(UN)Happy Anniversary

Happiness is....

The worst thing about moving on after someone passes away for most and this includes me is those ‘firsts’ without your loved one, First Christmas, First Birthday’s etc. and whilst these are common across all family members the one that hits home in my instance the most is my first wedding Anniversary without Julie.

We were married on June 19^th 2010, it was the most amazing day and of course as I write this on 20^th June 2016 yesterday was to have been our 6^th Wedding Anniversary.

We had both been previously married and one of Julie’s regrets when we discussed marriage was that her first wedding was rushed and done on the cheap; she even did her own catering on the day. She understood the financial constraints and she had a lovely day marrying her first husband George. Julie for those that know her in person and have picked up what she was like through the blogs will know whilst she never had delusions of grandeur she wanted nice (not necessarily expensive) things in life. She dreamt of getting married in a castle, this would have been her fairy tale wedding. My mantra when it came to Julie even before she was ill was “What Julie wanted, Julie got”. She wasn’t spoilt and she wasn’t demanding but she knew what she liked and whilst I’m not rich except in memories now I earned sufficient that I was able to fund her fairy tale wedding &  offer Julie the opportunity to give up work when she was recovering from a previous illness/operation. After all ‘Shute Manor’ and it’s 17 rooms was almost a full time job keeping it clean & her tweaking it with her interior design skills to turn it into our home with a bit of a wow factor. It was not finished, now that’s for someone else to do but when the army of carers and healthcare professionals came to see Julie they all wanted to see around ‘Shute Manor’ and the comments were genuinely so complimentary at what Julie had done to the place. I mainly did the basics to get the house ready for the finishing, I smile as I recall being told I was banned from painting and decorating by Julie for my finishing "wasn’t to her standards" heehee…

As usual I’ve digressed, the point I was trying to get to was when we decided to get married I wanted her to have her fairy tale wedding. I actually found a castle just over

the Scottish border near Gretna Green that did Weddings and I made enquiries. When I sent Julie the web link and I called her she said “It’s perfect, but what about my parents?” I replied “What about them, it’s you I’m marrying not them.” She explained and as often was so, she was right. They were too old and health issues would impact on their journey and I suspect they’d have declined the invite and for ‘Daddy’s girl’ not to have her parents at her wedding… Well it wasn’t going to happen so I started to seek a venue in Lincolnshire where Julie’s parents live. By chance I stumbled upon a hotel called The Priory Hotel in Louth, it's about 15 miles from Grimsby. It looked perfect, Julie liked the look of it, I spoke to then Owners Paul & Shelley and we dashed over that weekend to check it out in person and I immediately shook hands with them and we confirmed the booking and date.

 

Whilst Julie’s skills were in interior design and her crafting skills, which she put to good use for the wedding preparation and with the aid of friends like Jacqui, Xena, June, Collette and My Mum Maureen, they made up the invitations, the place setting cards, the ‘wedding favours’ in fact so many things I cannot recall them all but my skills came in to the organisation of the event. She initially laughed as I pulled together a spreadsheet with all the different elements on it and when we needed to achieve things by to make sure the day went perfectly and as we progressed she saw the benefits. She would often say that ensured her day was the happiest day of her life (truth be told it was mine too). Truthfully it went perfectly, the one slight glitch was the morning before the wedding as I dropped Julie at the hotel we checked out the marquee in the grounds and the dance floor was a plain wooden dance floor when I thought I’d specified I wanted a ‘chess board type dance floor’. A quick call to the amazing Betts Marquee company who were based just yards away and they were on site to point out I’d got what I’d ordered… within the hour they had kindly begun to remove the plain floor and lay a chess board style floor… lol it cost me but it was worth it. Besides that our wedding truly was perfect….

 

We all (I think) have a reasonable expectation to live into our late seventy’s (or longer) which seem to be the ‘new fifty’ judging by people I know including my mother who, in her eighties leaves younger people standing when she goes off 'on a mission'. So to have married Julie and to have had just five wedding anniversaries with her and to have lost her aged 54, just check out the happiness in these pictures & well I think I have (we all have) every right to feel robbed.

I couldn’t let this first anniversary since losing my princess go by without ‘being with her’ so I planned to spend time with her at her resting place, our spirits together at least.

Before I set off I checked my emails and was surprised to see an email from Clatterbridge’s ‘Associate Director of Communications’. She explained that the Sunday Telegraph had published a piece on the government’s plan to increase the number of patients in the UK who could access treatments such as Julie had had (Novalis Tx Stereotactic Radiotherapy) and that Clatterbridge as one of the few specialist hospitals to offer this procedure for patients with brain tumours was part of the process, they intended to issue a press release of their own on Monday and “could I give them a quote to include”, as usual it is a pleasure and I see this as Julie’s influence continuing though now only in spirit. She would be so proud. She was so unassuming and modest and didn’t truly appreciate the impact that she was having on other people’s lives by her charity work and the support she gave Clatterbridge including giving permission for her SRT session and the build up to it to be filmed.

So a short telephone conversation with Emer from Clatterbridge and I gave her a couple of quotes for possible inclusion.  This is exciting news for Clatterbridge, its Merseyside patients and for the country as a whole. Whilst the local paper was quick to publish the exciting news today, they didn’t include the quotes but this journey isn’t all about us. http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/14568008.Clatterbridge_Cancer_Centre_among_trusts_chosen_to_deliver_pioneering_treatment/?ref=rss&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

 

Amazing Ever Changing Landscape

I headed to the Lake District, it was anything but the perfect day but at this point it was still dry. I drove up to my now regular parking spot and stopped the engine, as I looked across the adjacent field/meadow my eyes went wide as a young female deer was grazing. I smiled and thought, “yes, this was the right spot for you hunny”, It’s so tranquil and even the odd passing car didn’t startle ‘Bambi’… Thankfully I’d brought my camera and managed to get a few pictures of both the Deer and the ever changing landscape around me. I sat on the sawn off tree stump I’ve previously

mentioned, I took the chain holding our wedding jewellery from around my neck and held and kissed them, by now my eyes were tear-filled. I was looking down onto the spot where we had scattered Julie’s ashes, in the short period of time since, I was stunned to see the exact spot covered in fresh growth of stinging nettles, It’s stupid to say it but it was almost as if in fulfilling her desire to fertilise and nurture plant life Julie had chosen to protect herself with nettles! Although I couldn’t see them I am certain seeing this growth that the strawberry plants I planted are still there and not as we feared having been nibbled by the then grazing sheep, I smiled wickedly thinking “Maybe I should have planted Mint or Rosemary instead” Julie would have chuckled at that, she’d have been chuckling anyway at the irony of nettles for we had a private joke between us about this evil plant…

I walked to the field gate, then through it and stood by ‘the spot’, I was telling Julie how much I was missing her, how hard it is for us all without her, I was sobbing, this is stupid I know, it’s irrational; I explained; ”Six years ago today at this time, we were getting ready for our marriage , “I can’t believe we only had five years hunny life is so unfair.” I told her about visiting our family, I explained how poorly her dad is, I

Across Lake Windermere

explained that the house has now been valued and it will be on the market within a fortnight. I explained how her hard work and interior design skills had pleasantly impacted on the valuation. I explained now was the time for me to move on and it was for someone else to finish what I’d started and Julie & I continued with, 170 year old houses need on-going upkeep. The field was quite damp, the grass and the plants were all showing the damp so through my tear filled eyes, I said “I’m going to sit up on the tree stump hunny, please come and hug me” It’s so damn irrational I know but I am who I am… I exited the field and ensured the gate was secure and took up my position on this tree stump, a few cars passed even a police van but no one noticed my tears and most would assume as I had my camera with me that it was just some guy making the most of a photo opportunity.. The deer was still in the adjacent field, Windermere below me was an ever changing landscape as the boats and the tree shadows and clouds changed it. I knew I’d met her needs in full. I hadn’t previously thought about my own ashes when that day ultimately comes but now I’m positive I want to be ‘reunited’ with Julie, another trip to the solicitors will be happening soon regarding the house so I’ll have my will re-written then. Remember, the only guarantee your wishes will be fulfilled is if you state them in a legal document such as a will.

With these rings....

I was still holding our wedding jewellery on the necklace as the time approached 1pm; I explained how excited I was waiting for her to walk into the room, how radiant she looked as she walked to take

her position next to me. As my phone clicked to 1pm I just sobbed and howled, I was holding the rings so tightly they put an imprint into my fleshy palm. As I composed myself I kissed the rings and gazed at the nettles and the view. I took pictures of the rings on the tree stump and the words from our wedding were fresh in my head, “With this ring…” I sat there until approaching 2pm before I said my goodbyes; I said I’d be back next month for the next ‘first’ Julie’s birthday…. Then set off for the nearby Low Wood Bay Hotel, our favourite hotel where we stayed four times and I spent a couple of hours here taking in the lake view and enjoying a sandwich, there was a young couple on the next lounge table being served afternoon tea, the romance of it all wasn’t lost on me and of course I thought “I wish that was foxy and me”….

 

 

The rain began to set in and I decided to head south to my hotel near my office, for several reasons I didn’t want to be alone in ‘Shute Manor’ today.. It was only when I lay on my hotel bed around 8.30pm that I realised how emotionally draining today had been and the next thing I knew it was gone midnight….