This was the week I’d been dreading; 9th of September 2015 03.20 in the morning is burnt into my brain like being branded. I’ll never forget that moment, the physical pain and the anguish tinged with the sense of relief that Julie’s suffering was finally over, little did I realise that mine would continue for at least a full year. Of course I expected to feel the pain and anguish for some time certainly to beyond Julie’s funeral but naively I thought I’d be able to start rebuilding my life with the finality a funeral brings, how wrong was I?
I Started to
write this blog edition on 5th of September 2016, many of you will
say “well you’ve tried to move on” and given my honest feedback on trying to
date it’s fair to say I have tried to move on, maybe some would say “too soon
Andy”. I’ve not looked for a book on grief and how to cope with it, I don’t
know if any exist, given the apparent popularity of this blog (as of writing
97,000 reads) maybe this is as close to one that exists? Its real time and it’s
heartfelt and brutally honest and I hope it helps others understand.
Other
parts of trying to move on include putting the house on the market and recent reads
will confirm that isn’t going well, I’m now resigned to being stuck in the
house until the spring of 2017, in itself that’s a depressing thought but I am
not giving the house away.
Part of my
coping strategy, if that’s what it is/was is avoiding the house at weekends; it’s
incredible to think that I’ve been away from the house for 44 out of 52
weekends since Julie left me, my bank manager would probably say "Yep, I can believe it"!
The weekend
just gone I was invited up to Seahouses in the North East of England, much
further north and you’d be in Scotland. Northumberland is a beautiful county
and home to some amazing Castles, close by Seahouses is Bamburgh Castle and not
far away is Alnwick Castle where parts of the Harry Potter Movie ‘franchise’
was filmed. On our last visit three years ago Julie had a really fun day here,
not because she had a love of castles but she loved the ambience, the gardens,
the costumes and the company of being with dear friends Vince & Denise,
this weekend it is just Vince, Denise & myself but obviously in a nice way
Julie continued to come into the conversation. We had an excellent weekend and
of course these are sweet memories of those happier days.
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| Bamburgh Castle |
Julie
slipped away from us in the early hours of 9th September which was a Wednesday,
with the leap year this year the 9th is on a Friday and yes I’ll be
heading back for a 'reunion'.
It’s been a
strange week nothing stranger than this coincidence. On Wednesday, so twelve
months to the day I received a call from Julie’s brother Andy, I’d previously
explained that Julie’s dad hasn’t been well fighting Cancer himself. Today of
all days it was broken to him that there was nothing else that could be done
for him by his hospital medical team, I understand he took the news stoically
stating he’d had a good innings, deep down I believe he was relieved and just
wanted to be reunited with Julie, Andy was making all the necessary
arrangements to get his dad home for his final few days so that he could have
his faithful springer spaniel with him, let’s face it I don’t think any of us
want to end our days in a hospital bed unless it cannot be helped, this news
just makes a sad week even sadder though.
The more I
thought about it the more I felt I should drive up on the Thursday night after work;
it’s illogical to drive Bolton to Birkenhead and then back up in the same direction
to get to the Lake District. Wednesday night I filled my suitcase and Thursday
morning I loaded up the car, I would go up straight after work, “I’ll sleep in
the car in the lane” I thought to myself….
After a full
day at the office I’m Lake District bound, the weather is appalling, it’s
absolutely throwing it down! As I neared
Windermere around 9pm I was rethinking my stupidity of wanting to sleep in the
car what if I need the loo, it’s not going to be warm and it’s sure as hell
going to be wet. As if by magic as I approached Windermere the car took over my
subconscious and steered me down into Windermere, I drove slowly past all of
the B&B’s and hotels, nothing but ‘No Vacancy signs’, this is crackers I
thought. Eventually I found a B&B with a vacancies sign up so rather than
get drowned in the lashing rain I called the number on the sign, I was
staggered to be quoted £120. Ladies and gentleman Dick Turpin is alive and well
and living in Windermere! Sorry, but I’m not paying that for a B&B! I drove
on past White Cross Bay and Julie’s field, the bottom gate was still wide open
and in my head I said “I’ll be back soon hunny”. I drove into Ambleside I have
to find a reasonably priced B&B here surely? Slowly I drove through the
town to no avail, this is madness. One last opportunity or I really will be
sleeping in the car. I pulled up outside the Best Western Salutation Hotel and
called them.
Me: “Hi do
you have a room for one available for tonight?”
Receptionist:
“Let me check…. Yes I’ve got a twin room available and I can do that for you at
£140”
I was so
tempted to say “No, you cannot” instead
I asked if there was room to manoeuvre on the price as it was pushing ten
o’clock at night, simply put if I don’t take the room tonight it’s lost
revenue. The best I got was breakfast thrown in. Reluctantly I said I’d take
the room, the receptionist realising the hour asked how far away was I? “Ooooh
about twenty feet” she laughed and said “White Car? Oh yes I can see you now".
One of her colleagues came out and showed me into the tightest parking space
ever so parked up me, my cases and most importantly Winston came in with me. I must look
a pillock checking into a hotel as a 60 year old clutching his teddy but you
know what? I do not care.
I checked in
headed to my top floor room that would reveal an amazing view and landscape in
the morning and headed to the bar for a drink. My resolve was broken and I knew
I wasn’t going to be getting up at 03.00. Returning to my bed I did my usual of
crashing out with the TV still on, I’d got Winston in my arms..
It’s
officially Friday 9th of September and I hold Winston reflecting on
a year ago, has it really been a year? So much has happened but then again so
little has changed either….
I looked out
of the mock sash windows, the view was stunning. From its high position
above the road and two
storeys up my room view was over the roof tops and to the hills beyond, some
views are priceless, this one cost me £140…
The good
thing was the rain had disappeared and the sky was getting brighter, it was
like it had been ordered for me. I thought I’d grab my hearty breakfast, I
couldn’t quite eat £140 worth of food but I did my best, I can miss lunch and
dinner I thought.
Breakfast
done and I loaded up the car and checked out, it was time to visit Julie. Driving back towards Windermere the Low Wood
bay Hotel is having what appears to
be an extra access road built and it’s
resulted in temporary traffic lights as the road is being dug up too. As I
approached the road works I laughed at this sign, I’ll have to go back later
and grab a picture I thought. Foxy would have giggled at this.
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| Poor Cats hahaha |
I turned up
Holbeck Lane glancing through the open gate as I did, it looks lush. I got to
my usual parking spot, near the sawn off tree trunk, I think this is my first visit on a
weekday and I cannot believe the volume of traffic, at one point two huge
tractors and trailers were filling the road there were taxis I assume heading
to and from the hotel just up the hill, eventually the gridlock eased and it
was just me and Foxy. First I wandered to the field gate, this time it was
firmly locked. The area was soaked so today I just gazed into the field,
as I leant on the gate I said “a year
ago today hunny you left me, you slipped away from us all, it’s so not fair, so
not fair, I’ll never forget you and I’ll never abandon you but I’m struggling
with visiting on all of the anniversaries, it’s so painful” I went on to
explain “Hunny, it’s so sad but you and your dad will be together again soon,
he’s got days to live, he misses you so much too, I feel he gave up when he
lost you and his cancer is about to beat him hunny, no one wants to see or hear
of someone dying but I know he won’t find peace until you’re reunited” by now
my tears are running down my cheeks. I sat on the sawn off tree trunk clutching
Winston just taking in this amazing landscape and recalling the last year,
moving on just isn’t easy. Its Winston’s
second visit, of course he was here the day we scattered Julie’s ashes
too. I started to take a few pictures
and I sat him on the tree trunk to free up my hands, it was crazy but it looked
like he was having a moment of solace and reflection as he gazed out over the
field and on to Windermere and beyond. It’s crazy, it’s a teddy bear,
admittedly a very special bear but how can this scene bring out so much
emotion?
These visits
are emotionally draining and for now I’m drained, I need to go and check into
the caravan. I lugged all my gear in and sat on the sofa in the lounge, I went
from sitting to lying to sleeping in minutes.
I woke late
afternoon, I shook myself into action before driving down to Windermere for a
late lunch/early tea. A short drive up to Booth’s Supermarket and I bought some
bare essentials to eat & drink.
Back to the
caravan to chill for the evening, I’m still struggling with going out for a
drink on my own or for a meal on my own, I feel awkward as ‘billy no
mates’…
Saturday I
woke up and thought I’d drive out and around to Chester’s on The River again,
but first I dropped into the garden centre in Ambleside, if you’re new to the
area it’s well worth a wander around, I bought a fuschia, I had plans for the
hole in the middle of the tree trunk by Foxy’s resting place. Next stop was
Chester’s, I so love the tranquillity of
the running water here dancing over the so smooth stones, years of water
running over sharp rocks that gradually lose their sharp edges, nature is a
wonderful thing.
I thought I’d drive back into Windermere but
‘the scenic route’ that makes me smile, every route around here is scenic but
I’m going to drive past Beatrix Potter’s Cottage
and then take the ferry over
the lake. I drove down past another of the Lake District’s lakes, not huge but
so pretty is Esthwaite Water, I pulled into the carpark and took in the views,
the tranquillity just hits you. This is a fishery too so I wandered over to the
fishery shop just to check it out walking past a mooring with some rowing
boats. I hadn’t realised that you could hire the boats and also you can hire
fishing tackle and buy bait. I’ve not fished in years, I spoke with the
gentleman in charge and he explained all of the options, to hire a boat with an
outboard motor and all of the tackle and licences thrown in £43 for the day. I
quickly checked the weather forecast for the next day and with no sign of rain
so I booked for tomorrow & so Sunday
I’m going fishing, a new experience for I’ve never fished off a boat inland
before.
The weather
was gorgeous as I headed through Near Sawrey, the ‘home’ of Beatrix Potter’s
cottage, you could easily believe you’d found a lush green part of Asia for
Beatrix Potter is revered by the Japanese and it’s almost a pilgrimage to visit
Near Sawrey. It’s just three miles then to the ferry. Things have changed since
my last visit/journey for you always paid on the boat, now you have to buy a
ticket from a machine before you board.
I enjoy this
oh so short trip as you glide across the lake before hitting the tarmac and
driving off, Windermere is heaving as ever especially by the cruisers, Julie
just loved it around here. It’s still a beautiful day but that was soon going
to change. I got back to the caravan and you could feel a change in the air, as
I sprawled out on the sofa TV on suddenly the heavens opened, it absolutely
hammered it down and there was no stopping it.
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| The Ferry |
Call me
‘lucky’ (not), for I decided I’d go to the cinema in Ambleside this evening,
also I needed to eat. I showered and changed and headed through the caravan
door and quickly stopped on the top step, before me was a mini flood and the
front of the car was in it! With a bit of gymnastics I managed to keep my feet
dry, bizarrely it was just my caravan that had attracted the mini flood, it was
just the lie of the land. Again I drove down past Julie’s field into a very wet
looking Ambleside, eventually I found a parking spot, grabbed my brolly and
wandered down to Zeffirelli’s to see what time the Matt Damon Bourne movie. It turned out it was on at their ‘In the park’
Cinema which is just down the road but for me in this lousy weather it’s just
that bit too far. I thought I’d walk down to the Chinese restaurant that we all
went to the night of scattering Julie’s ashes, my luck continued! Closed! I
could see inside that workmen were laying tiles on the floor. Next door was a
burger bar so drowned rat like I wandered into there. With not many tables
occupied I had a choice and one was close to a mock open fire on the wall, at
least I’d be warm and dry. The meal was ok but in all honesty I won’t rush
back.
Returning to
my car the rain had stopped at last! I drove out of town back past my new
favourite road sign and then up Holbeck lane, it was pitch black, the joy of
the lakes is the absence of mass street lights. The benefit is the night sky
when not covered in clouds is stunning. Tonight the radio was off, the car
lights and engine off too, just total silence with the occasional hum of the
odd car passing the bottom of the field. I reached for the fuchsia plant and a
bottle of mineral water. I tapped the plant out of its pot and ensuring there
was sufficient support under the plant I pressed the roots covered in soil into
the hole in the middle of the trunk. The Fuchsia is hardy and I’m certain it
will thrive in its location and survive the winters. The rotted wood
surrounding it is permanently damp so the plants roots can feed from that as
well as the rain showers.
Having been
here some time now my eyes have adjusted
to the dark and I can barely believe my eyes, down the field Is ‘The deer’, as
in I’d like to think the same one I photographed a couple of weeks ago in the
adjacent field! She was grazing, raising her head and looking around, I coughed
and her head was up and she sprung up towards the wall out of sight, I was
cursing myself but a couple of minutes later as I sat there reflecting she came
back into view about forty feet away. It’s such a good feeling to think nature
is so close and kind to Julie, she truly would have loved this evening were she
alive and here with me. This really is the perfect spot. A car came up the lane
and that was enough to spook the deer and for now she was gone. As the darkness
returned I spoke to Foxy, how fantastic she has a deer to keep her company, how
she now has her own fuchsia bush and how I hoped nobody would decide to take it
home with them. I’m pleased to report a couple of weeks on dear friends Vince
& Denise who have grabbed a break in the lakes have confirmed it’s still
there and they’ve kindly sprinkled some wild meadow flower seeds into the field
in the hope they’ll flower in the spring.
Sunday and
the sun is out it’s like yesterday’s rain had never happened; the mini
flood/lake outside the caravan was gone.
The weather looks perfect for my fishing
adventure. Filling my rucksack
with my day’s supplies and camera I set off for Elsthwaite Water. I quickly
paid for the boat tackle rod licence and for some bait and I’m soon casting
off. The view is stunning, the tranquillity is beyond words. As I steered the
boat down the lake the views were simply awesome. Somehow the view is different
from the water than from the shore. I was amazed by the strength of the wind
though I barely noticed it, it was more like a gentle breeze, I only noticed it for with the outboard
motor turned off I was amazed how far the boat had drifted. Well five hours
later I hadn’t caught anything except a lot of photographs but I felt so
relaxed afterwards it was serene.
Another
drive and ferry trip across Lake Windermere I thought I’d travel up to Julie’s
field again to see if the Fuchsia was still there and I wanted to see it in
daylight. The
view was stunning as the sun shone down… I said my goodbyes and I
gently sobbed as I explained I need to break this cycle of anniversary visits, “I
promise I won’t ever forget or desert you hunny but for my own sanity I need to
cut down on my visits”.. It’s the heart-breaking reality of needing to move on;
I truly don’t know when I will return…
This blog is dedicated to the memory of Robert (Bob) Suddaby who sadly lost his battle with cancer on Saturday 17th September 2016, finally reunited with his loving daughter.... R.I.P.
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