Moving on, how easy is it?

Ok, this is a tough blog for me to write but I hope I can make a difficult subject light hearted and slightly humorous.

 

First though, I've not mentioned Clatterbridge Cancer Charity for a while, I am still fundraising for them and I'm working on something that's so 'hush-hush' that even the team there are puzzled as to what I'm up to.. This when it happens will definitely be a Julie style heehee moment & hopefully you'll support me and we'll continue towards contributing enough to buy those 120 reclining chairs.

 

In the mean time I was joined by my neighbour and good friend Corrinna & her two children as we completed the Clatterbridge Cancer Charity 'Wig-Walk' , held annually at Crosby Beach, thankfully the sun shone for us.  'Twas lovely to catch up with Chris Done & Sam Archibald of 'Team Clatterbridge Cancer Charity' they're so incredibly supportive & caring.  Liverpool's Capital FM team were there supporting everyone too.

 



Catching up with CCC's lovely Chris Done



 



Neighbours & friends Cedella, Kymani, Corrinna and some bloke in a wig...

Sincerest thanks to Adam Johns of Adam Johns Photography who owns the copyright & gave permission to include these pictures.
Click on the link for the Full story of the day
http://www.southportvisiter.co.uk/whats-on/whats-on-news/hundreds-wig-walkers-support-2016-11216782



@adamjohnsphotog        www.adamjohnsphotography.co.uk

OK, moving on.... In the last blog I touched on my 'dating experiences, here is more'..

The blog now is mainly to give others an insight into my life and how I am battling on,  trying to cope and learning how to move on,  it’s also to help those who have been bereaved themselves and are left behind often numb and not knowing when or how they should move on, perhaps they shouldn’t? I don’t know, I do know that I’m not a solitary kind of person though at times I can just shut myself off from the world. The danger with shutting yourself off though is it can become habitual and potentially lead to you becoming reclusive, I don’t know but I suspect in time that would bring on other illnesses such as eating disorders, maybe depression and well the chances are you’ll end up talking to yourself, ha, may not be that bad a thing for if you get answered you’ll probably enjoy the conversations you have with yourself.. I suspect these are extremes, I’ve considered none of these by the way for Julie wanted me out and about and not feeling sorry for myself. If I could speak to her today I'd say "easier said than done though hunny, easier said than done"….

Some very kind friends were helping me through my loneliness Corrinna & I went out for dinner several times and Hannah & I dined an evening away, I had lunch with Gogglebox’s Eve and her now Fiancé Josh. Truly lovely friends and I’m forever grateful for their kindness and support.

From where I am the only options to meet someone new are Pubs or clubs, internet dating sites, blind dates and friend’s introductions.

Pubs and clubs; For a single person to walk into one, it’s daunting and unless you’re a celebrity the chances are you’ll sit/stand at the bar all night long and be ignored, the odd person might get curious but certainly for a non-descript 59 year old guy with a face that resembles a bulldog chewing a wasp lol the chances of you getting ‘hit on’ or chatted up as we say are remote, I’d certainly not recommend this strategy for single women, for sure the more prettier will get hit upon of that I’ve no doubt however, often sometimes the opposite. The more stunning the woman the less chance of her getting hit on… Too many men fear rejection and so ‘won’t go there’, me? I’ve no fear and I’d rather ask & then be told ‘Sorry you’re not my type’ I’d certainly err on the side of caution were I a lone female, sadly this world is getting ever fuller of creeps, perverts and worse…..If you are playing, play safe…… Clubs, I cannot remember the last time I danced around a handbag and seriously not that anyone is going to be drugging me, they'd need a hoist to carry me off very conspicuously but we so often hear of women's drinks being laced with 'date rape drugs such as rohypnol, be careful ladies... 

Another thing is often these environments are loud so holding a decent conversation is going to be difficult. Some pubs hold ‘speed dating nights’, no that’s not dating after you put a room full of single people into a locked room having fed them amphetamines first hahaha… Some bars do run 'Speed dating', for those not aware (I believe for I’ve never been) is an adult version of musical chairs except no one takes a chair away and no you don’t get to unwrap a parcel every time the music stops. It’s where say women sit at a row of tables with an empty seat opposite them; when ‘the game’  starts men are allocated the other seat and against a timer you get to chat to the other person, then a whistle or gong goes and musical chairs start. It could be fun but I’m not sure it’s for me; I’d probably go home with a chair…

Matchmaking Friends; now always a great option, matchmaking friends, I’ve had a few attempt but sometimes the interest is one sided, other times, neither of you are taken by the other, perhaps geography may be an issue too. But how many of you have single friends and try & match make?.... Not many I bet..

The final option (from what I can see) is Internet dating.. Two formats here; dating apps like Tinder & Plenty of Fish or, traditional dating sites though they’re a minefield too!  I’ll share an experience with you from one of them but this was from before I met Julie. Basically you register & you create a profile. Often but not always there are no fees associated with women joining or contacting members but men are charged a fee, or you can join free but if you want to swap messages then you have to upgrade by paying a fee.

 OK, ‘The previous experience' about a year before I met Julie.

I was contacted by a woman on one of ‘the traditional dating sites’ she lived in Stoke on Trent, in those days I travelled a lot work wise. She was lovely, a petite size 10 short haired blonde, she had just retired as a financial advisor for a bank & also co-owned a pub as a sleeping partner. She had a lovely home, lovely personality and was great fun and we seemed compatible. We met and we got on great, she explained she was going on a cruise of the Norwegian fjords the following week, she would be home for a week but 3 days of that she was going to North Wales for a break with her parents then was home a night before she flew out to Palma to pick up a Mediterranean cruise! She knew how to holiday for a girl on her own.. At least she was honest and yes I liked her so this wasn’t going to be an issue for me. During the Norwegian Fjord cruise we swapped messages and spoke daily, my mobile phone bill this month was £90 and this was what 15-16 years ago!  During one conversation she said “It’s a shame you can’t join me on the Mediterranean Cruise it would be fun”. I said there was nothing stopping me and I could take the time off no problem. Excitedly she sent me her cruise agent’s details and told me to add myself to her booking and to get the cabin upgraded to a double!  I called the agent and it was getting messy, rightly she wasn’t going to amend someone else’s booking so I enquired if they had another cabin available on the same deck, they did so I booked it myself separately. We met up and spent the evening & night together a couple of days before we were flying out and everything was, well, excellent.

All sounds great uh? The lady concerned was flying out of East Midlands; I could only get a slightly later flight out of Manchester.  As I got off the plane in Palma my phone was going text crazy…

Her: Where are you?

Her: I’m on the boat.

Me: Just off the Plane see you soon.

Her: Great, I’ve arranged for us to sit on the First Officer’s table for dinner every night.

Me: Wow, I’m impressed.

Her: Where are you?

Me: Collecting my case at the carousel.

Her: see you soon.

Her: Where are you?

Me: I’m on the coach.

Her: Great! Meet me on the top deck at the bar after you’ve checked in.

Me: Will do, it’s so hot, I need a drink.

Her: Where are you?

Me: Just checking in – see you in ten minutes.

She's obviously desperate to see me so I rush to my room, a quick shower and change and I head up to the bar on the top deck. I get a kiss and a hug, I get a drink and she says “Come over to the railings, doesn’t Palma Cathedral look nice?"

So we walked to the railings it’s quite a romantic view, then she says.. “Err I don’t want to do this anymore”..

Me: Don’t want to do what anymore?

Her: The dating thing…

Me: What? Why? (The modern day expression is WTF!!!)

Her: Well, I came on this same cruise same time last year, I met a member of the crew and I had a fling with him and fell madly in love with him and I booked back on this cruise to see if he was on here again and well, he is”!

Well my jaw was bouncing off the floor. Thank god I’d booked my own cabin for ‘plan a’ was that we were sharing a cabin!

Me: Why the hell didn’t you tell me all of this BEFORE I left England, why did you invite me along at all if this was your plan? Now I’m unceremoniously dumped on a sodding ship and I’m here alone, at least with advance notice I could have stayed at home! How she never went over the railings well, I’m glad I have self-restraint… It wasn't just Michael Douglas who met a 'Bunny Boiler' as in Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction..

How crazy was this one? The up side was I had my own cabin, the down was despite all of this she had arranged for us to sit together at the first officer’s table for dinner nightly (No it wasn’t him), oh whoopee doo, NOT. But hey she was not going to spoil my holiday. I had to check the night before what excursion she was going on the next day and I’d go on a different one. Other than at dinner I barely saw her. Anyway I can look back on it and laugh like mad and I bet you just did after the odd 'OMG' and the true upside is the chances of meeting Julie had we got on would have been nil, sometimes things happen for a reason, this was clearly one of them….

Some of you are probably thinking too how could he consider dating as soon as December, Julie only passed away in September? All I’ll say as I explain below;  before you condemn me ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’.

It’s a lonely place when you’ve lost a loved one especially under the circumstances in which we lost Julie. From March 2015 onwards we managed to get her out of the house just three times socially, twice we had lunch in New Brighton and once was the stressful day out for her at the Merseyside Women of The Year Awards, the awards were fun for all including Julie but it was the getting her there, the trips to the loo and to get her in and out of the ambulance, off the stretcher and in and out of her special wheelchair. Caring for Julie, well I just did it; it was only on recently recalling the events that I remembered the intensity of the event and how much time I was focussing on Julie not the event. From cutting up her food, from getting the staff to serve her food and drink on her special plate/bowl and then chasing after her adaptive cutlery that were accidentally cleared away, using her special beaker for drinks. Making sure she was comfortable, ensuring her feet were not clattered by a passer-by to dealing with a seizure, I wasn’t the only one caring for Julie either on this day or on other occasions but it was on reflection a stressful day, that said if I’d have had to do it again, every day and every night, I would…

From March 2015 until 9^th September 2015 there was no social life as such, when there was it was because Julie was in hospital and I went out for guilt ridden or exhausted Dinner with Casper or if we had a hospice at home visitor or friends visit to see Julie I’d take Maureen (Mum) out for a sandwich to a garden centre, by the time we had our sandwich guilt would kick in and we would be back home. Julie and I were out weekly when she was well so to go from that to no social life and the intensity of 24/7 caring and in that time too trying to put in a full week at work, knowing there was only one outcome here was not easy but definitely stressful. I’m not expecting you to feel sorry for me, I did what needed doing, that’s what you do for a loved one….. But should I now be ‘punished’ and lonely because I’ve been robbed of the love of my life? 25 months of knowing a loved one is going to die is mental torture and stress like most of you have never experienced, I don't wish it on any of you. I’m 59 I do not know how long I have left myself but I feel I’m not being unreasonable in wanting to live my life and to try to find happiness again.

So…. just before Xmas I entered ‘the dating arena’,  I joined the much publicised ‘Tinder’ dating app. You fill in your profile information and you set the area you want to search and the search radius and the age range you want to search. There wasn’t a ‘Find me a deaf and dumb 30 year old blond fit nymphomaniac whose father owns a brewery’ search button haha,… ok some of you just uttered he never mentioned she’d have to be blind too lol……

Tinder was initially set up as a 'hook up site' not a dating site but to a degree it has changed with more and more women saying "Don't contact me if you want a one night stand, I am looking for a relationship"..

Tinder is mainly 'all about looks' though and its quite brutal or its users seem to be. Using on a smart phone you open the app and pictures pop up, you either swipe right if you like someone or you swipe left if you don't fancy them. You only know if someone else is interested in you if you both swipe right then you have a match then you can message each other etc. But its brutal on both sides I'd say. What it does show is if you have face book friends in common, again it doesn't tell them about you. You can upgrade and make people aware that they've been 'super liked'.

Then there is 'Plenty of Fish'  (POF) more of a dating site more visible information on people and you have to send a message, it doesn't guarantee a reply though I have to say when I joined and was active on there most women were very polite. Apparently men are often less so and apparently a lot find it funny to pose with a fish...  What do they say, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression"?

Talking of that, pictures are of course key, we are in the main physically attracted before anything else... I've met a couple of women on the site who probably had their pictures taken a couple of years ago or longer than that!  I'd say to both sexes, be honest in your profile and with your pictures, In the main I'd prefer to see a picture of a woman looking like she's setting off to work unless she's a welder lol. I like to see pictures on a night out, to put it bluntly I'd rather see the real woman that I might wake up next to one morning and not want to chew my arm trapped underneath her off to get out of there... (Coyote Ugly I think that comes from - Another film Julie loved) I can only speak about women's profile pictures and to be honest I don't want to see pictures of just your dog or cat or llama or children. I love dogs, cats & children (not keen on Llamas haha) but fine mention them in your profile explain, you've got them and how important they are to you but you are trying to attract a man he wants to see what you look like.

In terms of 'success' It's been a bit of a 'mixed bag',  for some women I'm too old and for a couple actually too young! Probably too bald, too fat and less than good looking for many too....

I've met some lovely women who actually look like their profile picture! My own preference is to chat, swap a few messages and then suggest dinner. Most restaurants you can hear yourself think in and you're relaxed. I think I was fortunate whilst entertaining not one woman got the "Oh no, Oh god I'll come straight away" 'safety call' and most I met at least twice so that felt reasonably good for me. Dating at 'this sort of age' is a challenge for there are often children to consider or pets or, well we have our preconceived ideas about what we want and I think some have been alone so long they're happy to stay that way, it is after all their choice at the end of the day.

Well, It's been a long blog so you'll have to wait for the next instalment where I'm sure you'll 'howl' at some of my dating exploits to date, thank you for continuing to express an interest.