Today, well
I was the last to leave the crematorium and by the time we got to the
restaurant I had to make my own parking space (as I do). I’d called in earlier in the day and put some
large framed pictures onto the tables all showing my lovely wife, all in her
loveliness and pretty clothes, she really ‘scrubbed up well’ as the saying
goes, I know I was a lucky man..
It’s a weird
day, I spoke to everyone but at the same time no one, how does that happen? The
restaurant was packed, I’d arranged a six dish hot Chinese buffet that everyone
seemed to approve of, Julie would have loved it too… The day was just so
consuming for me I spent so little time with everyone, I barely got a mouthful
of food, it was all such a whirlwind, those that approached and spoke to me
were very complimentary of the food, of the funeral ‘service’ of the coach and
horses, I’m glad they felt that way though not everybody it seemed felt the
same…
All of the
grandchildren were here now and they had balloons to let off with their special
messages and pictures tied to them for grandma, I knew it was occurring, Emma
had previously told me and I saw the balloons being prepared but I don’t recall
anyone telling me they were about to be released, purely by fluke I went out to
the car to get the journal to show Julie’s Cousin Maria and her husband Simon.
I’d had quite an in depth conversation with Simon, I hold him in high esteem,
from a business background too we kind of get each other I think, he shared his
concerns with my need to express my view on people not having visited Julie, to
a degree he had a point for by definition, some who had visited Julie still didn’t feel it
was enough and took my comments to heart, I understood, I knew I was never
going to please anyone other than myself with raising the topic but other than
writing about it to a wider audience here I have truly let this go now and
let’s face it there is no going back anyway. No one though other than Maureen and myself had to suffer the pain of hearing Julie asking why some people weren't visiting her or how she so much
wanted to see people.
 |
| Grandma's Balloons |
So on heading out to the car the grandchildren
and children are there being watched by friends and family letting the balloons
go, this next piece/event is hard to write and were I so embittered I’d throw
names in here but those that were close to Julie if they haven’t already heard
this will know, those that don’t know us that well, well names are irrelevant,
I’m raising the subject for it fits in with the blog title and all I’d say to
any of you is read this, consider this and then decide if you’re ever in this
position how you will treat people and how you cope with your own grief or how
you consider other's grief, I have to respect this lady's right to express her grief or anger towards me in a way she seems fit..
So three of
what I thought were ‘our friends’, you’ll recall my last blog about ‘friends’,
these people I classed as ‘our friends’. I’d spent no time with them during the
day, hey, I’d been busy, I saw little of people as per above, I saw everyone
and I saw no one. I went over to the three of them and to one (who Julie would
have told you was one of her dearest friends) I just said “Hello Missus, are
you not talking to me?” It was said in partial jest but I didn’t recall talking
earlier, I was gobsmacked by the one word response of “No”… I muttered
something like “ok then” and walked off to my nearby car to get the journal
thinking “What the ….” What Was that about? The other two friends were fine with me. Today was no time to have arguments
or to push issues though but the one thing I did know was I had no clue as to why I
was ‘being blanked’. I watched the balloons head west; almost it seemed
Liverpool/Wirral bound. I went back into the hotel restaurant and shared the
journal with Simon & Maria. Slowly people were heading off now, it had been
a long day for everyone, some had travelled from afar and going back in the
same day, I hugged and kissed so many people but right now I couldn’t name one
of them. Gradually I hugged and kissed the stragglers which were all family
saying I’d see them soon and I’d be in touch, these are the hardest goodbyes.
Casper,
Annelies, Jeanette and I headed west; it was subdued in the car as we were
homeward bound, I’m not sure how I felt, was this going to bring me closure?
Would I be able to just move on with my life now?. I knew the answer would be
no, not yet for I still have to collect Julie’s ashes and we as a family need
to respect Julie’s wishes on her final ‘resting place’. As I drove I tried to
figure out what had occurred to upset a once dear friend to the point that
today of all days she wasn’t speaking to me. Julie had said to all of her
family and I suspect to her closest friends too, “Please look after Andy when
I’m gone” so, even more of a reason to not ostracise me like this, it really
ate away at me initially. I’m truly stunned by this; I thought we were friends
too…. I have to accept I’m not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’, I also have to accept
that we all grieve differently but I feel out of this close friend’s rejection
that I’ve been perceived to have failed Julie and that hurts, as I can reflect
back now as we are two month’s on, I’ve no regrets over how I cared, loved and
fought for Julie from the moment we discovered she was going to succumb to ‘fluff’,
was I perfect before that? I’d answer no, I have my many faults, on rare
occasions Julie would say to me “I love you dearly, but right now I don’t like
you” but our relationship was special and it was solid. Early tomorrow morning
I’m flying to Tenerife for a week to get my head around things and to evaluate
my life as it is and what do I want to do with my future, I’ve not had time to
truly consider me for well over a year, besides a long weekend in Jersey in
2014 I’ve not felt the warmth of the sun, I need all of this to help me reflect,
I hoped I would come back with all of the answers and a plan.
Tenerife was
lovely, not many people realised this was the last place Julie & I had
actually holidayed together in late April as she became ill in the July, there
were no clues then, I actually invested in a two year ‘time share’ kind of
deal, I smile now as Julie watched me in full negotiation mode with the resort
rep and then his manager, her words of “How on earth did you pull that off?”
make me smile today, it was truly
sad though she never got the benefit of the
deal though I rescued some of my investment with this holiday, shame due to a
lack of holiday’s I’m going to lose the rest… I already thought I’d ‘lost the
deal’ for I signed the contract in April 13, during Julie’s palliative pathway
stage something was niggling at me about the contract for we were beyond the
two year deal period. I dug the contract out after Julie had left me and was
pleased to see it (the contract) hadn’t come in to force until 1st
January 2014!
As the taxi
drove me to the resort I was wishing Julie was with me, I wasn’t here for fun
even though it was a break, I can’t see me having any fun for the foreseeable
future, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t going to be a doom and gloom break, Julie
would have wanted me to move on, I’m not sure if I’ve previously mentioned it
but even in the last eight weeks of her life she tried to ‘match make’ me with
a mutual good friend, she was ever thoughtful to the end, you’d think in the
knowledge that you’re dying the focus would been all about herself, but no her
only concerns were for me, ‘our families’ and where her funeral would be held.
I visited a
lot of the places Julie and I had been to, I went on a whale & dolphin
watching boat trip as I had with Julie, I smiled as I recalled her joy and
excitement as we saw dolphins swim under our catamaran and two pods of whales
close by, Julie was so easily pleased…
My second night here and a friend messaged me to ask how I was, she mentioned a face book conversation about the funeral and the balloons, it was obvious the person who posted it was making a point by praising the family but 'ignored my contribution' the friend felt the need to comment in my defence. I hadn't seen this conversation on Facebook, I'd missed little for there are so many nice comments appearing all over that of course I'm reading and touched by all of them. I searched for this thread and I couldn't find it so I searched for the person's name who had posted it, I couldn't find her, the realisation that not only had I been snubbed at the wake but I had now been blocked on Facebook by her too! What the hell was going on, I was furious, I felt now like I'd been stabbed in the heart, this hurt, truly hurt. I posted a rant on Facebook but of course the person who had blocked me wouldn't see this for of course I'm now 'blocked'.... I'm still clueless as to what I've done or not done.....
My main
considerations for when I got back home and was seeking answers to mainly revolved
around the house, ‘Shute Manor’ as Julie had named it. Put simply it’s too big for
me, I live 43 miles from my office, my annual diesel bill is around £5,000 a
year, on top of that another £700 in tunnel fees, it is logical to move east
towards my office. Because of my work hours I know less than a dozen people
locally and I’d class just three of them as friends. I came to the conclusion
that unless I had a reason to stay here by the end of the year then I’ll put
the house on the market, it’s not the memories of Julie dying there, I truly
wanted us to be together in our home as she slipped away, once she realised I
wasn’t going to be upset by this and wanted it to be this way she was at ease
with it all too, I actually told her in hospital not to worry about that for I’d
sell the house after she finally ‘left me’.
What about
me? What was to be for me? I’ve had two years plus knowing Julie was going to
leave me sooner than we wanted, I don’t do being alone well, I don’t have loads
of mates, I’ve never been the ‘all the guys on a night out type’, I’ve always
felt more at home in women’s company than men’s and again due to working away I
know few women in Birkenhead or anywhere else if it comes to it plus questions
ran through my mind like “Is it too early to move on? Will anyone want to spend
time of any kind with a fifty-nine year old? I appreciate I’m not the rugged
good looking handsome type, too many times in my life I’ve been told “you’re a
lovely man Andy, but…(not my type)”, Even Julie told me after a couple of months
of seeing each other “You do know that you and I will never be anything other
than friends don’t you?”, yes I know my strengths are once people realise what’s
behind the face, the problem is and I saw a quote recently that said “Any man
can treat a lady right for one night, but it takes a great man to treat her
right for life”. My response to this is (and you’ll say well you would say this
Andy) From my experience and listening to others a lot of women are attracted
to the handsome, chiselled chinned, rugged good looking type of man yet so many
then become bitter because the men are, ‘excuse my language, Bastards’, they’ll
use you and walk all over you, you think you can change them to be the man you
want them to be, loyal, loving, committed to you and yet judging by a lot of
comments I’ve read recently it ends in disaster and upset for you, meanwhile
the guys that aren’t so good looking, the guy in the club or pub that you’d never
talk to or fancy even if he was the last man on the planet is the guy who is
craving to worship you and make you happy and content, Julie called me her frog
prince… anyone who knew Julie and knew of us knew she had the happiness and
security in a relationship she’d always craved.. There are some beautiful
single women who read this blog, I’ve been fortunate to meet many of you, not
for me but on behalf of all ‘frog princes’ I’d say “Your looks and their looks
(the rugged handsome types) will one day begin to fade, the fidelity of these
hunks is likely to be questionable, seriously get to know the ‘frog princes’
and then decide do you want one night of being treated right or a lifetime?”
The dilemma
for me is when if ever is the right time to move on, I’ve no desire to step
into a full blown relationship so soon after losing Julie, many of you will say
I’m being disrespectful now even contemplating this area of my future, I
certainly will not sully our memories by doing this even lol if any of you
beautiful women would consider me, Julie cannot be replaced, what we had was special,
so special and so unique but at the end of the day I’m human and in the grand
scheme of things at 59 my time and romance options are limited. I miss the
affection and closeness of romance as opposed to love, without overstating the
obvious what Julie and I had for over two years was our deep seated love for
each other, yes we hugged and kissed and told each other probably twenty times
a day that we loved each other (and meant it) but understandably things were ‘different’ to
how they were pre her illness, the turmoil I have in my head is wanting what I crave
and miss versus respecting the memory of my darling wife.
I flew home
thinking I had most things worked out; it fast became apparent that wasn’t so
but more on that in another blog.
As I walked
into the house in the early hours of the morning, I sat in Julie’s reclining
chair in the dining room window; I looked at the pile of post Corrinna had
kindly brought in for me. I felt the emptiness of the house, I looked at my favourite framed
picture of Julie that was on the dining table and sobbed as I asked her again “Why
did you have to leave me, why?” The realisation that this was my future hit me
like a ton of bricks, I took the picture to bed with me and Julie, Winston and
myself were 'reunited' as I cried myself to sleep….
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