Merry Xmas? I don’t think so…

Lisa & Julie NYE

It’s been quite a couple of weeks, work has been keeping me occupied, not that I have any choice for I’m out of annual leave until April 1^st 2016, normally I’d have blocked off between Xmas & the New Year for no one wants to see or speak to you in my line of work and in the past it gave us the luxury of being able to grab some ‘us time’ and visit family, we’d often get away for New Year’s Eve, though in our early days together we would throw some party at ‘Shute Manor’. Both being fully qualified chefs though brought it’s tensions and Julie was normally told to go play nice with our friends whilst I catered for (one year) 72 people. The house lends itself to being full and happy, right now it’s not, it’s still dragging me down. The parties came to an end as Julie got to grips with her interior design work, our friends were lovely but slowly Julie wanted to claim the house for herself and the parties ended, I think the happiest New Year’s Eve at home after that was when with no plans one year Julie’s friend Lisa and her then boyfriend decided to come over for NYE and boy did we party, I only ever saw Julie truly drunk twice and this particular New Year’s Day was one of them, we secured tickets for a cracking Cocktail Bar in nearby Oxton Village, and the price

Don't ask...

included free prosecco and food which staff wandered around with all evening, it was some night and Julie was looking her usual gorgeous best, whilst we got a cab for the ½ mile trip there we walked (Staggered) home and as Lisa and her then partner decided to head home later that day Julie (hilariously) could barely lift her head off the pillow bless her. Last New Year’s Eve we went to and stayed at Pollard’s Inn, we both knew there was a good chance this was our last New Year’s Eve together so I wanted it to be somewhere special but also relaxed, I think for the only NYE together we were snuggled up asleep as the New Year arrived… In years gone by the lady would have been dancing the night away but there would be no dancing this year…  Anyway, I’ve jumped ahead, Christmas isn’t here as far as the blog is concerned let alone NYE but I can tell you it’s my biggest dread and it will be the hardest night of the year probably the hardest that I’ll ever endure in my life in being home alone this year…. I’m NOT but I can understand why the suicide rate increases dramatically on NYE (apparently)..

It’s mid-December and my rock of a mate Casper is over from Holland for the second time in under three weeks, Julie, myself and Casper met in Lanzarote the morning after a work related conference ended, we introduced ourselves, agreed we should explore doing business together and a most amazing friendship formed, so much so that Casper in the last year alone(from memory)  I think made five trips over  to see Julie, he was back for her funeral and he’s been back for these two December visits. I’ve few friends that I could shout for support and know I’d get it, it’s a very select club I can tell you but every one of them this year have been there for me(and Julie)and that included Casper, the others I’m not going to embarrass, you know who you are... And I’m forever grateful, singularly and collectively you have made a very difficult year easier to cope with…  Sincerely, thank you.

So, I digress again; the most recent visit saw Casper and myself catch up with dear friends we have also made through business and that included Janice, Mandy & Debbie. We wined and dined the night away in Liverpool City Centre, Janice of Liverpool extraction lives in Spain so she and her husband were visiting family, it’s good to meet up, though yes, a tinge of sadness with Julie being absent but she’s in everyone’s thoughts, she never leaves mine.

The good thing about Casper’s visits are that yes I’m in the house of a weekend and no it doesn’t seem so ‘empty’ , I’ve still only spent two weekends alone in the house since Julie ‘left me’, I still cannot settle in it. I’m not sure if it would be any different were it a ‘normal size house’. Loneliness on losing your soul mate is a living hell that I can tell you, I don’t have many enemies but I would not wish this hollow feeling on any of them.

I mentioned in the last blog how my tears just stream at times, It can be something I see, read or hear that reminds me of Julie, all memories should be happy but as Casper and I wandered around first the Museum of Liverpool separately and later around HMV, my emotions certainly got the better of me. Just walking around the Museum of Liverpool where Julie and I spent so much time showing friends around

has my tears streaming, I’m trying to be discrete and, I’m staying well away from Casper, I’m 59 I shouldn’t be sobbing like a child but I cannot help it. We made it into HMV and suddenly a Xmas song came on, I’d watched my crazy wife suddenly start bopping to a song in stores before, had she been here irrelevant who had been watching she’d have been dancing, swishing her skirt smiling and giggling at me and her mischief ways, I just broke down, this is madness but I cannot help my emotions running away with me time after time, I have absolutely no control over them… By

coincidence this album was then staring at me…  We also wandered up to see the Tower of London Weeping Window of Poppies currently at St George’s Hall in Liverpool, Julie would have so loved this…

I’ve bought all the Xmas presents and I’ve made my plans for Xmas, straight after work I’m driving down to Maureen’s (Mum’s)  to spend Xmas Eve and Xmas day with her, neither of us deserve to be alone this year equally neither of us have reason to celebrate Xmas either, many of you will say Julie & Henry would have wanted us to be happy and to enjoy Xmas even with them not here, if only it was that easy, I can’t blame you for thinking we should just move on and the past is the past but speaking for myself either the love I had and shared with Julie was on a different level to what many of you consider love or you’ve not experienced such a significant loss, we were soul mates, we were together every day, I think in 13 years together we were probably apart less than a dozen days when Julie went home when the grandchildren were born or I was away on one business trip without her, most business trips she would be with me, I can recall one trip to Paris and whilst I attended an exhibition Julie did her own thing including shopping and discovering how expensive Parisian cafe's are, I met up with her, she was grinning from ear to ear giving me a hug and kiss and telling me she loved me then with a glint in her eye proceeded to tell me how in a department store "I got chatted up today by some handsome French Guy, his English was fantastic", she loved to tease and wind me up at times, I didn't do the jealousy thing, I was proud that it wasn't just me that saw how beautiful Jules was but she was always coming home to and with me.. I can tell you though I miss her so much I can physically feel the loss of her.  Yes I know I will in time move on with my life and I hope 2016 gives me that opportunity but for now it just ‘ain’t that easy’.

Xmas Eve morning and I’m up at daft o’clock for work and to load the car up, only some of the presents are wrapped, I’ve had no motivation to wrap them and thought it would be a great way to fill Xmas day at Maureen’s wrapping presents, the paradox being everyone else is unwrapping theirs!

When I made the decision to go to Maureen’s I Called her and asked she book us in to a hotel or restaurant for Xmas day lunch, neither of us would have the desire to cope with cooking and cleaning up after so this was the best option and, we would be in a bustling atmosphere better than sitting at home trying to enjoy. Initially she drew a blank, like Bethlehem everywhere is booked up, I suggested she try The Marriott Forest of Arden Resort and hey presto we were accommodated, it’s not ten minutes from Mum’s, she had never been in before despite it being on what was my late Father’s old Police beat, I’d been fortunate enough to have stayed whilst at a couple of business conferences and still have fond memories including witnessing a rather drunken colleague try to ‘deck’ our then MD, thank god a good friend had faster reflexes and averted a career changing moment, the next day it was hilarious but as it unfurled it wasn’t..

The Drive to Warwickshire was uneventful and it was lovely to hug my mother again and hear of her recent exploits, a dear family friend Celia who has had more than enough to cope with of her own this year has supported us both especially Maureen as they live so close to each other, Celia’s family are all so kind, they've been around to Maureen's several times recently and I know how much Maureen values this special friendship.

Well the Forest of Arden Marriott was incredible, truly spectacular, the restaurant looked amazing, the atmosphere was Christmassy and it turned out lunch was a collection of buffets with hot & cold starters, desserts and an incredible carvery. As Carlsberg would say “If

Carlsberg Did… (Buffets)” yep it would have been this one! I asked for Turkey and beef, I wasn’t paying too much attention so was taken aback by five slices of meat on my plate and I still had to find room for the vegetables too!

 Don’t just take my word for it…..

Soberly, for I won’t drink and drive (I lie, I’ll have up to one beer and that’s it) so today it was lemonade and lime for me… Once home I felt so bloated I had to head to my bed and sleep off this food mountain..   I came down later to finish present wrapping that Maureen had expertly helped with and to watch TV & to be sociable. We also face timed with Emma, Bob and the three grandchildren.  In the main there had been no teary outbursts though my eyes did fill up when I woke and looked out of the bedroom window, there was a Robin on the fence… also once at the Marriott & there was one moment at Mum’s too where the tears filled up behind my reading glasses, I think I

Robin

kept it from Maureen but then again, probably not! To be honest I think we have both coped better with today than either of us envisaged that we would, tomorrow morning it turned out was an entirely different ball game….

I got up Boxing Day morning had breakfast and I was soon to depart for Grimsby where I’m heading to see the family for the next couple of days. I loaded the car up and I came to say goodbye, as I hugged Mum, the floodgates opened, I sobbed a combination of leaving her today, a combination of knowing Henry wasn’t here and the magnitude of missing Julie, I had to turn away and say my final goodbyes, Mum was upset too but I was distraught, I sat in the car and sobbed like a baby, I drove off but was truly overcome with grief at my loss, my first Christmas without Julie, this so hurt… In hindsight I did

By Special Request a pic of Maureen with some special friends....

the worst thing possible I turned on my car radio which picked up the last song I’d played via my iphone, “Someday at Christmas” by Stevie Wonder & Andra day. It’s a (wonderful) new version of an old song so Julie hadn’t heard it but I just knew certain songs we would hear and I’d stand behind her and wrap my arms lovingly around her, kiss her neck and I’d sing (badly) to her as we swayed, this would have been such a song had she been here fit and well. This just made me worse, my journey north was tear filled if it wasn’t the music it was looking at the empty seat next to me and thinking “Why aren’t you here?”, or realising I’m meeting Emma and family later and Aaron and family tomorrow, I’ve said it many times it isn’t just me that is grieving because of Julie ‘leaving us’…  I basically cried from Maureen’s until I got to my hotel in Grimsby, so for almost two hours,  I stopped at a motorway services and grabbed a coffee from a Starbucks Drive through, the girl who served me asked me if I was ok, I tried to smile as I thanked her and said “I’m fine”.. Truth be told I am anything but fine…

The Humber Royal Hotel, my second home of late it seems,  I’m waiting for my invitation to their staff Xmas party (Julie style Hehe), There is one team member here who has been exceptionally kind, the rest are brilliant but one of the Management team Natalie has gone above and beyond and whilst not ‘mates’ I feel we have become ‘friends’ in the loosest sense of the word, we even showed each other our wedding pictures as I sipped a double malt whisky late night on Boxing Day night after I’d been to see Emma, Bob, Chloe, Abbie & Olivia. It was an emotional visit but no tears, I can though feel the pain in Emma’s hug and I’m sure she feels mine, I’ve tried to enter into the Xmas spirit but normally Julie and I would have selected the presents , the children would always have had clothes as would Emma, Julie knew all the sizes etc something I think us blokes struggle with though that said I knew Julie’s fashion style& sense, dress size and her vital statistics I never once bought her ‘tacky’ clothing, I ‘knew’ what she liked, I’m proud of the fact that I knew what made my soul mate feel  loved and the beautiful & sexy woman that she was, how did I know I’d achieved this ‘art’ well I’d have heard about it (in a nice way) had she thought I’d bought her anything tacky. So, back to the Kid’s Xmas presents and for the grandchildren it’s a mixture of some handcrafted one of a kind bracelets and gift cards for Claire’s accessories, Grandma would have shopped better…. For Emma I’m clueless and I bought her a Next Gift card, I’m almost ashamed of my lack of imagination but my heart really hasn’t been in Xmas, I just want it out of the way, the same goes for new Year’s Eve….

Sunday and I just chill during the day before heading to Pete & Tara’s for an hour and then It’s on to see Aaron, Vicky, Abbey, Millie & Evan. As I tried to get inspiration for getting the grandchildren presents Vicky mentioned the kids would like to see Little Mix, sadly Vicky hadn’t realised when arena filling groups like little mix tickets go on sale they sell out in hours, they’d been on sale well over a fortnight, this was mission impossible but eventually with my kind of expertise in buying tickets I found a way and so the kid’s eyes lit up when they knew this was their Christmas gift, Evan I’d bought a sit in dinosaur shaped buggy that Aaron had to assemble with Evan sat in it! Not the easiest task ever.  I was well fed and watered by both families, we laughed and reminisced about Mum, no tears just fond memories.  Back to the hotel and I’m too whacked to even worry about Whisky tonight, somehow over the last week I’ve developed Catarrh and my already sleepless nights are even more so, if it’s not one thing it’s another…..

The hardest part of the weekend is visiting Julie’s Mum & Dad, this is the first time I’ve seen Julie’s Mum since before Julie died, she was too ill to attend her Daughter’s funeral, she has Alzheimer’s and bless her she doesn’t even realise Julie is no longer with us, she doesn’t remember my name it’s “Hello mate, how are you?” then ten minutes later it’s “Are you keeping ok?” then every three or four minutes the same question comes at me almost goldfish memory like.  Bob is finally getting help with putting Julie’s mum to bed, the side effects and impact of such an illness on anyone is so draining and Bob in his 80’s bless him deserves an easier life than this. He too misses Julie Anne as he’d call her or his Jooie.. Life is so cruel. Bob comes to see me out and off as I need to get home, lord knows what today’s journey/traffic will bring weather wise. I said my goodbyes to Julie’s brother Andy, I feel bad, he’s brought me a Xmas gift, I’ve only bought for the younger children this year, this would have been Julie’s ‘job’….  As I drove away I just sobbed and wailed, it came from nowhere but it’s for Bob’s loss and it’s for mine, the harsh reality is that I’m heading home without my Princess beside me, I’ve no idea if or when this pain will leave me, I so want her back….  



 

Merry Xmas Hunny, wherever you are...