Moving on, how easy is it?

Ok, this is a tough blog for me to write but I hope I can make a difficult subject light hearted and slightly humorous.

 

First though, I've not mentioned Clatterbridge Cancer Charity for a while, I am still fundraising for them and I'm working on something that's so 'hush-hush' that even the team there are puzzled as to what I'm up to.. This when it happens will definitely be a Julie style heehee moment & hopefully you'll support me and we'll continue towards contributing enough to buy those 120 reclining chairs.

 

In the mean time I was joined by my neighbour and good friend Corrinna & her two children as we completed the Clatterbridge Cancer Charity 'Wig-Walk' , held annually at Crosby Beach, thankfully the sun shone for us.  'Twas lovely to catch up with Chris Done & Sam Archibald of 'Team Clatterbridge Cancer Charity' they're so incredibly supportive & caring.  Liverpool's Capital FM team were there supporting everyone too.

 



Catching up with CCC's lovely Chris Done



 



Neighbours & friends Cedella, Kymani, Corrinna and some bloke in a wig...

Sincerest thanks to Adam Johns of Adam Johns Photography who owns the copyright & gave permission to include these pictures.
Click on the link for the Full story of the day
http://www.southportvisiter.co.uk/whats-on/whats-on-news/hundreds-wig-walkers-support-2016-11216782



@adamjohnsphotog        www.adamjohnsphotography.co.uk

OK, moving on.... In the last blog I touched on my 'dating experiences, here is more'..

The blog now is mainly to give others an insight into my life and how I am battling on,  trying to cope and learning how to move on,  it’s also to help those who have been bereaved themselves and are left behind often numb and not knowing when or how they should move on, perhaps they shouldn’t? I don’t know, I do know that I’m not a solitary kind of person though at times I can just shut myself off from the world. The danger with shutting yourself off though is it can become habitual and potentially lead to you becoming reclusive, I don’t know but I suspect in time that would bring on other illnesses such as eating disorders, maybe depression and well the chances are you’ll end up talking to yourself, ha, may not be that bad a thing for if you get answered you’ll probably enjoy the conversations you have with yourself.. I suspect these are extremes, I’ve considered none of these by the way for Julie wanted me out and about and not feeling sorry for myself. If I could speak to her today I'd say "easier said than done though hunny, easier said than done"….

Some very kind friends were helping me through my loneliness Corrinna & I went out for dinner several times and Hannah & I dined an evening away, I had lunch with Gogglebox’s Eve and her now Fiancé Josh. Truly lovely friends and I’m forever grateful for their kindness and support.

From where I am the only options to meet someone new are Pubs or clubs, internet dating sites, blind dates and friend’s introductions.

Pubs and clubs; For a single person to walk into one, it’s daunting and unless you’re a celebrity the chances are you’ll sit/stand at the bar all night long and be ignored, the odd person might get curious but certainly for a non-descript 59 year old guy with a face that resembles a bulldog chewing a wasp lol the chances of you getting ‘hit on’ or chatted up as we say are remote, I’d certainly not recommend this strategy for single women, for sure the more prettier will get hit upon of that I’ve no doubt however, often sometimes the opposite. The more stunning the woman the less chance of her getting hit on… Too many men fear rejection and so ‘won’t go there’, me? I’ve no fear and I’d rather ask & then be told ‘Sorry you’re not my type’ I’d certainly err on the side of caution were I a lone female, sadly this world is getting ever fuller of creeps, perverts and worse…..If you are playing, play safe…… Clubs, I cannot remember the last time I danced around a handbag and seriously not that anyone is going to be drugging me, they'd need a hoist to carry me off very conspicuously but we so often hear of women's drinks being laced with 'date rape drugs such as rohypnol, be careful ladies... 

Another thing is often these environments are loud so holding a decent conversation is going to be difficult. Some pubs hold ‘speed dating nights’, no that’s not dating after you put a room full of single people into a locked room having fed them amphetamines first hahaha… Some bars do run 'Speed dating', for those not aware (I believe for I’ve never been) is an adult version of musical chairs except no one takes a chair away and no you don’t get to unwrap a parcel every time the music stops. It’s where say women sit at a row of tables with an empty seat opposite them; when ‘the game’  starts men are allocated the other seat and against a timer you get to chat to the other person, then a whistle or gong goes and musical chairs start. It could be fun but I’m not sure it’s for me; I’d probably go home with a chair…

Matchmaking Friends; now always a great option, matchmaking friends, I’ve had a few attempt but sometimes the interest is one sided, other times, neither of you are taken by the other, perhaps geography may be an issue too. But how many of you have single friends and try & match make?.... Not many I bet..

The final option (from what I can see) is Internet dating.. Two formats here; dating apps like Tinder & Plenty of Fish or, traditional dating sites though they’re a minefield too!  I’ll share an experience with you from one of them but this was from before I met Julie. Basically you register & you create a profile. Often but not always there are no fees associated with women joining or contacting members but men are charged a fee, or you can join free but if you want to swap messages then you have to upgrade by paying a fee.

 OK, ‘The previous experience' about a year before I met Julie.

I was contacted by a woman on one of ‘the traditional dating sites’ she lived in Stoke on Trent, in those days I travelled a lot work wise. She was lovely, a petite size 10 short haired blonde, she had just retired as a financial advisor for a bank & also co-owned a pub as a sleeping partner. She had a lovely home, lovely personality and was great fun and we seemed compatible. We met and we got on great, she explained she was going on a cruise of the Norwegian fjords the following week, she would be home for a week but 3 days of that she was going to North Wales for a break with her parents then was home a night before she flew out to Palma to pick up a Mediterranean cruise! She knew how to holiday for a girl on her own.. At least she was honest and yes I liked her so this wasn’t going to be an issue for me. During the Norwegian Fjord cruise we swapped messages and spoke daily, my mobile phone bill this month was £90 and this was what 15-16 years ago!  During one conversation she said “It’s a shame you can’t join me on the Mediterranean Cruise it would be fun”. I said there was nothing stopping me and I could take the time off no problem. Excitedly she sent me her cruise agent’s details and told me to add myself to her booking and to get the cabin upgraded to a double!  I called the agent and it was getting messy, rightly she wasn’t going to amend someone else’s booking so I enquired if they had another cabin available on the same deck, they did so I booked it myself separately. We met up and spent the evening & night together a couple of days before we were flying out and everything was, well, excellent.

All sounds great uh? The lady concerned was flying out of East Midlands; I could only get a slightly later flight out of Manchester.  As I got off the plane in Palma my phone was going text crazy…

Her: Where are you?

Her: I’m on the boat.

Me: Just off the Plane see you soon.

Her: Great, I’ve arranged for us to sit on the First Officer’s table for dinner every night.

Me: Wow, I’m impressed.

Her: Where are you?

Me: Collecting my case at the carousel.

Her: see you soon.

Her: Where are you?

Me: I’m on the coach.

Her: Great! Meet me on the top deck at the bar after you’ve checked in.

Me: Will do, it’s so hot, I need a drink.

Her: Where are you?

Me: Just checking in – see you in ten minutes.

She's obviously desperate to see me so I rush to my room, a quick shower and change and I head up to the bar on the top deck. I get a kiss and a hug, I get a drink and she says “Come over to the railings, doesn’t Palma Cathedral look nice?"

So we walked to the railings it’s quite a romantic view, then she says.. “Err I don’t want to do this anymore”..

Me: Don’t want to do what anymore?

Her: The dating thing…

Me: What? Why? (The modern day expression is WTF!!!)

Her: Well, I came on this same cruise same time last year, I met a member of the crew and I had a fling with him and fell madly in love with him and I booked back on this cruise to see if he was on here again and well, he is”!

Well my jaw was bouncing off the floor. Thank god I’d booked my own cabin for ‘plan a’ was that we were sharing a cabin!

Me: Why the hell didn’t you tell me all of this BEFORE I left England, why did you invite me along at all if this was your plan? Now I’m unceremoniously dumped on a sodding ship and I’m here alone, at least with advance notice I could have stayed at home! How she never went over the railings well, I’m glad I have self-restraint… It wasn't just Michael Douglas who met a 'Bunny Boiler' as in Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction..

How crazy was this one? The up side was I had my own cabin, the down was despite all of this she had arranged for us to sit together at the first officer’s table for dinner nightly (No it wasn’t him), oh whoopee doo, NOT. But hey she was not going to spoil my holiday. I had to check the night before what excursion she was going on the next day and I’d go on a different one. Other than at dinner I barely saw her. Anyway I can look back on it and laugh like mad and I bet you just did after the odd 'OMG' and the true upside is the chances of meeting Julie had we got on would have been nil, sometimes things happen for a reason, this was clearly one of them….

Some of you are probably thinking too how could he consider dating as soon as December, Julie only passed away in September? All I’ll say as I explain below;  before you condemn me ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’.

It’s a lonely place when you’ve lost a loved one especially under the circumstances in which we lost Julie. From March 2015 onwards we managed to get her out of the house just three times socially, twice we had lunch in New Brighton and once was the stressful day out for her at the Merseyside Women of The Year Awards, the awards were fun for all including Julie but it was the getting her there, the trips to the loo and to get her in and out of the ambulance, off the stretcher and in and out of her special wheelchair. Caring for Julie, well I just did it; it was only on recently recalling the events that I remembered the intensity of the event and how much time I was focussing on Julie not the event. From cutting up her food, from getting the staff to serve her food and drink on her special plate/bowl and then chasing after her adaptive cutlery that were accidentally cleared away, using her special beaker for drinks. Making sure she was comfortable, ensuring her feet were not clattered by a passer-by to dealing with a seizure, I wasn’t the only one caring for Julie either on this day or on other occasions but it was on reflection a stressful day, that said if I’d have had to do it again, every day and every night, I would…

From March 2015 until 9^th September 2015 there was no social life as such, when there was it was because Julie was in hospital and I went out for guilt ridden or exhausted Dinner with Casper or if we had a hospice at home visitor or friends visit to see Julie I’d take Maureen (Mum) out for a sandwich to a garden centre, by the time we had our sandwich guilt would kick in and we would be back home. Julie and I were out weekly when she was well so to go from that to no social life and the intensity of 24/7 caring and in that time too trying to put in a full week at work, knowing there was only one outcome here was not easy but definitely stressful. I’m not expecting you to feel sorry for me, I did what needed doing, that’s what you do for a loved one….. But should I now be ‘punished’ and lonely because I’ve been robbed of the love of my life? 25 months of knowing a loved one is going to die is mental torture and stress like most of you have never experienced, I don't wish it on any of you. I’m 59 I do not know how long I have left myself but I feel I’m not being unreasonable in wanting to live my life and to try to find happiness again.

So…. just before Xmas I entered ‘the dating arena’,  I joined the much publicised ‘Tinder’ dating app. You fill in your profile information and you set the area you want to search and the search radius and the age range you want to search. There wasn’t a ‘Find me a deaf and dumb 30 year old blond fit nymphomaniac whose father owns a brewery’ search button haha,… ok some of you just uttered he never mentioned she’d have to be blind too lol……

Tinder was initially set up as a 'hook up site' not a dating site but to a degree it has changed with more and more women saying "Don't contact me if you want a one night stand, I am looking for a relationship"..

Tinder is mainly 'all about looks' though and its quite brutal or its users seem to be. Using on a smart phone you open the app and pictures pop up, you either swipe right if you like someone or you swipe left if you don't fancy them. You only know if someone else is interested in you if you both swipe right then you have a match then you can message each other etc. But its brutal on both sides I'd say. What it does show is if you have face book friends in common, again it doesn't tell them about you. You can upgrade and make people aware that they've been 'super liked'.

Then there is 'Plenty of Fish'  (POF) more of a dating site more visible information on people and you have to send a message, it doesn't guarantee a reply though I have to say when I joined and was active on there most women were very polite. Apparently men are often less so and apparently a lot find it funny to pose with a fish...  What do they say, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression"?

Talking of that, pictures are of course key, we are in the main physically attracted before anything else... I've met a couple of women on the site who probably had their pictures taken a couple of years ago or longer than that!  I'd say to both sexes, be honest in your profile and with your pictures, In the main I'd prefer to see a picture of a woman looking like she's setting off to work unless she's a welder lol. I like to see pictures on a night out, to put it bluntly I'd rather see the real woman that I might wake up next to one morning and not want to chew my arm trapped underneath her off to get out of there... (Coyote Ugly I think that comes from - Another film Julie loved) I can only speak about women's profile pictures and to be honest I don't want to see pictures of just your dog or cat or llama or children. I love dogs, cats & children (not keen on Llamas haha) but fine mention them in your profile explain, you've got them and how important they are to you but you are trying to attract a man he wants to see what you look like.

In terms of 'success' It's been a bit of a 'mixed bag',  for some women I'm too old and for a couple actually too young! Probably too bald, too fat and less than good looking for many too....

I've met some lovely women who actually look like their profile picture! My own preference is to chat, swap a few messages and then suggest dinner. Most restaurants you can hear yourself think in and you're relaxed. I think I was fortunate whilst entertaining not one woman got the "Oh no, Oh god I'll come straight away" 'safety call' and most I met at least twice so that felt reasonably good for me. Dating at 'this sort of age' is a challenge for there are often children to consider or pets or, well we have our preconceived ideas about what we want and I think some have been alone so long they're happy to stay that way, it is after all their choice at the end of the day.

Well, It's been a long blog so you'll have to wait for the next instalment where I'm sure you'll 'howl' at some of my dating exploits to date, thank you for continuing to express an interest.



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jumbalances & Shute Manor

It’s been a strange few weeks, Julie’s ashes are scattered, I feel a sense of relief, well, more a weight lifted off my shoulders since we fulfilled her wish. I feel much brighter within myself now but I am still a long, long way from getting over the loss of this amazing woman and wife. Just last night drove home to me that I’m far from over losing my princess even eight months and day after she left me. My drive home from work was relatively normal though the weather was rubbish. As I came towards Liverpool city centre, the road is three lanes wide and I’m in lane two, I’m stopped at traffic lights listening to ‘The Vamps’ (you oldies google them lol) I’m listening to a track called ‘Shout about it’,  in so many ways it makes me smile thinking about Julie, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw blue lights and heard the Siren, an ambulance was trying to make its way through, I pride myself on being able to see situations in advance and so I flashed my lights at the two cars in front of me who moved forwards and over , I followed but pulled broadside across the front of the car in lane one to get out of the way, the skilful ambulance driver would have seen the path we were clearing for him and he wove through the gap, the grateful paramedic in the passenger seat raised his hand in thanks, they were through with little inconvenience and, hopefully they either got the patient on board to hospital quickly or they got to their next patient in time to save their life.. who knows… Almost spontaneously though I just sobbed, the emotion of the moment, the music, the flash backs to having to call ambulances so many times to the house, the stress of waiting for them, of comforting Julie as we waited, the feeling of helplessness seeing her scared and in seizure, then following them to the hospital with their precious cargo of Julie on board just overflowed to the point of being inconsolable, tears were actually running off my face and chin I cried more last night than since the day I kissed her goodbye, even writing and recalling this has brought back the tears….. I’m not going to be getting over her anytime soon…..

Over the same period another two brave ladies and friends have lost their personal battles with cancer, Bernie Singleton aka Bernie the Bucket, fundraiser extraordinaire and Merseyside Woman of The Year award’s Philanthropist of the year 2015 and, a beautiful lady and friend Ann Byrne, I first met Ann over fifteen years ago, she owned BarberAnnes and through Ann I introduced Julie to Ann & dear friend Jeanette. Ann had been fighting cancer for a long long time, I’m guessing five years, even as she fought her battle she’d contact me to ask how Julie was, we last saw each other as the four of us bumped into each other in Costco one Sunday afternoon. Ann fought bravely though she relapsed several times and around the time Julie was nearing the end Ann was in Wirral St John’s Hospice, I truly felt it would be a close call to who we lost first. Ann rallied and she bravely fought on until last weekend when she too lost her battle. The world is poorer in many ways following the loss of these three friends.. My thoughts are with both families and close friends and this blog is dedicated to the memories of Bernie & Ann.

OK, let’s lighten this blog up a little before I reveal an exclusive!

For those that didn’t know, Julie was really quirky at times, hedgehogs were called ‘chitchogs’, armpits called ‘crumpets’ and ambulances called Jumbalances, Best friend June was called ‘Woon’, Best friend on Merseyside Collette was called Olive… (A day larking about with friends including Collette around shops trying on hats and Collette put on a hat and Julie decided she looked like Olive (Anna Karen) off the TV show on the buses (youngsters google it), me? I was called all sorts by

Me & Fatty

her, I even found a photo the other day of Julie & I sat on our stairs at a party, she’d saved it to the lap top as ‘Me & Fatty’, I laughed at the cheek of her but she was right...  hahaha… Cuddles were sniggles.  There are probably many more I’ll try and recall them but for sure she had her quirky ways. She hated the dark, she hated spiders , she hated big lorries on the motorway, she loved the snow, she loved vintage, she’d tell you she should have been a forties or fifties housewife though whether she’d have loved the war years, I very much doubt it but she loved that ‘kind of thing’. She loved Art Deco, she loved Downton Abbey,  She loved Crochetting, Cake baking, Cooking, Card Making, in fact almost anything craft wise. Just realised they all begin with ‘C’.. Spooky..  She loved her children, grandchildren & life itself, she loved her granny, she loved her daddy too, The TV ad “Daddy or Chips?” hehe Chips never,  never 

Daddy or Chips...

stood a snowball’s chance in hell in that competition. Check out her  many skills in the pictures below.... A few more ‘C’s’ She was charming, cheeky, colourful, caring, considerate and at times crazy, lol also at times, mysterious & mischievous but of course that doesn’t begin with C and I’ll cover off the latter in the not too distant future.

Her biggest passion was Shute Manor and her desire to turn it into something special. I bought 55 Grange Mount (it’s boring old name) before I met Julie. I actually bought it without seeing it, I was working in London and the young lady I was involved with then who rented an apartment set about house hunting, a few weeks later I got a call saying “I’ve found the house of my dreams, put an offer in on it”. I listened to the description as she passionately described it, 17 rooms, on four floors then I gulped as I asked the price… The price was scarily low and when I finally saw it the next weekend I realised why, it had been empty for around 18 months, there were even mushrooms growing in the then bathroom..  It was obvious the house had amazing potential and equally it was obviously going to be a money pit too, it needed so much doing to it. I shuddered but I bought it, slowly we started to do up the house then without warning

Mushrooms

that ‘relationship’ broke down and for the first time I was alone in the house. In those days I worked

away four or five days a week and weekends I carried on with the DIY very slowly, the house was built in 1840 lol probably the last time anything was done to it! I wanted to keep its character and when I met Julie thankfully she had a passion and desire to do up the house which had become her home, our home.  She sold her house in Grimsby to move in and she invested in the house by contributing significantly to the new roof we had fitted, in return she became the Co-owner of what she named Shute Manor after we married, more quirkiness.. We both invested a lot of time, effort and money into it. I suppose had we done nothing else for around 8 years we could have got it finished and she would have loved to have completed it however we had a life, an amazing life building memories and doing things quite honestly Julie would never have done had she stayed in Grimsby.  The chances of her ever seeing the Mayan City & Pyramid at Chichen Itza in Mexico, of feeding & swimming with Dolphins, visiting Walt Disney World in Florida and the child coming out in her, visiting the Golden

Vegas baby

Gate Bridge in San Francisco, seeing Rodeo Drive and all of the sights of Las Vegas, the Tulips of the Keukenhof and The World Heritage Site of Kinderdijk and its Windmills in Holland would all of been remote.   We did all of these and much more, some things we did on our own, others with dear friends,  the trade-off was Shute Manor was never finished but, she was so proud of her skills in terms of the interior design and her gardening skills too, she was very special, very special but you all already knew that…

Anyway… For the second time It's ended up just me alone at ‘The Manor’.. This time around it's different... As lovely as it is, as it was and as it can one day be again for me it’s lost its soul. I spend as little time here as I can and since Julie ‘left me’ on September the 9^th it’s been hollow, I’ve spent I think just six or maybe seven weekends at home, most days I’ve deliberately worked way beyond my office hours and I get home around 9pm, most of the time then it’s a routine of check my post, do my laundry, shower and head to bed until the alarm goes off around 06.30 and the pattern begins all over again…

I’ve ummmed and aahh’d since October with what to do, should I stay or should I go? I truly know so few people in the area, well people who I spend time with, daft as it sounds Julie who lived here for a shorter period than me had more friends locally than me, leaving home around seven and getting home around seven as used to be the case left me little time to socialise and that time was always Julie & Me time.  It then begged the question as to what is holding me here? Work is 43 miles away, I could half my fuel bill at least, I could lose the £3.40 a day the Mersey tunnel costs me and if I considered a move to within fifteen minutes of the office I’d probably be around five thousand pounds a year better off and I’d reclaim around two hours a day currently wasted on my commute.

Basically I needed a reason to keep me in Birkenhead other than the closeness to the Mersey & The Irish Sea, some of my favourite eateries and the few close friends. I decided back then (October) that unless I had a reason to stay by the end of December that I’d call in Estate Agents, sell up and move on.  I’m a big believer in when it comes to making important decisions that you draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and on the left I write the pluses and on the right, the negatives, most times if you do that one list is clearly longer than the other, in the main it makes the decision easier.  On my list there are more reasons to go than stay on the face of it.

I’ll write more on the topic (for it’s a blog in its own right) of dating and moving on but in the perfect world I’d find someone locally to give me sufficient incentive/reason to stay, I had several dinner dates from late November &  in December but none of them came to anything beyond lovely dinners and late evenings and prior to entering ‘The Dating Arena’ (and yes that’s what it seems to be) there were a select few women that had they shown an interest I wouldn’t be writing any of this today, alas it takes two like-minded people to want to be in or grow into a relationship and well it’s fair to say there was much more of a desire on my part to want to see if there was reason for me to stay.  I’ll be friends forever with the ladies but I don’t have to live in Birkenhead to keep our friendships and in the words of Arnie "I'll be back". There are two other ladies, young ladies that I’d have been honoured to have become more than friends with but no matter what people say age does make a difference (and lol looks) and suffice to say no matter how special I feel those two ladies are those sort of relationships are purely in the realms of fantasy and will never become reality, approaching 60 it’s lovely to have younger friends and be friends than be considered an old unattractive fool/letch lol, I truly only feel in my late 30’s though, damn you nature! Lol.

Well the end of the year came and dark damp miserable nights came along and I thought “Who’d want to buy a house on a cold miserable and damp night?” Not me!  So I set myself another deadline of the clocks going forwards and the spring coming. Financially I am under no pressure to sell up, Julie was uninsurable with all of her health issues and well I funded the house myself before Julie came along and I continued that throughout our time together, Julie shopped for the house, she more than paid her way in many different ways but her money was hers to spend as she saw fit not on household bills.. Had I gone first the mortgage would have been paid up and Julie would have had a nice little nest egg, as it was and is our mortgage remains, it is small in comparison to most people’s but back to the point whilst there is logic that says move there are no financial pressures to put me in the position to sell up and move even if that is to be my decision. I suspect too my valuation and Estate agent's are going to be some distance apart but I can hold on until I get what I want for it, I’ve invested, no we’ve invested too much time and love into the house to just ‘give it away’….

So the clocks went forwards and spring is here, summer most definitely is not! Light nights put a spring in my step and the house looks better although far from perfect in bright light, it still needs so much doing to it.  Another factor is whilst Julie’s presence is still reflected in her interior design and her quirky ornaments with her ashes scattered in the lake district now it doesn’t  feel such a bad thing to do (as in considering selling the house).. Talking of Julie again (lol after all it still is her blog), I explained previously how I felt about not being able to just throw Julie’s ashes tube away and so I’ve bought the tub, the compost and two lavender plants and the tube was torn up and now forms part of the compost to feed and nurture the plants, they’re intentionally close to the front door & so I see them daily, I feel much better now.

So all of this done, whilst I thought for a short moment I’d found a reason to stay it isn’t to be, so... the exclusive is Shute Manor will be on the market in the very near future, someone else will need to lovingly complete what Foxy started..   Anyone want to buy a house???........

From this

To this

And now with the Foxy Touch

Some examples of Foxy's skills, talents and personality....

She loved to Crochet

Crochet & Cards

How a few buttons became something special

Tea Cosy

Decoupage

Yarn storming Bold Street not once but twice with 'The Happy Hookers'

Wickedly creative

Jam Maker to Gardener

From cakes to broaches & Ear rings

A bit of Julie refelcts in all of her creations..

 

And so it was...

 

Julie’s wishes for where she wanted her ashes to be scattered was quite specific though due to the speed at which she deteriorated it became impossible for her to select her own final resting place.

You’ll recall from an earlier blog that I visited the lakes with dear friends Vince & Denise to choose a spot, I’d previously been on my own and had it in my mind that I’d found the perfect spot versus the brief Julie gave me. She said “I want you to scatter my ashes in the Lake District, somewhere near water but not in it, somewhere I can take in the view, somewhere I can do some good and fertilise a plant, bush or tree and somewhere you and the family can visit me, maybe even have a picnic with me”. For those that know the Lake District, you’d think there were hundreds if not thousands of places, there probably are but I wanted to go that extra mile as in an area I knew Julie loved, I also had to consider the more elderly or let’s say those less fit, my Mother at 84 would be shaking her head at that for she’s probably fitter than me and many others I know. I’m sure you get the gist of the situation though. Vince & Denise instantly felt it was an appropriate spot, I felt good with my choice and I know ‘our princess’ would approve too.

On getting home I contacted all the people I knew, mainly immediate family, I didn’t want or expect this to be a funeral like gathering, certainly not one the magnitude of Julie’s funeral turnout. Everyone was briefed on when and we secured log cabins at the nearby White Cross Bay Holiday Park for the weekend of 22^nd of April. Around a mile from the spot this was the ideal location for us as a family to get together. Maureen, Mum, Mother decided not to make the trip, she’s still coming to terms with the loss of Julie & Henry, I’ve promised I’ll bring her up on another occasion, Julie’s dad, Bob, although he wanted to come and intended to, even I shuddered at the thought of a round trip from Grimsby and home in the same day, with his own health issues sadly I got a call on the Wednesday evening from Julie’s Brother Andy that Bob wasn’t up to the journey and so wouldn’t be with us, I felt and feel so sorry for Bob, the devastation of losing a child and in Bob’s case his only Daughter who was the ‘apple of his eye’. I was pleased to receive a call a couple of weeks earlier from Sue & Mick, Julie’s Brother and his wife who we spent a lot of time dining with after Julie first fell ill, both were able to make the lakes and by coincidence had booked into White Cross Bay too. Julie’s cousin Maria, Her Husband Simon & their children William & Sarah are joining us too along with two very special friends of Julie & myself, Casper was coming over from Holland and Woon, was coming with Emma, Bob & Family, The only ones not mentioned so far are Aaron, Vicky, Emma, Bob and all of their children.

‘Julie’ had been at Shute Manor with me since I collected her ashes last October, I’m not sure if it’s just me but I felt Julie’s ashes couldn’t just be put on a shelf or in a cupboard and forgotten about even for a couple of months, I know I think crazily at times but I’m me and this is how I am….

As part of the funeral arrangements you choose whether you want your loved one’s ashes back or if they are scattered at the crematorium, as you know there was no way Julie was staying in Grimsby ‘heehee’ so on deciding you are collecting the ashes you then get the choice of various urns or small

wooden caskets or, quite often these days the done thing is the choice of a cardboard tube, there are a pre-decorated range and I suppose in this day and age if you wanted your own graphics and were prepared to pay extra you’d get that too. I looked at the collection and I chose something I felt was fitting..

So this is the tube I brought Julie’s ashes home in, it came in a high quality purple carrier bag, Julie’s favourite colour! It’s at times like this I felt there was a certain way I had to behave and how to treat her ashes whilst I was the custodian of them. On getting home last October I put Julie’s ashes next to what was our bed but now mine, I took hold of Winston her ever faithful Teddy bear and secret keeper and I put him on top of the tube and there he stayed until the trip to the Lakes. Julie you’ll recall had a fear of the dark so stupid or not, the bedroom light was never turned off if I wasn’t in the room with ‘her’, stupid uh?.... I ‘spoke’ to her often, I’d enlighten her of events and yes I sobbed occasionally as I told her how much I am missing her & I still asked why she was taken from me, taken from us. There are of course no answers, I know there never will be..

On Friday 22^nd April I packed the car with mine and Casper’s cases and I had to collect ‘the lady’ too, even now I couldn’t put her in the boot of the car, despite being strapped for space as we collected Aaron and his family too from Manchester I put Julie’s ashes in the foot well with me, she’s left ‘Shute Manor’ for the final time..

By 2.30 we were Lake District bound, by 4.30 we were in our respective log cabins and Julie still ‘guarded’ by Winston was on a side table in the Cabin Lounge. It all feels so surreal but I know it’s what Julie wanted. We caught up with all of the family in the bar later and agreed we would meet tomorrow (Saturday) for the short trip to the chosen spot. I had a message land off one of Julie’s secret agent friends who was in the Lakes and told me she was thinking of us all and Julie, I of course invited her explained where we were meeting and also the precise location for she felt she would find it too distressing an experience still, as I said before grieving over Julie wasn’t the monopoly of just me and immediate family, her loss was still being felt hard by other close friends too. This secret agent did pop up to the spot and messaged me later saying it was perfect in every aspect and that she ‘enjoyed’ a moment there also the next day she sent me another message saying she had visited the spot after we as a family had fulfilled Julie’s wishes and she felt better for the moment.

Saturday morning after breakfast I said to Casper that I wanted to check out the location, I did have a ‘plan b’ if the field I’d chosen had been ploughed since my last trip, thankfully it was all good but as with my last visit sheep were also occupying the lower level of the sloping field. Julie would have laughed and be shouting ‘Mint Sauce’ at them that’s definitely a heehee moment.

The weather was being kind too, we drove down to a nearby garden centre, I wanted to get something for Julie to fertilise, I needed a small trowel too and I bought a selection of fine bone china spotty mugs, more on them shortly.

So back to White Cross Bay and at 1.30 we were ‘all present and correct’, Waggon train like we set off the short distance to Holbeck lane opposite The Langdale Chase Hotel. As we all decamped from the cars, I lifted ‘Julie’ & Winston, It’s bizarre but I felt quite at ease with today. The tube is quite heavy, an adult human’s ashes cremate down to around 2-2.5kg, don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you do not get all of the ashes, you do. English crematorium laws are strict.

All gathered we entered the field; thankfully the sheep were just specks down the hill. All gathered I explained I’d never done this before that I was clueless; I asked did anyone else have any thoughts on the subject? The response, serious but also witty was watch which way the wind was blowing… I grabbed a handful of grass and threw it in the air, the grass flew in direction of the gathered clan, lol everyone quickly moved. Julie would have laughed..

 

 

I’d bought four small strawberry plants with us, quickly I dug a small hole and pushed the plants into the ground. I took the tube out of the bag and lifted the lid as I said how much Julie would love this spot, the view was amazing, she had something to fertilise (though I suspect the sheep will be eating strawberries soon) and I explained that next to us was Low Wood Bay Hotel where Julie and I stayed four times, she loved it there so again it’s fitting she is close by it.  I’d not touched the tube since the day I collected it so I was somewhat surprised to find under the lid was a cardboard decorative cover with a serrated hole in the middle. I pushed the centre piece downwards and this was my first glimpse of Julie’s ashes, light grey almost whitish. I asked did anyone want to scatter her ashes and Aaron stepped forward, he scattered a little around and passed the tube back to me, I offered everyone else the chance, no one stepped up so I completed the task. Ashes scattered I brought out the china mugs and some plastic cups. The spotty mugs were to be a keepsake for the ladies here today; they all needed filling with champagne to toast our lovely lady. One glass short I had a bottle, again Julie would have laughed, I even poured some of the champers onto the ashes, the lady loved her champagne it was fitting she shared the toast. All done we just stood there, I remember it was the first chance I’d had to ‘relax’ and look around, bizarrely although some of those gathered were tearful I wasn’t at the time, I felt numb in all honesty. The children had bought Daffodils and some drawings to leave with grandma. I moved them out of the sheep’s way before we left the field, remember in the country respect the country code…

So task completed, wishes fulfilled we headed back to the club house for a drink, somehow Winston was here with us and Olivia wanted to cuddle him, eventually she asked could she sleep with him tonight to keep him company, lol ever thoughtful Ollipop! I explained that would be nice but he would be

coming home with me on Sunday, Olli understood. Eventually retiring to the cabins. I took out Julie’s tube, again is it just me? I could not just stick this in a rubbish bin now it felt wrong and disrespectful, I was too uncomfortable with that. I decided I needed to go back to the spot , Casper came too and we had our own moments of solace, a huge sawn off tree trunk made an ideal seat for Casper and I stood close by, now the tears started, my eyes filled, Casper too was feeling the pain, he and Julie had such an amazing friendship, god we were going to miss her. Casper enjoyed a swig from a hip flask; I took a final swig of champagne. We spent about half an hour there before we cheered up, Julie would not want us sad.

 

Later on as a family we went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant in nearby Ambleside, Julie and I dined here on several occasions, on the last she had me in stitches, I’ve hinted before about another side to Julie, by the end of the year in a nice way I’ll share more of this crazy lady and her antics but now was the time to share this with those present.

It was a cold February night about four years ago we were staying at Low Wood Bay Hotel and heading out for dinner, Julie dolled up as she loved to, and then covered herself in her faux fur retro coat, the children loved to see Grandma in her ‘fur coat’ too so much so they all ended up with their own versions. It seemed admiring Julie in her fur coat wasn’t exclusively for the grandchildren. As we entered the Chinese Restaurant and were being shown to our table a table of eight in front of us a mixture of Mum & Dad, teenage children and their boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s one of the teenage lads was loudly saying “Dad, Dad, Dad! Wow, look at her, Dad, Dad, DAD, look! Julie just smiled and as she pulled open her coat widely she just smirked and said “Yep, you’d just love to wouldn’t you”! The kid coloured up, his dad’s head & jaw  dropped and the lad’s girlfriend elbowed him in the ribs! Major hehehehe, Nothing Julie did surprised me and as we sat down she said “I’m sorry I just had to” and she giggled like mad… Emma laughed and said “Yep, that sounds like Mum”.. It was nice to be back here and to laugh.

Back at the log cabin Casper & I did some ‘damage’ to a bottle of Malt Whisky before we took it in turns to doze off on our respective sofas.

Next morning as we prepared to pack the car I picked the tube up wondering what to do with it, there were still small amounts of ash in the tube, not much but enough to unsettle me, Julie had to be ‘complete’ as in at the same location, I’ve heard of ashes being split between families or scattered across several locations but Julie’s wish, my wish and intention was she’d be in just one location. There was only one thing for it, one final visit to the location to leave this minute amount in the same spot.

Back at home after Casper left the emptiness of the house hit me again, more so than ever before, I’m still not over my beautiful wife and the hole she has left in my life is huge, it’s not going to fill for some time and I’m certain now I am going to have to sell the house and move…

I’ve looked at ‘Julie’s tube’ several times since I brought it home, I will NOT put it in the rubbish bin but what to do. I could burn it on the coal fire but then it came to me, “Buy a flower pot, a lavender bush and break the tube up into the compost, any minute residue of the lady herself will help fertilise one of her favourite plants/bushes, it seems so natural, why hadn’t I thought about it before…    

 

If you've been touched by Julie or her journey and you are in the lake district and want to see her final resting place you are most welcome. Heading from Windermere towards Ambleside you'll see Langdale Chase Hotel, almost immediately and opposite you will see a right turn (Holbeck Lane), go up the hill for around 200 yards and you will see gates left & right of you, you'll also see the sawn off tree stump, park yourself on there, look down towards Lake Windermere and you're within feet of our lovely lady's spirit.. I'll be back, I hope some of you drop by..