Reunited

 

I need to start this blog with my rambling, I was ‘accused’ by a ‘family member’ not that long ago that the posts “are all about you and your posts only ever show Julie’s current status and how f****ng fantastic you are”.. I know the comments were made out of frustration at the time but well there had to be some feeling of truth about them for it to come out like that. The blog was set up with the intention to tell predominantly Julie’s journey with Fluff and how ‘we’ handled the situations; it was never intended to be about me, personally until Julie’s death I’d vehemently dispute the comments and allegation and most of the feedback I’ve received about the blog is positive but since Julie’s death it’s more about her legacy and how losing her is impacting on me (and to a degree when I know about it, on others too). I’m not sure if you as in those still reading the blog have any interest in how I/we cope after losing a loved one, clearly the last and this blog will focus on my coping mechanism of getting behind the Clatterbridge Campaign as a legacy for Julie, her children and ‘our’ grandchildren. I could end the blog today with the line ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ but that’s not so and I can’t consider the blog as truly put to bed until probably the closing act of fulfilling Julie’s wishes in terms of her ashes being scattered, to me this will be the end of ‘Fluff’s journey’, in terms of time scales that cannot happen until late April. I don’t want to keep writing blogs people consider boring or no longer ‘on topic’  so my thoughts are to run probably two or three more blog editions this month and then ‘park it’ until April, I don’t know I don’t want to devalue the blog and what it has achieved with almost 66,000 reads, in the absence of direct feedback (which I’d welcome either via here, via FaceBook (Andy Shute), or Twitter @rover600 or via email andrewshute@msn.com) I’m going to make a judgement call based on the blog readership data in other words I’ll only keep it going if there is continued interest in ‘our journey’ even though that journey is now slanted towards ‘me’, I’ve never wanted this to be ‘about me and how F****ng fantastic I am [not]….)

So, back to ‘The Blog’

I arrived home after the Clatterbridge ball, still euphoric from what we’d just achieved, by the way it wasn't all tears, some good and newly made friends helped make the evening a real laugh in the end...

 I’d normally head straight to bed but I sat in the dining room in ‘Julie’s recliner’ clutching one of the framed pictures of her I’ve had done for an event on Sunday. I sat there feet up hugging her picture and 'talking to her' explaining what she had just achieved, I reclined the back of the chair too, turned on my side and thanks to the evening’s alcohol my tear filled eyes slowly closed & I dozed off clutching the picture, I woke around four so cold and headed to my bed.

This is the first weekend I’ve spent at home since Julie died, I’m doing everything I can not to be here in the house but Sunday (tomorrow) I’ve arranged a local thank you event for friends and Julie’s carers who couldn’t make the funeral, I chose The Pollard’s Inn for a) Julie loved it here, we spent New Year’s Eve here, we even stayed the night so forever it will be in my fondest memories ‘box’, b) this was where Julie first met Nicki & Debbie at a Clatterbridge fundraiser that Louise coaxed her along to where they were entertained by comedienne Pauline Daniels, she was so happy when she got home later that day, Pollard’s are big supporters of CCC. The final decider to hold it here is their food is exceptional and the ambience is great.

I arrived early to put Julie’s pictures on the tables; I’m thrilled that some of Julie’s Nurses from hospitals and from the District Nurse team came including Jayne our MacMillan  Nurse who came straight off shift. Karen part of the amazing carers team came, as these jobs all entail 24/7 working shift patterns there were always going to be people who couldn’t make it but I’m grateful for those that did so that I could express my personal thanks. Friends and some of my work colleagues came too, others that we’d met on this incredible journey too such as Merseyside Woman of The Year Angela Samata, I’d sought advice off Angela at one point and she was extremely supportive and most helpful. I’m not sure if I previously mentioned this but one morning when I’d had a Marie Curie Nurse sitting with Julie overnight as I entered the room ‘Dot’ told me Julie had mentioned during the night that she wanted to speak with a counsellor, I said I’d arrange it, I didn’t ask what she wanted to discuss, my reaction was she must have something to say or need help with that she feels I can’t support her with or she can’t talk to me about, it’s not my right to ask or to feel offended or hurt about, these were Julie’s last few weeks. Later that day I called the charity team at Clatterbridge and sought their advice for I know they support cancer patients and their families with counselling sessions sadly however and I’ve asked little of the team that we and I continue to support but I’d make this impassioned plea to you gang.. Your counselling services are apparently ‘in house’ only, Julie was housebound and as a result you ‘couldn’t help her’.. I can’t believe Julie is the only patient that has ever needed support yet couldn’t access it due to a lack of mobility. Equally I can’t see there being hundreds to accommodate regularly either…Can you not look to ‘support by exception?’

Anyway, I tried CCC, I tried our GP but was being quoted a six week wait, I didn’t think Julie had six weeks, (Sadly I was right) so I looked at private counselling groups, to be honest even for me who never gives up  this was a painful experience and it seems reams of paperwork needed filling in and they needed to do a telephone consultation with Julie first to evaluate her…. In the end I turned to Angela, although her speciality is involvement in supporting bereaved families where a loved one has taken their own life and Julie is very much alive and definitely not wanting to die but I spoke to Angela in the hope she could point me in the right direction of a suitable counsellor. Angela asked me did Julie need counselling or did she just want to get something off her chest, to tell a stranger something that she couldn’t share with me or family. I was clueless but my gut feel was this was more of a ‘private’ confessional moment than her needing counselling. Angela said if it was her needing to get something off her chest to share with a ‘stranger’ that she’d probably never see again that as she lived close by she’d gladly meet with Julie privately. I said I’d ask which Julie wanted then I’d get back to Angela. This next piece is both sad but funny too. That night when I got home I had the following conversation with Julie.

Me: Hunny, you know you mentioned to Dot the other morning that you wanted to see a counsellor?

Julie: Yes.

Me: Well I’ve tried to find a counsellor and I’m struggling BUT, do you remember Angela Samata?

Julie: Of course I do.

Me: Well after trying everyone I turned to Angela and asked if she could recommend anyone to see you, she asked did you feel you needed counselling or, is it you just want to chat privately with someone to tell them something which you don’t want to share with family? I’m quite ok if it’s that so please don’t worry, Angela said she’ll happily pop around and chat with you and you can tell her whatever it is and it will stay between you both. So what do you think hunny?

Julie: I don’t know, I can’t remember what I wanted to tell them…

I smiled inwardly at this bless her, Fluff was hitting her short term memory a little and she’d forgotten. I went on to tell her it was fine and if she remembered I’d let Angela know and we’d arrange a meeting..

 To this day I’ve no idea what she wanted to get off her chest but I’m grateful that when I felt like I was hitting brick walls that Angela was there to help. So, back to the gathering, amazing coincidences, a dear friend I see so little of (down to me not him) Paul Salt who now works for BBC Radio Merseyside (Some of you locally will know him as Salty) came along with his lovely wife Lindsay and their children, it turns out Salty had interviewed Angela on the radio. Small world, Lots of friends and neighbours came and I was delighted to see Eve, Viv & Ralf come along too, Eve & Viv caught up with friends who came to Eve’s coffee morning, Julie’s special friend and former work colleague ‘Wally’ as she called June, (Clueless to why), It was only a small gathering of around 40 people. I need to throw in a special mention for a special lady who by allowing me a weekly waffle and sometimes giving me a different perspective helped me through Julie’s illness especially the last few months, I’ve not whined about my health during Julie’s illness and there has been nothing seriously wrong with me but for over 15 months I had a leg wound caused by catching the edge of a suitcase on the edge of my calf, not painful but would it heal? Would it ‘eckers like’ as we say up north.. I was having to have it dressed periodically, I ended up with MRSA in the wound probably from when Julie had it I’ve had that many infections in it I think I had getting on for 10 lots of Antibiotics in under six months. I’m pleased to say that it’s 99.9% healed now but Bernie my then GP Practice Nurse was dressing it for me almost weekly, our chats as she dressed the wound helped me through very difficult times, so a big thank you. Well the food went down a storm but yet again I spoke to everyone but then again no one, and again I had no food. It’s a weird experience indeed and where does the time go? …

Again I got home clutching all of my framed photos, I’m drained and I think for the first time since Julie ‘left me’ I ventured into our lounge and sat down, my life for the last 39 days has revolved around dining room, two bedrooms, laundry room & shower so five rooms out of the seventeen in the house and people ask “Why do you want to move?”…….

This coming week it was going to be a tough one, Thursday is Emma’s birthday, her first without Mum, It’s tough on the children as well as on me, Julie’s death is hitting and hurting everyone close to her, there was a special bond with Emma and her mum, Thursday I know her celebrations will be tinged with so much sadness this year.. I wish I was there with her but I know it wouldn’t help for it’s Julie Emma wants not me….. We’ve got a year of every birthday, anniversary or special occasion being ‘the first without Mum/Julie’ it’s not going to be easy especially as Christmas beckons.

I had a trip to the Isle of Man to look forwards to though.

I can’t recall if I mentioned it but a dear friend on the Island Sharon asked me if she and a restaurant owning friend ‘Ben’ could hold a coffee and cake morning in Julie’s memory and all proceeds to go to Clatterbridge, I was flattered Sharon wanted to do this, Sharon is a dear friend that I knew before Julie and I actually unwittingly brought Sharon and her Husband Richard together by introducing them to each other at a party I hosted. Anyway back to the Coffee and Cake event, The Isle of Man is very reliant on Clatterbridge for Cancer treatment; it’s such a small Island that a lot of specialist medical treatments are handled by the nearest mainland Hospitals and for Cancer that is Clatterbridge so it’s close to a lot of people’s hearts on the island too.

On Friday evening I jumped a taxi across to the Seacat terminal in Liverpool, we’re spoilt being a port city, I live not five minutes from the Belfast bound Ferry Terminal too. A couple of hours later I’m on the Island being hugged by Sharon, Sharon had driven over from the Island for Julie’s funeral, we’d been regular visitors including for Sharon & Richard’s wedding and for the Christening of Aalish, who I’m proud to have as my god child.

Saturday morning and we headed to ‘Leonardo’s’ in Castletown, it’s a beautiful venue well decorated and looking at the main menu, clearly at the mid-top end range of the entertaining market. The array of homemade cakes was outstanding and the coffee flowed, I hadn’t counted but there must have been at least forty people here, in total on the day thanks to Owner Ben subsidising the event and the islander’s generosity & Sharon’s children’s ability to extract raffle ticket money out of everyone I came home with a cheque for £607 for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity, what an

amazing sum just for getting together for coffee and cake in a fantastic restaurant. So in effect another chair purchased plus a chair leg….  At this point I’ll throw in another huge thank you for a rather special but in some ways a modest young lady who I’ve met several times before when over with Julie, Leanne, who works for Sharon & Richard put in some tremendous work behind the scenes in pulling all of this together, I’m extremely grateful to her, so much so I’ve decided to make a trip back over soon so that I can take Leanne out for dinner with Richard & Sharon, I’ve had the year from hell but when I recently heard what this young lady has gone through, in comparison I’ve had it easy… It’s so easy to think life is all about us but the age old adage of no matter how bad things are for us there are others worse off than ourselves that’s not said in this instance with sympathy but recognition of events and the fights others have to endure too….

The following weekend, its Halloween weekend and I’ve made arrangements to be in Grimsby for the weekend for on the Monday I’ve made an appointment with the Funeral Directors to collect Julie’s ashes. This was to turn into the most bizarre of weekends in many aspects and truly played with my emotions.

Friday night I dashed over for there was a fireworks display in Cleethorpes pleasure island theme park. I knew Emma Bob and the grandchildren were there so messaged Emma to say I’d arrived at the park, the sky was being lit up with fireworks, there was a nominal fee to pay to get in and sod’s law was I’d just pressed my debit card pin number into the machine and the last firework of the night went up! I was soon greeted in the sea of people by Emma, Ollipop, Jenny, Bob’s sister and Olli’s partner in crime Adele, Adele you might recall went home with a teddy from ‘Shute Manor’ when Grandma gave the girls their Stieff bears. I love the involvement with the children and grandchildren, Olli puts a spring in my step and even though I carried her (at her request) on my shoulders for most of the next 90 minutes it was an absolute pleasure, we fought our way through the crowds to meet up with Abbie, Chloe and Bob. It’s lovely being here but the sadness is Grandma isn’t with us…… As I sad above we’ve got at least a year of this…

Later on I was invited along to Emma’s Uncle & Aunt’s, Dave & Lynn’s  for their Halloween party, it’s the first time I’ve seen the family collectively since Julie’s funeral, the Bartlett’s have always been warmly welcoming of me and today was no exception, the hugs are all the more ‘sincere’ today.

Saturday I visited Julie’s Dad, I so feel for Bob, he shares the same sentiment for me but no parent should have to lose a child especially the only daughter and Bob doted on her.

I spent time with Aaron, Vicky, Abbey, Millie and Evan , and saw Emma, Bob, Abbie, Chloe & Olivia again, all of the families although pleased to see me are subdued. Sunday evening I had dinner with Tara & Pete in a lovely restaurant just out of town. We had a great time, given that Tara I only met on Xmas day last year and Pete in July we have forged an amazing friendship. I left them around 8.30 and headed back to my hotel for the most surreal of evenings.

The Confusing simple things in life...

As I got back into the hotel like a lot of hotels Sunday nights are quiet, in the bar were two very pretty young smartly dressed ladies chatting away, I noticed each had their own bottle of wine, I parked myself on a nearby bar stool ordered a whisky and water and sat trawling through face book etc, another guy appeared, ordered a bottle of beer and he was there less than ten minutes before he’d gone. It was difficult to avoid over hearing the conversation the ladies were having, of all topics it was long term illness and death, not particularly what I wanted to listen to given the rawness of my own situation. One of them mentioned she hadn’t realised how ill her grandmother had been when she realised she needed her nails tidying and painting and arranged it but sadly she passed away before a beautician got to do them, this hit a chord with me for Julie had her nails done a couple of times whilst poorly at home, in fact three times but knowing how much of a difference this made to Julie and knowing this young lady’s grandmother had missed out tears trickled down my face, thankfully I wasn’t looking in their direction and yes I managed to compose myself. Shortly after one of the pair disappeared to the loo, the other I glanced at and laughed at as she was trying to pour her wine back into her bottle, “No chance" I laughed, she giggled and explained she was struggling to keep up with her friend so thought she’d try a smoke and mirrors trick. “too late” I said “here’s your mate” she was 'busted', we both laughed as her mate ribbed her, she explained she couldn’t cope with the volume but “I could manage an amaretto” so her friend comes to the bar and stands next to me, she was pretty from a distance and close up she was beautiful. She smiled I said Hi, she replied then ordered an Ameretto, the barman replied “I’m sorry I can’t serve you, it’s past 11pm”, she was obviously disappointed, not one to miss a trick I said to the bar man, “you’re still serving residents though?” The answer was yes, “Well give the lady an Ameretto and charge it to my room” Well I got the smile of all smiles followed by an offer to pay for the drink which I declined and then I was invited to join them both, initially I declined explaining their conversation was a bit ‘raw for me’ Asked why I explained I’d lost Julie early in September, at that I got ‘that pitiful look’ that I’ve seen many times but it was followed by a hug and an apology, the hug lingered and I just said “Please don’t feel sorry for me”, (The last thing I want is pity or sorrow) her friend stood up and came over and the next thing I’m on the receiving end of another hug. With promise to change the topic I was ‘dragged’ to join them, alright I ran the six feet  haha.

So the conversation changed and the lady sitting opposite me was quite chatty, her friend sat  adjacent to us both was suddenly holding my hand, it wasn’t just holding my hand though if that sounds daft? I looked at her then my hand then back to her eyes and asked “are you ok?” she answered “Yes thanks, I’m fine, are you?” I looked back at our hands then back into her eyes “I’m fine too thanks”, “that’s alright then came the reply”. I looked at her friend and asked “Are you ok with this?”, her friend answered “It’s fine by me, she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”.. We carried on talking and our hands and fingers remained intertwined, firstly I’m hardly god’s gift, secondly she was (at this point) definitely still sober and no she wasn’t blind, I’m way ahead of you lot! This was confusing for in no way was I looking for this (whatever this is). Her friend got up to visit the loo and my new found friend ‘from nowhere leaned forward and softly kissed me’ followed by a softer hug than the last time, there was no passion in the kiss, but there was romance, I suspect the ladies reading this will have more of a clue as to what I mean than the men.. Her perfume hit my senses, this woman was special, these moments were special and suddenly I realised what I’d missed so much in the last two plus years. Something weird was happening here, as we spoke she softly touched my protruding out of the top of my shirt chest hair, along with her comments it was safe to say this was some moment.  We kissed again and at that her friend re-appeared, our hands still remained softly locked. I asked her friend again if she was ok with this. I got the same answer as the last time. Next she asked for my telephone number and insisted I text her a message so she had mine, like I wasn’t going to text this beautiful woman. Going through my head though was a mixture of emotions; including have I struck gold a second time in Grimsby? I was also conscious of my reasons for being here tonight, or rather tomorrow, was I being disrespectful? I didn’t even start this.. I’m confused but I’ve so missed this degree of gentle tenderness and romance. I don’t think anyone until they have experienced the long term care of someone they love deteriorating by the day will understand this, various people have shared views with me on moving on with my life and this was something I never envisaged. As we talked further children were mentioned then a husband, at this point although the hands were still held I was being cautious now, I’m not a marriage wrecker and by this time the lady’s wine bottle was almost empty, I suggested it was home time for both of them, her friend to a degree was playing gooseberry now, her friend arranged for a cab and my interlocked fingers friend was asking if we could meet for lunch (given it was 02.00) ‘today’. I laughed for the wine was clearly in her system now, I joked, “You won’t even remember my name in the morning let alone meeting for lunch but she was adamant she wanted to meet, I knew lunch would leave me late home so I suggested coffee instead back at the hotel at 11, I needed to understand the ‘My husband’ thing, she wasn’t giving the impression that she was madly in love, I needed to understand ‘where she was’ as in is the marriage dead and she’s looking to move on or, is she still happily married. Even with a drink inside me and I’d only had two whisky’s I knew I had to be a gentleman here and I had to tread carefully tomorrow. I’m not breaking anyone’s relationship up  and I’m very fragile myself right now but this weirdly  felt so right. As the taxi arrived we hugged,  I got “See you tomorrow” I just laughed and said “We’ll see, I’ll be here” She was still telling me she would be too as she headed out of the door with her friend.

I went to my hotel bed with a smile, the first I’ve truly had on my face in a long time, I lay there going through the evening again, this had at the very least made me realise how much I need female company someone to be close to, to hold hands with,  the other nagging doubt was she was only 33, I’m old enough to be her father… I went to sleep wondering how this would play out tomorrow, I’m still convinced she won’t show, by the way  yes I do have the lady’s’ names but I’m withholding them for I hope obvious reasons.

The rules of grieving..

I’m only including this 'Mills & Boon' for there are no rules about coping with death and grief or on when to move on or how, long gone are the days of mourning for six months and wearing black constantly.  I’ve floated the subject of moving on, on my facebook wall and the consensus is it will happen when it will happen, I know that Julie didn’t want me to be alone and the majority seem to think it has nothing to do with anyone else how I live my life but rightly or wrongly I'm very conscious of others views. I’m sure I would feel entirely  differently today had Julie been fit and well and had just had an unexpected heart attack and had died instantly , that must carry so much of a weight and anguish, but knowing Julie was dying for two plus years, seeing her suffer with her many seizures and three operations and all the recovery time then to be told we had reached the end of the line and the devoted and yes, I was totally devoted to Julie &  Julie’s care regime to the point of mental and physical exhaustion some days (in fact many days over the 800 days of illness) I now feel I need to not waste precious time & live, I’m not sure who has the right to judge me on this not even myself and I constantly am as you'll gather, sadly it could be you one day, it could be you…

The next morning I was up, had breakfast then set off for the Funeral Directors, I hadn’t forgotten last night but I had to be focussed on Julie again now, I felt slightly uncomfortable with myself, I’m caught between the rock and a hard place, I know Julie wants me to move on, last night’s meeting almost didn’t happen, a fluke incident sent the women to the hotel, was this ‘lady fate’ playing her hand, would this mysterious woman actually show today?

Sobbing...

I headed to the Funeral Directors where I met one of the team, they had just brought Julie’s ashes over from Cleethorpes, she was not resting in Grimsby! I’d previously chosen a colourful landscaped scene tube for Julie’s ashes as opposed to the traditional wooden boxes. The tube was placed into a heavy duty card plain purple good quality gift style carrier bag. I was also given a certificate in case we wanted to inter Julie’s ashes, nope that's not happening,  she would be scattered in the lake district per her wishes.

As I got to my car, I held the bag/tube and sobbed, “I’m taking you home hunny!” I sobbed for five minutes or more, this was such an emotional ‘reunion’, I told her how much I was missing her, I asked why she had to leave me not for the first time, I know of course it wasn’t Julie’s fault that she was stolen from me, from us… As I gathered my composure I hadn’t considered how I transported the ashes safely home, Julie was NOT travelling in the boot of the car. I opted for the passenger seat with the seatbelt fitted snugly. How stupid is this? Reason goes out of the window in times of grief that I do know. I looked at the time, it was 10.30, I supposedly had a coffee ‘date’ at eleven but now I’m feeling slightly bad, almost like I’m betraying Julie, I’ve got her with me and I’m meeting ‘another woman’, I am truly confused right now however, If I make a commitment I keep it, even if I met the lady to just say last night was lovely but.. I truly didn’t know what the meeting IF it happened would entail or how it would pan out.

I got back to the hotel and parked outside the front doors, I left ‘julie’ in the car, there was no way I could meet anyone with this gift bag with me….. I settled down with a coffee and as eleven came, my hand holding young lady’s friend came in, she had business at the hotel today, we smiled and I laughed, as she approached I said “I take it … Isn’t coming then, I knew she wouldn’t” She smiled and explained she had spoken with her friend but a) she’d got into trouble with her husband for getting home late and b) she was suffering the after effects of the bottle of wine. “thank you for being so understanding and such a gentleman with … last night” I told her she has a very special friend but I was concerned as to how happy her marriage was before I could consider progressing things and that was why I had agreed to coffee.  I smiled; maybe this was for the best for many reasons I explained and thanked her for a great evening and told her to thank her friend too.

I slowly drank my coffee as I read the news on my ipad, about half an hour later a text appeared on my phone from the absent young lady apologising for missing coffee ……. I thanked her for a lovely night and wished her well and told her to message me if she wanted to but I couldn’t chase her in the knowledge that she was married, it was time Julie & I headed home…  Some things are meant to be and some aren’t but I kind of feel I know how prince charming felt when he found Cinderella’s glass slipper.. The difference here was in this day and age it’s not hard to find someone if you really want to, I know where the lady lives but I’m no stalker or mad possessed individual, I enjoyed a moment and given her marital status its best that it stays that way….

I drove home, talking all the way 'to Julie' like a mad man, I was updating her on everything including Tenerife, I discussed her friend’s strange behaviour towards me, I talked a lot…..

On getting home there is only one place for Julie now and that’s in our bedroom, I placed Winston on top of the 'Gift bag' and tube, he was/is guarding her again now, they’re reunited. It’s bizarre how we think or rather how I think.  Julie was afraid of the dark when alone, it goes back to her days at home and her young brothers playing her up and locking her in the dark, her fear lasted a lifetime so now unless I’m in the room with her, the light stays on, whether I'm home or not stupid uh?

Julie’s ashes are going to be staying with me until April, whilst I wanted to grant her final wish as soon as possible the children couldn’t make any time this side of Christmas and given the potential for snow and so they can save up for their travel, we collectively agreed the weekend of April 22^nd. The weather should be better and we can lay her properly to rest then.

Some special thank you's

To Angela & Bernie.

To Leanne, Richard, Sharon & Ben on The Isle of Man - To all of those who came to support Clatterbridge Cancer Charity.

To Julie's former in laws

To a Special lady in a hotel bar..

To Winston...

To a woman I'll never forget no matter how or when  I move on..

Always her Daddy's Girl....

 

In Julie's Name, Building a Clatterbridge Legacy

Well I arrived back from Tenerife in the early hours of the morning, later in the day as I always do I glanced through Facebook and Twitter, how our lives have changed thanks to the internet, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I picked up Julie’s iPad and her iPhone, I can see there are messages on the phone, I don’t feel I have the right to listen to them despite Julie leaving ‘all of her worldly goods to me’. If people have left messages for Julie after her death, then they’re clearly not for me. I later read how Emma had seen a new shop and thought Mum would love it and she wanted to call her to tell her about it but then broke down realising she couldn’t, as I said before I have no monopoly on grief Julie’s departure was impacting on a lot of people still and it will for some time. It would be easy for me to cancel Julie’s ‘non-contracted sim card’ and save a few pence but on seeing Emma’s message I messaged that she could call and leave mum a message anytime safely knowing the phone is still live and with my assurance that I won’t listen to the messages, will it help Emma or anyone else who wants to leave a message? I don’t know but I do hope so.

I’d settled down for a coffee, remember from the last blog that I discovered in Tenerife that a certain person who purported to be one of if not Julie’s best friend and who had blocked me on social media? As I drank my coffee I reflected on this, I know Julie’s view would be “any person who can treat Andy like this at this time truly isn’t the friend I thought they were”. Well suddenly it was payback time, I have Julie’s Facebook account under my control now and I scrolled down her friends list, I found the ‘so called friend’ and clicked on the ‘blocked button’… Did I feel better for it? No, but I had to make my point, this matter is now closed from my perspective.

I headed up to Clatterbridge.

You’ll recall too in the last blog that I mentioned the Clatterbridge Cancer Charity Appeal video. On the Monday I returned from Tenerife, rested I drove up to Clatterbridge to hand over the sealed collection box from the funeral, the just giving page in Julie’s memory was over a thousand pounds at this point (today it stands at £2,040) I’d find out later how much we raised at the funeral. I saw dear friends including Karen who had asked me if I'd do the Charity Ball appeal video. As we chatted another team member walked past and said “Hi” I responded likewise, she turned on her heels as I’m thinking “how do you know me?”,  “I’ve just watched you on the TV, she went on to say, 'Marie' introduced herself , “You’re probably going to need one of us to take you out to the bar when the video plays at the ball, it’s very raw & emotional”, lol like I didn’t know that  having featured in it… “I’ll be fine I explained” she wasn’t convinced. Not that I ever consider myself a ‘star’ but as Karen, Chris and I chatted about the video and me getting to preview it Karen lol brought me down to earth with a bump “The real star of that video is the house itself” she giggled. Cheeky sod, but I knew what she meant; the house has some beautiful qualities and reflects Julie’s amazing taste, she and Karen were so in sync.



Julie & Andy's Story shown at the Ball
 Photos reproduced with kind permission of Adam Johns Photography
Appeal Video by Owen Cotterell & Mocha TV

 

The appeal was to raise vital funding for 130 reclining chairs so loved ones could be closer together at hospital bedsides in the under construction new Clatterbridge Hospital being built in Liverpool City Centre, this is an extra site not a replacement. I asked Chris how much the chairs would cost and she confirmed on the night of the ball they were aiming to raise £500 per table for each chair, I told her we as a family would buy the first three chairs, Maureen, Mother.. had kindly and generously told me she would be donating £1,000,I would donate £500 on behalf of myself, Emma & Aaron, only 127 chairs to go…  Karen said “Can you imagine the response if we announce this at the ball?”

Later that day I watched the video, around five hours of filming and setting up had been expertly edited down by Owen and his team at Mocha TV to create a touching but powerfully heart wrenching 3.27 minute appeal, I sobbed as I watched it but felt so proud of it, this had to hit home, this had to raise money for the cause that Julie and I are forever grateful to. I watched it probably 30 times before the ball and I sobbed each time.

I returned to work the next day, I have to confess I cannot settle back in, my mind is full of Julie, the house seems so empty, I’ve developed a hatred for it, it no longer feels like home, it's become just a house now, it’s so empty and I feel its soul left with Julie, I lived here for over a year on my own before I met Julie though in those days my work meant I spent at least four nights a week in hotels so it wasn’t so hard, now it’s heart-breaking to go through the door,  I sob every time I enter it now, I’m avoiding the house the best I can, I stay at my office until late, I’ve even sat outside the house for almost an hour not wanting to go in, there are things that need doing but I’ve no desire or spirit to do them, I’m quite a strong character or rather, I thought I was, right now I can go from OK to sobbing in seconds, I even broke down in front of my boss at work, it’s a struggle and I’m still trying to work out if I am going to need bereavement counselling.

By deliberately staying out of the house until gone 9pm I limit my time awake in the house, I pick up my post that my fast becoming a ‘rock’ in terms of support, my neighbour Corrinna has put on the side for me, most post is for me but the odd letter is for Julie, nothing official mainly junk that I re-post back to the companies by marking as ‘deceased’, god what a horrible expression that seems. So post read, I head straight upstairs and to the laundry room, then to the shower then to bed, the next morning I’m up at six and leaving home by seven and the routine, hamster wheel like continues, it’s ground hog day… I so hate my life and the house right now, the saving grace is Winston, he rests on Julie’s pillow..

The night of the ball and I’d bought a table for ten, I invited dear friends, I invited Hannah & Chris, I invited Rebecca & Mike, dear friends who I’ve never spent enough time with but who were kind enough to take Hannah to Julie’s funeral so I’d reunite them too. You’ll remember ‘Bernie Bucket’, winner of the Woman of Philanthropy award at the Merseyside Woman of the year Awards where Julie was her runner up, Bernie has despite fighting her own amazing battle with cancer and family tragedy fights on and fundraises for several charities including Clatterbridge, the amazing woman has raised over £160,000 for charity, it puts to shame the sum we as friends of Julie have pulled together so far despite it being an incredible effort by us all. Bernie wanted to be at the ball but it was a sell out so on hearing this I invited her to join me on my table. I’d invited a couple, Nicki & her husband; by a chance charity lunch meeting with Julie, Nicki’s kindness shone through, it’s crazy for even today we’ve never met but we chat in social media a lot and I’m so proud to know her, her kindness during Julie’s illness I’ll never forget, so this was a chance for us to meet, Nicki is a huge supporter of Clatterbridge too, I think often ‘under sung’.. I’d invited friends Pete & Tara and that made up the ten of us. Ha, as the clock ticked down towards the event Nicky asked me did I have any spare seats on my table as she had a dear friend & her husband who wanted to come too, by a bizarre coincidence shortly after Pete & Tara had to pull out so I extended the invitation to fill the two seats to Nicki for her friends, Debbie & her husband Mick. The ball is just two days away and Nicki’s daughter is very and worryingly ill in hospital and undiagnosed, it was a worrying time and rightly but unfortunately Nicky had to pull out of the ball, thankfully Debbie’s brother  Brian and his wife Cathy stepped in and the table was finally full.

The night of the ball, a posh black tie affair at the plush Titanic Hotel in Liverpool approached. As I got ready, as I looked in the mirror at me all suited up I couldn’t help but ask “Why aren’t you here with me lady?” I’ve not attended a function in years without proudly having Julie on my arm looking stunning, her having her amazing head turning dresses on, tonight I’d be alone even though with friends, this wasn’t going to be an easy night for me.

Bernie & I share a joke, Hannah looking on

I arrived with Chris & Hannah and we were soon joined by Bernie, The Clatterbridge ladies were saying hi, all these women looked stunning, Chris and I looking like boring bookends in our Dinner Suits. Chris who had commissioned the video came over, she smiled and hugged me, introduced me to the official photographer who suddenly wanted pictures of me, I’m normally behind the camera not in front of it. My guests want to know what’s occurring, I’m not letting on..

If there is an upside to my life since Julie left me it’s that I’ve been hugged and kissed by so many women, many of them stunning since I’ve lost Julie, people are so kind but I’d give up every single kiss & hug to have Julie back..

Chris asked me to accompany her into the main function room to meet our compere for the night, Paul Crone, Paul works for ITN’s Granada Reports. All the way in Chris was kindly checking that I was ok, she introduced me to Paul, he welcomed me warmly, he’d seen the video and was stunned by my ability to have pulled and held it together, he’d not have thought that had he been there for the filming…  He explained the video would show and he’d then call me up so I could show off the rolled up giant cheque for ‘our three’ chairs and for a quick chat before the appeal began. I found our table then wandered back out to my guests, the room was stunning, tonight was going to be special.

Not long after and myself and my guests, along with everyone else were called in to take our seats. I finally got to meet Debbie & Mick also Cathy and husband Brian, everyone was intrigued by my rolled up large piece of paper but I’m not telling, next the official photographer is back and wants some posed pictures of me and asked would I like pictures taken with any of my guests, more questions as to "What's going on Andy?" I invited Chris and Hannah over for a picture opportunity, this young lady is stunning, don’t take my word for it, judge for yourself…

Chris, Hannah & me
Picture by Adam Johns Photography

Dinner was divine, we were fast approaching the fundraising part of the evening, firstly though Chris brought over an amazing young lady to meet me, Becky. Becky had been treated for cancer at Clatterbridge, she was to present her story just before my video played, she asked to meet me, the honour and privilege was all mine, this is one special lady. Becky was so nervous but determined to do her part, for any of you reading this that hasn't done it , to stand up in front of a room full of strangers for a first time is daunting unless you do it for a living.

Now it was time for the charity auction, Clatterbridge Patron Actor Daniel Craig had donated a signed leather Jacket that he had worn in the soon to be released Bond movie ‘Spectre’, he also donated separately two tickets to the forthcoming movie premiere. There was a French Chateau holiday, one of Wayne Rooney’s boots signed and the promise of a personalised message, numerous pieces of Liverpool FC memorabilia; the list was endless and bidding/competition was fierce, the Bond premiere tickets I think went for around £7,000! The generosity in the room was incredible; there were some wealthy people and organisations in the room I thought to myself and the Sales Manager/Negotiator in me recognised not everyone who had raised a bid had won a prize, I want their money, Clatterbridge need their money…

Auction over and I lost count of the sum raised so far but it must have topped fifty

My amazing new friend Becky - Cancer knows no age boundaries

to sixty thousand pounds! Paul introduced Becky to the stage, what an amazing lady, she was clearly emotionally charged but what an amazing job she’s done, the applause was almost deafening, then the screen lit up, there was the intro into our section, Debbie must have heard me gulp as the video rolled and she reassuringly put her hand on my knee, how do women have the ability to be so perceptive? Gradually the noise of the applause for Becky faded and the odd voice faded as people listened to ‘our story’, this was emotional but I managed to hold my composure, as the film clip appeal ended you could hear

a pin drop, the jovial party atmosphere had gone ‘flat’. Our compere Paul confirmed I was in the room and invited me up, I’ve never experienced a standing ovation before and I didn’t really warrant this one in my eyes as I made my way through the tables. I reached Paul and he expressed his awe in terms of ‘how on earth did you do that’? As he put the microphone in front of me I felt I had to apologise for ‘ruining everyone’s evening’, I could hear people crying.. I explained my piece of paper, that we as a family (Maureen, Emma, Aaron & myself)  are kicking off the appeal by buying the first three chairs,

I went on to explain 'we' needed money for 130 reclining chairs and that the room was full of generous people, I highlighted a lot had missed out on auction prizes and well my piece de resistance was to say “There are clearly a lot of people in the room tonight well above my pay grade and wealth and we as a family are buying three chairs, please help us help others, these chairs are invaluable”! Someone asked how much are the chairs? £500 was the reply, before the night started I asked Chris what was her target number for tonight, “Twelve chairs” so £6,000 plus our three so £7,500.

I had no idea what was to come, Paul Crone from nowhere came up with the idea of and announced “Tell you what, if you’d like to buy a chair do so on the strength of a handshake, come up and shake Andy’s hand as a commitment to buy a chair”. Where the hell did that come from? was going through my mind, it then seemed like thirty long embarrassing seconds where nothing happened, in reality it was probably nearer five before the first person approached me from my left, I thought we had

 

 

 

collectively ‘blown it’, the gentleman shook my hand and said “Andy, I’ll buy a chair” I thanked him so much, as I turned back to look ahead there were two queues of people wanting to shake my hand, to buy a chair! The generosity was amazing and the emotion was surreal, grown men and women crying as they approached me and shook my hand, I’ve never been so humbled in my life, Paul the compere was counting out

loud, we reached Sixty Handshakes and by definition Sixty chairs in under ten minutes, this was truly, truly, humbling, Becky’s story, The video of Julie & I had achieved beyond everyone’s wildest expectations, I went back to my table in a daze, Julie’s legacy lives on in a staggering way, my guests were so kind in their praise, basically ‘we’ had just raised over £30,000 in under ten minutes! Even as I type this I’m in awe, towards the end of the evening Chris confirmed some others had donated and some bought two chairs, we hit sixty five chairs so £32,500 plus our three taking it to £34,000!!  Later that night The Chairwoman & CEO of Clatterbridge NHS Trust came over and thanked me adding that historically that one of the board normally made the appeal but “We’ve never seen so much money raised so quickly, we said as we watched the video and saw the handshakes that never again will the board front the appeal, it has to be a patient or their family’s telling their story” I had Goosebumps as they spoke, we had achieved something so special tonight. The link to the video is featured below, at the end it asks you and shows you how to donate, yes my begging bowl is out again… As you watch it consider this thought… Imagine you are married for say 25 years or any time if you are as deeply in love as Julie & I were but imagine, you know your loved one is dying soon, imagine your loved one is crying because he/she wants to sleep cuddled up to you like you always have yet suddenly at the time you need to be as close as possible, a single hospital bed prevents you and makes it difficult to hold hands at night even. This is the harsh reality of this beast called cancer and what it does to you as a family. You’ve seen what I did to overcome it, so I’ll beg you, please help me make Julie’s legacy truly mean something, I want to be able to tell her Grandchildren one day that all the reclining chairs in the new hospital were down to Grandma… It asks for £5 or £10 in the video, seriously though if you can just spare £1 enter £1… The blog has been read over 64,000 times now, if every read was a single pound, we would have hit our goal…….

 

Watch Julie & Andy's story (Have tissues ready)

https://vimeo.com/143231709

 

So the impact of the video, I knew how I felt, I was then asked to check over some comments in a blog that Film Producer Owen from Mocha TV was about to publish, please click on his link and see how it impacted on him, Owen followed his kind words up with a donation too….

 

http://www.mocha.tv/2015/10/julie-and-andys-story/

 

It would have been 'so easy' to use Julie's death and funeral as the end to our fundraising commitment to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity but as I told her in the early days of her illness and I'll remind those that knew her in person or got to know her through her blog, we all had Julie with us for at least 18 months longer than we would have done if she had not had Clatterbridge helping her fight 'fluff'.... Julie would have written this were she here to do so, please help me make her proud...

On the night of the Charity Ball the appeal raised I believe a staggering unprecedented £105,000!!, in 2014 it was approximately £42,000, this was awesome but it's not enough to cover ongoing research such as Julie's support for 'Stop the Clock on Cancer' or what we consider luxuries above and beyond what a cash strapped NHS can deliver. Please help Julie and I make a difference, let the NHS money be invested in Doctors & Nurses and regular equipment but cancer patients and their family's deserve more, together we can make a difference . Thank you in advance.

With some very special thanks this time:

To Owen Cotterell & Mocha TV, your filming and editing facilitated the Tsunami of donations.

To Adam Johns of adamjohnsphotgraphy.co.uk  - Thank you for your permission to reproduce and share a selection of the amazing pictures you took on the evening.

To ITV Granada reports' presenter & our compere on the night Paul Crone, your amazing spontaneous idea to 'donate on a handshake' started one hell of a  generous 'stampede'

To Chris, Karen, Marie, Elspeth, Sam and all of 'Team CCC',

To All of my guests at the ball, you made a tough evening for me so special.

To everyone who bought a chair, you left me humbled, truly humbled

To each and everyone of you that has donated so far my sincerest and humble thanks be it £1 or £1,500 (for that's the range of donation sizes) and yes the £1 donation is as significant as the £1,500 one.

 

 

 

EVENTUALLY IT HITS YOU...

The funeral over we headed to ‘The Wake’, I’d chosen the venue where I’d thrown Julie’s ‘Surprise’ (laughs) 50^th Birthday Party. I say surprise for we got in the cab and as I instructed the cabbie where to take us he blurts out “So you going to this surprise 50^th Birthday party then?” I could have killed him, from the back seat the words “You’ve been rumbled Mr Shute” were giggled at me. I tried to keep up the pretence but she’d got me…. So fond memories of a night just over four years ago….. Kind of perfectly highlight's Julie's reasons for wanting to leave Grimsby...  

Today, well I was the last to leave the crematorium and by the time we got to the restaurant I had to make my own parking space (as I do).  I’d called in earlier in the day and put some large framed pictures onto the tables all showing my lovely wife, all in her loveliness and pretty clothes, she really ‘scrubbed up well’ as the saying goes, I know I was a lucky man..

It’s a weird day, I spoke to everyone but at the same time no one, how does that happen? The restaurant was packed, I’d arranged a six dish hot Chinese buffet that everyone seemed to approve of, Julie would have loved it too… The day was just so consuming for me I spent so little time with everyone, I barely got a mouthful of food, it was all such a whirlwind, those that approached and spoke to me were very complimentary of the food, of the funeral ‘service’ of the coach and horses, I’m glad they felt that way though not everybody it seemed felt the same…

All of the grandchildren were here now and they had balloons to let off with their special messages and pictures tied to them for grandma, I knew it was occurring, Emma had previously told me and I saw the balloons being prepared but I don’t recall anyone telling me they were about to be released, purely by fluke I went out to the car to get the journal to show Julie’s Cousin Maria and her husband Simon. I’d had quite an in depth conversation with Simon, I hold him in high esteem, from a business background too we kind of get each other I think, he shared his concerns with my need to express my view on people not having visited Julie, to a degree he had a point for by definition,  some who had visited Julie still didn’t feel it was enough and took my comments to heart, I understood, I knew I was never going to please anyone other than myself with raising the topic but other than writing about it to a wider audience here I have truly let this go now and let’s face it there is no going back anyway. No one though other than Maureen and myself had to suffer the pain of hearing Julie asking why some people weren't visiting her or how she so much 

Grandma's Balloons

wanted to see people.

So on heading out to the car the grandchildren and children are there being watched by friends and family letting the balloons go, this next piece/event is hard to write and were I so embittered I’d throw names in here but those that were close to Julie if they haven’t already heard this will know, those that don’t know us that well, well names are irrelevant, I’m raising the subject for it fits in with the blog title and all I’d say to any of you is read this, consider this and then decide if you’re ever in this position how you will treat people and how you cope with your own grief or how you consider other's grief, I have to respect this lady's right to express her grief or anger towards me in a way she seems fit..

So three of what I thought were ‘our friends’, you’ll recall my last blog about ‘friends’, these people I classed as ‘our friends’. I’d spent no time with them during the day, hey, I’d been busy, I saw little of people as per above, I saw everyone and I saw no one. I went over to the three of them and to one (who Julie would have told you was one of her dearest friends) I just said “Hello Missus, are you not talking to me?” It was said in partial jest but I didn’t recall talking earlier, I was gobsmacked by the one word response of “No”… I muttered something like “ok then” and walked off to my nearby car to get the journal thinking “What the ….” What Was that about? The other two friends were fine with me. Today was no time to have arguments or to push issues though but the one thing I did know was I had no clue as to why I was ‘being blanked’. I watched the balloons head west; almost it seemed Liverpool/Wirral bound. I went back into the hotel restaurant and shared the journal with Simon & Maria. Slowly people were heading off now, it had been a long day for everyone, some had travelled from afar and going back in the same day, I hugged and kissed so many people but right now I couldn’t name one of them. Gradually I hugged and kissed the stragglers which were all family saying I’d see them soon and I’d be in touch, these are the hardest goodbyes.

Casper, Annelies, Jeanette and I headed west; it was subdued in the car as we were homeward bound, I’m not sure how I felt, was this going to bring me closure? Would I be able to just move on with my life now?. I knew the answer would be no, not yet for I still have to collect Julie’s ashes and we as a family need to respect Julie’s wishes on her final ‘resting place’. As I drove I tried to figure out what had occurred to upset a once dear friend to the point that today of all days she wasn’t speaking to me. Julie had said to all of her family and I suspect to her closest friends too, “Please look after Andy when I’m gone” so, even more of a reason to not ostracise me like this, it really ate away at me initially. I’m truly stunned by this; I thought we were friends too…. I have to accept I’m not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’, I also have to accept that we all grieve differently but I feel out of this close friend’s rejection that I’ve been perceived to have failed Julie and that hurts, as I can reflect back now as we are two month’s on, I’ve no regrets over how I cared, loved and fought for Julie from the moment we discovered she was going to succumb to ‘fluff’, was I perfect before that? I’d answer no, I have my many faults, on rare occasions Julie would say to me “I love you dearly, but right now I don’t like you” but our relationship was special and it was solid. Early tomorrow morning I’m flying to Tenerife for a week to get my head around things and to evaluate my life as it is and what do I want to do with my future, I’ve not had time to truly consider me for well over a year, besides a long weekend in Jersey in 2014 I’ve not felt the warmth of the sun, I need all of this to help me reflect, I hoped I would come back with all of the answers and a plan.

Tenerife was lovely, not many people realised this was the last place Julie & I had actually holidayed together in late April as she became ill in the July, there were no clues then, I actually invested in a two year ‘time share’ kind of deal, I smile now as Julie watched me in full negotiation mode with the resort rep and then his manager, her words of “How on earth did you pull that off?” make me smile today, it was truly

sad though she never got the benefit of the deal though I rescued some of my investment with this holiday, shame due to a lack of holiday’s I’m going to lose the rest… I already thought I’d ‘lost the deal’ for I signed the contract in April 13, during Julie’s palliative pathway stage something was niggling at me about the contract for we were beyond the two year deal period. I dug the contract out after Julie had left me and was pleased to see it (the contract) hadn’t come in to force until 1^st January 2014!

As the taxi drove me to the resort I was wishing Julie was with me, I wasn’t here for fun even though it was a break, I can’t see me having any fun for the foreseeable future, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t going to be a doom and gloom break, Julie would have wanted me to move on, I’m not sure if I’ve previously mentioned it but even in the last eight weeks of her life she tried to ‘match make’ me with a mutual good friend, she was ever thoughtful to the end, you’d think in the knowledge that you’re dying the focus would been all about herself, but no her only concerns were for me, ‘our families’ and where her funeral would be held.

I visited a lot of the places Julie and I had been to, I went on a whale & dolphin watching boat trip as I had with Julie, I smiled as I recalled her joy and excitement as we saw dolphins swim under our catamaran and two pods of whales close by, Julie was so easily pleased…

My second night here and a friend messaged me to ask how I was, she mentioned a face book conversation about the funeral and the balloons, it was obvious the person who posted it was making a point by praising the family but 'ignored my contribution' the friend felt the need to comment in my defence. I hadn't seen this conversation on Facebook, I'd missed little for there are so many nice comments appearing all over that of course I'm reading and touched by all of them. I searched for this thread and I couldn't find it so I searched for the person's name who had posted it, I couldn't find her, the realisation that not only had I been snubbed at the wake but I had now been blocked on Facebook by her too! What the hell was going on, I was furious, I felt now like I'd been stabbed in the heart, this hurt, truly hurt. I posted a rant on Facebook but  of course the person who had blocked me wouldn't see this for of course I'm now 'blocked'.... I'm still clueless as to what I've done or not done.....

My main considerations for when I got back home and was seeking answers to mainly revolved around the house, ‘Shute Manor’ as Julie had named it. Put simply it’s too big for me, I live 43 miles from my office, my annual diesel bill is around £5,000 a year, on top of that another £700 in tunnel fees, it is logical to move east towards my office. Because of my work hours I know less than a dozen people locally and I’d class just three of them as friends. I came to the conclusion that unless I had a reason to stay here by the end of the year then I’ll put the house on the market, it’s not the memories of Julie dying there, I truly wanted us to be together in our home as she slipped away, once she realised I wasn’t going to be upset by this and wanted it to be this way she was at ease with it all too, I actually told her in hospital not to worry about that for I’d sell the house after she finally ‘left me’.

What about me? What was to be for me? I’ve had two years plus knowing Julie was going to leave me sooner than we wanted, I don’t do being alone well, I don’t have loads of mates, I’ve never been the ‘all the guys on a night out type’, I’ve always felt more at home in women’s company than men’s and again due to working away I know few women in Birkenhead or anywhere else if it comes to it plus questions ran through my mind like “Is it too early to move on? Will anyone want to spend time of any kind with a fifty-nine year old? I appreciate I’m not the rugged good looking handsome type, too many times in my life I’ve been told “you’re a lovely man Andy, but…(not my type)”, Even Julie told me after a couple of months of seeing each other “You do know that you and I will never be anything other than friends don’t you?”, yes I know my strengths are once people realise what’s behind the face, the problem is and I saw a quote recently that said “Any man can treat a lady right for one night, but it takes a great man to treat her right for life”. My response to this is (and you’ll say well you would say this Andy) From my experience and listening to others a lot of women are attracted to the handsome, chiselled chinned, rugged good looking type of man yet so many then become bitter because the men are, ‘excuse my language, Bastards’, they’ll use you and walk all over you, you think you can change them to be the man you want them to be, loyal, loving, committed to you and yet judging by a lot of comments I’ve read recently it ends in disaster and upset for you, meanwhile the guys that aren’t so good looking, the guy in the club or pub that you’d never talk to or fancy even if he was the last man on the planet is the guy who is craving to worship you and make you happy and content, Julie called me her frog prince… anyone who knew Julie and knew of us knew she had the happiness and security in a relationship she’d always craved.. There are some beautiful single women who read this blog, I’ve been fortunate to meet many of you, not for me but on behalf of all ‘frog princes’ I’d say “Your looks and their looks (the rugged handsome types) will one day begin to fade, the fidelity of these hunks is likely to be questionable, seriously get to know the ‘frog princes’ and then decide do you want one night of being treated right or a lifetime?”

The dilemma for me is when if ever is the right time to move on, I’ve no desire to step into a full blown relationship so soon after losing Julie, many of you will say I’m being disrespectful now even contemplating this area of my future, I certainly will not sully our memories by doing this even lol if any of you beautiful women would consider me, Julie cannot be replaced, what we had was special, so special and so unique but at the end of the day I’m human and in the grand scheme of things at 59 my time and romance options are limited. I miss the affection and closeness of romance as opposed to love, without overstating the obvious what Julie and I had for over two years was our deep seated love for each other, yes we hugged and kissed and told each other probably twenty times a day that we loved each other (and meant it) but understandably things were ‘different’ to how they were pre her illness, the turmoil I have in my head is wanting what I crave and miss versus respecting the memory of my darling wife.

I flew home thinking I had most things worked out; it fast became apparent that wasn’t so but more on that in another blog.

As I walked into the house in the early hours of the morning, I sat in Julie’s reclining chair in the dining room window; I looked at the pile of post Corrinna had kindly brought in for me. I felt the emptiness of the house, I looked at my favourite framed picture of Julie that was on the dining table and sobbed as I asked her again “Why did you have to leave me, why?” The realisation that this was my future hit me like a ton of bricks, I took the picture to bed with me and Julie, Winston and myself were 'reunited' as I cried myself to sleep….