The Dating Game..

 

 

 

It’s shortly time to update you on my attempts at dating but first, some day to day moving on stuff.

It’s amazing the things that ‘get to you’, I previously explained about the ambulance incident a couple of editions ago and whilst mainly I’m at peace with myself and my loss now it isn’t always the case and just the smallest of things can ‘set you off’…  Probably the strangest of late was my or rather ‘our car’… I’m not ‘Status or car orientated’, I barely own anything with a designer label and cars have always been about practicality not being swanky..

My last car when I bought it was a three year old VW Tiguan, Both Julie and I liked it for it was spacious and as a 4WD gave a bit more height which gave Julie added assurance both before and after she became ill, It lacked boot space especially at Xmas time when we headed to Grimsby loaded down with our suitcases and presents, thankfully the back seats folded down. The only time space was a problem was when on one of Julie’s ‘bucket list’ trips, driving to Aviemore with Casper & Annelise with us I’d worked out we would need a roof box too. We had many happy

Julie Enjoying Jersey 2014

journeys in that car including when we drove to Jersey, well we took the ferry too lol . Yes Julie was ill by then, in fact it was our final proper holiday, she so loved it…. Anyway, as usual, I digress. I recently had a premonition that at six years old it was time for the Tiguan to go. I’ve no idea what it was but something or ‘someone’? kept saying ‘Get rid of the car it’s going to start getting costly’. The upshot is I sold it. As I watched the car being driven away, like a child I just burst into tears, I’ve never felt any kind of affection towards a car before but somehow this was different, It was watching another part of my life with Julie & our memories leaving me. I felt a right charley as I walked back up my path sobbing, trying to tell myself, “It was just a car, it was just a bloody car"……….

A strange thing happened recently too,  out of the blue, a young lady called Becky who works for Macmillan as ‘Digital Communications Officer’ contacted me explaining ‘they’ had recently come across the blog and felt the ‘Macmillan – Their important role’ was a great read in terms of the information it shared in terms of how crucial their support was, Jayne our Macmillan Nurse featured and again I’ll go on the record of saying Julie’s pain Management, stress and agitation was kept under control thanks to Jayne’s caring, compassionate & rational team approach. Basically Becky wanted to know could they ‘promote the blog’ via their Facebook & Twitter accounts.  I was also asked to put a tip on their ‘The Source’ Website, I explained how talking with Jayne assisted Julie and myself (my mum too).. The promoting of that particular blog had an incredible impact, driving readership up to over 1,400 reads, in total now Fluff’s Journey has had an amazing 77,000 reads. https://source.macmillan.org.uk/blog/ 

May was Brain Tumour Awareness month & I was also asked to do a guest editor slot on their ‘Tip of the Week’ feature, feedback was that It reached 143,595 people on Macmillan’s  Facebook and just over 1,600 ‘reactions’ it turned out to be the 2^nd most popular post in the last two months. I feel very humbled and I am sure Julie would too that her story and her journey has touched so many other people. If we help just one person, just one, it will ease the pain of the significant loss of Julie to us all.

Talking about Cancer or the impact of it on you or a loved one can be difficult, did you know you can call Macmillan on 08088080000  Remember No one should face cancer alone…..

I’ve visited the family since the last blog too, they’re still tearful affairs for me, the journey over with an empty passenger seat, and how can it ‘hurt’ so bad? From nowhere my eyes still well up with tears. The grandchildren, all six of them put a smile on my face, bless them they’re too young to feel the impact of losing Grandma that Emma, Aaron, Vicky & Bob feel and they’re a refreshing distraction. Oliva ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ Buckley decided as we went to Cleethorpes Pleasure

Screaming Daredevil twins

Island Amusement Park that I should accompany her on rollercoasters and lord knows what, she is just fearless as are the twins, a heehee moment, on the roller coaster olli is more concerned about me and telling me as she held on to me “I’ve got you Andy, you’ll be alright”. Although unspoken we try to convince each other as ‘adults’ that we’re ok, it’s so obvious to all of us that we’re not. We’ve just passed the 9 month anniversary of losing Julie (I know, where does the time go?) but it feels at times like it was just yesterday….  I took over some of the gifts the children had given

A gift to Mum

Mum over the years, it’s not that I dislike them or don't want them but it’s more fitting now that they’re a memento of Mum.. I also took over Julie's perfumes & some photographs from her memories box for the children and for Julie’s dad, I also returned two pieces of family artwork that had belonged to Julie's Granny. Of all of us my heart goes out to Julie’s dad the most, he is truly heartbroken, no parent should have to attend their child’s funeral… As a distraction he’s treated himself to a beautiful young springer spaniel pup, it’s nice to see a smile on his face as he plays with her….

Well you have waited long enough to hear about the dating exploits. Surprisingly to me, the world must be full of women with poor eyesight for I’ve met my fair share of ladies in the last four months, sadly none of the meetings have progressed to anything but here is a glance at some of the events… It’s a rollercoaster ride I can tell you!

I met one lady who seemed very nice though she had family life complications including a couple of her adult children and one of their partner’s living with her and a grandchild not that I met them though mid telephone conversation one night her drunken son grabbed the phone and was being less than complimentary to me so I hung up and that was the end of that. It's obvious dating in your 50's that you're going to be often involved ultimately with more than just the person you're dating but I still expect to be treated with respect and I'm not used to a drunken culture..

Another lady, beautiful, seemed great fun and was very affectionate, she seemed to be a good match for me but everything was done by text message and arrangements to meet were pretty much always the day before we met. My initial thoughts were there was ‘someone else’ involved but that wasn’t so but whilst I don’t want to talk the hind legs off a donkey I don’t want to spend my life swapping lengthy  text messages when we’re apart when we could have made arrangements over the phone in probably less than a minute. I ultimately felt like I was being taken for granted and when one evening just before I set off from work to her apartment for a pre-arranged date night I text to say I was on my way, then was asked to text when a little nearer, I did but no response, I tried again and at this point with no response I messaged back saying I was heading straight home. Bizarrely a week later I got a message asking could we go out again… Seems to be the done thing from my experience now. As you read on you’ll see why I say that.

I met a woman for dinner one evening in Bolton, whilst she resembled her profile pictures off the dating website she’d either aged very quickly or, they were taken several years ago. I hate deceit and whilst her company over dinner was good, for many reasons including she’d have been out of my financial league and we had slightly different interests it wasn’t going to work for me, seemed not for her neither for the next morning I received a message in summary saying "thanks but no thanks". That was back in March and then just two days ago (June) she called me again! For reasons I’ll go into probably in the next blog I’ve decided to extract myself from the dating arena and I explained to this lady but how bizarre to make contact again hoping to pick up where you left off.

I contacted another woman around the same time, arranged to meet the next evening, the next evening she’s just disappeared. A month later I contacted a woman and arranged to meet her and as we chatted the night away she dropped out “We spoke before you know”… Same woman though she had changed her hair style & colour. She was fun but a lot younger than me and whilst I do not believe I’ve ‘banged on about Julie’ it’s natural that she came up in conversation and I’d answer any questions any of my dates had about her. We were seeing each other until just before I took Julie’s ashes to the lake district, I explained it was a private family event and she seemed to understand but there was no contact from her after I returned home. Wonder if she’ll call again…

I met another woman, very pretty, very ‘fit looking’, self employed, own successful business, we met for dinner three times we got on amazingly, whilst she had grown up children they’d flown the nest and she had two dogs that seemed to be her life. Although we’d got on great, I wasn’t feeling any romance with her, it was almost like she’d found a mate to have dinner with. Easter weekend approached and I had no intention of spending four nights alone in Shute Manor so I booked a cottage near Carlisle and Hadrian’s wall, one part of our heritage I’d never seen.

I deliberately chose a two bedroomed cottage that was pet friendly, I contacted the lady concerned and explained what I’d done and invited her along for some or all of the long weekend. She was pleasantly pleased especially at my consideration over the dogs, I explained if we were to progress I appreciated the dogs would be an important part of ‘our lives’ so I needed to get to know them too. I explained about the two bedrooms and that she was under no pressure in regards to the sleeping arrangements. She decided to come up on the Saturday, she loved the cottage as did the dogs. Whilst still no affection being shown as such this felt initially very comfortable.. Then things started to go downhill for me.

As we sat there chatting the dogs were just finding their way around the cottage and taking in the view through the patio windows, then first one then the second jumped on the sofa.. I didn’t say anything initially but given this is someone else’s property, personally had they been my dogs there is no way they’d have been on the sofas let alone what followed.

As we sat on one sofa one of the dogs jumped on an adjacent one and started rubbing its face on the cushions, I understand dog’s needs to mark their territories and there could have been worse ways to do this lol… But then as she giggled at the dog doing this said “She’s funny her, you watch her she’ll start humping the pillow next”..! Sure enough this small dog mounts the pillow and well…..my jaw is bouncing off the floor, I hadn’t come away for the weekend to watch dogs perform pillow porn lol! You could not make this up and not for the first time in my life I’ve thought “This could only happen to me”…I politely told her to take the dog off the sofa…. In my head I’ve already decided none of this is compatible with me and I wasn’t disappointed that later she chose to sleep on her own.

Sunday I drove us and the dogs up to Gretna Green, allegedly the most romantic place in the UK but as we toured one of the Blacksmith’s wedding chapels still no chemistry..  As we got back to the cottage and had a coffee she said “I don’t know what to do”, I queried the statement,  apparently she had arranged to have lunch with her daughter on Monday and didn’t know if to travel back ‘tonight’ or in the morning. I took this as an ideal moment to say “Probably best to go tonight as the traffic may be bad tomorrow being a bank holiday”. So with that she set off.

Monday morning I set off for the Lake District and to the spot I’d chosen for Julie’s ashes to be scattered just to reassure myself one last time.

Not long after I got home a previous young lady I’d met, who I thought we were getting on really well together, but subsequently she also ‘ditched me’ was texting me to say “I really miss you”…. Stupidly I gave this woman another chance but within a fortnight I was well and truly kicked to the curb again!

It’s almost like they ‘test the waters’ with me then decide “nah he’s not for me” to then probably date a few arses and then realise Andy was a nice guy after all!

To be honest it’s tiring and the constant ups and downs of it get me down. I don’t believe I’ve been over the top, spoken about Julie too much or tried to smoother them with kindness affection and gestures, I’d rather go at ‘their pace’..

One last one for you, the date that never was….

I contacted a woman who seemed lovely and certainly looked good in her pictures and she was relatively local to me. Sods law was it was just before Mother’s day weekend and I was going down to see Mum/Maureen. It was the Thursday daytime around noon & I swapped messages, I told her I’d message her then call her on my way home from work after she’d supplied me her number.

I left work at 6 and sent her a message that said “Hiya, I’ve just finished work and am in my car, fancy a chat?” Well I drove almost 40 miles and no response. I stopped for petrol and as I got in my car saw a message had landed, it read “No you cannot! I’ve been waiting for you to get in touch instead you’re chatting to other women on Plenty of Fish, forget it!” I was gobsmacked I’d been working not chatting to anyone on POF so I messaged her back even sent a pic of my car dashboard. “I’ve been driving for 45 minutes, I have NOT been on POF, nor am I talking to anyone else!”, she called me most apologetic saying I was showing as being on line – I never log out of the site but I definitely hadn’t been back on POF. Anyway, we chatted I said I’d like to take her to dinner but as it was mother’s day and I was visiting my mum I couldn’t until the Monday night, she was fine with that and I made reservations at a restaurant for us.

Friday I was busy and sent one message saying “Hope you’re having a great day”, Saturday as I was out for lunch with Mum I messaged her saying again “Hiya, hope you’re having a great day”, this came back “Look if you’ve gone away for the weekend with another woman just tell me and we’ll call it a day”! I sent her a pic of my 84 year old hot date and a message to that effect lol. Message came back saying “I thought you’d gone away with someone else”…. Phew, clearly major trust and insecurity issues here, I was beginning to have my doubts on this. Saturday night late on we chatted on the phone for almost two hours, we were clearly getting on well but I expressed my concerns over the trust issues and even said “Whichever man has hurt you so badly for this insecurity to rear its head has a lot to answer for” I told her I was genuine and once we had met on Monday night I’m sure she would be reassured.

Sunday Morning I was about to set off for home and I checked my emails, there were two from the admin team at POF saying “You’ve got new messages”, puzzled as my profile is hidden, (I always hid my profile once I was seeing someone) so I went on to the website, the messages were just POF saying “New members, check them out”.. I then thought I’d better let my date to be know that I’d been back on POF & why after the last blowout over this. The response that came back was unreal, not much shocks me but this did! “You’re a F*****g liar, you’re back on there talking to other women, I’m F*****g sick to death of your type messing me about and lying” I messaged back “I’ve not messed you about, I’ve been totally honest with you, I’m sorry though and I’ve never done this before but our dinner date is cancelled, you, your insecurities and I are clearly not suited, good bye”… Another tirade of vitriolic abuse followed and I just messaged back saying “Please do not message me again”…  Phew! It’s hard work and it’s stressful…

So there you have it, my dating experiences to date.   I should count myself lucky that women want to meet me at least once. All I want though is someone to share some good times with and to be part of me rebuilding my life and moving on, seems even that is too much for me to ask for.

So, a combination of my experiences plus; so long as I live at Shute Manor I’ll invariably end up dating local women and if that occurs I’ll probably never move and I am now adamant I will so I decided no more dating or dating websites for me until I’ve sold Shute Manor, it makes sense to wait until I’ve relocated and find someone local to me there, I’d hope that will be in the next 3-4 months but until then I don’t need the added stress, grief and hassle that’s seeking me out it seems.