The Clock Is Ticking.

Almost a year on since my amazing wife, soulmate and best friend ‘left me’ and despite the time rolling by the tears are not for stopping, I really thought it would be easier than this to overcome the loss of Julie but I can tell you that some days seem tougher than the very early days after Julie’s death & funeral.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks and I'll cover that off in this and the next blog..

I visited Emma, Aaron & Vicky and the Grandchildren, Bob was working away again. Bob’s a real grafter he holds down a fulltime job as a mechanic and on top of that he gives over time to a good friend as part of a racing team, he and Emma work conflicting shifts, Bob Mornings and afternoons and Emma afternoons and evenings, Emma is also on call some weekends which limits what she can and cannot do with the grandchildren. They’re saving like mad to move to a more rural location thinking of the children and their welfare and the combination means they’re both often worn out and they don’t see much of each other as a result. I’m sure it will all be worth it in the end but whilst I won’t interfere in either of the children’s lives I cannot help but think back now to the late arrivals home I often had when Julie was alive and I question myself in terms of “why didn’t you make more of the time opportunity to be with Julie”? I’ve learnt a lot since she left us but the one thing that truly sticks with me is how little time in the grand scheme of things we had together. I’d say to anyone live for today, don’t waste a second being away from each other, don’t take each other for granted and don’t leave yourself looking back asking “Why didn’t I make the most of our time together?”.. Yes I’m talking to all of you…

Julie often said to me that if we had ever hit hard times much as she loved Shute Manor that so long as we were together she really didn’t care where we lived, I felt exactly the same. We both wanted to finish the improvements to Shute Manor and truth be told had Julie still been with us and fit we would have finished  late last year, sadly the spare funds were given over to making the most of things for Julie  in her last year, some would say getting her to last year’s Merseyside Women of the Year Awards was a waste of money given what buying a table at the event, a private ambulance crew and ambulance and having the vestibule demolished cost but she truly loved that day and although modest throughout she was proud of the recognition the awards brought. Add to that the cost of a funeral and meeting Julie’s wishes for it to be held in Grimsby and the transportation costs incurred, throw in the two ‘celebrations’ after the funeral and on the Wirral, Hotel bills, yes it was not the cheapest of times. The only thing I considered a real luxury was Julie’s horse drawn carriage but it was so majestic and she deserved to make her final entrance in style, I was fortunate that I could do all of that for her, absolutely no regrets.

As you’ll know from the last blog Shute manor is on the market with one rejected offer. I drove to Grimsby in my new car, having had so many problems with my Fiat500X 4x4, I had been battling with the dealership and Fiat and had been insisting on a full refund it was so problematical. Even the day before the dealership confirmed they would give me a full refund the key was stuck in the ignition and I ended up calling out ‘Fiat Assist’, it took an engineer an hour to arrive, another hour to fix it which, he could only do after going on to You tube to find the fix….. Anyway, full refund and I bought a new car that seems to drink a cup of petrol versus every tank fill up in the Fiat. So new car drive to Grimsby with no glitches and it was giving me 55 miles to the gallon, I am impressed.

I checked in to the Humber Royal Hotel that often seems like my second home, I still expect a staff Xmas party invite I’ve stayed that often over the recent years; I chuckled as the receptionist asked me if I knew where I was going and have I stayed before, tonight I’m on the first floor. As I walked down the corridor a shiver came over me, One of Julie’s biggest seizures was in this corridor, we were heading out for dinner with Mick & Sue when it occurred and we had to do our singing routine, we were loud enough to be heard on the ground floor by one of the duty Managers who I’ve previously mentioned, Natalie. The memories of all this came running back and you’ll guess I was crying as I entered room 111.

Friday evening I popped around to Emma & Bob’s to see Emma & the girls, Olivia is always so excited to see me running to answer the door to me, that smile and the warmth as she called my name “Andyyyyyy”… The girls were pampering themselves, grandma’s nail varnish box came out and somehow Olivia decided my nails should be varnished silver! The joys of being a grandad hehe… Later as she busied herself I grabbed the nail varnish remover and returned my badly bitten nails to their more ‘blokey’ style.

Saturday morning and I was at Emma’s with the twins birthday presents hidden away quickly, not hard as they were their birthday cards with gift cards inside to spend at as Julie would call it ‘Primarni’ (Primark to you and me). I lack the imagination that Julie had for buying presents and whilst she was mainly practical and bought clothes for she was conscious just about everyone else bought them toys I was clueless on the clothes front and sizes wise. I hope as I get older and the kids grow that so long as it’s cool to be seen with ‘grandy’ that I get to take them shopping for what they want. I do miss Julie coming out of the changing room and giving me a twirl as she asked what did I think? Now that is a happy memory….

Ollipop is giving me the third degree as she inspected my bare naked finger nails, puzzled how the varnish had ‘disappeared’, she was not impressed! My phone rang and it was Rhys, my estate agent, the three viewings family had upped their offer! They came in roughly where I wanted to be and so I accepted the offer. A ticking time bomb had just started to tick, my first thought is I need to find somewhere to live and quick! I thought they had the cash to hand and my worst nightmare was what if they want the house next week? So much I cannot do until I know we are almost at the point of exchanging contracts. The house is ‘dressed’, it will sell faster dressed as my home rather than an empty shell of a building but I know that is going to put me under time pressure, I sense I’ll be getting removal men in!

The kids were having a birthday sleepover with friends even though their Birthdays are four days away so I hug and kiss them goodbye, Emma too…

Saturday evening and I’d already discussed with Vicky about me popping around with Millie’s birthday present and with a Chinese takeaway. I have to say Emma & Vicky are two of the most amazing Mothers I know, both incredibly hard working and whilst I devoted a bit of above to Emma I’ll probably embarrass Vicky as I sing her praises now. Julie and I were amazed at Vicky’s skills and parenting, she has her routines and she won’t bend from them and I have to say it works, she has two daughters who are a joy to spend time with and to witness how they respond to Vicky and Aaron, Evan is beginning to show his personality and he’s a challenge at times. Aaron won’t object to me saying this but his parenting style is to be one of the kids too and that’s fun to watch but someone has to be the grown up and yes that’s Vicky. Vicky has a burning desire to better herself; she has a hard working ethos on top of her housekeeping skills and her parenting skills. I’ve told her many times how Julie truly rated Vicky and I’ll say that was high praise indeed. I know Vicky misses Julie or ‘Mum’ as she affectionately called her.

We discussed the house sale and I’ve asked both of the children if there is anything in the house of Julie’s or that reminds them of Julie. I am downsizing from 11 rooms full of things to just four rooms (more on that later).. Of course I want the children to have memories; I will be limited in space in terms of what I can keep as memories.

Sunday I checked out of my hotel and I relived some of my memories of visits with Julie, a local park, an Appleby’s homemade ice cream, I reflected as I sat in the sun and yes the odd tear ran onto my cheek….

I called in to see Julie’s dad, I also had the wheelchair for him. Bob was looking better than I envisaged but he is still very poorly, very poorly indeed. I get the impression that the severe blow of losing the apple of his eye, Julie, and with his dear wife Barbara developing Alzheimer’s that he’s giving up, who can blame him?... Julie’s Mum remains in hospital and the latest blow is she has been diagnosed with cancer too. Bless her she still has no idea that Julie has left us, her condition means she’s unaware of her surroundings and even struggles to remember her own son Andy. On a recent visit despite the fact that she is in hospital the confused state resulted in her telling Andy (as a stranger) that he shouldn’t be in ‘her house’ (The hospital). I truly feel for Andy, he’s doing an amazing Job and thankfully the family are rallying to support him. I don’t go to see Barbara, to her I truly would be a stranger and I fear that even if recognised she’ll suddenly remember about Julie and want to know where she is.. This is a nightmare, I’m so grateful that despite Julie’s cancer being Brain Cancer that she was still in control of her faculties and was familiar with her surroundings until she slipped away, yes the drugs had her hallucinating a little as you’ll recall but in the main she was of sound mind, I’m thankful for that.

So another full weekend completed and I headed to Bolton close to my office for a night at White’s Hotel, with no reason to drive home now as I pass close to my office it seems daft to drive past and then suffer my morning commute.

Back to the house sale and move. So I have accepted an offer and I’m now in limbo land as I wait for the formalities of the sale to go through. In the mean time I’d started house or rather apartment hunting. My criteria were set, I wanted something that had a countryside view, that was close to my office and that I could afford to pay cash for so that I could go mortgage free. Ideally I wanted an apartment, after all it’s just me now but I didn’t want to move from 11 large rooms (yes I’ve got another six in the cellar but they’re not used so I don’t count them) to a glorified cell, I found an apartment with a decking area that ran to the property boundary that happened to be a man-made lake! It seemed perfect, the estate agent’s pictures looked good and the decked area was ‘selling it to me” so I arranged a viewing, as lovely as it was and as appealing as the decked area was it just felt too small, I drove home thinking I need to review my strategy for I’m going to feel like a caged animal in the winter and it brought home just how spacious Shute Manor really is.

The community the apartment is on is relatively new, about five years old, I’ve passed it daily for ten years watching it being built, there are as you’d expect several properties up for sale and a top floor apartment which is some 100 square feet larger is also up for sale. So the day after the viewing the ground floor lakeside apartment I informed the Estate Agents I wouldn’t be putting in an offer as pretty as it seemed. I contacted a second Estate Agency and arranged a viewing of the top floor apartment.

The second apartment I felt totally at home in, light spacious, incredible view from several windows and a Juliet Balcony, an en-suite shower room, yes I wanted it, I told the owner, Aaron that I’d submit an offer the next day and did. Within an hour the offer was accepted, now the clock is well and truly ticking!



Hopefully my new home - What a view