Carry on Blogging

Always full of fun & mischief

Despite Julie's Blog reaching an almost staggering 73,000 reads I'm stunned by the continued interest for as you know the Blog was set up to be about Julie and her journey, the rest of us were meant to be on the side lines not 'centre stage'. I've truly been amazed at requests to continue the blog so I will for now, I hope it helps others especially now surviving family members after the loss of a loved one.

Ok, some of this is hilarious, some of it sad and I've some I hope, good news to share with you in a future blog.

All of this has kind of resurrected itself within me after visiting I often say 'Julie's family' but I hope and I feel it is indeed 'my family' too now, not being a blood relative at times like this leaves you feeling slightly vulnerable, I hear of families not talking for years and so, as an (at times) grade one pain in the ass outspoken individual you know I am I know at times yes certain members of the family have been less than impressed by me, the feeling at times was mutual hehe (Julieism) but I'll never walk away from 'my family', never, if links are ever severed it won't be down to me, I'll add immediately I still feel loved by those family members I've been in contact with since Julie died and her funeral, Julie on our initial visit to Grimsby to break the news to the family that she was incurably & terminally ill she used the opportunity to ask the family to keep me included as part of them after she left us, but yes during such an emotional journey for everyone things are said and done that could ultimately result in not keeping in touch, all I'd add is life is truly too short, if we all learn nothing else from Julie's illness and early departure let us take on board this message, life is too short...

 I can imagine this situation isn't unique to me there must be many more couples who are married second time around, it must be worst, in fact I know from conversations I have had with others that the lack of a formal relationship (as in marriage or civil partnership) and especially without the lack of formal documented arrangements can leave the 'other half' vulnerable, exposed, even to the point of let's say A woman meets, falls in love with and moves in with a guy who owns his own home, they don't marry, there are no children  there are no formal agreements, as the other half you can be very vulnerable, Parents of 'your partner' can and I have heard of, (have) run rough shod over you and your life thinking they know best and legally as they are 'next of kin', your wishes and considerations can be totally and I mean totally ignored if your other half becomes too ill to make their own decisions or is not strong enough to stand up to say a matriarchal overbearing 'mother'. The bottom line here is too that upon death and the loss of your partner, without the formal agreement you could be asked or told to leave your late partners home with little or no notice. This never happened to us, Julie and I took legal advice and we drew up our wills, we co-owned the house but seriously, even if you are reading this and both fit and well now, I say play safe and make the provision for your own protections. Get it in writing too so that when that battle axe of a mother in law or sister/brother in law decide it's their show, legally you can if needs be show them the door. It would be nice to think that all relationships end happily ever after and that families pull together at times like this but, they often do not and grief can bring out the worst in people......


I've said all along that the grief caused by the loss of Julie doesn't just run through me, it has hit hard across the family, Julie's family, Aaron, Emma, Julie's Dad, my mother and close friends too, this amazing woman's ability to severely impact on people is unexplainable. Almost seven months on and we cannot cope at times with the grief, there is no timeline and although you get on with life, hell it hurts at times I can tell you. It runs beyond immediate family too, Julie's first family, certain members remain heartbroken, I knew Julie for around fourteen years and yes we were pretty much inseparable but Julie's family had known her longer than me and only at the weekend it truly dawned on me how far grief stretches. Besides her dad there was one other person who had Julie as a long time as in 35 years long time best friend in her former sister-in law June. June was over so many times and involved in so many pivotal moments in Julie's life, not least of all the three of us were holidaying in the Lake District just a month before Julie had her first seizure. I rented a cottage for us


Julie & June In the Lake District

and I know it was one of Julie's happiest holidays as she showed June the beautiful scenery, she had never been before. I wasn't too well myself on this visit but we plodded on and one night Julie complained about the mother of all headaches but in her usual fashion she just brushed it off, we spoke about it long afterwards and we both felt this was the moment that fluff made its first appearance... Julie had two main close & valued confidantes in her life, Letty who she met after moving in with me and June or as she called her Woon..  Julie and Woon in my time would spend literally hours 'facetiming' with each other both crocheting away, discussing crafts, family, their other halves, family. I suspect there is nothing she didn't know about Julie in those 35 years. It truly came home to me at the weekend when I visited June and gave her Julie's wool collection, god the woman could have opened a wool shop. Julie couldn't knit but she loved to crochet and I know she inspired others to take it up too, Granddaughter Abbey for example has recently started and a dear friend of Emma's, Gemma who called Julie 'Mummy Number 2' from their childhood days, Gemma has taken to crocheting too. Back to June, only when we sat down to drink coffee on Saturday and we both struggled to hold back our tears as we discussed Julie did it dawn on me how far back the loss of Julie was being felt. I think(know) others try to help but you cannot lose your best friend who knows everything about you and who wants to tell you everything and seek and take your advice, no one can take the place of that person be it best friend or husband/wife, it's a hole just too big to fill and it's a hole filled with heartache...... I'll return to the this most recent visit further on.

Emma & Aaron struggle still too and we've had to cope with 'the first' St Valentine's day and the first Mother's day without the amazing Mum & Wife, both events hit us hard. Easter for me didn't seem quite so bad but that was partly because I realised I could not spend the four day Easter weekend in 'Shute Manor' alone, so I rented a cottage near the Scottish Border, one place I'd never seen during my many travels around the UK was Hadrian's Wall. I'll come back to this later too but for now I'll do as I am trying to do in my real life and that is 'Move on'...

No one has written a book on when it's right to move on after losing a loved one I suspect that's because there isn't a right time, we are all different and we do that in many different ways. I recently heard of a couple where the husband died (and as it was told to me), by the day after he died there was absolutely NO reference to him in the marital home, every personal belonging was disposed of the very next day. I couldn't be like that, I have struggled with how and when & what to do with Julie's personal possessions, thankfully my neighbour and now dear

Emma in one of Julie's dresses

friend Corrinna helped as did another young lady who was a reporter on our local newspaper The Wirral Globe (Google Julie Shute & Wirral Globe).  Emma ran several stories on Julie's fundraising and the support she was giving Clatterbridge Cancer Charity. Emma had similar dress style and likes to Julie and whilst marginally shorter than Jules looked around the same figure size so it was a 'no brainer' for me  to invite Emma to choose some of Julie's dresses and coats. You might say 'you should have given them to charity' but a) Clatterbridge don't have a charity shop and b) from past experience as my first wife worked for three charities at retail management level I can tell you that the best quality items often don't see the shop floor, I'm not saying the staff don't pay for them, I'm just saying they have an amazing advantage and given some (many) of Julie's dresses cost several hundred pounds each I needed to know they'd be loved and c) I wanted Julie's clothes to go to homes where they would be cherished and in Emma that would be the case and finally, d) Emma did donate to CCC. Not long after Emma contacted me with good and bad news, The bad news she was leaving the Globe, the good news was she attended her final interview in one of Julie's dresses and wearing a coat of Julie's, Emma believes in fate and she attributes wearing Julie's clothes to her success in being offered the position on the spot... Our lady's reach is long it seems, it's a lovely feel good thought for sure.

Back to dealing with Julie's belongings, even basic stuff at home I was (am) struggling with.  Julie last crocheted before her final 'failed' operation, she lost the use of her left side so could not hold the

wool or the crochet hook. The basket she kept by her side of our sofa in the lounge, the basket I 'couldn't move' it felt wrong to do so however last weekend seeing the wool mountain in Julie's craft room and my visit to Grimsby it all went with me. June and Emma though are both struggling to pick up their crochet hooks often shedding tears when they do, it's crazy what brings out our grief.... I also took over all of Julie's make up, her nail varnishes too, slowly I am able to do things to begin to move on. Emma's three girls had a field day as you can see. Daft as it sounds my actions though were thoughtless for Aaron and Vicky have two girls too and I should have split the items, I'll repair my stupidity in a different way soon but it just goes to show how you behave with grief..

One of the things I was truly struggling with moving on wise was Julie's wedding Jewellery and my Wedding ring; at the time I couldn't take off my ring, I just couldn't however I'd already explained the events in a Belfast night club in an earlier blog and how women it seems focus on a guy's wedding finger,  below I'll explain more on this.

This next piece is difficult to write about but the blogs have nearly always been 'warts n all' so here we go.




Julie before she died was adamant that I wasn't to mourn for her forever and that I needed to live my life, she wanted me to find someone else after she left me, you'll recall she even  tried to match make me and a dear friend in the final months of her life so I knew she wanted me to move on. It's a difficult situation though, I certainly didn't want to rush into anything, but other than the odd few months I've been in relationships for most of my adult life certainly for 36 years, to then have an empty bed and no soul mate as I mentioned about June it's a long, long time.  At a dinner with friends before Christmas one of the female friends suggested I joined 'Plenty of Fish' & Tinder, two of today's 'free' dating sites. So, I joined both, on Tinder I had no chance, the principle behind Tinder is you swipe the pictures you see either left (not interested) or right (I like you), it's very superficial and greatly disadvantages ugly beasts like me, I can but imagine I've been swiped left (rejected) thousands of times.. You can and I have my profile filled in on these sites sometimes it helps but often as you have to click on the picture before you swipe. Sometimes your profile  makes you a target for con artists and scammers, this cuts across Women as well as men I've heard. My own experience, a beautiful young lady early 30's ( a word of warning if it sounds too good to be true it probably is!) wanted to be friends then after many messages but still doesn't want to move to talking on the phone 'yet'  explains she lost both her parents in a car crash in America, she went on across several messages to explain things and then explained she had to go to America to speak to her late father's attorney for "Dad used to work in mining in Africa and he's left a load of bullion in a safety deposit reserve in Wisconsin and although she was left everything in her Mum & Dad's wills she had to go to the states to fight her uncle trying to claim this gold, lol she even sent me a picture of a bucket full of gold bullion bars unfortunately for her she chose Madison in Wisconsin as the city and I know Madison relatively well, plus I googled the hospital address on the (spelling mistake riddled) 'death certificate' she sent me and the hospital looked like an industrial unit to me ! There are people who fall for these scammers, I've recently experienced the same again, lol lightning can strike twice it seems, this time the lady 'lived in' Darlington (unfortunately for her another place I know well) she even contacted me from a telephone number which had a Darlington 01325 code so initially it seemed credible until lol she told me she was originally from California and just last year both of her parents died in a car crash... Bizarrely as soon as I said "Wow, what an incredible coincidence blah blah blah, all contact stopped.. Be careful out there whether you are male or female there are unscrupulous people out there wanting to scam you out of your money, stay alert. There is a point to all of this waffle I promise...

On another occasion a local young lady contacted me and was eager to meet, flattering, again much younger than me, my view is what the hell, age is just a number after all I only feel like I'm 39 or 40 despite knocking on 60. We were getting on really well and I offered to take her to dinner, I let her choose the restaurant and she chose 'The Oxton Courtyard' which is really close to me and it's excellent too. So I reserved a table for the Saturday night for 7pm, I notified my date to be who was thrilled. On the night I excitedly got to the busy restaurant and bar, this is 'the place' to be seen around by me, it even overshadows the Michelin Starred Restaurant 'Fraiche' next door. So I arrived early, messaged the young lady, I told the beautiful 'Maitre D' that I'd grab a drink at the bar as I waited, at five past seven I thought it best to head to the table and perused the gorgeous tapas style menu. I explained my date was late and my gut feel was that I'd been unceremoniously stood up.. This young lady said "She may be running late or have broken down, you don't know", I responded that the lack of a call suggested not but she could be late, jokingly she said "Well if she has stood you up, I'll join you!" ten minutes later, order pad in hand my new found friend the lady Maitre D pulled out the chair and sat down opposite me, how kind! We chatted for a while then I said "You're busy lady, take my order, get back to work, if my guest does show I can always order more food" On taking my order she looked at me and said I will be back to sit with you if she doesn't, I laughed but ten minutes later as she bought 'Billy No mates' his food she sat down again. She hadn't been sat down a minute when the look on her face changed dramatically "Are you married?" she asked in an accusatory manner, I could sense I was about to be 'chewed out', she wasn't happy. I held up my wedding hand/finger, "I'm widowed, I lost my wife last September, I just cannot bare to take my wedding ring off yet", she instantly apologised, I responded "It's ok, you're not the first to think that, most after I explain just want to hug and kiss me", she responded "that's exactly how I feel right now, I'm so sorry", I told her not to be so daft and thanked her for her kindness before telling her to bugger off back to work as it was busy. I thanked her on my way out, no I didn't ask for her number (way too young for me) and lol I made an ass of myself as I said goodbye by almost falling down two steps! hilarious, a bizarre night indeed..

I got home and I thought, the wedding ring situation is stupid, clearly I am going to get grilled over it often and to a new woman in your life is it showing you aren't committed to them? Equally the ring expresses my love for Julie, it's a dilemma! As I went to bed I removed my wedding ring and put it on the dresser in 'my' bedroom, in trying to move on I've moved up to 'The Princess & The Pea room', everyone loves this room... So Wedding ring off, as I woke the next morning I felt at ease that the wedding ring was off,  I made the decision that I wouldn't wear it again but I wanted to reunite my ring with Julie's wedding Jewellery and I still wanted it close to me. Ultimately they will pass to Emma, it's what Julie wanted BUT again Julie left everything to me in her will and I'm not ready to part with all of her belongings right now but when it's right I will do what I know she wanted to happen. (Again when writing wills be specific in your requests). Several weeks later I invested in a chain so that I could unite the rings and wear them daily, I often touch my chest through my shirt as a way of comfort knowing Julie and her rings are still with me....


Reunited


And the girls played with grandma's Makeup (and my glasses! Olli the Diva!)

Grandma would be thrilled..
 

Two Crispy Fivers

Two Crispy Fivers

 

 

I know I said the final blog had been published but last weekend's events on a family visit made me realise there is still more to tell and as April 23rd approaches and the family will gather in the Lake District to  fulfil  Julie's last request as in scatter her ashes it would be rude not to bring you up to speed, plus I have had many of you contact me to express your disappointment at their end so I'll use the time between now and late April time to share some quirky stuff with you about Julie Shute hehe; time to give you a smile about her.. In future blogs I'll also share the impact since the beginning of the year too on myself & the family.

So... The tale of the Two Crispy Fivers...

This is going to start off by sounding arrogant but lol (or should that be hehe?) Julie and I seldom fell out, I wasn't the perfect husband but I don't think many would dispute how much we loved each other and how deep that love was... 

 

Part of the reason we didn't fall out often is I never entered into an argument with Julie 'Unless I knew I was right', she'd smirk at me if I came out with anything and she disputed it for I'd always say "You should know by now I never open my mouth unless I'm right" Sounds arrogant I know but, in the main I'll either stay quiet if I don't know what I'm hearing is right or I'll investigate it myself, There's an old adage that goes something like this "Better to stay silent and look stupid than open your mouth and confirm that you are"... Anyway, Several years ago about four I think I went to a cash machine and withdrew some funds, in with it were two of the crispiest five pound notes I'd ever clapped eyes on. It's rare to see £5 notes these days let alone find them coming out of an ATM. So I showed them Julie, her response was "Don't fold them, put them behind your sun visor" (we were in the car) So like the obedient husband I did as I was told. There they stayed for a couple of weeks, to be honest I'd forgotten all about them, hehe Julie hadn't!

 

After one of our lake District weekends as we drove down into Liverpool we passed an area called Miller's Bridge where Julie's dear friend Collette lived, her garden actually backed on to the Leeds Liverpool Canal. We were Sat at the traffic lights and innocently I commented on a bouncy castle that I was convinced was in Collette's garden or one of her neighbour's. Julie responded "It's not in Collette's street", I'd been to Collette's many times so 'I KNEW' this was in Collette's street and if it wasn't in her garden it was in her neighbour's, by now we are a mile down the road and on telling Julie she was wrong she replied, "I bet you one of your crispy fivers you're wrong"... Ha (yes that's me lol), Ha, no way was I wrong, I checked my rear view mirror slowed down and when clear I spun the car around went back and drove into Collette's street and my heart sunk as I hadn't realised there was a street just yards before Collette's, I stopped the car as she smugly went "HA! Mr I don't open my mouth unless I'm right, a crispy fiver please!" she demanded and held out her hand. I also apologise immediately if I am wrong and today was no exception and I humbly dropped my sun visor and removed one of the two crispy fivers and handed it to her. God she was in hysterics at 'her victory' I can see the smile and laugh now, not unlike the one in this picture of her... She put hers behind her sun visor and said "I'm leaving it there as a reminder to you that you're not always right" and she ribbed me all the way home, then she took great glee in telling people she had won a crispy fiver off me... It was all in good fun and yes every time she got in the car as we drove off she'd lower her sun visor and say "Oh look my crispy fiver", I was never going to live this down. Many a time I challenged her when she came out with something I knew to be wrong by saying "I bet you your crispy fiver", the answer was always "No chance" and she'd giggle at me... Over time she won the second off me too, I cannot remember how but she got them both and she fist punched the air. Anyway guys not bad to only be wrong twice in 4+ years haha.... We changed cars, the fivers were transferred and only recently I removed them from the car, I hadn't forgotten them, Julie always said "After I'm gone I want you to go down to Parkgate and buy yourself ice creams with my two crispy fivers".. Parkgate is a quaint Village on the River Dee Estuary with two home made ice cream parlours where we loved to go get ice creams and walk in the summer. I have been down there and yes I bought ice Cream and sobbed my heart out as I sat in the car and ate it... I'm not spending those crispy fivers though, not now not ever....

 

Many of you never knew 'this Julie'