How not to spend Xmas Day(s)

Let me start by saying this is a lengthy blog, please bear with us and it, I hope it’s a good read but again have your tissues handy, the second ‘half’ is tough reading I’m afraid.

Because of more recent events that we are still to bring to you, I want the blog to become ‘real time’ as soon as possible, we are nearly there.

Well my Novalis Tx treatment seems to have been a complete success, I’m not perfect, I know I will never truly improve but for now, I am relieved that I’ve got an extension on my time with my families and friends.

I never expected to make Xmas 2013 so to be in October and dreaming of this Xmas as it’s so, so close is truly a bonus. We’ve got a big house by today’s standards, it’s Victorian, full of character and it feels so warm and homely especially when there are a lot of people here, in days gone by we’ve held parties here with up to 80 people in the house and Andy putting on the most amazing buffets produced from the tiniest of kitchens. I had told the kids that I’ve always wanted a family Xmas here all sitting round the huge dining room table laden with goodies, it was one of my bucket list things, It couldn’t happen last year and for various reasons it couldn’t happen this year either, I’m disappointed but I also think am I being selfish in expecting two families to come over to me for Xmas, all the expense that causes them and I’m separating in particular the grandchildren from their other Nanna & Granddad's plus the rest of the family, Emma’s Nanna on her dad's side Lil lives across the road from them, god I hate this condition for all the dilemmas it gives me.

After talking with Aaron & Emma we found a window of opportunity, the weekend of the 28^th of November, the kids could all get over! I am EXCITED!!!!!! We are going to have ‘Fakemass’ our own Xmas. I have to get busy buying presents and scheming, the house will be full, six adults six grandchildren! We put our huge 10 feet tall Xmas tree up in the Dining Room, it’s going to be special…

I love Andy dearly, he’s my rock, my frog prince but at times he can be an inconsiderate ARSE!  We haven’t previously mentioned this in the blog but on top of a fulltime job, on top of looking after me, on top of his charity fundraising Andy, who has been known in the past for his need to try and right wrongs when he saw them recently found his latest bizarre and unusual focus for his outrage, the Xfactor. We watch it certainly the audition stages religiously, mainly to watch the ones who are funny and don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting through, its good too to ‘guess’ which acts will make the live shows. There was an eclectic mix being auditioned this year, Fleur, Chloe Jasmine, Steph to name but a few. For Andy there was one outstanding voice, Kerrianne Covell, oh my this girl can sing, her audition was ‘different’ for she was portrayed as skiving off work and putting her job at Footlocker on the line. So impressed was Simon that he asked for Kerrianne’s phone to call her boss, he didn’t answer so he left a voice mail plea for her not to be fired but also suggesting she wouldn’t be needing the job much longer.

The arena auditions came along and Kerrianne made them, it got to the last day of auditions where the six seats were on stage for Judges houses had been filled for every category, the last category is Cheryl’s and she’s filled all six seats, she’s swapped some people out, there is one act to perform and it’s Kerrianne, no pressure there then! The lady knocked them dead, Mel B wiped away a tear, Scary Spice cried! Cheryl’s head was in her hand, the tension was clear but eventually common sense prevailed and Kerrianne was the sixth and final contestant for judge’s house auditions.

The Judge’s houses auditions were hitting the TV screen, Andy was confident this would be a ‘no brainer’, his jaw almost bounced off the floor as what he felt were lesser talents such as Chloe Jasmine and Steph were put through and Kerrianne wasn’t!! He was outraged beyond belief.

By a whacky coincidence Andy exchanged messages with Kerrianne on twitter, then with Kerrianne’s Mum,  a friendship of sorts was struck and a lot of things were shared that will always remain confidential, there was one particular issue though that Andy offered his services to resolve and did to the families satisfaction. Andy truly wanted to help with overcoming the injustice of the madness shown on Xfactor! Without going into detail Kerrianne’s Xfactor contract extends to well after the show ends and that meant she was as Andy put it ‘Commercially vulnerable’ and he became part of a small dedicated unpaid team supporting and offering advice to Kerrianne, as part of this he was handling booking enquiries (Still is, get in touch!).

If you’ve not seen Kerrianne watch these two 'you tube' clips, we’re sure she is going to be in the charts soon!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTAYfC6ILc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGD5Ymk2HxE

Unbeknown to me a couple of days before ‘Fakemass’ Andy drops on me that he’s secured a booking in the nearby town of Frodsham  in Cheshire and it was the Saturday of ‘Fakemass’! To say I was ANGRY would be an understatement!!! not at the time he was putting in to righting the Xfactor wrong ( he needs a project to keep his mind off the stress of our situation) but that as this in all likelihood would be my last Xmas, I wanted it special all family together… (it will take some real crawling on Andys part for forgiveness) and he was going to be collecting Kerrianne from Liverpool train station & accompanying Kerrianne to her gig. I’ll add now I like Kerrianne too, she is an amazing singer and a lovely young lady, she was in no way to blame for this (or even aware of this),  my beef on this was 100% with the ARSE that I married!

Well ‘Fakemass Eve’ was here and it was late on when I was mobbed by five of my grandchildren, Evan bless him I’m sure had he been old enough would have been leading the pack to grandma but he’s still sooo tiny, he’s only 9 months old! I love my grandma hugs, they’re all so special and stored in my memory banks. I fear losing my memory, I’ve had bouts where its happened temporarily, all short term stuff, but I fear long term memory loss, I fear a lot of things as you’d expect, my biggest fear with all of this is one day I’ll end up trapped in my own body, it’s my worst nightmare, to be able to see you all but not to be able to hold you, or to communicate with you all, to not be able to explain my pain and to no longer be able to tell those so close that I do love them. God I hate this creeping killer!

The kids are stunned by the size of grandma’s Xmas tree, the lights, the ornaments, after the grandchildren went to bed the presents were brought out of hiding and left under the tree by santa ;)

It’s FAKEMASS!!! I’m up our huge dining table is laid for breakfast, I’m cooking and still cursing Andy, to coin one of his expressions, he’s truly got my goat! (What the hell does that mean? We’ve got no goats hehe) The kids are busy opening presents, the TV is on in two rooms, it seems for the grandkids with TV watching it’s compulsory that you sit within two feet of the screen and the volume must be up in the 40’s (Adults amongst you try this and then head for your nearest audiologist to get your hearing fixed!) Seems parents become immune to it too, probably resigned to it after a few years of yelling “Turn that TVdown!” lol

 

Late morning and Andy announces he’s off to collect Kerrianne, he was bringing her here as a surprise for the kids and to meet all the family, Andy’s thinking is its not every day a TV star drops by! I’m still fuming (At Andy) but I’m busy preparing lunch, my memory isn’t perfect these days, I’m unsteady on my feet, I’m known to drop things without warning and I’m slower so I have to concentrate more.

Shortly after Andy is back with our lovely ‘guest’, the kids are stunned in to shy silence, earlier they’d been watching Kerrianne’s Xfactor auditions on the TV and now she was in front of them.  Kerrianne stayed and joined the family as they watched a family movie and she joined us for Fakemass lunch, it was fantastic to see my family all around the table enjoying lunch, the laughter and smiles, I’ll keep this memory in my head forever I hope.

Andy dropped Kerrianne at her hotel to rest for a couple of hours before he took her over to Frodsham, we hugged as she said goodbye & thanked me for her lunch. I’m still not Andy's friend right now but I’m enjoying my time with the kids and grandkids. It was an afternoon of playing games, watching TV, eating loads of sweets and being daft, I don’t want today to end…

Andy left early evening and took Kerrianne to Frodsham where she entertained an excited crowd. ‘The Arse’ was home around 9.30 and the kids were thankfully still up, my displeasure at him was evident still… Christmas is about family and he is part of our family….

Sunday was like Boxing Day, the kids were playing games, grandma was sorting out breakfast, I wanted more grandma cuddles before the kids go home after lunch. Eventually we waved the kids off, I cried openly as we walked back up our path. It’s hard not to think this is the last time I’ll ever see them, we are due to be in Grimsby for ‘real Xmas’ so it’s only four weeks to go! I head up to the sanctuary of the laundry room, yes my laundry room is on the top (3rd) floor of the house, unusual but it’s lovely for a laundry room hehe. Up here I can relive my memories but also cry unseen.

It was then a quiet run up to Xmas except we headed up to Vince & Denise’s for a few days, truly they and their offspring’s (and theirs) make us feel so special AND I got to see Snow! Couldn’t play Snow Angels but it was Snow, I love Snow.

It’s Xmas Eve, I went to Bolton with Andy and met a dear friend Nina who lives local, she was holding a mini get together for some friends and I was invited, I had a lovely day; mid-afternoon Nina’s husband drove me to Andy’s office, he was still working but came and got me, signed me in and took me up to meet his colleagues, some like Sylvian & Craig, I’ve known for years, many are new but it’s lovely to meet them all. I’m not sure if it was my arrival but not long after a message came through that the office was closing early, we got an early start to Grimsby. Val, one of my ex-husband George’s sisters has her own house but she often stays at her mums and she often kindly let us use her house when we were over but Andy had booked us into the Premier Inn earlier in the year as they had a deal on, £25 a night! A bargain!.

We checked in and unpacked, we went over to the adjacent pub/Restaurant and had a meal, I was tired we were seeing the kids tomorrow, lunch at Emma & Bob’s, Tea with Aaron & Vicky and of course the grandma huggers! I’m lying in bed thinking “I’ve made it, a second Xmas!” I truly never expected this to happen.

We woke Xmas morning, we wished each other a Merry Xmas, we hadn’t brought our presents over. Andy (Yes he’s Andy my frog prince again now, not that I’ve forgiven him yet, unfortunately for him my memory hasn’t faded that much yet hehe)

We got up, showered, dressed and wandered over to the restaurant for a leisurely breakfast. Towards the end of it I said to Andy, “I’ve got a headache” I indicated where it was, I’m always getting headaches but this one was different, more intense, like a nasty hangover, We walked back to the hotel it was 30 yards to our ground floor room. As we walked down the corridor I said to Andy, “I don’t feel right, I feel like I’m limping”, Andy was walking behind me and said I wasn’t bending my left knee.. I leaned against the wall, Andy held me and at the same time opened the room door. “Quick I need to sit down, I’m not right” Andy put me on the end of the bed, I said “My arm is going Andy, help me please, please help me” I was panicking, I knew what was coming. “Please sit next to me, I’m leaning over” I begged, Andy sat beside me I could feel him pushing and keeping me upright but holy hell was breaking out, I didn’t know what to do my body began to shake, my arm was ‘flipping’ it was going ballistic” by now Andy was dialling 999, he gave the operator all of my symptoms and details along with our location, he even added “tell the ambulance team we are in room 24”, we were told an ambulance had been despatched, my seizure continued, I was crying, wailing “Please make it stop Andy, please, my arm, please hold it”, I was beginning to feel worse, then my arm just stopped working, it was limp, I’d lost all use and feeling in it, the seizure continued. I said to Andy, “Andy, I’m going, I’m going” he was holding me and crying, “Please don’t, stay with me hunny, please don’t go”, I could only respond, “I can’t stop it, I’m going” (I’d forgotten to add the words ‘To pass out’! – I didn’t). At this Andy was dialling 999 again asking where the hell the ambulance was, to compound things the ambulance operator could not find our location on their database! Andy was going nuts (so I was told later I was still in seizure) the operator was apologising, “I’m sorry” she said, Andy known for his calmness but not in this instance replied “you will be! Get that ambulance here NOW!” My seizure was beginning to fade. By a miracle the door knocked, Andy leapt at the door and opened it, two paramedics and a very startled hotel receptionist were there, he rushed back to my side telling the emergency operator the team were here and hung up. The seizure had lasted around ten minutes, felt like three hours!

Andy has it memorised now he explains who I am, my age my condition my symptoms, and then stepped back as the team examined me, at this my left arm usage started to come back slowly. “We need to blue light you into Scunthorpe Hospital, they have a trauma unit, Grimsby won’t be able to deal with you” Andy said he’d follow on in the car, Scunthorpe is probably a 30 minute ‘normal drive’. Andy left me to the paramedics, he gathered my belongings and headed to the car, the Ambulance driver as he headed to his cab asked Andy if he knew where he was going, he just responded “I’ll find you, just go!”, the ambulance driver added “Don’t try to keep up with us” Andy said he knew the drill and would let them go.

The seizures are a frightening and also painful experience, they also leave me feeling 'drained',  so far when I've had them I've remained conscious throughout I am aware of what is happening to me at the time.

I was in safe hands, It turned out Andy used the journey and using his hands free kit to call Emma & Aaron, he tells me he was crying as he told them, at this stage we didn’t know how serious this was, 'we didn't know if this was it', we hadn’t encountered anything like this since my symptoms first presented themselves and then it was nothing in comparison to what I’d just encountered. It turned out the words “Andy I’m going” had truly shook him up, bless him, I know how I feel, but we often forget or don’t understand how our loved ones are coping or dealing with situations like this.

I feel blessed that on being admitted I was being handled by an amazing Doctor; Doctor Amir Waheed, he was outstanding. He was thorough and to the Staff Nurse’s amazement and despite her soft protests at the time was adamant I was to be looked after by one nurse throughout my time here, her! At one time after a scan she suggested I be moved to what they called the (adjacent) trolley ward, lol “If Julie goes into there you are going with her”.. She wasn’t impressed but he was adamant and had his way, we both moved to the trolley ward hehe.

On review I was moved up to an assessment unit, where I was checked out and saw two doctors, the more experienced had actually worked in Liverpool. His judgement was it was difficult to assess me as although they had a scan they had nothing to compare it to. He also felt as I’d stabilised and was showing no ill effects there were two options, 1) to keep me in overnight for observations or 2) to discharge me, I felt fine, It's Xmas Day & I don’t want to be in hospital so they wrote up my discharge notes. Andy spoke to the Doctor outside, he still wasn’t convinced me going ‘home’ (to the hotel) was for the best. He (The Doctor) kind of confirmed even if anything further happened here there wasn’t going to be much they could do for me, he suggested It was better to be near my existing medical teams. Andy told him we’ll travel back tomorrow then. The Doctor said that was a wise move.

Andy called the kids and updated them on our drive home, I was exhausted. Our plans had to change so Andy asked the ‘grown ups’ to bring all the little legs to see us at the hotel early the following morning to minimise me having to do anything. I slept heavily, the seizures are draining to say the least, I’m exhausted but I must summons up the energy to show enthusiasm for being with everyone, I’m still very frightened, I had a nice surprise unbeknown to me a friend, Tara, had been in contact with Andy and he’d arranged for her to drop by the hotel too, it was nice catching up with her and her daughter.

The kids came, lots of grandma hugs I wish I could be more enthusiastic and actually play with them but I’m exhausted physically and mentally…

We left early, we had to see mum and dad and Andy wanted me home for obvious reasons. Our visits were brief or cancelled, I suppose I should be grateful that at least I’ve made it through a second Xmas, seen the kids and had Daddy hugs but somehow I feel robbed. Hours later we were home but have the seizures travelled with us? I remain afraid as I close my eyes, my head on my pillow.