Julie’s wishes for where she wanted her ashes to be
scattered was quite specific though due to the speed at which she deteriorated
it became impossible for her to select her own final resting place.
You’ll recall from an earlier blog that I visited the
lakes with dear friends Vince & Denise to choose a spot, I’d previously
been on my own and had it in my mind that I’d found the perfect spot versus the
brief Julie gave me. She said “I want you to scatter my ashes in the Lake
District, somewhere near water but not in it, somewhere I can take in the view,
somewhere I can do some good and fertilise a plant, bush or tree and somewhere
you and the family can visit me, maybe even have a picnic with me”. For those
that know the Lake District, you’d think there were hundreds if not thousands
of places, there probably are but I wanted to go that extra mile as in an area
I knew Julie loved, I also had to consider the more elderly or let’s say those
less fit, my Mother at 84 would be shaking her head at that for she’s probably fitter
than me and many others I know. I’m sure you get the gist of the situation
though. Vince & Denise instantly felt it was an appropriate spot, I felt
good with my choice and I know ‘our princess’ would approve too.
On getting home I contacted all the people I knew, mainly
immediate family, I didn’t want or expect this to be a funeral like gathering,
certainly not one the magnitude of Julie’s funeral turnout. Everyone was
briefed on when and we secured log cabins at the nearby White Cross Bay Holiday
Park for the weekend of 22nd of April. Around a mile from the spot
this was the ideal location for us as a family to get together. Maureen, Mum,
Mother decided not to make the trip, she’s still coming to terms with the loss
of Julie & Henry, I’ve promised I’ll bring her up on another occasion, Julie’s
dad, Bob, although he wanted to come and intended to, even I shuddered at the
thought of a round trip from Grimsby and home in the same day, with his own
health issues sadly I got a call on the Wednesday evening from Julie’s Brother
Andy that Bob wasn’t up to the journey and so wouldn’t be with us, I felt and
feel so sorry for Bob, the devastation of losing a child and in Bob’s case his
only Daughter who was the ‘apple of his eye’. I was pleased to receive a call a
couple of weeks earlier from Sue & Mick, Julie’s Brother and his wife who
we spent a lot of time dining with after Julie first fell ill, both were able
to make the lakes and by coincidence had booked into White Cross Bay too. Julie’s
cousin Maria, Her Husband Simon & their children William & Sarah are
joining us too along with two very special friends of Julie & myself,
Casper was coming over from Holland and Woon, was coming with Emma, Bob &
Family, The only ones not mentioned so far are Aaron, Vicky, Emma, Bob and all
of their children.
‘Julie’ had been at Shute Manor with me since I collected
her ashes last October, I’m not sure if it’s just me but I felt Julie’s ashes couldn’t
just be put on a shelf or in a cupboard and forgotten about even for a couple
of months, I know I think crazily at times but I’m me and this is how I am….
As part of the funeral arrangements you choose whether
you want your loved one’s ashes back or if they are scattered at the
crematorium, as you know there was no way Julie was staying in Grimsby ‘heehee’
so on deciding you are collecting the ashes you then get the choice of various
urns or small
wooden caskets or, quite often these days the done thing is the
choice of a cardboard tube, there are a pre-decorated range and I suppose in
this day and age if you wanted your own graphics and were prepared to pay extra
you’d get that too. I looked at the collection and I chose something I felt was
fitting..
So this is the tube I brought Julie’s ashes home in, it
came in a high quality purple carrier bag, Julie’s favourite colour! It’s at
times like this I felt there was a certain way I had to behave and how to treat
her ashes whilst I was the custodian of them. On getting home last October I
put Julie’s ashes next to what was our bed but now mine, I took hold of Winston
her ever faithful Teddy bear and secret keeper and I put him on top of the tube
and there he stayed until the trip to the Lakes. Julie you’ll recall had a fear
of the dark so stupid or not, the bedroom light was never turned off if I wasn’t
in the room with ‘her’, stupid uh?.... I ‘spoke’ to her often, I’d enlighten her
of events and yes I sobbed occasionally as I told her how much I am missing her
& I still asked why she was taken from me, taken from us. There are of
course no answers, I know there never will be..
On Friday 22nd April I packed the car with
mine and Casper’s cases and I had to collect ‘the lady’ too, even now I couldn’t
put her in the boot of the car, despite being strapped for space as we collected
Aaron and his family too from Manchester I put Julie’s ashes in the foot well with
me, she’s left ‘Shute Manor’ for the final time..
By 2.30 we were Lake District bound, by 4.30 we were in
our respective log cabins and Julie still ‘guarded’ by Winston was on a side
table in the Cabin Lounge. It all feels so surreal but I know it’s what Julie
wanted. We caught up with all of the family in the bar later and agreed we
would meet tomorrow (Saturday) for the short trip to the chosen spot. I had a
message land off one of Julie’s secret agent friends who was in the Lakes and
told me she was thinking of us all and Julie, I of course invited her explained
where we were meeting and also the precise location for she felt she would find
it too distressing an experience still, as I said before grieving over Julie
wasn’t the monopoly of just me and immediate family, her loss was still being
felt hard by other close friends too. This secret agent did pop up to the spot
and messaged me later saying it was perfect in every aspect and that she ‘enjoyed’
a moment there also the next day she sent me another message saying she had
visited the spot after we as a family had fulfilled Julie’s wishes and she felt
better for the moment.
Saturday morning after breakfast I said to Casper that I
wanted to check out the location, I did have a ‘plan b’ if the field I’d chosen
had been ploughed since my last trip, thankfully it was all good but as with my
last visit sheep were also occupying the lower level of the sloping field.
Julie would have laughed and be shouting ‘Mint Sauce’ at them that’s definitely
a heehee moment.
The weather was being kind too, we drove down to a nearby
garden centre, I wanted to get something for Julie to fertilise, I needed a
small trowel too and I bought a selection of fine bone china spotty mugs, more
on them shortly.
So back to White Cross Bay and at 1.30 we were ‘all
present and correct’, Waggon train like we set off the short distance to
Holbeck lane opposite The Langdale Chase Hotel. As we all decamped from the
cars, I lifted ‘Julie’ & Winston, It’s bizarre but I felt quite at ease
with today. The tube is quite heavy, an adult human’s ashes cremate down to
around 2-2.5kg, don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you do not get all of
the ashes, you do. English crematorium laws are strict.
All gathered we entered the field; thankfully the sheep
were just specks down the hill. All gathered I explained I’d never done this
before that I was clueless; I asked did anyone else have any thoughts on the
subject? The response, serious but also witty was watch which way the wind was
blowing… I grabbed a handful of grass and threw it in the air, the grass flew
in direction of the gathered clan, lol everyone quickly moved. Julie would have
laughed..
I’d bought four small strawberry plants with us, quickly
I dug a small hole and pushed the plants into the ground. I took the tube out
of the bag and lifted the lid as I said how much Julie would love this spot,
the view was amazing, she had something to fertilise (though I suspect the
sheep will be eating strawberries soon) and I explained that next to us was Low
Wood Bay Hotel where Julie and I stayed four times, she loved it there so again
it’s fitting she is close by it. I’d not
touched the tube since the day I collected it so I was somewhat surprised to
find under the lid was a cardboard decorative cover with a serrated hole in the
middle. I pushed the centre piece downwards and this was my first glimpse of
Julie’s ashes, light grey almost whitish. I asked did anyone want to scatter her
ashes and Aaron stepped forward, he scattered a little around and passed the
tube back to me, I offered everyone else the chance, no one stepped up so I
completed the task. Ashes scattered I brought out the china mugs and some
plastic cups. The spotty mugs were to be a keepsake for the ladies here today; they
all needed filling with champagne to toast our lovely lady. One glass short I
had a bottle, again Julie would have laughed, I even poured some of the
champers onto the ashes, the lady loved her champagne it was fitting she shared
the toast. All done we just stood there, I remember it was the first chance I’d
had to ‘relax’ and look around, bizarrely although some of those gathered were
tearful I wasn’t at the time, I felt numb in all honesty. The children had bought
Daffodils and some drawings to leave with grandma. I moved them out of the
sheep’s way before we left the field, remember in the country respect the
country code…
So task completed, wishes fulfilled we headed back to the
club house for a drink, somehow Winston was here with us and Olivia wanted to
cuddle him, eventually she asked could she sleep with him tonight to keep him
company, lol ever thoughtful Ollipop! I explained that would be nice but he
would be
coming home with me on Sunday, Olli understood. Eventually retiring to
the cabins. I took out Julie’s tube, again is it just me? I could not just
stick this in a rubbish bin now it felt wrong and disrespectful, I was too
uncomfortable with that. I decided I needed to go back to the spot ,
Casper came too and we had our own moments of solace, a huge sawn off tree
trunk made an ideal seat for Casper and I stood close by, now the tears
started, my eyes filled, Casper too was feeling the pain, he and Julie had such
an amazing friendship, god we were going to miss her. Casper enjoyed a swig from
a hip flask; I took a final swig of champagne. We spent about half an hour
there before we cheered up, Julie would not want us sad.
Later on as a family we went for a meal at a Chinese
restaurant in nearby Ambleside, Julie and I dined here on several occasions, on
the last she had me in stitches, I’ve hinted before about another side to
Julie, by the end of the year in a nice way I’ll share more of this crazy lady
and her antics but now was the time to share this with those present.
It was a cold February night about four years ago we were
staying at Low Wood Bay Hotel and heading out for dinner, Julie dolled up as
she loved to, and then covered herself in her faux fur retro coat, the children
loved to see Grandma in her ‘fur coat’ too so much so they all ended up with
their own versions. It seemed admiring Julie in her fur coat wasn’t exclusively
for the grandchildren. As we entered the Chinese Restaurant and were being
shown to our table a table of eight in front of us a mixture of Mum & Dad,
teenage children and their boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s one of the teenage lads was
loudly saying “Dad, Dad, Dad! Wow, look at her, Dad, Dad, DAD, look! Julie just
smiled and as she pulled open her coat widely she just smirked and said “Yep, you’d
just love to wouldn’t you”! The kid coloured up, his dad’s head & jaw dropped and the
lad’s girlfriend elbowed him in the ribs! Major hehehehe, Nothing Julie did
surprised me and as we sat down she said “I’m sorry I just had to” and she
giggled like mad… Emma laughed and said “Yep, that sounds like Mum”.. It was
nice to be back here and to laugh.
Back at the log cabin Casper & I did some ‘damage’ to
a bottle of Malt Whisky before we took it in turns to doze off on our
respective sofas.
Next morning as we prepared to pack the car I picked the
tube up wondering what to do with it, there were still small amounts of ash in
the tube, not much but enough to unsettle me, Julie had to be ‘complete’ as in
at the same location, I’ve heard of ashes being split between families or
scattered across several locations but Julie’s wish, my wish and intention was
she’d be in just one location. There was only one thing for it, one final visit
to the location to leave this minute amount in the same spot.
Back at home after Casper left the emptiness of the house
hit me again, more so than ever before, I’m still not over my beautiful wife
and the hole she has left in my life is huge, it’s not going to fill for some time
and I’m certain now I am going to have to sell the house and move…
I’ve looked at ‘Julie’s tube’ several times since I
brought it home, I will NOT put it in the rubbish bin but what to do. I could
burn it on the coal fire but then it came to me, “Buy a flower pot, a lavender
bush and break the tube up into the compost, any minute residue of the lady
herself will help fertilise one of her favourite plants/bushes, it seems so
natural, why hadn’t I thought about it before…
If you've been touched by Julie or her journey and you are in the lake district and want to see her final resting place you are most welcome. Heading from Windermere towards Ambleside you'll see Langdale Chase Hotel, almost immediately and opposite you will see a right turn (Holbeck Lane), go up the hill for around 200 yards and you will see gates left & right of you, you'll also see the sawn off tree stump, park yourself on there, look down towards Lake Windermere and you're within feet of our lovely lady's spirit.. I'll be back, I hope some of you drop by..
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