Time To Say Goodbye

Monday 28^th September 2015, without doubt this is going to be the toughest day of my life, mine and many others, including Emma, Aaron & Julie’s Dad Bob, that’s not to say its exclusive to us, I often wonder of the impact on George, Julie’s first husband for example, Julie and George always remained friends, we pretty much saw him and his family every visit and he brought Bob over to see Julie in her last weeks too, whatever the differences and the time gap these must be hard times too. I’m not going to turn this into a list or league table of whose grief is greater than someone else’s the reality is Julie was loved by so many, her death has impacted on so many and saying goodbye today is going to hurt for a lot.

I’ll add a slight warning on content at this stage, I’ve no desire to offend but as the blog is a realistic representation of the day and I tend to include pictures for most blogs, today’s will be no exception. I’m including an image of a casket very similar to Julie’s; it is from a supplier’s site (Yes although I didn’t you can buy almost anything on the net including caskets). There is also a poignant photograph taken by someone outside the crematorium after the funeral, again I think it is tasteful and worthy of inclusion but read on in the knowledge that today’s blog is no ordinary blog…

Julie’s Funeral is scheduled for 1.40pm at Grimsby Crematorium, I am up early taking in the magnitude of the day ahead of me given I’ve no speech/sermon/eulogy, I need to make this work, I’ve chatted through in my head as I shower and dress to get an idea on the time line. There is forty minutes from the time Julie enters the Crematorium until the last person leaves, I’m working on up to ten minutes to get people in and settled twenty minutes for the service and ten minutes for us to exit.

I still had things to do to ensure the day went to plan so I called Jen’s room and asked if she was ready to go down to Breakfast and five minutes later we were downstairs, I asked the receptionist to let me know when the twenty red roses had been delivered but to keep them somewhere cool, I also asked if I could extend our checkout times for I didn’t want to suit up yet, knowing me I’d end up wearing my breakfast. Julie has requested everyone come brightly clothed as if to party yet I was wearing a suit, a light coloured one admittedly but still a suit. The reason? Well Julie’s favourite film of all time was ‘Pretty Woman’ she often made the reference to feeling special if I turned up in the early days to meet her straight from work 'suited up' or If I arranged to meet her anytime at a train station if say we were going down to Maureen’s, rather than me driving home from Bolton then down to Birmingham it was easier to get Julie to get a train to Stoke, Stafford or Crewe and for me to pick her up on the way, I’d be on the platform suited up, and it made her feel so special, past boyfriends had never had reason to wear a suit except maybe a wedding or a funeral, so she felt special, ‘My Pretty Woman’….

I had printed out the order of service’s myself, they were more a token of remembering the day for with no hymns or prayers it comprised the songs Julie would arrive to, that we would reflect to mid service and what we would leave to. Julie had many musical loves including Alicia Keys, our wedding song was ‘Loving you’ by Alicia, we had seen her in concert three times, her music was always on in my car and I found three songs that said it all about Julie for me. The only real song Julie had suggested because she knew how special it was to us both was Take That’s ‘Rule the world’ On another of our gig outings in one show the build up to this song set the hairs on the backs of our heads on edge, the atmosphere was electric it was a special moment for us both, as she lay in her hospital bed at home one day it came on the TV and we both cried she certainly lit (light) up the sky up above me, when you read the lyrics below you can perhaps understand why it was one of ‘our songs’

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you

She asked did I want it as the music at her funeral, I didn’t know then and although so poignant and so relevant, when the time came for me to plan today I didn’t feel this was for a funeral, I’d played it at home and yes I sobbed, I don’t want to break down at Julie’s funeral, I need to keep my composure, I play Rule the world most days now and yes weeks on I still cry each day to it in the privacy of my car…

Back to the order of service, I’d added a picture of Julie one of my favourites from a new years eve in the lake district three years ago, she looked stunning and was on form that night, she knew when she looked good…

It mentioned the interlude and it mentioned Aaron reading Julie’s favourite poem, ‘Nooligan’ by Roger McGough. Aaron had second thoughts about reading the poem, in some ways I was glad he had, he had his family to look after and whilst I am sure he would have done a fantastic job this was tough to stand up under the circumstances of today.

So, a flavour of what was to come for you or rather maybe what wasn’t to come..

I had to take the orders of service to the Funeral Directors so they could deliver them to the crematorium in advance. It was also a chance for me to meet our Funeral Director Andrew, we had spoken on Friday just to run through everything, we had a ‘debate’ about any flowers that arrived, his view was they could not refuse deliveries despite my specific instructions to the team previously, I told him that I would see him on the Monday and had anyone gone against my wishes or was trying to circumvent them as he couldn’t comply with my wishes I told him I would take ownership of any on my arrival upon meeting him and I’d bin them myself. I told him I would hold up the funeral too if they arrived with any, I wasn’t joking in this regard, I truly felt very strongly on this subject. To assure no one sent flowers…

So although Julie would be leaving from Cleethorpes I had to meet the team at their Grimsby Office, Cleethorpes is a satellite site, Cleethorpes is tiny versus Grimsby. I arrived at the offices and was greeted by Sue who I’d previously met and made the arrangements with and then met with Andrew, this was a great ice breaker for me and it meant I knew who I would be looking for at the Crematorium. We chatted through and he wanted confirmation that no one would be following Julie on her final journey from Cleethorpes to the Crematorium. It’s only a couple of miles and I wasn’t bothering with ‘official limousines’, the price of these is scary and for basically a short journey not value for money or necessary given the size of the town, Limousines may have been fine when car ownership was a scarcity but nowadays almost everyone has a car.. There was another reason; I’d arranged something very special for Julie’s final journey, her final entrance and exit. Julie somehow seemed to make a statement when she walked into a room on a night out, she knew how to dress and she had some beautiful designer dresses, she had class and she turned heads I’m proud to say, she loved the attention and today well I hope she was looking down as she witnessed her own arrival, she would have been so proud..

So all the formalities completed as Emma, Bob, the twins and Olivia lived just two minutes away I called Emma and invited myself around for a coffee, I needed hugs off the family too, today was going to be tough on us all and well, although a slight understanding of the day and the twins were coming to the funeral Olivia wasn’t, she would join us afterwards at ‘the wake’.. Olivia is so affectionate to me as always and she wants to tell me everything, If I ever need a distraction in my life it is Olivia or as I call her ‘Ollipop’, the hug says it all really… We all chatted about everything and nothing it was just good to be with part of ‘my family’, All the children are going to be releasing pink balloons after the funeral with their own notes and pictures to send to grandma, Ollipop wants to know does grandma have a remote control to catch the balloons bless her…. Eventually I had to go back to the hotel and get changed, driving along I am still going through my words in my head, I had to get this right, I had to do Julie proud..

At the hotel the flowers have arrived, they look beautiful; I shot up to my room and changed then packed. I looked in the mirror, I knew Julie would be smiling as I met her on this journey..

There is a growing level of tension with everyone dressed up and the clock ticking, the butterflies were starting to take over my heartbeat. As a distraction I thought I’d take the cases out to my car and pack them, seems everyone saw this as the cue that we were leaving. It wasn’t too early so I just went with the flow, Casper, Annelies & Jen were in with me, the rest of the family organised themselves and followed us as we left the hotel, yes I had remembered the roses too, I gave them to Nigel to look after & hand out as the service ends.

The road into the crematorium is about half a mile long, it’s a dead-end ending in the crematorium car park and the crematorium entrance gates were just off that. I’d asked everyone to gather by the gates not at the crematorium, I had my reasons.

When we arrived the main car park was full, a combination of the mourners at the funeral in front and judging by the number of people Julie was getting some send off. We parked on the grassed overflow car park and I had barely walked two feet and was being greeted by friends, I walked over to Aaron & Vicky, both so composed. We hugged and chatted and as I hugged and chatted made my way halfway across the car park whilst chatting to Vince, Denise and their family, Karen suddenly looked at me and said “Horse & carriage?” I looked at her and said “Pardon?” in my head I was thinking how the hell did you know? I’d told no one but Nigel, I said “Yes, what made you say that?” she pointed up the long drive; two black horses were coming into view getting larger and more impressive with every trot. At this point at the crematorium gates, Mum was saying to Nigel, “I wonder what surprises he has in store for us” she was recalling my conversation of the night before and I think dreading what I was going to do or say today.. Nigel said “Here’s your first surprise Mother” as he pointed up the road towards the ever nearing horses. The buzz was incredible as the horses and glass carriage loomed closer towards us, the lady was making her final entrance in a style most befitting, I walked towards the road to greet Julie, the horses were magnificent, huge but class, purple plumes of feathers on their heads and drapes coloured purple too, Julie’s favourite colour by coincidence. As the coachmen stopped the horses the sight although sad and emotional was incredible, her wicker casket that I’d had fresh ivy woven into the side this morning and topped with the lillies Julie’s dad had wanted looked so stately. No one would forget this final arrival, the lady had turned heads again, I felt so proud at the magnificence of the occasion for my darling wife and that I had kept it a secret.

 

I spoke with Andrew the funeral Director in all of his formal wear, I asked Nigel to pass me one of the Roses and handed it to Andrew. He asked could I retain it until the horses pulled up outside of the crematorium itself. The weather up until now had been overcast but as if on cue too the sun came out.. We briefly chatted and then I led the mourners in behind the magnificent carriage, Julie’s last few yards I would be with her and we would accompany her the fifty yards into the grounds. Some people were waiting at the crematorium entrance, they’d missed the grand entrance down the drive but they had a prime position to see the majestic horses and the carriage, the comments were simply ‘Wow’…. A slight delay for the funeral in front of us was still in progress, Andrew’s team had to prepare to remove Julie’s casket from the glass carriage. I gave Andrew the red rose to place upon the casket. Andrew also needed to introduce me to the crematorium staff for as I was taking the service I needed to be shown which buttons to press and when and which buttons not to press for the music, for the curtains…

Not everyone here today knew me and many had no idea I was taking the service either so there was a bit of a buzz too as people wondered what was going on. The crematorium Manager came out to me and Andrew, we shook hands and went through to the lectern area and I was briefed… On walking back out we needed to get the formalities underway and as the team raised Julie’s magnificent but simple casket to their shoulders Andrew asked me to lead the casket and mourners in, I grabbed my mother’s hand she was looking almost forlorn, I couldn’t see Nigel around and I needed some moral support too so we walked in ahead, I checked she was ok and sat her in the front row I invited Julie’s dad to sit next to Maureen, Emma and Bob and the twins sat front row too just in front of me. As the other mourners came in the first Alicia Keys ‘Not Even The King’ played right through and the team set it off again. Have a listen to the words if you get chance, it typifies the love Julie and I had for each other, a love gold or jewellery or a crown could not buy…..

I took this opportunity to look over at Julie’s casket, I’m imagining per her words that

Catalogue image

she’s standing beside me, I so hope she can see all of this; in my head I’m saying” you’d have loved this hunny, it’s your day lady” …the freshly woven ivy around the casket, the material, it was all very rustic and it seemed to soften the harshness of the day. I was clueless to how many would be here today, I knew people had travelled far and wide, Taiwan, Netherlands, Scotland, Warwickshire, Derbyshire, County Durham, Cheshire, Lancashire from the south of England and from Merseyside, I’m guessing there were around 130 people here to help celebrate Julie’s life for that’s what she wanted, a celebration, not for people to mourn and upset themselves though inevitably tears would be falling today.

The brightness of the clothes was a magnificent sign of respect, Xena, June and Letty were in their 50’s style dresses that Julie so loved and in fact she was wearing one of her own Vivian of Holloway vintage style dresses today and yes, she had her glasses with her…

 

I stood facing the never ending line of friends & family arriving, so many the Crematorium Management set 'Not Even The King' to play through a second time..
As the doors closed and everyone was seated I was ready, well as ready as I was ever going to be, I’d got two more ‘surprises to deliver’. I welcomed everyone, this was the part I’d been dreading how to start this off but it just flowed. Starting with “Well I’m sure you‘ll agree that was some entrance”… I then introduced myself and explained why I was taking the service, Julie did not want a religious service and my experience of humanist funerals left me feeling Julie deserved better than that..The bottom line was everyone in the room knew something about Julie but no one knew ‘everything about Julie’ like I did though even in the last week she had surprised me twice, one was the depth of the words she had written for me in my journal they didn’t mean a lot to me when she gave me the journal a year earlier, but I’m sure you’ll agree they were so poignant and so right for this time, she had clearly thought the future out. The other surprise although for me lovely it will remain between Julie and myself until and beyond the day I die…..

So intro’s done, explanation given I quickly asked everyone to check their phones were off, the only phone left on was to be mine and that was because I’d set a twenty minute timer to ensure I paced my words and that I finished on time, staring at a clock that says twenty minutes and you haven’t anything written down will seem like an age to fill. I’d started it as soon as I got to the lectern.

Well here we go and the first surprise, I am still inwardly annoyed at those who failed to heed or take the opportunity to visit Julie including some who had promised to come and see her next week and of course the next week became next week and in the end they missed their opportunity. I wasn’t going to major in on this but it was going to be said… I thanked everyone for coming and welcomed them, I thanked them for dressing brightly per Julie’s wishes. There were few gaps so I moved on to say what a fantastic turnout it was for Julie but followed it by adding “Forgive me for seeing the irony in so many of you coming to say goodbye and to stare at Julie’s casket when the reality is she wanted to see you when she was alive”.. I didn’t dwell on it but could imagine Maureen thinking “he wouldn’t let it go”, I suspect several others thought the same….. I finished with “you’re all most welcome and please join us for the celebration & food after”

I moved straight on to talk about how important the 17^th July 1961 was, the day Julie entered this world, I explained how Julie’s family was made up and I made light of some of the fun her brothers had at her expense as children and how they ‘exploited’ the fact she was the only girl, I went on to explain as soon as old enough and the lads started dating they wanted crisply ironed shirts to impress & that Julie exploited them by charging by the shirt. I explained how Phil her eldest brother started to sneak her out to the pub before she was legal to drink, I joked, you’ll be in trouble with your Dad later Phil… I also explained that Julie and her family had lived in half of a building called Stallingborough Manor, and that she was almost ‘to the manor born’, I think that’s why our house became named ‘Shute Manor’.

I went on to explain how Julie discovered boys and that included first husband George who was here today with other family members, I explained about her first marriage being on her 21^st Birthday and she did her own catering, how the marriage brought two amazing children into the world Emma then Aaron and that they in turn had delivered us six grandchildren, “We have six grandchildren” I proclaimed realising my now error I corrected myself, “I now have six grandchildren”, I looked down and amazingly the clock was counting down like mad, it was time for a period of reflection as Alicia Key’s instrumental piece ‘De Novo Adagio’ played, after I pressed the right button on the lectern.

As the song ended I explained I would now be reading the poem, Julie’s favourite poem because it made her smile. There was also an irony here, Roger McGough also Paul McCartney’s cousin was from our peninsula, The Wirral Peninsula.. Little did she know thirteen years ago she would be living in close proximity to her favourite poet..

Nooligan by Roger McGough

I’m a nooligan
dont give a toss
in our class
I’m the boss
(well, one of them)

I’m a nooligan
got a nard ‘ead
step out of line
and youre dead
(well, bleedin)

I’m a nooligan
I spray me name
all over town
footballs me game
(well, watchin)

I’m a nooligan
violence is fun
gonna be a nassassin
or a hired gun
(well, a soldier)

 

I glanced at the timer counting down, the last surprise of the day was I explained Julies final months had been spent with Maureen and others during the day and by me overnight but one ‘person’ was ever present day and night, Winston, her seizure warning teddy bear, her ‘secret holding’ teddy bear. I’d sneaked him in unnoticed, he would be with her to the end but he was coming home with me, one of his cousins would accompany Julie on the final stage of today…. How can a fluffy toy hold so much emotion, the little bugger almost had me crying as I introduced him..

I finished off by explaining how strong, determined and inspirational Julie was and how much of a fight she put up and also how she captured so many people’s hearts and the special friendships she forged with people, I highlighted how she bonded with Gogglebox’s Eve and with Hannah, her partner in crime on ward 26, Hannah was here today……..

I glanced at my timer, just seconds to go, I over ran by eight seconds as I explained it was time for us to say goodbye but there would be no closing of the curtains around the casket, at so many funerals this just causes so much distress, we would file past Julie as the final piece of music started, Alicia Keys ‘That’s when I knew’, it’s a fantastic piece tone wise and it explains the moment you knew you’d fallen in love… I can remember that moment with Julie… I suspect many people will recall the moments they first fell in love..

I took a rose from Nigel and the main family members followed suit. I said my final final goodbye to my soul mate, to the love of my life, to the most amazing woman I’ve ever known or I suspect will ever know.. I stepped away and watched as everyone stopped to admire her casket and to say their goodbyes, I saw and heard Emma breakdown I could feel her pain, I saw Aaron move his lips to the casket to kiss his mum goodbye, he lingered or seemed to for an age, he didn’t cry, Aaron is quite ‘deep and thoughtful’ this wasn’t about tears it was about saying “goodbye Mum”. Julie’s dad bless him, he’s understandably heartbroken, his little girl gone…..It was all so emotional and touching; as people filed by we shook hands and hugged, some lovely comments made about the service and the carriage and the casket…

I’m pleased to report that we were clear of the crematorium in ample time. From my perspective it had all gone to plan. As we exited and gathered in the garden of remembrance where Andrew had set up the collection for Clatterbridge, he’d also explained earlier the horses and carriage would be in the garden too for around thirty minutes after the service. They looked magnificent; I went over and thanked the team and the horses for making Julie’s final journey so special. One of the team handed me a worn horseshoe, it will stay with me forever now.. I walked back over to Mum and Bob, Andrew had brought out Julie’s flowers and they were looking at the lillies. Bob was pleased. Maureen hugged me and said “Well you did it, I thought you were going to bottle it”.. I called her a cheeky sod and she should have more faith but it was a close call……

It was time to move on to ‘The Wake’….

 

Julie Shute 17th July 1961 - 9th September 2015