually feel like I want to drink to excess! I’m in the town centre I can walk and I can sleep off the after effects the next morning, after all I’ve only myself to worry about. I can hear the concern already upon you reading this, for your assurance three days on and my alcohol consumption for the weekend was a single bottle of beer and two glasses of wine, some drinker me uh? When I came face to face with it the mood had passed me over.

I wandered back into town and Zeffirellis Cinema also a bistro and coffee shop is literally 50 yards from my front door. I sat outside enjoying the sun and a coffee. The view across the roof tops is beautiful, the views on the pavement walking by make me feel old and unloved again, watching others strolling along hand in hand, how can something so normal be so upsetting? I don’t know either.

I purchased enough food to enable me to have breakfast and dinner ‘at home’, many of you won’t know that I am a fully qualified chef though I’ve not worked in the catering trade for almost a lifetime so yes I can cook and fend for myself, I’m conscious the number of times I’ve discussed dining out could lead you to think that’s all I do, despite my portly waistline I do cook myself. This weekend I’m going low maintenance as in Bacon or Sausage sandwiches for Breakfast and some freshly made beef & caramelised onion burgers for one of the nights, lord knows what I’ll do on the other two..

 

 

Sunday I drove into Grasmere, the village where Julie and I stayed on our last ever Lake District journey together when we went up with Vince & Denise for the weekend. The weather is much improved and the place is a lot busier than previous visits. Despite there being ‘no room at the Inn’ the lakes are so spacious that nowhere really gets overcrowded. I called in at a small café in the village centre, a portion of nachos and a coffee followed by a trip down my childhood 'memory lane' by buying a raspberry ripple ice cream from the ice cream parlour next door. I drove north to an area I hadn’t visited before and drove around Thirlmere which sits in the shadow of one of the lake’s most beautiful peaks Helvellyn, I’m sure had Julie remained fit and well we would have continued to visit the lakes and she would have continued to push my fitness levels by climbing ever increasing in size peaks, for sure I’d know it was for health reasons not for the insurance money Heehee.

Thirlmere is beautiful and the road around it reminded me of when Julie and I visited Kentallen in Scotland for a romantic New Year’s Eve away and we drove along the west shore of Loch Linnhe. Such fond memories of standing behind Julie cuddling her on our loch view balcony as the hotel staff set off fireworks, the evening was freezing, she was wrapped up in her faux fur vintage coat, her cheeks were so cold but she wanted to see the fireworks. The Holly Tree hotel was beautiful but much as Julie loved being spoilt with luxuries she’d never been able to have before it was the simplest things in life that truly made her happy such as being held and told how much she was loved as the fireworks lit up the night sky. Thirlmere she would have loved.

I headed home to the sanctuary of the apartment, put the TV on and that was me for the evening, there’s no life and soul of the party these days…

Monday morning and I cooked more bacon and sat there on the couch looking at the sunshine through the patio door windows but absolutely no motivation to move my backside, I’m in an ‘I feel sorry for me mood’, It gets to one p.m. and there are only so many episodes of NCIS that I can take and I finally kick myself into gear, I showered and dressed and headed out into the sunshine instantly thinking “Why the hell have you wasted the morning?”, this is how the grief is impacting on me, as beautiful as it is, with no one to share it with it’s not worth the bother.

I drove out to Skelwith Bridge, the first time I brought Julie to the lakes I had booked as a surprise, a secluded log cabin here, again I can see the happiness on her face as we entered the cabin and she put her arms around my neck and kissed me, “I love you Mr Shute” ….

 

 

Just down the road was Chester’s on the River, laid back from the main road a narrow drive way that had the most beautiful shallow river and rapids run along side it and although gentle on the

sides in the middle it gushes down under the road bridge. Today it was warm and sunny but unlike earlier in the year when I brought Vince & Denise here I didn’t have to wait for a table, on the decked patio was a table for two or in this case for one… I ordered a coffee and basked in the sun, from nowhere the tears just rolled down my cheeks from behind my sun glasses, it’s stupid, just stupid. Thankfully either no one noticed or they weren’t going to ask if I was ok.. my head was slightly tilted and the tear from my right eye trickled down over my cheek onto my neck, discreetly I wiped it away. Finishing my coffee I strolled down to the water’s edge and sat at a stone bench and table thinking “Foxy, you’d have loved this today”

In the early evening I drove into Windermere and spotted an empty parking space next to The Lighthouse, one of Julie’s and my favourite dining haunts. I only had a

beer and a bowl full of nachos (again) as the sun began to drop and my seat fell into shade It was time to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 I wanted to see Julie’s resting place as the sun set, all other visits have been earlier in

the day. I drove up Holbeck lane and parked up, I opened the passenger door and listened to the music as the sun began to set, there are no words tonight, I rested on the tree stump and took photos galore. As I snapped away a Bruno Mars track came on and I’d never given it any significance before, Julie and I saw ‘the man himself’ in Manchester. The words just burnt into my head and yes the tears instantly began to fall, to stream actually… The tune? The lyrics?

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only The Lonely

Rocking The Wellies

To the younger generation, it’s the title of a Roy Orbison Song from the charts in the 1960s but it's an apt title for this blog edition.

Ok, don’t feel sorry for me, I was asked to continue the blog so people know how I and I suppose others would feel & cope with a bereavement and as with anything I do if I’m doing it, I give you the truth 'warts n all' as the saying goes.

I’m still struggling with my grief since my 60^th birthday on the 8^th August, It’s truly shook me up and yet I truly thought it would be the easiest first anniversary for me to cope with.  My time with Casper in Holland was good but the harsh realisation that I’ll never share another birthday with a smiling Julie continues to haunt me. I can be doing nothing and spontaneously the tears start, I gave examples in the last blog, just over a week on from that and every day events just ‘grab me’, recent events have also made me realise just how lonely life is for me.

I try to fill my time constructively or away from Shute Manor for I am increasingly unhappy in the house. Two weekends ago I saw an ‘appeal’ for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity Ambassadors to cover the prestigious Southport Flower Show, CCC had a marquee there and wanted to inform people about the new hospital  being built in Liverpool, the one I/we have been fundraising for the reclining chairs. I offered my services and I was to be there all day on Sunday, others were on duty Thursday to Saturday and I had help on the Sunday too. 

I took myself off to the show on the Saturday I’d never been before and so by definition Julie hadn’t either but given her love of gardening I cannot believe we never went. The purpose of Saturday’s jaunt was to have a look around but also to find the CCC Marquee location, I didn’t want to just turn up on Sunday not

knowing the form or anything, Saturday like Friday was a miserable day, rain, rain, rain. I often quote one of the useless facts that I store in my head that August is the wettest month of the year, it’s reasonable to think “But its summer” but yes it is apparently the wettest month of the English year… We often have false memories or rose tinted one’s of our childhood school summer holidays where the sun never stopped shining but on reflection I can remember sitting on a warm storage heater staring out of the front window of our Warwickshire home looking at the pouring rain and whining “I’m bored”, lol we never had an iPad in those days we had TV’s with just three channels and in the 60’s these were of course just black and white… Amazing whilst everything else has changed children whining “I’m bored” hasn’t. I’ve digressed! There’s a surprise I hear you say!

The flower show despite the weather was excellent, so many flowers a lot in giant marquees and as the park the show features in has a wide tarmac footpath around it, this wasn’t a bring your wellies job unless you thought it fashionable like one young lady we know at a wedding….

I covered every inch of the flower show and I found the CCC Marquee, it was well sited with the parade ring behind it. Jeni from CCC was manning the stand today, the weather was impacting on the number of visitors but those that had called by were being relatively generous.

Sunday morning and I’m up at stupid O’clock by my weekend standards, I have to meet Jeni at the showground carpark to collect my exhibitors pass by 09.30, it may only be 23 miles away but it’s around an hour’s drive without delays so leaving home at 7.30 I was there comfortably by 09.00. I’d learnt my script, well not so much a script but I was filled with information on Clatterbridge, its many sites, it’s amazing facilities and technology and of course information on the new hospital, the key message is this is an additional site NOT to replace any.

Thankfully today the weather was much improved and whilst you wouldn’t want to have been sunbathing in it, it was warm and sunnier as the day went on; the increase in visitors was plain to see. Myself and the two volunteers who shared the morning and afternoon slots with me were quite pleased with the day. It’s always good to hear others praising Clatterbridge, one couple in particular shared their gratitude, their very young child last year had needed specialist proton beam therapy, so specialist it could only be completed in the USA, they were struggling to get insurance cover and turned to CCC who were able to advise/help. The number of patients too who dropped by to share their gratitude thinking we were employees when we are just patients or relatives like they were.

I can imagine a lot saying “I wouldn’t give up my Sunday” but whilst the NHS services are free to us all how often do we take them for granted? The services, the people? I’d argue most people take the NHS for granted most of the time. I truly feel I owe the NHS & Clatterbridge as a hospital and a Charity Organisation under the hospital’s control an enormous debt of gratitude. No one could have cared for or supported Julie any better than Brian Haylock & his team and the care and compassion in those early days shown by Karen & Louise in the Charity team made a difficult time hell of a lot easier. I’ve become friends; well I consider them friends, with many of the charity team the likes of Debbie, Marie, Sam & Chris all because of Julie and wanting to ‘payback’ a truly un repayable debt of gratitude. Of course Julie had care from other organisations and hospitals for example, the Walton Neuro team, The Walton Centre Clatterbridge team, and I’ll single one of the radiographers, Louise for her kindness and reassurance, she was part of the team who completed Julie’s Stereotactic Radio Surgery and this in particular bought Julie at least a six month time extension. Let’s not forget either the Community (District) Nurse team, our own GP Andy Lee who was able to put Julie at ease, was fast acting and when I needed anything was just a telephone call away. On top of that add in the carers and the support from three other amazing charities namely Macmillan who Julie’s Nurse Jayne was part of, it’s impossible and probably wrong to pick out any individual nurse from the I reckon 50 or so Julie had contact with during her illness including the amazing Ward 26 team at Arrowe Park Hospital, let’s not forget Scunthorpe hospital team too, some amazing Doctors & Nurses but because Jayne was such a support to me in the final days and hours of Julie’s life, whilst I’ll probably never  see Jayne again she holds a special place in my memories. The list goes on too, I’ve not covered off Marie Curie Nurses who did overnight stints with Julie to give me some sleep respite and Wirral’s St John’s Hospice team for whilst Julie never went into the hospice as a patient it was Nursing Director Cathy Lewis Jones who met with Julie & I at the start of her palliative care journey and on top of that, the hospice ran a support team called ‘Hospice at home’,  they would come and sit with Julie so that Maureen could get some respite during the day only an hour or so but with me trying to at least show commitment to my employers Maureen was the mainstay of Julie’s day care from breakfast until I got home from work. I have supported all of these charities in some shape or form be it donations or with ‘Gogglebox’s’ Eve Woerdenweber holding a Macmillan Coffee Morning but above all my loyalties remain deeply entrenched with CCC.  So when you look at this lengthy list of people and the organisations, just how for granted can we easily take our NHS?.... I cannot and so to give up my time is to me a privilege, you may laugh but I wrote to Jeni after the show and thanked her for the opportunity to be part of the team. I’m not saying you don’t but spare a thought for these amazing charities and organisations and if you can’t give your time, how about some money? The NHS funds the backbone of the industry but the add-ons? Well the charities need funding.  Surely you can give one or the other, time or money? Great if you can give both.

So the flower show over and well it’s a long drive home and I’m alone again, even at the show I had to wipe the odd tear away as I shared Julie’s journey with other patients, I’m certain I’m no more sensitive than most, probably just a little less ‘hard’, those that know me and some of my exploits and the challenge to right wrongs at time will know when I need to be ‘no-nonsense’ I truly am.

I got home ran a rare bath and I headed to bed. Talking of beds, without doubt the room everyone loves in the house is ‘The Princess & The Pea Room’ on the top floor, it was my bedroom in the early days of meeting Julie and when she stayed over she would reference my posture sprung mattress to the story of the princess and the pea, me? I was clueless, had never heard of it never having had children of my own. Anyway, she felt the mattress was lumpy but she also agreed it was comfortable. When we had the roof replaced we moved to the green room as our bedroom and the mattress moved down with us.  When the time came we bought a new mattress for the princess and the pea room. No one else complained but Foxy and I often played ‘Musical Beds’, just for the hell of it we would change rooms, well we had them and it was fun and when we went back to the Princess & the pea room I never had a good night’s sleep, that mattress was hell on earth to me.



Winston Moves to the top floor too

After I lost Julie, sleeping in the Green Room was emotionally tough even though she hadn’t slept in the bed since earlier in the year, in fact since April 25^th to be precise. Eventually I decided to move up to the Princess and the Pea room, I haven’t slept well or properly in since I cannot remember when but I’m certain a lot of my sleep problems have been down to that damn mattress. Finally this week I bit the bullet and decided to swap the mattresses, ‘My mattress’ even though its seen better days at 15 years old was heading to the Princess and the pea room, my god, why are mattresses so heavy? I’m no weakling but on my own I struggled to get the mattress up a flight of stairs. Bringing the other down was relatively easy by comparison; our cantilever staircase meant I could lower the mattress down to the next floor. I forewarned Berna my cleaner that the house would be dusty this week.  So I am back on the top floor and for two nights in a row I’ve slept like a baby.

In general and I’ve mentioned this more than once I know but I dislike the house now, not that I’m preparing for an apartment like lifestyle but I truly spend 95% of my time in the bedroom, the other five mainly in the shower or the lounge, Sunday after eight hours on my feet at the Southport Flower Show I indulged my weary feet with a rare bath! The bathroom is beautiful, built and designed for foxy though she only got to use it four times bless her.  I don’t think I ever explained how she ended up with ‘her bathroom’. I came home from work one day and we had been talking about re-modelling the bathroom for ages; one day she announces “I’ve seen my bathroom

Christening Her New bath - Cheers!

today”, I responded really? Where? We’ll have to go and see it” she grinned as she unfolded a piece of paper exposing a picture of her dream bathroom, she’d seen it in a waiting room magazine somewhere and highly unusual for ‘madam’ she had torn the page out to bring it home, I can remember smiling at her cheek, all she did was giggle. I bought the tiles a couple of years before the bathroom was started and about a year after buying them on a trip to Grimsby she saw her dream roll top bath and we ordered it and the accessories then.  Anyway, eventually she got her dream bathroom, I did a lot of the initial work myself but Collette’s partner Andy did the bulk of the finishing work, now it is the jewel in the crown of the estate agent’s picture portfolio, it truly has a wow factor.

 
So I’m sleeping better but I still do not like the house, just yesterday I actually left work at a reasonable hour (6pm) driving home I thought I’d go and eat at New Brighton, so I drove there instead of home, whilst Julie was in hospital last year I’d often drive to New Brighton after I’d left her as visiting time ended and I’d drive down here to watch some amazing sunsets. Tonight there was no sunset but as I parked up facing the Mersey & the Irish Sea I was transfixed by the ever changing view, it has been a warm day and it struck me so many couples were out enjoying a stroll, hands locked, all shapes and sizes, some with dogs, lol some looking like dogs and some with babies. I’ve had this age old expression I often used, yeh it’s cheeky given I’m an ugly sod myself but I’d often make Julie laugh with the cheek of me as I’d utter (from a safe distance) “My god, the sights you see when you haven’t got a gun” or another favourite was “My god, she’s got an ass like an Ant… An elephant!”, it was just my bizarre humour and if my quirky humour offends anyone I apologise, I’ve never deliberately upset anyone but I’ve said it before and it’s true if a woman ever said to me “Does my ass like big in this” expect an honest answer.. That was never the case with Julie most of her life she was a size 12 top and a size 10 in a skirt & she was cute with a capital C.

Seeing all these shape or size or age irrelevant the harsh reality of not being able to do that again with Julie just hit me and so I’m sat in my car tears rolling down my face ultimately turned to sobbing again. I sobbed so much my appetite disappeared! I just sat there watching the sky darken until it was pitch black and around 10.30 I drove home and straight to bed. As I lay there the dawning of how lonely I am hit me, it also occurred to me that visitors to the house to see me and or to stay over since we shot the Clatterbridge Appeal Video just after Julie’s death  were pretty much ZERO. I had three weeks of my good friend and neighbour Corrinna and her two children ‘move in’ as she had a bathroom remodel  but no one comes to visit me, no one. This time last year around 14 people a day were in and out of the house, nurses, carers, Doctors etc. nowadays, it’s an average of ONE, me! A combination of me never being home to make friends, having no friends locally and ‘our friends’ seemingly having abandoned me tied in with family that it seems I have to visit if we are to stay in contact, ladies and gentlemen I can tell you it’s a lonely world after being widowed.

 

Happy Birthday To Me?

August 8^th was my 60^th Birthday, I had no desire to be at home for it, I’ve certainly no appetite to party and celebrate. I’d previously discussed the topic in a chat with Casper and he suggested I go over to his place, it made so much sense and yes it felt like I was ‘running away’ from my problems.

I thought I’d been smart I’d kept my forthcoming birthday quiet at work and the few I thought knew about it knew I was keeping things low key and taking a few days off so imagine my surprise when I got to my desk on the Thursday morning to see banners and balloons, having come back from lunch more and different faces than normally dare venture down to my corner of the office were gathering, hmm I’ve been stitched up, long standing and newer colleagues had gone to the trouble of having a collection for me and presenting me with some beautiful presents, thankfully despite being quite tearful at the moment I held my composure as I thanked them all and explained why I was being less than jovial about turning 60, I explained as we have so many new faces that it’s been a tough year for me and it’s not really appropriate for me to celebrate in my usual jovial style, it’s nice they took the trouble to remember and as I left with my arms full at the end of the day I recalled celebrating my 50^th Birthday here too those were happier times.

I decided to use this trip to see Casper as an opportunity to go visit my Mother, Maureen and as she lives not ten minutes from Birmingham Airport I would fly out of there, the added bonus was I could use her driveway, avoid airport car parking fees and just jump cabs there and back, In hindsight booking an 06.00 flight wasn’t my smartest move and with increased security these days you can no longer do a last minute dash and so I left Maureen’s at 04.00.. I groan now as I recall the lack of sleep…

Friday 5^th August I arrived at Maureen’s, it’s so good to see her and I hope reassuring too. Things were tough and strained at times as we both cared for Julie and as the weeks rolled on and Julie’s time with us diminished there were moments of tension between Mum and I. One evening I was summonsed to her bedroom where she had a list of things that she wasn’t happy about and she needed to share them with me and amongst that she expressed “You’ll forget about me when this is all over”, the raw emotion brought us both to tears but I reassured her I’ll never forget her, that I’d visit regularly and that I owed her an unrepayable debt of gratitude for everything she had done for Julie and for me. Maureen moving up and in for around five months meant I could continue to work and thereby keep the roof over our heads, her nursing of Julie was admirable, the district Nurse team and the carers had the utmost respect for the amazing level of care Julie was getting, mainly from Maureen, some from me and of course many valued friends. Had I not had this degree of support I would have quit my job, Julie was my world and I would not have allowed her to be at home alone, vulnerable, frightened, scared and I needed to be with her as much as I could be. I know there would have been significant financial consequences to giving up my job and I truly feel for those in such a dilemma.. I would add though if this is the situation you are in, talk to Macmillan Cancer they can and do offer financial support in some instances/circumstances. So, back to mother, there is no way I’ll ever forget her. She had a few jobs she needed doing and I’d brought down Julie’s laser printer that she used to produce her greetings cards on. The office grade printer produced in amazing quality & Maureen was stunned at the difference in the colours versus her own laser printer, as Julie and Maureen were ‘partners in crime’ in producing Decoupage greetings cards, I’m glad the printer was going to the perfect home. This thing though weighs a ton; I slid it down the three flights of stairs on a plank of wood and wheeled it to my car on a heavy duty trolley and at Maureen’s, neighbour Dan kindly gave me a hand getting it up the stairs.

My Niece Amanda & husband Phillip popped around, we shot out for a swift pint and then my bed beckoned. I was up at 03.30 and at 04.00 the taxi arrived and I was airport bound. A forty five minute flight into Amsterdam where the trip to the to the arrivals gate seems to take almost the same length of time, it’s a huge airport but once in the terminal building, it’s light, bright and filled with gadgets, travellators and the likes. What I like about Schiphol too is there is a railway station under the concourse, if you’re visiting Amsterdam it’s the cheapest and easiest route into the city centre, cabs are expensive. Usually Casper picks me up however security is increased at European Airports currently and Schiphol is no exception. I told Casper I’d get a train down to Rotterdam as it would save both time and inconvenience.

Jumping on the nearly empty train, was giving me time to reflect that this is my first birthday without Julie, as I’m 60 had she been here she would have plotted and schemed to give me a birthday to remember, sadly my main memory is going to be of the loneliness, the loneliness  that seems to haunt me daily now. So much is happening, the family birthdays, our wedding anniversary, Julie’s birthday, all in around a five week window of time. I truly feel my emotions are taking a

battering, so many times lately as I’ve laid in bed, having just removed the chain from around my neck holding our wedding rings that I entrust Winston with nightly, so many nights recently I’ve hugged that bear to sleep, a sixty year old guy confessing to hugging a teddy bear.. He knows all of Julie’s secrets; he watched her cry and now he’s witnessing my tears. At times I truly struggle with the loss of Julie. People say “Be kind to yourself”, “you’re expecting too much of yourself”, “give yourself time to grieve”, “there is no time scale on grief”, on that last point I fully agree. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m no doom and gloom merchant, I stay as positive as I can but at times the grief still just leaps out at me from nowhere, I can read something at work and I feel my eyes well up, I sit in an open plan office with colleagues sat close by, invariably I duck my head to PC screen level, or I just dab my eyes with a tissue and hope I can hold it together, just this morning (16^th August) I had to make a hasty trip to the office loos where thankfully alone I sobbed in a heartbroken way, it just came from nowhere. Last night on my way home as I came through the Wallasey Mersey Tunnel, I saw blue lights bouncing around in my rear view mirror, as I exited the tunnel I could see it was an ambulance, the lane in front of me the tunnel team had the barrier up and a tunnel Police officer guarding the open lane ready for the ambulance, I’d moved left to be out of its way anyway and as my tunnel tag kicked in and my barrier lifted the ambulance was alongside me for a few seconds, not for the first time I just spontaneously sobbed, I wasn’t just crying I was sobbing, the last time I sobbed like this was as the funeral directors waited to remove Julie from Shute Manor, this is absolute madness and I need to get a grip of myself but for whatever reason my 60^th Birthday has triggered fresh raw emotion in me.

I’m jumping ahead, sharing yesterdays & today’s events and blog wise I’m still on the train heading towards Rotterdam & Casper.

I sent Casper a text explaining I’m fifteen minutes away, on arrival I exited the building and looked for the pick-up and drop off zone sweetly named the ‘Kiss and Ride’ zone…  To inject some humour, I had no intentions of kissing the big man, that would have been Julie’s department in the day..

We were soon heading to Casper’s tenth floor apartment with amazing views of parkland and Rotterdam in his Tesla all electric car. Holland seems so geared up to electric cars with charging points pretty much in every car park you stop in and despite my travels here I think I’ve seen around 10 Tesla’s in the UK and probably over 100 in the Netherlands.  For a car the size of a Jaguar  Saloon it has the acceleration of the animal, the only down side I’ve seen whilst in the Tesla is they’re so silent that pedestrians do not realise they are there at times.

Casper knew I was escaping from any potential party or raucous celebrations and that I wanted a relatively quiet time, we are both pretty deep at times and whilst when the mood suits we can talk for our respective countries we can also just sit in silence.  All the same he’s arranged a few things but nothing on the scale of a party.

Saturday afternoon after I’d taken a power nap, gone are the days of being up all night or not going to sleep and partying like a ten year old, I’m 60 now you know haha… After a refreshing shower we headed out to see Casper’s Mother & Father at their apartment. Apartment living seems far more popular than in the UK though it seems to be becoming more popular in areas like Liverpool where riverside former tobacco warehouses are converted into luxurious apartments. They are a charming couple and unlike us ‘lazy English’ are fluent in at least a second language and luckily for me that’s English. In the evening we dined out with friends and had a lovely evening, no fuss just dinner and great conversation and excellent food. We arrived back at Casper’s and sat out on his 10^th floor balcony supping malt whisky & watching the night sky, in the distance we witnessed a couple of shooting stars, this is the perseid meteor shower week and thankfully the night sky lacks the light pollution of home, As I gazed and thought to myself, is this Julie’s way of saying “I’m up here & I’m having fun”.. It’s stupid I know but we are born and brought up to believe in the man in the moon and that our loved ones are the bright twinkling stars..  As I got into bed I looked on my ipad at some of the pictures, Julie is never far away from me, that gorgeous smile, that beautiful dress sense…

A tenth floor balcony view

Sunday Morning we are both late risers and chatted over breakfast, One of Casper’s friends Harold has a boat and we are heading out on it this afternoon. In the Netherlands you are never far from water and Harold’s garden boundary is a stretch of water, I think we’d all class it as a canal. Harold’s family were amazingly kind and nine of us were soon on the boat, heading past some of the most beautiful properties I’ve ever seen. This is tranquillity, there are no cars about, no roads, as I sipped

a glass of Champers I slipped into my own world momentarily as I remembered the Canal boat trips Julie & I did with Aaron & Vicky right at the start of her illness, we had such fun and it was our first chance to truly bond with Vicky. Two of the children with us despite it not being the hottest of days decided they wanted to ride on a floatation device being pulled on the boat, we were in hysterics as they tried to stand up on it so many times only to lose their balance. Finally mastering the art this progressed to trying to complete the task on one leg, ha, the inevitable happened and the girls landed fully in the water more than once but they were loving it and it

was nice to be amongst great people and to just absorb the casual atmosphere. We approached a windmill, well it is Holland and no visit would be complete without seeing a Windmill, again so peaceful but so majestic. This was our turning point, it was probably a couple of hours since we had casted off and we were heading back the way we came. Getting back on shore at Harold’s we passed the evening away with more wine & a BBQ, evenings when you do not want to party do not get much better than this. I actually drank more than Casper, he was after all driving, back at the apartment and as we watched the night sky again it was soon gone two a.m.

Monday morning and well I am now 60, groan…. Thankfully I still feel like I’m in my 30’s. when I woke I lay there with the dawning reality of the event with no foxy to giggle and to give me daft gifts but gifts I would have treasured forever… thankfully I’ve got those from previous years at home, from the name plate on the house, to the frog prince in the garden, to some of the sweeter gifts, a scrap book she had started for example. Again the tears appear. Julie asked why her as we knew her battle was futile and today I’m asking the same question, why oh why were you taken from me, we

Taking your car with you..

both deserved better than ‘this’… I wiped the tears away and knew I had to put in an appearance. Casper had taken the day off and after some toast we headed to meet our friends of Saturday night and we were to do a boat tour of Rotterdam Port, this is an immense marine industrialised area, so fascinating. Off the boat and we headed to a nearby restaurant for a delicious lunch before heading home and grabbing another power nap before tonight’s activities.

I knew tonight  was going to be relatively peaceful I knew we were head to the Hotel New York down in the Rotterdam Port, Casper & I had grabbed a coffee in there earlier this year and Casper has dined here on a couple of occasions in their basement restaurant. This place is special. Joined by four friends including Harold. Casper had declared at lunch time as I grabbed the lunch time tab “Tonight Shutey your money

is no good!” we laughed, I know there is no arguing with my dear friend when his mind is made up.  Tonight’s meal was beyond outstanding; I’ll go as far as saying this was the best meal of my life. A five course surprise collection of food was presented and explained to us by an equally outstanding team, each course came with a chosen wine that the Sommelier  (Wine waiter to the uninitiated) knew like family members, tonight was special in the quietest kind of way. Julie was constantly in my thoughts more so during any lapses in conversation and when I got home, five glasses of wine plus earlier beers may have been numbing my senses helped me slip off to sleep as  I clutched our wedding jewellery, the tear drops were rolling off my cheeks onto my pillow, I’m feeling guilty for not visiting Julie at her resting place, eventually I dropped off. I’ve never been one for dreaming but tonight I kind of hoped I’d be joined by Julie, truth be told I was exhausted.

Tuesday and Casper and one of his fellow Directors had a business meeting in a city called Breda, they dropped me off and I wandered the old style shopping centre for a couple of hours, I see dress shops and I see some beautiful women in the town, of course all bring my focus back to Julie. I sat in a café that specialised in hot chocolates and again the tears were out, something has triggered my grief, it can only be turning 60 and I truly thought this would be the easiest ‘first’ to overcome, how wrong am I?

Business meeting over and I’m dropped off at Rotterdam Central for my short train jaunt to Schiphol airport and my journey back to Birmingham and to mum’s, I’m not stopping tonight I’m back at work tomorrow so a quick coffee, chat and a hug goodbye and I’m homeward bound. Around 11pm I walk through the door of Shute Manor, I truly do not like being here now, In the lounge there are a few surprises from Corrinna, Cedella & Kymani including a helium filled balloon, it’s so sweet of them,

I need my bed, it’s been a long day, a quick shower, unpacking my laundry and putting the washing machine on and I’m crawling into my bed, my bed that was ‘our bed’ that Winston guards over, It’s both sad and comforting to see that bear, he’s soon wearing my chain and our wedding jewellery as I drift off, tomorrow it’s another day and back to normal whatever normal is these days.

Work is busy & it’s like I’ve never been away, yep back to normality. That said on top of the couple of events I’ve already described about this last week a couple of significant events that have me now querying myself and whether I can pull myself out of this tearful cycle, I’ve actually gone as far as finding the bereavement counselling website of the charity Cruse.

I spent the weekend at the house, I cannot even call it home now, Saturday morning I was up early as Virgin media were coming to sort out the faulty box in the Princess & Pea room, not that I’m using it as I'm back in the green room. I ventured out to see Jen and the girls at Barberannes, I’ve not seen Jen for several weeks and thankfully this time although there is a stream of clients we got to chat a little, I was amazed I held it together with my current teary state. I had to brave the Mersey tunnel, my cleaner loved a floor shine I bought from Costco but with a lot of Costco products they are seasonally in and out and they don’t stock it any more, thankfully I knew Lakeland stock it and I was in and out of their Liverpool One store and back home in 15 minutes. I slept the afternoon away, I’m not sleeping well either. Saturday night I thought move your ass and go eat, I went down to Blackberry grove at New Brighton where I feel at home with the team and as ‘billy no mates’ just blend in to the background to people watch.

Sunday and I really cannot be arsed (excuse my French) to even get out of bed, why should I? What am I going to do, go downstairs and feel sorry for me down there? Berna, my cleaner and I had swapped a few messages and upon telling her I can’t be bothered she reminded me a boot liner that

has been cluttering up the dining room since the day before Julie’s funeral, it was still there and it needed sorting out. Once showered dressed and downstairs I find my motivation mojo and got stuck into the boot liner I tidied up the packing boxes I’ve started to fill. There was also a box of Julie’s drugs still here and more in the bureaux in the hallway, I really should have disposed of them months, in fact almost a year ago but it was another job I’ve kept putting off and putting off. There’s over a litre of liquid morphine, there is Lorazepam both controlled drugs, both capable of killing anyone who dreamt over overdosing on them, STOP with that thought, weepy I may be, suicidal I am NOT, my life is for living it's what I want & I know what Julie would want! It’s not right that they’re in the house though and well to the inexperienced please do not just throw drugs in a bin or pour liquid medicines down the sink or drain, take any unused drugs to your local pharmacy for them to arrange the destruction of, always better safe than sorry.. So on Monday this week I brought them in to work and one of our pharmacists took them off me for destruction. It was though another sad task, sad but necessary though, another task completed on my road to recovering from the loss of my princess.