It's Not Been The Best of Weeks

No pictures this time...

 

I wasn’t going to publish a blog for a couple of weeks but as this week comes towards a close I thought I’d share the raw emotion of the week whilst it’s still in me. I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just sharing the journey of trying to get through year one of losing my amazing wife, you’d think after ten months it would be getting easier..

 Firstly, as I should have expected I’m getting danced about over the house, one family have viewed it three times now in under two weeks, it’s on the market at £225,000 and everyone who knows it, has stayed in it, has partied in it, visited us at it all say “Is that all” but I’m a realist and those that know me know I play fairly straight, I expect similar from others. I know the house still needs work doing to it, quite a lot actually but whoever will finish off what Julie and I started will have one hell of a home and investment and could probably quickly recoup £80-£90,000 if they turn the cellar into a self-contained apartment, it is huge but yes needs work and of course I know I am going to have to move down from £225,000 slightly. After the second viewing last week my estate agent Rhys said the way the family were talking about the changes they’d make to their children that he felt an offer would follow, I said “I bet it’s around £185,000”, Rhys responded feeling they’d come in much higher than that. Friday Evening 5pm and an offer landed at £190,000, I laughed hysterically at the cheek but also that it was so close to my forecasted number, of course I declined ‘the offer’.

By Wednesday the family were back for a third viewing! They’re clearly keen but not unexpectedly two days later when writing this no increased offer has landed, all part of the game but as I have my eye on a beautiful apartment of course I want this wrapped up, it will be if it is to be regarding the place I fancy moving to but I’m not accepting silly offers and I think Rhys finds my strategy of not getting in touch with him different to most who I suspect are on the phone every two minutes after a viewing. The bottom line is he doesn’t get paid until the house sells so he wants to move it as quickly as myself and no matter how many calls I make to him will not speed up the process. So, it’s a waiting game I am guessing until 5pm tonight… Maybe longer, who knows…

 

I’ve become more emotional in the last week, it’s weird this rollercoaster. A combination of things have upset or distressed me in the last week.

I’ve previously mentioned that Julie’s Mum & Dad have both had spells in hospital recently, Julie’s Mum has dementia and to this day has no idea that Julie is no longer with us, that in itself is so sad. Those that know the family will know Julie was a Daddy’s girl not a mummy’s girl that said whenever we went home Julie would spend time manicuring her Mum’s nails but with Julie it really was ‘Daddy all the way’, it was bizarre reflecting back that during her last week with us from nowhere she suddenly said “I want my mummy”, whilst I could and did make most things happen for Julie sadly this was never going to be, I cried that night as I recall holding Julie’s hand to comfort her after she had asked… I felt guilty at times for Julie living on Merseyside when her parents and children lived across country in Grimsby, but Julie wanted to be with me, to be honest before we actually met she told me she was getting out of Grimsby as soon as she could I felt honoured that was ultimately to be with me but some things, no matter what others say leave you feeling guilty, this was one.

On my last two visits to Julie’s resting place as I talked, yes out loud to her but softly, as part of updating ‘her’ on events, I sobbed as I expressed my feeling that Julie’s dad sounded so ill that I felt she & he could soon be reunited. I’m pleased to say that a couple of weeks later Julie’s dad sounds better but the radiotherapy has taken its toll on him and continues to do so, he tires so quickly, radiotherapy can takes months for a young healthy person to recover from, Julie’s dad is in his 80’s…..

On top of this Julie’s Mum has been in hospital for a couple of weeks with what was initially thought to be an infection but tragically just this week it’s been confirmed that she too now has been diagnosed as having cancer, bless her she knows nothing or nobody now and clearly is frightened ‘resisting the nurses’ as they try to take blood. Emma has ‘stepped up to the plate’ here as she works at the hospital and she’s been giving her breaks up to sit with her grandma, like she doesn’t have enough on her plate and she too is still suffering the loss of Julie..

I’d already decided earlier this week before hearing the news on Julie’s mum that I’d visit Grimsby this weekend for it's Millie’s, Abbie & Chloe’s Birthday’s this coming week. The only ‘good’ thing coming out of this week was that Julie’s brother Andy had explained about having to utilise a hospital wheelchair when he takes his dad in now, I’ve still got Julie’s, I had no clue what to do with it but it’s going over with me tonight, I’m sure if Julie is looking down on us she will be pleased with this.

So all of that would be enough to upset anyone in one week but sadly it gets worse, a great guy and friend Paul McGeary who was treated for Leukaemia around two years ago has relapsed in the last week and is undergoing further treatment now. Although I’ve only met ‘Gee’ once at a Stag do last year he was incredibly supportive during Julie’s battle and in turn we supported Gee with his mantra of #NotOneInch my thoughts go out to Paul’s family, especially wife Becky & Mum Mary (who was so supportive during Julie’s journey). I’m positive Gee will beat this beast once more; he has such determination and deserves the right to see his young daughter grow up!

My dear Friend Casper in Holland, he too is going through the mill, although healthy himself his family are a serious cause for concern for him right now, Casper and Julie were ‘so tight’ and you’ll recall how many times he visited last year, at least five so already feeling the loss of Julie, then his own family ‘news’ without going into detail no man or woman should be carrying the load that Casper does right now.

I’m sixty on the eighth of next month, scary thought, thankfully though I only feel around forty! Normally big birthdays mean big celebrations, My fiftieth we held at Shute Manor with many special friends and I laugh as I recall being at my Mothers around the same time and Julie and I went ‘messing about’ on a river (The Avon at Warwick castle to be precise), Julie howled with laughter as I proved how rubbish a navigator I was…  This year there will be no party, the ‘hostess with the mostest’ is no longer here and I’m truly in no mood to celebrate anything this year yet alone my birthday. Casper suggested a couple of weeks ago that I go over and spend it quietly with him and that’s what I’m doing. Unusually I’m flying out of Birmingham, Maureen lives not ten minutes from the airport so I’m going to spend time with her the day before, recent events demonstrate we need to see our loved ones more often no matter the distance… It does though mean I won't be with Julie for my birthday..

Friends and neighbours are being kind and some are actually disappointed that I’m away for my birthday but as I say this isn’t a year to celebrate.

All of the above though means Julie has been at the forefront of my thoughts this week,  not in a negative or upsetting way that is until yesterday.

There is a Next Clothing store near my office and I’d ordered a couple of shirts to collect. I joined the queue, the woman in front of me.. Julie’s height, Julie’s style of long straight blond hair down between her shoulder blades, a blue top with large white spots on, exactly as Julie would have worn, A red and white spotted Cath Kidston handbag over her left shoulder, just like one Julie had… The only difference was her Jeans covered thighs were chunkier than Julie’s ever were… I smiled at all of the similarities, the comparison was so similar. The lady was served and walked off, I was served and around five minutes after joining the queue I was leaving the store. I barely got to the door and I just broke down and sobbed, I mean sobbed, I was walking towards my car my face covered in rain drops and streaming tears, I was distraught, I could so easily have dropped to my knees and sobbed forever it felt, I made it into the car my sobbing continued, I felt truly heartbroken, for over five minutes the tears just streamed as I gulped for air. I’ve not felt this way since the day I lost Julie, I cry often, I’m not ashamed to admit to my crying but I’ve never sobbed like this since 9^th September 2015…. A day later and my heart still feels raw and painful, when will it ever end? Will it ever end?......

 

Dedicated to Gee and his family - #NotOneInch