Happiness is.... |
The worst thing about moving on after someone passes away for most and this includes me is those ‘firsts’ without your loved one, First Christmas, First Birthday’s etc. and whilst these are common across all family members the one that hits home in my instance the most is my first wedding Anniversary without Julie.
We were
married on June 19th 2010, it was the most amazing day and of course
as I write this on 20th June 2016 yesterday was to have been our 6th
Wedding Anniversary.
We had both
been previously married and one of Julie’s regrets when we discussed marriage
was that her first wedding was rushed and done on the cheap; she even did her
own catering on the day. She understood the financial constraints and she had a
lovely day marrying her first husband George. Julie for those that know her in
person and have picked up what she was like through the blogs will know whilst
she never had delusions of grandeur she wanted nice (not necessarily expensive)
things in life. She dreamt of getting married in a castle, this would have
been her fairy tale wedding. My mantra when it came to Julie even before she
was ill was “What Julie wanted, Julie got”. She wasn’t spoilt and
she wasn’t demanding but she knew what she liked and whilst I’m not rich except
in memories now I earned sufficient that I was able to fund her fairy tale wedding & offer Julie the
opportunity to give up work when she was recovering from a previous illness/operation. After all ‘Shute Manor’ and it’s 17 rooms was almost a full time job
keeping it clean & her tweaking it with her interior design skills to turn
it into our home with a bit of a wow factor. It was not finished, now that’s
for someone else to do but when the army of carers and healthcare professionals
came to see Julie they all wanted to see around ‘Shute Manor’ and the comments
were genuinely so complimentary at what Julie had done to the place. I mainly
did the basics to get the house ready for the finishing, I smile as I recall
being told I was banned from painting and decorating by Julie for my finishing
"wasn’t to her standards" heehee…
As usual I’ve
digressed, the point I was trying to get to was when we decided to get married
I wanted her to have her fairy tale wedding. I actually found a castle just
over
the Scottish border near Gretna Green that did Weddings and I made enquiries. When I sent Julie the web link and I called her she said “It’s perfect, but what about my parents?” I replied “What about them, it’s you I’m marrying not them.” She explained and as often was so, she was right. They were too old and health issues would impact on their journey and I suspect they’d have declined the invite and for ‘Daddy’s girl’ not to have her parents at her wedding… Well it wasn’t going to happen so I started to seek a venue in Lincolnshire where Julie’s parents live. By chance I stumbled upon a hotel called The Priory Hotel in Louth, it's about 15 miles from Grimsby. It looked perfect, Julie liked the look of it, I spoke to then Owners Paul & Shelley and we dashed over that weekend to check it out in person and I immediately shook hands with them and we confirmed the booking and date.
the Scottish border near Gretna Green that did Weddings and I made enquiries. When I sent Julie the web link and I called her she said “It’s perfect, but what about my parents?” I replied “What about them, it’s you I’m marrying not them.” She explained and as often was so, she was right. They were too old and health issues would impact on their journey and I suspect they’d have declined the invite and for ‘Daddy’s girl’ not to have her parents at her wedding… Well it wasn’t going to happen so I started to seek a venue in Lincolnshire where Julie’s parents live. By chance I stumbled upon a hotel called The Priory Hotel in Louth, it's about 15 miles from Grimsby. It looked perfect, Julie liked the look of it, I spoke to then Owners Paul & Shelley and we dashed over that weekend to check it out in person and I immediately shook hands with them and we confirmed the booking and date.
Whilst Julie’s
skills were in interior design and her crafting skills, which she put to good use
for the wedding preparation and with the aid of friends like Jacqui, Xena, June, Collette and My Mum Maureen, they
made up the invitations, the place setting cards, the ‘wedding favours’ in fact
so many things I cannot recall them all but my skills came in to the
organisation of the event. She initially laughed as I pulled together a
spreadsheet with all the different elements on it and when we needed to achieve
things by to make sure the day went perfectly and as we progressed she saw the benefits. She would often say that
ensured her day was the happiest day of her life (truth be told it was mine
too). Truthfully it went perfectly, the one slight glitch was the morning
before the wedding as I dropped Julie at the hotel we checked out the marquee
in the grounds and the dance floor was a plain wooden dance floor when I thought
I’d specified I wanted a ‘chess board type dance floor’. A quick call to the
amazing Betts Marquee company who were based just yards away and they were on
site to point out I’d got what I’d ordered… within the hour they had kindly
begun to remove the plain floor and lay a chess board style floor… lol it cost
me but it was worth it. Besides that our wedding truly was perfect….
We all (I think)
have a reasonable expectation to live into our late seventy’s (or longer) which
seem to be the ‘new fifty’ judging by people I know including my mother who, in
her eighties leaves younger people standing when she goes off 'on a mission'. So
to have married Julie and to have had just five wedding anniversaries with her
and to have lost her aged 54, just check out the happiness in these pictures & well I think I have (we all have) every right to
feel robbed.
I couldn’t let
this first anniversary since losing my princess go by without ‘being with her’
so I planned to spend time with her at her resting place, our spirits together at least.
Before I set
off I checked my emails and was surprised to see an email from Clatterbridge’s ‘Associate
Director of Communications’. She explained that the Sunday Telegraph had
published a piece on the government’s plan to increase the number of patients
in the UK who could access treatments such as Julie had had (Novalis Tx
Stereotactic Radiotherapy) and that Clatterbridge as one of the few specialist
hospitals to offer this procedure for patients with brain tumours was part of
the process, they intended to issue a press release of their own on Monday and “could
I give them a quote to include”, as usual it is a pleasure and I see this as
Julie’s influence continuing though now only in spirit. She would be so proud.
She was so unassuming and modest and didn’t truly appreciate the impact that
she was having on other people’s lives by her charity work and the support she
gave Clatterbridge including giving permission for her SRT session and the build
up to it to be filmed.
So a short telephone
conversation with Emer from Clatterbridge and I gave her a couple of quotes for
possible inclusion. This is exciting
news for Clatterbridge, its Merseyside patients and for the country as a whole.
Whilst the local paper was quick to publish the exciting news today, they didn’t
include the quotes but this journey isn’t all about us. http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/14568008.Clatterbridge_Cancer_Centre_among_trusts_chosen_to_deliver_pioneering_treatment/?ref=rss&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter
I headed to
the Lake District, it was anything but the perfect day but at this point it was
still dry. I drove up to my now regular parking spot and stopped the engine, as
I looked across the adjacent field/meadow my eyes went wide as a young female
deer was grazing. I smiled and thought, “yes, this was the right spot for you
hunny”, It’s so tranquil and even the odd passing car didn’t startle ‘Bambi’…
Thankfully I’d brought my camera and managed to get a few pictures of both the
Deer and the ever changing landscape around me. I sat on the sawn off tree
stump I’ve previously
mentioned, I took the chain holding our wedding jewellery from around my neck and held and kissed them, by now my eyes were tear-filled. I was looking down onto the spot where we had scattered Julie’s ashes, in the short period of time since, I was stunned to see the exact spot covered in fresh growth of stinging nettles, It’s stupid to say it but it was almost as if in fulfilling her desire to fertilise and nurture plant life Julie had chosen to protect herself with nettles! Although I couldn’t see them I am certain seeing this growth that the strawberry plants I planted are still there and not as we feared having been nibbled by the then grazing sheep, I smiled wickedly thinking “Maybe I should have planted Mint or Rosemary instead” Julie would have chuckled at that, she’d have been chuckling anyway at the irony of nettles for we had a private joke between us about this evil plant…
mentioned, I took the chain holding our wedding jewellery from around my neck and held and kissed them, by now my eyes were tear-filled. I was looking down onto the spot where we had scattered Julie’s ashes, in the short period of time since, I was stunned to see the exact spot covered in fresh growth of stinging nettles, It’s stupid to say it but it was almost as if in fulfilling her desire to fertilise and nurture plant life Julie had chosen to protect herself with nettles! Although I couldn’t see them I am certain seeing this growth that the strawberry plants I planted are still there and not as we feared having been nibbled by the then grazing sheep, I smiled wickedly thinking “Maybe I should have planted Mint or Rosemary instead” Julie would have chuckled at that, she’d have been chuckling anyway at the irony of nettles for we had a private joke between us about this evil plant…
I walked to
the field gate, then through it and stood by ‘the spot’, I was telling Julie
how much I was missing her, how hard it is for us all without her, I was
sobbing, this is stupid I know, it’s irrational; I explained; ”Six years ago
today at this time, we were getting ready for our marriage , “I can’t believe
we only had five years hunny life is so unfair.” I told her about visiting our
family, I explained how poorly her dad is, I
explained that the house has now
been valued and it will be on the market within a fortnight. I explained how
her hard work and interior design skills had pleasantly impacted on the
valuation. I explained now was the time for me to move on and it was for
someone else to finish what I’d started and Julie & I continued with, 170
year old houses need on-going upkeep. The field was quite damp, the grass and
the plants were all showing the damp so through my tear filled eyes, I said “I’m
going to sit up on the tree stump hunny, please come and hug me” It’s so damn
irrational I know but I am who I am… I exited the field and ensured the gate
was secure and took up my position on this tree stump, a few cars passed even a
police van but no one noticed my tears and most would assume as I had my camera
with me that it was just some guy making the most of a photo opportunity.. The
deer was still in the adjacent field, Windermere below me was an ever changing
landscape as the boats and the tree shadows and clouds changed it. I knew I’d
met her needs in full. I hadn’t previously thought about my own ashes when that
day ultimately comes but now I’m positive I want to be ‘reunited’ with Julie,
another trip to the solicitors will be happening soon regarding the house so I’ll
have my will re-written then. Remember, the only guarantee your wishes will be
fulfilled is if you state them in a legal document such as a will.
Across Lake Windermere |
With these rings.... |
I was still
holding our wedding jewellery on the necklace as the time approached 1pm; I
explained how excited I was waiting for her to walk into the room, how radiant
she looked as she walked to take
The rain
began to set in and I decided to head south to my hotel near my office, for
several reasons I didn’t want to be alone in ‘Shute Manor’ today.. It was only
when I lay on my hotel bed around 8.30pm that I realised how emotionally
draining today had been and the next thing I knew it was gone midnight….
her position next to me. As my phone clicked
to 1pm I just sobbed and howled, I was holding the rings so tightly they put an
imprint into my fleshy palm. As I composed myself I kissed the rings and gazed
at the nettles and the view. I took pictures of the rings on the tree stump and
the words from our wedding were fresh in my head, “With this ring…” I sat there
until approaching 2pm before I said my goodbyes; I said I’d be back next month
for the next ‘first’ Julie’s birthday…. Then set off for the nearby Low Wood
Bay Hotel, our favourite hotel where we stayed four times and I spent a couple of
hours here taking in the lake view and enjoying a sandwich, there was a young
couple on the next lounge table being served afternoon tea, the romance of it
all wasn’t lost on me and of course I thought “I wish that was foxy and me”….
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