Talking To The Moon

 

Following on from the last blog, as it’s warts and all I am still fighting the loneliness, I know the solution lies in moving on and that can only happen once the house is sold and I move, it looks like that’s going to be a long haul now as the supposed buyer has gone ‘elusive’.

 I’ve not seriously looked to 'date' since January, there is no point in looking for romance locally, the women who could keep me local are just a pipe dream to me that will never happen and so having set my mind up to move I also took down my profiles off the major dating sites for I need to find the next woman of my dreams (if she even exists) nearer my supposed new apartment, there is someone I have feelings for but at this point we are just friends, no not ‘friends with benefits’, purely friends, who knows In the future I may be sharing details of this wonder lady but for now this is far off and below is the reality of my life after Foxy…

A bank holiday weekend beckons and I am not spending the weekend in the house, no way, it’s not happening. All week I’ve been looking for hotels in the lake district but it’s a bit like Bethlehem must have been on that famous biblical night as in “there’s no room at the Inn” or stable if it comes to it! The few that were available were priced ridiculously at over £150 - £300 a night. Friday I started searching for cottages but this would mean a three night stay instead of just the two I wanted. Cottages are scarce too! The Lake District around Windermere is an inland resort and it’s clearly going to be busy this weekend.

Finally, I stumbled upon a reasonably priced one bedroomed apartment; I’ve used ‘Heart of The Lakes’ for a cottage before and the friendly team took my booking over the phone. I could relax now for my weekend is sorted. It would have been nice to go somewhere else but in the absence of that the comfort of the lakes and ‘visiting Julie’ was drawing me even though I’ll be back within two weeks as the first anniversary of losing Julie arrives, It’s scary, where has the time gone? It’s also bizarre in some aspects for when my father passed away the week after his cremation service my mother asked me to take her down to the crematorium where she had Dad’s ashes scattered in their garden of remembrance. I parked up and as she went to get out of the car she was inferring I go with her, I had no desire to, I explained I didn’t need to come here to visit Dad’s ashes to remember him and I waited in the car for her. I think of my Dad daily, always have but I’ve never had the urge to revisit the crematorium yet I struggled over not going to ‘see Julie’ on my 60^th Birthday, as you’ll know I’ve been for every other anniversary and currently I feel I cannot just ‘abandon her’ to the occasional visit yet but whilst there, it is heart breaking. I know IF I ever get into another relationship then I am going to have to distance myself, future potential dates need to know that I am not forever  living in the past.

Within twenty minutes of booking my Ambleside Apartment I received a text message off my dear friend Vince inviting me up to County Durham for the weekend, with the apartment paid for in full I cannot change my plans now so I’m scheduled for a visit to them this coming weekend, the weekend after I am back in the Lake District….

Today (Friday) as I’d not anticipated getting away for the weekend I hadn’t packed my case and my stay in the lakes was from Saturday night for three nights anyway so it’s back to Shute Manor this evening, I really dislike the place now.

Saturday 27^th August and I’m Lake District bound, today it’s a leisurely drive and the weather is gorgeous. I arrived around noon, I drove past Julie’s resting place, the bottom gate was open and it looked like it had been mowed, “Interesting” I thought. Once settled in I’ll be heading back to the top of the hill and field, meanwhile I collected my apartment key and drove into a very busy Ambleside. I’d read the directions and set off the mile down the road. Ambleside is pretty much a one way system town  and the road my apartment was in was quite literally fifty yards from the town centre yet on pulling up the tranquillity and the view struck me, it seems I’ve found the best of both worlds.

The apartment is ‘compact’, it’s well equipped but slightly smaller than the first apartment I went to view myself recently but it’s ample for this weekend.

Settled in I drove back to Julie’s resting place, the field had been mown however the area where Julie’s ashes are scattered remains untouched still covered in nettles and thistles, spooky… After a couple of minutes of taking in the view, Lake Windermere in front of me, Wray Castle peeping over the treeline, I strolled the few feet to the field gate and leant on it again to take in the gorgeous view. The gate just opened, someone has been through it since my last visit for I’m fastidious in checking the gate is securely locked. There is no flattening of the thistles that continue to dominate and protect the area though. There is the ‘path’ that I’ve previously trodden so I wandered in closing the gate behind me; I am a creature of countryside habits.

With autumn approaching most of the beautiful flowers in the area have disappeared, the plant’s pollen long gone, taken by the honey bees that visit, the thistle heads are

the few longer lasting flowers, their purple heads a perfect contrast to the surrounding greenery, there are still a lot of bees about, I saw numerous wasps too, they should be dying off soon and that’s when they’re at their most dangerous as they become ‘dopey’.  I saw a spider building a giant web between some of the thistles, thinking Julie would have ran a mile, she hated spiders, I mean hated. A butterfly flew over and I watched its bright colours zig zag across the sky as it headed towards a distant tree, this is so tranquil and perfect a spot.

I started to update Julie on all of the news, yes I talk out loud in a soft voice, the tears flow as always, I told her about the apartment, “If you’re here, come back with me” I said between my sobs, It’s irrational I know, but this is grief, I apologised for not being here for my birthday, I explained about spending it with Casper in Rotterdam, I explained about my kind work colleagues. An hour had passed and I said my goodbyes, I explained I’d be back before I leave on Tuesday.

I drove into Windermere, first I went to Lakeland, a small family business that has expanded into a huge UK retailer with a beautiful modern head office and retail unit. On our last visit here with Vince & Denise we dined here before we went on to our hotel. Julie loved Lakeland, I needed to get some more shiny floor stuff for the house/my cleaner, how I ended up spending £40 on ‘stuff’ I’ll never know but when I sent a picture to Berna (my cleaner), she was ecstatic, like Julie it seems she is easily pleased, who gets excited over cleaning stuff? Not I!

Next stop was to Booths supermarket to buy enough fresh food to see me through the ‘weekend’, I enjoy dining out but with company, I feel the eyes of the world are upon me if I dine out alone, I can imagine the comments “look at Billy No Mates there”, not knowing my personal circumstances. With no one to focus attention on if I dine alone I also people watch and invariably seeing so many couples about holding hands just adds to my agony. I’m in no man’s land still, I’ve no desire to throw myself fully into trying to start a new relationship but I ‘need’ friendship and companionship, alone I have too much time to think and dwell on my past and on my current loneliness and unhappiness. I’ve wined and dined several women but no one is offering a glimpse of encouragement, too often I’ve heard the words “you're lovely & you’ll find somebody Andy” but that’s fairly blunt code for “but It won’t be me Andy” good enough for dinner but not to consider exploring if there is a long term chemistry.

Back to the apartment and I load the refrigerator, I’ve bought three bottles of wine; don’t worry I’ve not turned into an Alcoholic but I cannot remember the last time I was drunk, I know it’s the ‘done thing’ these days for the younger generation to down a bottle of vodka before they go out to party and drink even more but for once I actually feel like I want to drink to excess! I’m in the town centre I can walk and I can sleep off the after effects the next morning, after all I’ve only myself to worry about. I can hear the concern already upon you reading this, for your assurance three days on and my alcohol consumption for the weekend was a single bottle of beer and two glasses of wine, some drinker me uh? When I came face to face with it the mood had passed me over.

I wandered back into town and Zeffirellis Cinema also a bistro and coffee shop is literally 50 yards from my front door. I sat outside enjoying the sun and a coffee. The view across the roof tops is beautiful, the views on the pavement walking by make me feel old and unloved again, watching others strolling along hand in hand, how can something so normal be so upsetting? I don’t know either.

I purchased enough food to enable me to have breakfast and dinner ‘at home’, many of you won’t know that I am a fully qualified chef though I’ve not worked in the catering trade for almost a lifetime so yes I can cook and fend for myself, I’m conscious the number of times I’ve discussed dining out could lead you to think that’s all I do, despite my portly waistline I do cook myself. This weekend I’m going low maintenance as in Bacon or Sausage sandwiches for Breakfast and some freshly made beef & caramelised onion burgers for one of the nights, lord knows what I’ll do on the other two..

 

 

Sunday I drove into Grasmere, the village where Julie and I stayed on our last ever Lake District journey together when we went up with Vince & Denise for the weekend. The weather is much improved and the place is a lot busier than previous visits. Despite there being ‘no room at the Inn’ the lakes are so spacious that nowhere really gets overcrowded. I called in at a small café in the village centre, a portion of nachos and a coffee followed by a trip down my childhood 'memory lane' by buying a raspberry ripple ice cream from the ice cream parlour next door. I drove north to an area I hadn’t visited before and drove around Thirlmere which sits in the shadow of one of the lake’s most beautiful peaks Helvellyn, I’m sure had Julie remained fit and well we would have continued to visit the lakes and she would have continued to push my fitness levels by climbing ever increasing in size peaks, for sure I’d know it was for health reasons not for the insurance money Heehee.

Thirlmere is beautiful and the road around it reminded me of when Julie and I visited Kentallen in Scotland for a romantic New Year’s Eve away and we drove along the west shore of Loch Linnhe. Such fond memories of standing behind Julie cuddling her on our loch view balcony as the hotel staff set off fireworks, the evening was freezing, she was wrapped up in her faux fur vintage coat, her cheeks were so cold but she wanted to see the fireworks. The Holly Tree hotel was beautiful but much as Julie loved being spoilt with luxuries she’d never been able to have before it was the simplest things in life that truly made her happy such as being held and told how much she was loved as the fireworks lit up the night sky. Thirlmere she would have loved.

I headed home to the sanctuary of the apartment, put the TV on and that was me for the evening, there’s no life and soul of the party these days…

Monday morning and I cooked more bacon and sat there on the couch looking at the sunshine through the patio door windows but absolutely no motivation to move my backside, I’m in an ‘I feel sorry for me mood’, It gets to one p.m. and there are only so many episodes of NCIS that I can take and I finally kick myself into gear, I showered and dressed and headed out into the sunshine instantly thinking “Why the hell have you wasted the morning?”, this is how the grief is impacting on me, as beautiful as it is, with no one to share it with it’s not worth the bother.

I drove out to Skelwith Bridge, the first time I brought Julie to the lakes I had booked as a surprise, a secluded log cabin here, again I can see the happiness on her face as we entered the cabin and she put her arms around my neck and kissed me, “I love you Mr Shute” ….

 

 

Just down the road was Chester’s on the River, laid back from the main road a narrow drive way that had the most beautiful shallow river and rapids run along side it and although gentle on the

sides in the middle it gushes down under the road bridge. Today it was warm and sunny but unlike earlier in the year when I brought Vince & Denise here I didn’t have to wait for a table, on the decked patio was a table for two or in this case for one… I ordered a coffee and basked in the sun, from nowhere the tears just rolled down my cheeks from behind my sun glasses, it’s stupid, just stupid. Thankfully either no one noticed or they weren’t going to ask if I was ok.. my head was slightly tilted and the tear from my right eye trickled down over my cheek onto my neck, discreetly I wiped it away. Finishing my coffee I strolled down to the water’s edge and sat at a stone bench and table thinking “Foxy, you’d have loved this today”

In the early evening I drove into Windermere and spotted an empty parking space next to The Lighthouse, one of Julie’s and my favourite dining haunts. I only had a

beer and a bowl full of nachos (again) as the sun began to drop and my seat fell into shade It was time to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 I wanted to see Julie’s resting place as the sun set, all other visits have been earlier in

the day. I drove up Holbeck lane and parked up, I opened the passenger door and listened to the music as the sun began to set, there are no words tonight, I rested on the tree stump and took photos galore. As I snapped away a Bruno Mars track came on and I’d never given it any significance before, Julie and I saw ‘the man himself’ in Manchester. The words just burnt into my head and yes the tears instantly began to fall, to stream actually… The tune? The lyrics?