On realising Julie had just slipped away, I held her, I checked her breathing with the back of my hand close to her nose and lips, it was obvious she had slipped away so so quietly and peacefully, Maureen had threatened me not to let Julie go without her being there, she had made a promise with Julie that she would be with her at the end, I kissed her and said goodbye to my most precious partner , my wife, my best friend, my entire world but I needed to get Maureen, I ran like the wind up our stairs and as I neared the top I knocked The Red Room door and told Mum to come quickly, I needed to and ran straight back down to be with Julie, she shouldn’t be alone now, there was probably less than 30 seconds between me kissing her goodbye and being back holding her hand, Maureen was seconds behind me and she held and hugged Julie she softly brushed her forehead, I asked Maureen to double check I was right, she was still so toasty it didn’t seem real, she had slipped away so gently.
Julie’s
dearest friend also Julie had been with us since the day before, I was so
pleased she made the long journey up from Bournemouth, I had explained Julie’s
sedated state but Julie still wanted to be with her, a long time ago Julie was
in an unhappy relationship and as she was living about a mile away we invited
her to move in to get her life back on track, she was a special friend to us
both but her friendship with Julie far extended beyond my time with ‘my Julie’
they’d worked together in Grimsby, so bizarre she too ended up in Wirral. I
heard ‘Julie2’ up and called up to her that Julie had just slipped away, she
came straight down and she said her goodbyes to her too. My business brain then
kicked in and I knew I needed to call the out of hours GP service for they
would need to confirm Julie’s death. Shortly after I received a call back and
the GP asked me a few questions then asked would I be comfortable for our
district nurses to confirm Julie’s death, of course this was fine by me. I knew
the Nurses would have to come out anyway, for I’d previously done my ‘fail to plan, plan to fail’ checks and had
asked what I would need to do when the time came. The Nurses needed to come to
remove Julie’s catheter also her two syringe drivers.
The doorbell
rang it was not long after four and two of our amazing District Nurse team were
here to offer their condolences, I took them through to see Julie, the team
late the night before had at my request placed her on her side facing into the
room and towards ‘my now infamous blow up bed suspended on three dining chairs’
the reason for this was Julie had developed a cough and was too weak to cough
up what was bothering her, on her side I thought this might assist rather than
being on her back as usual, this was how we’d always slept upstairs anyway. It
did the trick for she never coughed after she was repositioned. She looked so
peaceful as we left her to the Nurses to go through their formalities, we
retired to the lounge still numb, facing the reality that Julie’s journey and
her suffering had finally reached a peaceful closure, I am so, so, grateful
that I was with her as she slipped away but it was a surreal situation, I was
already thinking ahead who I needed to call, family, funeral Director, my head
was spinning, these calls I wasn’t looking forwards to and I didn’t want to be
apart from Julie, it could not be ‘this clinical’…. There was a knock at the
lounge door and the Nurses called me through explaining ‘The Lady of the Manor’
was waiting for me…. I went through alone I’d thanked the Nurses for their
kindness, they explained I should call my Doctor late morning and the medical
certificate should be ready for me. As I went into the dining room, the sight
before me was so serene, the nurses had removed all of their medical equipment,
they’d bagged up all of Julie’s drugs for me to arrange disposal of.. They had
lain Julie on her back in the middle of the bed, it was or looked pristinely
& freshly made, in her hands she was
gently holding ‘Winston’, her ever faithful teddy, they had brushed her hair, she looked so
naturally beautiful again though the colour had slipped from her face but not
in a bad way, it was then I noticed to the right of her head on the pillow was
a fresh rose and to the left of her head against the
headboard was her ‘Lady of
The Manor’ cushion, this truly demonstrated the care, thoughtfulness and
compassion of our amazing team of Nurses, this was way beyond what I’d dreamt I
would walk in to…. I called Maureen and Julie in and we three sat by her, still
reassuring her we were there, it’s stupid but, then again, is it? Was she now
looking down on us as we comforted her and each other? Who knows… I was still numb, it was too early to call
family, there was no benefit in waking them early, today was going to be a
tough day for our family, for Julie’s Dad, brothers and in particular for
Julie’s children Emma & Aaron and their families, they’d have to break the
news to our six grandchildren too that grandma had gone to heaven.. This was
not going to be a great day for so many as the news would slowly trickle out, I
knew I’d have to put out posts on Twitter and to our facebook friends and also
via the blog, so many people have expressed such amazing kindness and their
condolences.
As we sat
there approaching five a.m. Maureen asked me was I calling the funeral
directors? I explained not yet, I had two reasons, well three, one I had no
desire to rush my beloved wife out of her home, I knew I’d have to but there
would be no rush, secondly Julie had become so attached to two of her carers
Steph & Ann, Steph in particular I’d watched yet another amazing bond forge
over the months, Steph & Ann were her first carers and with the bond I owed
it to them both to have the opportunity to say one final goodbye if they wanted
to. I knew from Julie’s time as a healthcare assistant that she’d seen more
than her fair share of clients slip away, I suspected the same would be true
for Steph and Ann, Julie would not be going anywhere until they had the
opportunity to say their goodbyes if they wanted to. The third reason and I’m
not tight but I knew there would be an out of hours fee from the Funeral
Directors.
By seven
a.m. and I started the difficult task of calling family, not unexpectedly no
one was immediately answering their phone but I rang Julie’s brother who lives
with his Mum and Dad, Bob needed to be told in person and I was 180 miles away,
I spoke with Emma and Aaron both of whom I so wished I’d have been with too to
hug, breaking the news to them despite trying to stay composed and grown up my
tears not for the first or last time today flowed. I phoned others but Its such
a blur even now I cannot remember who I called and who I didn’t. I should have
made a list of who to call when the time came, I failed to plan…
Just after
nine I saw Steph & Ann arriving, I met them at the open door and explained
Julie had slipped away, I saw the sadness creep over Steph’s face, how the hell
did Julie manage to impact on people in this way? We hugged and I explained
Julie was peacefully at rest in her bed and that I’d not called the funeral
Directors for I wanted to give them the chance to say their goodbyes if they
wanted, of course they wanted to and so they did, Tracy who is now responsible
for keeping me in well ironed shirts arrived around the same time and I
extended the same offer to Tracy who also said goodbye to Julie..
I was still
numb, still in shock still thinking what else did I need to do? By ten a.m. I
contacted the funeral Directors to notify them that to their convenience but
with no rush I was prepared to let them take Julie into their care..
Not long
afterwards the phone rang, it was The Coroner’s office, and they “Needed to ask
me some questions”… My head went into a spin, I knew the Coroner’s office got
involved in suspicious deaths but there was nothing suspicious here
surely? Thankfully the lady explained
that our GP had to refer Julie’s death to their office for If a patient dies in the community (at home)
and hasn’t seen their GP in fourteen days then a referral must be made, It was
sixteen days since Andy Lee our GP last saw Julie. I spent ten minutes talking
everything through and answering all of the questions posed to me when the lady
confirmed “Based on what you’ve told me and the GP’s report I am authorising
him to issue Julie’s medical certificate and that it should be available from
two p.m.” at our surgery.
I’m not sure
of the order of this next piece but either Carolyn the head of our district
nurse team arrived or the funeral directors. We sat and talked to Carolyn and
she’d brought a card for Maureen and I, she spoke with a genuine fondness of
Julie and how she had admired her fighting spirit and also we discussed the
early first few days when she and her team wanted to do things their way and I
wanted certain things for Julie such as cot sides and yes it was ‘challenging’
to start with but it was in Julie’s best interests in my opinion and I think
Carolyn soon realised my respect for her and her team when I explained that the
care package was wrong and with no disrespect to her amazing team of Nurses
that in the early stages a lot of Julie’s care was being supplied by fully
trained Nurses, the reality is for two of their four calls they were just
hoisting Julie on to the commode and wiping her bum… This isn’t the work of
specialist Nurses whose time would be better with nursing other patients, yes
we needed them twice a day but the other two calls needed transferring to the
amazing army of professional carers who care not Nurse, I hope that doesn’t
sound belittling of carers it is not meant to be they are amazing in their own
right and I can never thank them enough.
Composed
again I called the guys in and explained I was ready, they asked did I want to
leave them to it, no I didn’t I would be with Julie and them until they drove
off in their ‘private ambulance’ and I was…
Now there is
numbness, I went back into ‘Julie’s bedroom’ and I stripped the spotless linen,
I’d previously had concerns about the empty bed, stripped down it looked well,
it no longer looked like Julie’s bed. I called the equipment store, It wasn’t
that I wanted to remove all trace of Julie or reminders of her though there is
a bit of that I suspect, it wasn’t that we were desperate for the space but I
needed the house to be tidy, it’s ‘What Julie would have done’, not only that
the volume of equipment and the NHS being short of funds and resource they’d
want it back like yesterday wouldn’t they? Wrong! The earliest a collection
could be scheduled was the Monday so five days away, I was gobsmacked but no
that was the soonest this could be done apparently. I’ve already gone on a
crusade about this, it’s another small but crucial battle in an attempt to help
others. I’ve spoken to key contacts within the NHS community and my recent
Directorial acquaintance from our CCG, Lorna who attended my meeting with the
senior Executive at Arrowe Park Hospital. This service had recently been
tendered out to the private sector and either the new organisation wasn’t
honouring their commitments or had a key requirement been excluded from the
contract and tender process? As I spoke to Lorna she expressed her dismay and
made my point for me, “Andy what if someone has lost a loved one, only has one
room as is the case with a lot of Birkenhead’s aged terraced housing stock” the
realisation that bulky equipment needed to be out of the way asap on
compassionate grounds is apparent, surely five days is too long to wait, surely
24 hours is reasonable and achievable?.
Time will tell but ‘It’s on the radar now’.
Late morning
Julie2 was discussing her planned departure and she said to Maureen, “Will you
be going home now Maureen?” In my typical off the cuff way I answered the
question “She sure is”, it was said with cheeky humour, Maureen glared at me
and said “So when am I going home then?” I grinned and answered “I don’t know
yet but you are”, I added “You know you need to go home, there is no point in
hanging around here now, the funeral will be in Grimsby and you know Nigel (my
brother) and Nunu (his wife) will be home and staying at yours” she frowned at
me, “I’ll think about it”. I went to our GP’s and collected Julie’s medical
certificate confirming her death, they also kindly gave me a condolences card,
how thoughtful. Now I had the medical certificate I could call the local
Registrar’s office to make an appointment so that I could register Julie’s
death, this has to be done in five days of the death occurring, I called and
got an appointment for 2.30pm on Friday. Suddenly I was being consumed by
administration but it kept me busy. I also had a plan now regarding Maureen
going home, there is no way I can just kiss my mother goodbye at Lime Street
Station after us enduring this trauma plus, Maureen had lost Henry in January,
his funeral was in February and barely a month later Maureen was up with me
with a commitment to stay until the end now. I knew she had already struggled
on going home by train the first time and walking back into an empty house with
nothing but memories to haunt her.
I got home
and said to Maureen “I’ve decided when you’re going home” she looked at me
expectantly, “I have to register Julie’s death Friday afternoon, I will drive
you home and I’ll stay with you Friday night and Saturday night so you’re not
alone and I can be safe in the knowledge you’re settled in, Sunday I will drive
up to Grimsby to see Julie’s family, I needed to be close to the kids and Julie’s
Dad but these would be tough visits, I needed to discuss plans for the funeral
with them all, I know what I’m doing for her but so much I want to be a
surprise but the family needed to know the detail. I’m jumping ahead for I’ve
not even arranged an appointment with the undertakers yet. Maureen seemed pleased with my ‘cunning plan’..
I had to
dash out again to the Funeral Directors, logistically this wasn’t straight
forward, Julie had recently confirmed she wanted her funeral in Grimsby,
despite my protestations I would respect her wishes for “What Julie wants,
Julie gets”.. this was really bugging me though, so many of Julie’s support
team would be disadvantaged by this decision. It’s customary for Nurse teams,
Medical teams neighbours etc to be represented at the funeral but a 360 mile
round trip comprising a full day would prevent this, still Julie’s wish’s are
Julie’s wish’s… I discussed the
arrangements with our local branch of The Co-operative Funeral Directors; they
now had Julie in their care. I chose this service for they have nationwide
branches and would be used to handling such distant arrangements, maybe not
though it seems they hadn’t dealt with this situation before, we decided as the
Funeral would be in Grimsby it would be best for a local team to handle the
arrangements, Crematorium fees differ by county or council. I asked they
contact the Cleethorpes branch for amongst Julie’s first ever conversation with
me included the phrase “I’m from Grimsby but cannot wait to get the hell out of
here, as soon as the children have left home I am leaving” I won’t go into it
in detail she had great friends in Grimsby including her former in-laws but she
felt the towns folk in general were small minded and wanted to know everyone’s
business or, if there was anything said about someone one side of town within
twenty minutes everyone the other side of town would hear the news… I’m sure it
isn’t any different to any other small town but Julie was adamant she wanted
away, ultimately she did and although on family grounds her journey on earth
will end in Grimsby I was not going to have her resting in Grimsby, Cleethorpes
is at one point just a foot away from Grimsby and so on principle she would
rest in Cleethorpes until her funeral, I know she would be smiling at my
thinking.. Anyway the call to Cleethorpes resulted in me having an appointment
with them in Cleethorpes on Monday and they had confirmed Julie’s cremation
would take place on Monday 28th September. I could now spread the
word and begin with my plans, I was never destined to be Mr Popular, I knew what
Julie wanted, I knew how she would want to leave us and we had discussed
certain points including what she would wear (A Cath Kidston Dress, elbow
length gloves, hold ups. Julie’s humour always tickled me, when we first
discussed all of this over two years ago out of the blue she said to me “Don’t forget
to put my glasses in with me when I die, you know I’m afraid of the dark and
need to see where I’m going”.. This still makes me smile today. I did my
research and there are somethings you can put in a casket for a cremation but
metal is excluded, Julie’s glasses were metal filigree framed, we had to get
plastic glasses commissioned for her, crackers uh? But it was what she wanted… and
what she got…
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