Reunited

 

I need to start this blog with my rambling, I was ‘accused’ by a ‘family member’ not that long ago that the posts “are all about you and your posts only ever show Julie’s current status and how f****ng fantastic you are”.. I know the comments were made out of frustration at the time but well there had to be some feeling of truth about them for it to come out like that. The blog was set up with the intention to tell predominantly Julie’s journey with Fluff and how ‘we’ handled the situations; it was never intended to be about me, personally until Julie’s death I’d vehemently dispute the comments and allegation and most of the feedback I’ve received about the blog is positive but since Julie’s death it’s more about her legacy and how losing her is impacting on me (and to a degree when I know about it, on others too). I’m not sure if you as in those still reading the blog have any interest in how I/we cope after losing a loved one, clearly the last and this blog will focus on my coping mechanism of getting behind the Clatterbridge Campaign as a legacy for Julie, her children and ‘our’ grandchildren. I could end the blog today with the line ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ but that’s not so and I can’t consider the blog as truly put to bed until probably the closing act of fulfilling Julie’s wishes in terms of her ashes being scattered, to me this will be the end of ‘Fluff’s journey’, in terms of time scales that cannot happen until late April. I don’t want to keep writing blogs people consider boring or no longer ‘on topic’  so my thoughts are to run probably two or three more blog editions this month and then ‘park it’ until April, I don’t know I don’t want to devalue the blog and what it has achieved with almost 66,000 reads, in the absence of direct feedback (which I’d welcome either via here, via FaceBook (Andy Shute), or Twitter @rover600 or via email andrewshute@msn.com) I’m going to make a judgement call based on the blog readership data in other words I’ll only keep it going if there is continued interest in ‘our journey’ even though that journey is now slanted towards ‘me’, I’ve never wanted this to be ‘about me and how F****ng fantastic I am [not]….)

So, back to ‘The Blog’

I arrived home after the Clatterbridge ball, still euphoric from what we’d just achieved, by the way it wasn't all tears, some good and newly made friends helped make the evening a real laugh in the end...

 I’d normally head straight to bed but I sat in the dining room in ‘Julie’s recliner’ clutching one of the framed pictures of her I’ve had done for an event on Sunday. I sat there feet up hugging her picture and 'talking to her' explaining what she had just achieved, I reclined the back of the chair too, turned on my side and thanks to the evening’s alcohol my tear filled eyes slowly closed & I dozed off clutching the picture, I woke around four so cold and headed to my bed.

This is the first weekend I’ve spent at home since Julie died, I’m doing everything I can not to be here in the house but Sunday (tomorrow) I’ve arranged a local thank you event for friends and Julie’s carers who couldn’t make the funeral, I chose The Pollard’s Inn for a) Julie loved it here, we spent New Year’s Eve here, we even stayed the night so forever it will be in my fondest memories ‘box’, b) this was where Julie first met Nicki & Debbie at a Clatterbridge fundraiser that Louise coaxed her along to where they were entertained by comedienne Pauline Daniels, she was so happy when she got home later that day, Pollard’s are big supporters of CCC. The final decider to hold it here is their food is exceptional and the ambience is great.

I arrived early to put Julie’s pictures on the tables; I’m thrilled that some of Julie’s Nurses from hospitals and from the District Nurse team came including Jayne our MacMillan  Nurse who came straight off shift. Karen part of the amazing carers team came, as these jobs all entail 24/7 working shift patterns there were always going to be people who couldn’t make it but I’m grateful for those that did so that I could express my personal thanks. Friends and some of my work colleagues came too, others that we’d met on this incredible journey too such as Merseyside Woman of The Year Angela Samata, I’d sought advice off Angela at one point and she was extremely supportive and most helpful. I’m not sure if I previously mentioned this but one morning when I’d had a Marie Curie Nurse sitting with Julie overnight as I entered the room ‘Dot’ told me Julie had mentioned during the night that she wanted to speak with a counsellor, I said I’d arrange it, I didn’t ask what she wanted to discuss, my reaction was she must have something to say or need help with that she feels I can’t support her with or she can’t talk to me about, it’s not my right to ask or to feel offended or hurt about, these were Julie’s last few weeks. Later that day I called the charity team at Clatterbridge and sought their advice for I know they support cancer patients and their families with counselling sessions sadly however and I’ve asked little of the team that we and I continue to support but I’d make this impassioned plea to you gang.. Your counselling services are apparently ‘in house’ only, Julie was housebound and as a result you ‘couldn’t help her’.. I can’t believe Julie is the only patient that has ever needed support yet couldn’t access it due to a lack of mobility. Equally I can’t see there being hundreds to accommodate regularly either…Can you not look to ‘support by exception?’

Anyway, I tried CCC, I tried our GP but was being quoted a six week wait, I didn’t think Julie had six weeks, (Sadly I was right) so I looked at private counselling groups, to be honest even for me who never gives up  this was a painful experience and it seems reams of paperwork needed filling in and they needed to do a telephone consultation with Julie first to evaluate her…. In the end I turned to Angela, although her speciality is involvement in supporting bereaved families where a loved one has taken their own life and Julie is very much alive and definitely not wanting to die but I spoke to Angela in the hope she could point me in the right direction of a suitable counsellor. Angela asked me did Julie need counselling or did she just want to get something off her chest, to tell a stranger something that she couldn’t share with me or family. I was clueless but my gut feel was this was more of a ‘private’ confessional moment than her needing counselling. Angela said if it was her needing to get something off her chest to share with a ‘stranger’ that she’d probably never see again that as she lived close by she’d gladly meet with Julie privately. I said I’d ask which Julie wanted then I’d get back to Angela. This next piece is both sad but funny too. That night when I got home I had the following conversation with Julie.

Me: Hunny, you know you mentioned to Dot the other morning that you wanted to see a counsellor?

Julie: Yes.

Me: Well I’ve tried to find a counsellor and I’m struggling BUT, do you remember Angela Samata?

Julie: Of course I do.

Me: Well after trying everyone I turned to Angela and asked if she could recommend anyone to see you, she asked did you feel you needed counselling or, is it you just want to chat privately with someone to tell them something which you don’t want to share with family? I’m quite ok if it’s that so please don’t worry, Angela said she’ll happily pop around and chat with you and you can tell her whatever it is and it will stay between you both. So what do you think hunny?

Julie: I don’t know, I can’t remember what I wanted to tell them…

I smiled inwardly at this bless her, Fluff was hitting her short term memory a little and she’d forgotten. I went on to tell her it was fine and if she remembered I’d let Angela know and we’d arrange a meeting..

 To this day I’ve no idea what she wanted to get off her chest but I’m grateful that when I felt like I was hitting brick walls that Angela was there to help. So, back to the gathering, amazing coincidences, a dear friend I see so little of (down to me not him) Paul Salt who now works for BBC Radio Merseyside (Some of you locally will know him as Salty) came along with his lovely wife Lindsay and their children, it turns out Salty had interviewed Angela on the radio. Small world, Lots of friends and neighbours came and I was delighted to see Eve, Viv & Ralf come along too, Eve & Viv caught up with friends who came to Eve’s coffee morning, Julie’s special friend and former work colleague ‘Wally’ as she called June, (Clueless to why), It was only a small gathering of around 40 people. I need to throw in a special mention for a special lady who by allowing me a weekly waffle and sometimes giving me a different perspective helped me through Julie’s illness especially the last few months, I’ve not whined about my health during Julie’s illness and there has been nothing seriously wrong with me but for over 15 months I had a leg wound caused by catching the edge of a suitcase on the edge of my calf, not painful but would it heal? Would it ‘eckers like’ as we say up north.. I was having to have it dressed periodically, I ended up with MRSA in the wound probably from when Julie had it I’ve had that many infections in it I think I had getting on for 10 lots of Antibiotics in under six months. I’m pleased to say that it’s 99.9% healed now but Bernie my then GP Practice Nurse was dressing it for me almost weekly, our chats as she dressed the wound helped me through very difficult times, so a big thank you. Well the food went down a storm but yet again I spoke to everyone but then again no one, and again I had no food. It’s a weird experience indeed and where does the time go? …

Again I got home clutching all of my framed photos, I’m drained and I think for the first time since Julie ‘left me’ I ventured into our lounge and sat down, my life for the last 39 days has revolved around dining room, two bedrooms, laundry room & shower so five rooms out of the seventeen in the house and people ask “Why do you want to move?”…….

This coming week it was going to be a tough one, Thursday is Emma’s birthday, her first without Mum, It’s tough on the children as well as on me, Julie’s death is hitting and hurting everyone close to her, there was a special bond with Emma and her mum, Thursday I know her celebrations will be tinged with so much sadness this year.. I wish I was there with her but I know it wouldn’t help for it’s Julie Emma wants not me….. We’ve got a year of every birthday, anniversary or special occasion being ‘the first without Mum/Julie’ it’s not going to be easy especially as Christmas beckons.

I had a trip to the Isle of Man to look forwards to though.

I can’t recall if I mentioned it but a dear friend on the Island Sharon asked me if she and a restaurant owning friend ‘Ben’ could hold a coffee and cake morning in Julie’s memory and all proceeds to go to Clatterbridge, I was flattered Sharon wanted to do this, Sharon is a dear friend that I knew before Julie and I actually unwittingly brought Sharon and her Husband Richard together by introducing them to each other at a party I hosted. Anyway back to the Coffee and Cake event, The Isle of Man is very reliant on Clatterbridge for Cancer treatment; it’s such a small Island that a lot of specialist medical treatments are handled by the nearest mainland Hospitals and for Cancer that is Clatterbridge so it’s close to a lot of people’s hearts on the island too.

On Friday evening I jumped a taxi across to the Seacat terminal in Liverpool, we’re spoilt being a port city, I live not five minutes from the Belfast bound Ferry Terminal too. A couple of hours later I’m on the Island being hugged by Sharon, Sharon had driven over from the Island for Julie’s funeral, we’d been regular visitors including for Sharon & Richard’s wedding and for the Christening of Aalish, who I’m proud to have as my god child.

Saturday morning and we headed to ‘Leonardo’s’ in Castletown, it’s a beautiful venue well decorated and looking at the main menu, clearly at the mid-top end range of the entertaining market. The array of homemade cakes was outstanding and the coffee flowed, I hadn’t counted but there must have been at least forty people here, in total on the day thanks to Owner Ben subsidising the event and the islander’s generosity & Sharon’s children’s ability to extract raffle ticket money out of everyone I came home with a cheque for £607 for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity, what an

amazing sum just for getting together for coffee and cake in a fantastic restaurant. So in effect another chair purchased plus a chair leg….  At this point I’ll throw in another huge thank you for a rather special but in some ways a modest young lady who I’ve met several times before when over with Julie, Leanne, who works for Sharon & Richard put in some tremendous work behind the scenes in pulling all of this together, I’m extremely grateful to her, so much so I’ve decided to make a trip back over soon so that I can take Leanne out for dinner with Richard & Sharon, I’ve had the year from hell but when I recently heard what this young lady has gone through, in comparison I’ve had it easy… It’s so easy to think life is all about us but the age old adage of no matter how bad things are for us there are others worse off than ourselves that’s not said in this instance with sympathy but recognition of events and the fights others have to endure too….

The following weekend, its Halloween weekend and I’ve made arrangements to be in Grimsby for the weekend for on the Monday I’ve made an appointment with the Funeral Directors to collect Julie’s ashes. This was to turn into the most bizarre of weekends in many aspects and truly played with my emotions.

Friday night I dashed over for there was a fireworks display in Cleethorpes pleasure island theme park. I knew Emma Bob and the grandchildren were there so messaged Emma to say I’d arrived at the park, the sky was being lit up with fireworks, there was a nominal fee to pay to get in and sod’s law was I’d just pressed my debit card pin number into the machine and the last firework of the night went up! I was soon greeted in the sea of people by Emma, Ollipop, Jenny, Bob’s sister and Olli’s partner in crime Adele, Adele you might recall went home with a teddy from ‘Shute Manor’ when Grandma gave the girls their Stieff bears. I love the involvement with the children and grandchildren, Olli puts a spring in my step and even though I carried her (at her request) on my shoulders for most of the next 90 minutes it was an absolute pleasure, we fought our way through the crowds to meet up with Abbie, Chloe and Bob. It’s lovely being here but the sadness is Grandma isn’t with us…… As I sad above we’ve got at least a year of this…

Later on I was invited along to Emma’s Uncle & Aunt’s, Dave & Lynn’s  for their Halloween party, it’s the first time I’ve seen the family collectively since Julie’s funeral, the Bartlett’s have always been warmly welcoming of me and today was no exception, the hugs are all the more ‘sincere’ today.

Saturday I visited Julie’s Dad, I so feel for Bob, he shares the same sentiment for me but no parent should have to lose a child especially the only daughter and Bob doted on her.

I spent time with Aaron, Vicky, Abbey, Millie and Evan , and saw Emma, Bob, Abbie, Chloe & Olivia again, all of the families although pleased to see me are subdued. Sunday evening I had dinner with Tara & Pete in a lovely restaurant just out of town. We had a great time, given that Tara I only met on Xmas day last year and Pete in July we have forged an amazing friendship. I left them around 8.30 and headed back to my hotel for the most surreal of evenings.

The Confusing simple things in life...

As I got back into the hotel like a lot of hotels Sunday nights are quiet, in the bar were two very pretty young smartly dressed ladies chatting away, I noticed each had their own bottle of wine, I parked myself on a nearby bar stool ordered a whisky and water and sat trawling through face book etc, another guy appeared, ordered a bottle of beer and he was there less than ten minutes before he’d gone. It was difficult to avoid over hearing the conversation the ladies were having, of all topics it was long term illness and death, not particularly what I wanted to listen to given the rawness of my own situation. One of them mentioned she hadn’t realised how ill her grandmother had been when she realised she needed her nails tidying and painting and arranged it but sadly she passed away before a beautician got to do them, this hit a chord with me for Julie had her nails done a couple of times whilst poorly at home, in fact three times but knowing how much of a difference this made to Julie and knowing this young lady’s grandmother had missed out tears trickled down my face, thankfully I wasn’t looking in their direction and yes I managed to compose myself. Shortly after one of the pair disappeared to the loo, the other I glanced at and laughed at as she was trying to pour her wine back into her bottle, “No chance" I laughed, she giggled and explained she was struggling to keep up with her friend so thought she’d try a smoke and mirrors trick. “too late” I said “here’s your mate” she was 'busted', we both laughed as her mate ribbed her, she explained she couldn’t cope with the volume but “I could manage an amaretto” so her friend comes to the bar and stands next to me, she was pretty from a distance and close up she was beautiful. She smiled I said Hi, she replied then ordered an Ameretto, the barman replied “I’m sorry I can’t serve you, it’s past 11pm”, she was obviously disappointed, not one to miss a trick I said to the bar man, “you’re still serving residents though?” The answer was yes, “Well give the lady an Ameretto and charge it to my room” Well I got the smile of all smiles followed by an offer to pay for the drink which I declined and then I was invited to join them both, initially I declined explaining their conversation was a bit ‘raw for me’ Asked why I explained I’d lost Julie early in September, at that I got ‘that pitiful look’ that I’ve seen many times but it was followed by a hug and an apology, the hug lingered and I just said “Please don’t feel sorry for me”, (The last thing I want is pity or sorrow) her friend stood up and came over and the next thing I’m on the receiving end of another hug. With promise to change the topic I was ‘dragged’ to join them, alright I ran the six feet  haha.

So the conversation changed and the lady sitting opposite me was quite chatty, her friend sat  adjacent to us both was suddenly holding my hand, it wasn’t just holding my hand though if that sounds daft? I looked at her then my hand then back to her eyes and asked “are you ok?” she answered “Yes thanks, I’m fine, are you?” I looked back at our hands then back into her eyes “I’m fine too thanks”, “that’s alright then came the reply”. I looked at her friend and asked “Are you ok with this?”, her friend answered “It’s fine by me, she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”.. We carried on talking and our hands and fingers remained intertwined, firstly I’m hardly god’s gift, secondly she was (at this point) definitely still sober and no she wasn’t blind, I’m way ahead of you lot! This was confusing for in no way was I looking for this (whatever this is). Her friend got up to visit the loo and my new found friend ‘from nowhere leaned forward and softly kissed me’ followed by a softer hug than the last time, there was no passion in the kiss, but there was romance, I suspect the ladies reading this will have more of a clue as to what I mean than the men.. Her perfume hit my senses, this woman was special, these moments were special and suddenly I realised what I’d missed so much in the last two plus years. Something weird was happening here, as we spoke she softly touched my protruding out of the top of my shirt chest hair, along with her comments it was safe to say this was some moment.  We kissed again and at that her friend re-appeared, our hands still remained softly locked. I asked her friend again if she was ok with this. I got the same answer as the last time. Next she asked for my telephone number and insisted I text her a message so she had mine, like I wasn’t going to text this beautiful woman. Going through my head though was a mixture of emotions; including have I struck gold a second time in Grimsby? I was also conscious of my reasons for being here tonight, or rather tomorrow, was I being disrespectful? I didn’t even start this.. I’m confused but I’ve so missed this degree of gentle tenderness and romance. I don’t think anyone until they have experienced the long term care of someone they love deteriorating by the day will understand this, various people have shared views with me on moving on with my life and this was something I never envisaged. As we talked further children were mentioned then a husband, at this point although the hands were still held I was being cautious now, I’m not a marriage wrecker and by this time the lady’s wine bottle was almost empty, I suggested it was home time for both of them, her friend to a degree was playing gooseberry now, her friend arranged for a cab and my interlocked fingers friend was asking if we could meet for lunch (given it was 02.00) ‘today’. I laughed for the wine was clearly in her system now, I joked, “You won’t even remember my name in the morning let alone meeting for lunch but she was adamant she wanted to meet, I knew lunch would leave me late home so I suggested coffee instead back at the hotel at 11, I needed to understand the ‘My husband’ thing, she wasn’t giving the impression that she was madly in love, I needed to understand ‘where she was’ as in is the marriage dead and she’s looking to move on or, is she still happily married. Even with a drink inside me and I’d only had two whisky’s I knew I had to be a gentleman here and I had to tread carefully tomorrow. I’m not breaking anyone’s relationship up  and I’m very fragile myself right now but this weirdly  felt so right. As the taxi arrived we hugged,  I got “See you tomorrow” I just laughed and said “We’ll see, I’ll be here” She was still telling me she would be too as she headed out of the door with her friend.

I went to my hotel bed with a smile, the first I’ve truly had on my face in a long time, I lay there going through the evening again, this had at the very least made me realise how much I need female company someone to be close to, to hold hands with,  the other nagging doubt was she was only 33, I’m old enough to be her father… I went to sleep wondering how this would play out tomorrow, I’m still convinced she won’t show, by the way  yes I do have the lady’s’ names but I’m withholding them for I hope obvious reasons.

The rules of grieving..

I’m only including this 'Mills & Boon' for there are no rules about coping with death and grief or on when to move on or how, long gone are the days of mourning for six months and wearing black constantly.  I’ve floated the subject of moving on, on my facebook wall and the consensus is it will happen when it will happen, I know that Julie didn’t want me to be alone and the majority seem to think it has nothing to do with anyone else how I live my life but rightly or wrongly I'm very conscious of others views. I’m sure I would feel entirely  differently today had Julie been fit and well and had just had an unexpected heart attack and had died instantly , that must carry so much of a weight and anguish, but knowing Julie was dying for two plus years, seeing her suffer with her many seizures and three operations and all the recovery time then to be told we had reached the end of the line and the devoted and yes, I was totally devoted to Julie &  Julie’s care regime to the point of mental and physical exhaustion some days (in fact many days over the 800 days of illness) I now feel I need to not waste precious time & live, I’m not sure who has the right to judge me on this not even myself and I constantly am as you'll gather, sadly it could be you one day, it could be you…

The next morning I was up, had breakfast then set off for the Funeral Directors, I hadn’t forgotten last night but I had to be focussed on Julie again now, I felt slightly uncomfortable with myself, I’m caught between the rock and a hard place, I know Julie wants me to move on, last night’s meeting almost didn’t happen, a fluke incident sent the women to the hotel, was this ‘lady fate’ playing her hand, would this mysterious woman actually show today?

Sobbing...

I headed to the Funeral Directors where I met one of the team, they had just brought Julie’s ashes over from Cleethorpes, she was not resting in Grimsby! I’d previously chosen a colourful landscaped scene tube for Julie’s ashes as opposed to the traditional wooden boxes. The tube was placed into a heavy duty card plain purple good quality gift style carrier bag. I was also given a certificate in case we wanted to inter Julie’s ashes, nope that's not happening,  she would be scattered in the lake district per her wishes.

As I got to my car, I held the bag/tube and sobbed, “I’m taking you home hunny!” I sobbed for five minutes or more, this was such an emotional ‘reunion’, I told her how much I was missing her, I asked why she had to leave me not for the first time, I know of course it wasn’t Julie’s fault that she was stolen from me, from us… As I gathered my composure I hadn’t considered how I transported the ashes safely home, Julie was NOT travelling in the boot of the car. I opted for the passenger seat with the seatbelt fitted snugly. How stupid is this? Reason goes out of the window in times of grief that I do know. I looked at the time, it was 10.30, I supposedly had a coffee ‘date’ at eleven but now I’m feeling slightly bad, almost like I’m betraying Julie, I’ve got her with me and I’m meeting ‘another woman’, I am truly confused right now however, If I make a commitment I keep it, even if I met the lady to just say last night was lovely but.. I truly didn’t know what the meeting IF it happened would entail or how it would pan out.

I got back to the hotel and parked outside the front doors, I left ‘julie’ in the car, there was no way I could meet anyone with this gift bag with me….. I settled down with a coffee and as eleven came, my hand holding young lady’s friend came in, she had business at the hotel today, we smiled and I laughed, as she approached I said “I take it … Isn’t coming then, I knew she wouldn’t” She smiled and explained she had spoken with her friend but a) she’d got into trouble with her husband for getting home late and b) she was suffering the after effects of the bottle of wine. “thank you for being so understanding and such a gentleman with … last night” I told her she has a very special friend but I was concerned as to how happy her marriage was before I could consider progressing things and that was why I had agreed to coffee.  I smiled; maybe this was for the best for many reasons I explained and thanked her for a great evening and told her to thank her friend too.

I slowly drank my coffee as I read the news on my ipad, about half an hour later a text appeared on my phone from the absent young lady apologising for missing coffee ……. I thanked her for a lovely night and wished her well and told her to message me if she wanted to but I couldn’t chase her in the knowledge that she was married, it was time Julie & I headed home…  Some things are meant to be and some aren’t but I kind of feel I know how prince charming felt when he found Cinderella’s glass slipper.. The difference here was in this day and age it’s not hard to find someone if you really want to, I know where the lady lives but I’m no stalker or mad possessed individual, I enjoyed a moment and given her marital status its best that it stays that way….

I drove home, talking all the way 'to Julie' like a mad man, I was updating her on everything including Tenerife, I discussed her friend’s strange behaviour towards me, I talked a lot…..

On getting home there is only one place for Julie now and that’s in our bedroom, I placed Winston on top of the 'Gift bag' and tube, he was/is guarding her again now, they’re reunited. It’s bizarre how we think or rather how I think.  Julie was afraid of the dark when alone, it goes back to her days at home and her young brothers playing her up and locking her in the dark, her fear lasted a lifetime so now unless I’m in the room with her, the light stays on, whether I'm home or not stupid uh?

Julie’s ashes are going to be staying with me until April, whilst I wanted to grant her final wish as soon as possible the children couldn’t make any time this side of Christmas and given the potential for snow and so they can save up for their travel, we collectively agreed the weekend of April 22^nd. The weather should be better and we can lay her properly to rest then.

Some special thank you's

To Angela & Bernie.

To Leanne, Richard, Sharon & Ben on The Isle of Man - To all of those who came to support Clatterbridge Cancer Charity.

To Julie's former in laws

To a Special lady in a hotel bar..

To Winston...

To a woman I'll never forget no matter how or when  I move on..

Always her Daddy's Girl....