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| It's not always about grand gestures but right now it's always about tears |
There have
been loads of other things to reduce me to tears, Julie loved Robins, she loved all birds coming into
our garden and we had an abundance of bird feeders so she could watch them all
from her bed in the bay window but her favourite bird was the Robin, truth be
told mine too, my side of the family had always associated Robins with the
passing of a loved one, one morning I was leaving for work around seven a.m.
and a single Robin flew in to the tree nearest the path and was clearly looking
at me chirping away, I sobbed and sobbed, I truly broke down, I went down on my
haunches, it never moved from its low hanging branch as I sobbed, I actually
spoke to it through my tears…. Recently I went into our local Tesco to buy Xmas
cards for the grandchildren and children, as I walked the long racks I was
suddenly ‘confronted’ with all of the ‘To my darling wife’ cards, the
floodgates just opened, I looked a right idiot. Often when talking to friends
or occasionally at work business clients who knew Julie would ask things about
her and how I’m coping etc and it’s hard not to have to draw a deep breath,
gulp and hope the tears don’t start to run, when I spoke to one customer who
had met Julie but I hadn’t spoken to in over a year and he was unaware
explaining her loss brought me to tears at my desk and colleagues looking at me.
The night of the charity ball as I
donned my dinner suit and looked in the mirror I cried, later that night when I
got home, I cried.
I had to go
into Julie’s handbag earlier this week, I’ve not ventured into it since I think
never lol, I’d often be told by Julie when she was well “Get it out of my
handbag”, I’d just pass her the handbag much to her annoyance but I’ve always
respected her privacy & her hand bag, her wardrobes and chests of drawers.
As I picked up the handbag that I’d placed on the back of the rocking chair in
the bedroom (you can see it in the appeal video) I’m stood by the bed looking
straight at Julie’s ashes, again I felt I was betraying her, again I sobbed and
asked “Why did you leave me”, I added “I miss you so much” through my tears and
‘blubbing’… Everyone tells me it will get better and get
easier but I remain to be convinced………
Well it’s
Friday afternoon, I’m in my office it’s just a four day week this week having
had to take Monday off to collect Julie’s ashes, something had been eating away
at me for a couple of days almost like, well, and don’t take this the wrong way
for I’m not going mad but it was like ‘Madam’ was chirping in my ear to contact
the family, something hadn’t sat right with me the weekend before as I’d said
my goodbyes to the family. The upshot was there was something, without going into
detail except to say I knew Julie would have wanted me to get back over, she
would have had she been here, of that I’m certain. It was almost as if she’d
been chipping away at my subconscious, I’m not a believer but on the other side
I’m not a total sceptic either, lol the only thing I’d wished was that if it
was Julie that she’d have got me to do this on the Thursday for I’m in my
office no suitcase, no change of clothes no shower bag, no deodorant and it
would add a hundred miles to my journey to drive home and get my gear together.
The upshot was I ordered clothes from Next to be delivered into their Grimsby
store the next morning, being the build I am (fat sod size) the chances of
picking up clothes off the peg is limited. A quick dash to the Tesco’s near my
office straight after work to get underwear, socks and thank goodness it’s near
Xmas for I got a travel shaving bag. I bought a jumper to get me by. I’d
already booked myself into my usual hotel in Grimsby for the Saturday night and Pete & Tara had
kindly offered me a room for the night on the Friday, they had previously
invited me to a party they were having on the Friday night, originally I’d
declined, little did I know I’d be over
for it.
Around 9pm I
arrived at Tara & Pete’s and the
party was in full swing, again another first without Julie, I felt like a fish totally
out of water but I was made warmly welcome by everyone, I knew just three
people Pete, Tara and Tara’s daughter Sommer. I’ll confess to being a miserable
sod for the night but I did try to get involved, it is just so hard, Tara’s mum
knew Julie and of course wanted to share with me about what a marvellous person
Julie was and to give me her condolences. A short while later someone was
talking about a loved one they had cared for who had lost their battle with
cancer, I had to excuse myself and I thought I’d discreetly ‘disappeared’ up to
‘my bedroom’, I can’t do the party thing, I’m clearly not ready for this &
I’m probably better off just sloping off and staying out of the way. A young
lady I’d been introduced to Maxine, she had seen what had occurred and was
perceptive enough to realise I’d sneaked off and why, she was suddenly calling
me and knocking on the bedroom door to ask if I was ok, she realised what had
occurred and coaxed me back downstairs, how thoughtful of her, we’d never met
before. I lasted about an hour and I sneaked off to bed, this time I wasn’t
coming back down, I was knackered… Saturday morning & my incredible hosts
sorted me out with breakfast; I kept checking my text messages to see if my
delivery had arrived at Next, shortly after it landed and I was on my way with
hugs and handshakes.
Well I
walked out of Next with three parcels of clothes and headed straight to my
hotel to see if I could check in early and do my own fashion show, I called the
family to let them know I was in town, I took a bit of a flyer too, I messaged
my hand holding friend from the weekend before, although I said I wouldn’t
chase her and she hadn’t messaged me, I prefer clarity in a situation and well,
was there some hope? I’d be daft not to ask for she was beautiful. I asked if
she wanted the missed coffee or lunch or dinner, I did get a reply but it
basically said she was still very much in love with her husband and wouldn’t
meet me for she’d feel even that would be a betrayal, lol lord knows what the
week before’s ‘brief encounter’ had been. I thanked her for her reply and
wished her well; it seems I wasn’t to strike gold twice in Grimsby…
I saw Emma,
Aaron, Vicky, Bob and all of the grandchildren on Saturday and Sunday, by then
I knew Julie would have been proud of us all, some conversations were tough
especially the ones of how we are missing Julie/Mum and the impact that is
having on our lives, even on how it had since we broke the news in 2013. I met
up with dear friends & Julie’s old neighbours Janice and Ian on Sunday and
enjoyed a Sunday lunch of a tasty stew at their invitation. Janice had been at
the funeral with her Daughter Louise, they were amazing friends as well as
neighbours. Ian hadn’t been able to make
it to the funeral because of work commitments so it was good to meet up with
him. Late Sunday I drove home in some hostile weather conditions, despite
seeing several crashes I did eventually make it home, as soon as I pulled up
outside the house I was mortified, ‘our’ bedroom light was out, I had left it
on, ‘Julie’ was in the dark… Normally I’d have sat dreading going in but I ran
into the house before I unpacked the car and put the light on, I apologised to
the purple carrier bag being guarded by Winston, it’s irrational I know..
Corrinna had been over on one of her house checking trips and she wasn’t to know but she’d turned
the light off, she felt terrible when I explained, she wasn’t even aware that
Julie’s ashes were here.
I emptied
the car, a trip to the laundry room on the top floor, a shower and it was
bedtime for me.
Every night
or time (no I’m right, Night) I pull up outside the house the feeling of dread
is all consuming, I’m deliberately working until gone seven and often gone
eight most nights so my time in Shute Manor is limited, I’m not sure how much
longer I can continue doing this, the only exception is Wednesday nights when
as a thank you I often take Corrinna out for dinner, I can hear you saying “he
mentions her a lot, this is going to lead somewhere”, It’s not, we’ve kind of
had ‘the discussion’ we’ve become great friends but it will never be more.
I’ve still
only had one weekend at home since Julie left me, mainly deliberately for it
hurts being in the place; this coming weekend is no exception and I’ve
previously arranged a weekend trip to Northern Ireland where I have family,
I’ve got quite an affinity to Northern Ireland, I truly feel if I was
financially fixed ok I could live over there, having been christened there and
my father’s Irish blood in my veins I feel so at home, a lot of that is down to
family though especially my Cousins in particular John & Chris and their
mum, my god mother Patsy, I’d better mention Linda & Brian too or I’ll be
in serious trouble and I can’t omit Caroline, Chris’s wife too. This amazing
woman has been through the wringer this last year and she has been so kind to
me and to Julie both this year and in the past, some people you wish you’d
spent more time with in life, Caroline is one of those, Julie only met her a
couple of times but she really liked Caroline, Chris & John, C&J
visited Julie you’ll recall from a previous blog, it was one of the times that
the finality of Julie’s situation came to the surface as we all said our
goodbyes as they swapped trains to get a flight home, Julie knew it was the
last time, I knew it was the last time….. More tears then, more tears now as I
type this….
So Friday 13th
and I’m flying to Belfast and there’s a storm heading into Ireland and England,
the landing was fun… John met me and
drove me back to his swanky penthouse apartment, but first we
would head to
Chris & Caroline’s despite the late hour. On the way we chatted and he was
filling me in with the plans for the weekend, tomorrow night Patsy is taking
the whole family out to dinner including me, I think I lost count at 22, her
children and all of the grandchildren too. John added “You and I are going into
Belfast clubbing after dinner” Ha, I’m 59 John is 55 and we are going
clubbing.. the younger ones of you will understanding the text speak of FFS!
Haha. This is one of those times when you’ll never forget ‘where you were
when’.. for tonight the news is filled
with Paris and the atrocities committed by a bunch of mad-men who achieved
nothing but kill and maim innocents and turn the world against them….
Saturday and
we head out for breakfast, Ha John has been in his new Penthouse apartment for
months but the oven or grill is yet to be used… Breakfast is in his favourite
coffee shop in the village s
quare, you’d never know it was his regular haunt
for the waitress knew what he wanted, though he did shock her with an addition
to his usual breakfast. Afterwards we drove into Belfast which is lovely to
see so vibrant after its ravaged history… We headed back to the penthouse after a late lunch with a friend of John’s to
change and this ‘auld sod’ needed an afternoon nap before we went out on the
town later…
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| No Chance of Breakfast here JW |
Dinner and
catching up with Patsy, my other cousins and family was great, the food was
amazing. John’s son then ran John and me into the City Centre, I’m still not convinced
this was the wisest move but I have to say it was a very much fun filled evening,
slightly eventful too for many reasons.
We ended up
in a I’d call it more of a late night bar, very, very classy playing loud music
with barely a dance floor though there was dancing going on. The Café Vaudeville was a happening place,
clearly a former banking hall this was impressive. I’m not sure I’m up for this
tonight though, we’ll have a couple of beers I thought then I’ll suggest
heading home, ha! Boy am I glad that never happened, I need to enjoy myself
though I’m still feeling guilty for being out and yes I miss Julie like hell.
Anyway, we were drinking
and standing next to five women sat around one of the
round high bar tables, John is talking to one of the women, I’m just taking the
world around me in, there are some gorgeous women out tonight! Suddenly the
woman John is talking to reaches across and taps my wedding ring! I looked at
her and mouthed what? “You’re married” I just about heard her say; Initially I
shrugged my shoulders and thought what’s that got to do with anything? I leant
forwards and whispered into her ear, “Actually I’m not”…. She asked why the
ring then and I explained about losing Julie, It’s not nice to say this is one
great chat up line for I’m not out to chat anyone up but it’s the same reaction
every time, an initial look of sorrow followed by a hug and a kiss and an
apology. It says a lot about the psychology of a woman’s mind though when they are looking for Wedding rings, I truly hadn’t
given my wedding jewellery a thought. Her friend wondered what was going on and
as she explained I get another hug and kiss! The first woman then asked “Why
don’t you wear your wedding ring on your other hand then?” Until this moment my
wedding ring hadn’t been a consideration I’ve worn it every day of my life
since the day we married, June 19th, 2010… I felt uncomfortable even thinking about
taking it off and I wasn’t out ‘on the pull’ as the expression goes. It did
make me think though, shortly after these two ladies left and we took their
seats, only then did I give the ring any thought and I took it off and tried it
on my third finger right hand, it wasn’t happening the finger is swollen and
anyway, I don’t want to take it off my wedding finger yet.. John laughed, for
one of the three girls still at the table had seen this so John informed me, I
looked at her and smiled and so she asked almost in condemnation “Are you
married?” I explained I wasn’t and again had to explain about Julie and yet
again a hug…
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| Café Vaudeville |
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| Yes I bite my nails, yes I've hairy hands hehe |
Today I still wear
my wedding ring with pride though on reflection now I intend to have Julie’s Wedding,
Engagement & Eternity Rings cleaned up and I’ll wear all four united on a chain
around my neck from the New Year.
Anyway we chatted the night away and myself
and this young lady tried to match make John and one of her friends. As they
chatted I headed to the bar to buy drinks and oh my god! I was standing next to
a woman at the bar with her back to me; she was dressed in a beautiful red
dress trimmed with black lace. The barmaid due to the loudness asked me to get
her attention for she’d been served but had her back to the bar too so gently I
tapped her shoulder, I quickly apologised as I pointed towards the barmaid. As
she paid I apologised to this young lady, probably around thirty, my god she
was stunning, it was almost love at first sight, her long black hair
complimented the red of her dress that I think she’d been poured into! She
thanked me for getting her attention then asked if I was having a good time, I
have to admit this time I played the recently widowed card, she looked at me
quizzically and said “for real?” I nodded and this vision of beauty hugged and
kissed me telling me how sorry she was.. I told her I didn’t want her pity, lol
I’ll take the hug though! She laughed and hugged me again, in the loudness she
wanted to know more and I told her the basics and I got another hug. I
explained I needed to get back to ‘my cousin who had dragged me out’ (so glad
right now you did JW!) My newly found friend said “I’m coming to find you, you
and I are having a dance!” I laughed but she was serious, ha! She’s never seen
me dance or she’d never have suggested it (hehe as Julie would have said). I
thought this was the end of our brief but memorable encounter but a while later
she passed our table and told me “Pick your song, you are dancing with me”… I know my limitations and half an hour later
the club lights coming on and the music going off put that notion to bed and ‘saved
me’. My newly found friend spotted me and wagged her finger at me jokingly, I
moved close enough to thank her for her kindness and told her how stunning she
was, I’ve no fear when a lot of men have in front of a beautiful woman and most
I’d ask out if I were of a mind, that’s how I ‘won Julie over’, I don’t fear
rejection but in this instance I didn’t have the wits about me to ask for her
number or if I could see her again, her beauty truly hypnotised me! We said
good night with a hug.. Another Cinderella moment…
I must sound
like some kind of desperate individual lusting after any woman, I’m not,
despite my lack of rugged handsomeness (I think I just made that word up) I
have a clear idea of the type of woman I like, yes looks is a big thing but
personality is equally important, I could add some other attributes too but I
won’t go there… The reality is though I’m not going to find a woman in a
Belfast night club that is the woman of my dreams and future, and I’m still not
100% comfortable with myself right now, this is really screwing my head up; it’s been a great night and well one I’ll
remember for a long, long, time.
The
strangest thing happened outside of the club; as we walked up the middle of this wide
pedestrian area towards a main road a young woman was heading towards me waving and about fifteen
feet from me called my name.. She giggled as she said I bet you wonder how I
know you,? I looked at John who was no help, she then said “I’ve been reading
your blog”.. What the? It’s dark and wet and I’m recognised from the blog in a city miles from my home? I
think not, it turns out this delightful lady had spotted me with John, she is a
good friend of Caroline’s, she had mentioned I was over, my new found friend had seen me with John
who she knew and put two and two together which made four! This woman is stunningly
beautiful too! It was a delight to meet her; she told me she has a friend who
will be perfect for me "When you're ready Andy". I shall see what the future holds but for tonight I’m
just overwhelmed by the kindness and hospitality of the women of Belfast and
their hugs! This has been a fun and unexpected night that was as far from the
night I’d expected could be, thanks again JW..
I slept
contently again, I could still smell perfume on me from the hugs..
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