In Julie's Name, Building a Clatterbridge Legacy

Well I arrived back from Tenerife in the early hours of the morning, later in the day as I always do I glanced through Facebook and Twitter, how our lives have changed thanks to the internet, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I picked up Julie’s iPad and her iPhone, I can see there are messages on the phone, I don’t feel I have the right to listen to them despite Julie leaving ‘all of her worldly goods to me’. If people have left messages for Julie after her death, then they’re clearly not for me. I later read how Emma had seen a new shop and thought Mum would love it and she wanted to call her to tell her about it but then broke down realising she couldn’t, as I said before I have no monopoly on grief Julie’s departure was impacting on a lot of people still and it will for some time. It would be easy for me to cancel Julie’s ‘non-contracted sim card’ and save a few pence but on seeing Emma’s message I messaged that she could call and leave mum a message anytime safely knowing the phone is still live and with my assurance that I won’t listen to the messages, will it help Emma or anyone else who wants to leave a message? I don’t know but I do hope so.

I’d settled down for a coffee, remember from the last blog that I discovered in Tenerife that a certain person who purported to be one of if not Julie’s best friend and who had blocked me on social media? As I drank my coffee I reflected on this, I know Julie’s view would be “any person who can treat Andy like this at this time truly isn’t the friend I thought they were”. Well suddenly it was payback time, I have Julie’s Facebook account under my control now and I scrolled down her friends list, I found the ‘so called friend’ and clicked on the ‘blocked button’… Did I feel better for it? No, but I had to make my point, this matter is now closed from my perspective.

I headed up to Clatterbridge.

You’ll recall too in the last blog that I mentioned the Clatterbridge Cancer Charity Appeal video. On the Monday I returned from Tenerife, rested I drove up to Clatterbridge to hand over the sealed collection box from the funeral, the just giving page in Julie’s memory was over a thousand pounds at this point (today it stands at £2,040) I’d find out later how much we raised at the funeral. I saw dear friends including Karen who had asked me if I'd do the Charity Ball appeal video. As we chatted another team member walked past and said “Hi” I responded likewise, she turned on her heels as I’m thinking “how do you know me?”,  “I’ve just watched you on the TV, she went on to say, 'Marie' introduced herself , “You’re probably going to need one of us to take you out to the bar when the video plays at the ball, it’s very raw & emotional”, lol like I didn’t know that  having featured in it… “I’ll be fine I explained” she wasn’t convinced. Not that I ever consider myself a ‘star’ but as Karen, Chris and I chatted about the video and me getting to preview it Karen lol brought me down to earth with a bump “The real star of that video is the house itself” she giggled. Cheeky sod, but I knew what she meant; the house has some beautiful qualities and reflects Julie’s amazing taste, she and Karen were so in sync.



Julie & Andy's Story shown at the Ball
 Photos reproduced with kind permission of Adam Johns Photography
Appeal Video by Owen Cotterell & Mocha TV

 

The appeal was to raise vital funding for 130 reclining chairs so loved ones could be closer together at hospital bedsides in the under construction new Clatterbridge Hospital being built in Liverpool City Centre, this is an extra site not a replacement. I asked Chris how much the chairs would cost and she confirmed on the night of the ball they were aiming to raise £500 per table for each chair, I told her we as a family would buy the first three chairs, Maureen, Mother.. had kindly and generously told me she would be donating £1,000,I would donate £500 on behalf of myself, Emma & Aaron, only 127 chairs to go…  Karen said “Can you imagine the response if we announce this at the ball?”

Later that day I watched the video, around five hours of filming and setting up had been expertly edited down by Owen and his team at Mocha TV to create a touching but powerfully heart wrenching 3.27 minute appeal, I sobbed as I watched it but felt so proud of it, this had to hit home, this had to raise money for the cause that Julie and I are forever grateful to. I watched it probably 30 times before the ball and I sobbed each time.

I returned to work the next day, I have to confess I cannot settle back in, my mind is full of Julie, the house seems so empty, I’ve developed a hatred for it, it no longer feels like home, it's become just a house now, it’s so empty and I feel its soul left with Julie, I lived here for over a year on my own before I met Julie though in those days my work meant I spent at least four nights a week in hotels so it wasn’t so hard, now it’s heart-breaking to go through the door,  I sob every time I enter it now, I’m avoiding the house the best I can, I stay at my office until late, I’ve even sat outside the house for almost an hour not wanting to go in, there are things that need doing but I’ve no desire or spirit to do them, I’m quite a strong character or rather, I thought I was, right now I can go from OK to sobbing in seconds, I even broke down in front of my boss at work, it’s a struggle and I’m still trying to work out if I am going to need bereavement counselling.

By deliberately staying out of the house until gone 9pm I limit my time awake in the house, I pick up my post that my fast becoming a ‘rock’ in terms of support, my neighbour Corrinna has put on the side for me, most post is for me but the odd letter is for Julie, nothing official mainly junk that I re-post back to the companies by marking as ‘deceased’, god what a horrible expression that seems. So post read, I head straight upstairs and to the laundry room, then to the shower then to bed, the next morning I’m up at six and leaving home by seven and the routine, hamster wheel like continues, it’s ground hog day… I so hate my life and the house right now, the saving grace is Winston, he rests on Julie’s pillow..

The night of the ball and I’d bought a table for ten, I invited dear friends, I invited Hannah & Chris, I invited Rebecca & Mike, dear friends who I’ve never spent enough time with but who were kind enough to take Hannah to Julie’s funeral so I’d reunite them too. You’ll remember ‘Bernie Bucket’, winner of the Woman of Philanthropy award at the Merseyside Woman of the year Awards where Julie was her runner up, Bernie has despite fighting her own amazing battle with cancer and family tragedy fights on and fundraises for several charities including Clatterbridge, the amazing woman has raised over £160,000 for charity, it puts to shame the sum we as friends of Julie have pulled together so far despite it being an incredible effort by us all. Bernie wanted to be at the ball but it was a sell out so on hearing this I invited her to join me on my table. I’d invited a couple, Nicki & her husband; by a chance charity lunch meeting with Julie, Nicki’s kindness shone through, it’s crazy for even today we’ve never met but we chat in social media a lot and I’m so proud to know her, her kindness during Julie’s illness I’ll never forget, so this was a chance for us to meet, Nicki is a huge supporter of Clatterbridge too, I think often ‘under sung’.. I’d invited friends Pete & Tara and that made up the ten of us. Ha, as the clock ticked down towards the event Nicky asked me did I have any spare seats on my table as she had a dear friend & her husband who wanted to come too, by a bizarre coincidence shortly after Pete & Tara had to pull out so I extended the invitation to fill the two seats to Nicki for her friends, Debbie & her husband Mick. The ball is just two days away and Nicki’s daughter is very and worryingly ill in hospital and undiagnosed, it was a worrying time and rightly but unfortunately Nicky had to pull out of the ball, thankfully Debbie’s brother  Brian and his wife Cathy stepped in and the table was finally full.

The night of the ball, a posh black tie affair at the plush Titanic Hotel in Liverpool approached. As I got ready, as I looked in the mirror at me all suited up I couldn’t help but ask “Why aren’t you here with me lady?” I’ve not attended a function in years without proudly having Julie on my arm looking stunning, her having her amazing head turning dresses on, tonight I’d be alone even though with friends, this wasn’t going to be an easy night for me.

Bernie & I share a joke, Hannah looking on

I arrived with Chris & Hannah and we were soon joined by Bernie, The Clatterbridge ladies were saying hi, all these women looked stunning, Chris and I looking like boring bookends in our Dinner Suits. Chris who had commissioned the video came over, she smiled and hugged me, introduced me to the official photographer who suddenly wanted pictures of me, I’m normally behind the camera not in front of it. My guests want to know what’s occurring, I’m not letting on..

If there is an upside to my life since Julie left me it’s that I’ve been hugged and kissed by so many women, many of them stunning since I’ve lost Julie, people are so kind but I’d give up every single kiss & hug to have Julie back..

Chris asked me to accompany her into the main function room to meet our compere for the night, Paul Crone, Paul works for ITN’s Granada Reports. All the way in Chris was kindly checking that I was ok, she introduced me to Paul, he welcomed me warmly, he’d seen the video and was stunned by my ability to have pulled and held it together, he’d not have thought that had he been there for the filming…  He explained the video would show and he’d then call me up so I could show off the rolled up giant cheque for ‘our three’ chairs and for a quick chat before the appeal began. I found our table then wandered back out to my guests, the room was stunning, tonight was going to be special.

Not long after and myself and my guests, along with everyone else were called in to take our seats. I finally got to meet Debbie & Mick also Cathy and husband Brian, everyone was intrigued by my rolled up large piece of paper but I’m not telling, next the official photographer is back and wants some posed pictures of me and asked would I like pictures taken with any of my guests, more questions as to "What's going on Andy?" I invited Chris and Hannah over for a picture opportunity, this young lady is stunning, don’t take my word for it, judge for yourself…

Chris, Hannah & me
Picture by Adam Johns Photography

Dinner was divine, we were fast approaching the fundraising part of the evening, firstly though Chris brought over an amazing young lady to meet me, Becky. Becky had been treated for cancer at Clatterbridge, she was to present her story just before my video played, she asked to meet me, the honour and privilege was all mine, this is one special lady. Becky was so nervous but determined to do her part, for any of you reading this that hasn't done it , to stand up in front of a room full of strangers for a first time is daunting unless you do it for a living.

Now it was time for the charity auction, Clatterbridge Patron Actor Daniel Craig had donated a signed leather Jacket that he had worn in the soon to be released Bond movie ‘Spectre’, he also donated separately two tickets to the forthcoming movie premiere. There was a French Chateau holiday, one of Wayne Rooney’s boots signed and the promise of a personalised message, numerous pieces of Liverpool FC memorabilia; the list was endless and bidding/competition was fierce, the Bond premiere tickets I think went for around £7,000! The generosity in the room was incredible; there were some wealthy people and organisations in the room I thought to myself and the Sales Manager/Negotiator in me recognised not everyone who had raised a bid had won a prize, I want their money, Clatterbridge need their money…

Auction over and I lost count of the sum raised so far but it must have topped fifty

My amazing new friend Becky - Cancer knows no age boundaries

to sixty thousand pounds! Paul introduced Becky to the stage, what an amazing lady, she was clearly emotionally charged but what an amazing job she’s done, the applause was almost deafening, then the screen lit up, there was the intro into our section, Debbie must have heard me gulp as the video rolled and she reassuringly put her hand on my knee, how do women have the ability to be so perceptive? Gradually the noise of the applause for Becky faded and the odd voice faded as people listened to ‘our story’, this was emotional but I managed to hold my composure, as the film clip appeal ended you could hear

a pin drop, the jovial party atmosphere had gone ‘flat’. Our compere Paul confirmed I was in the room and invited me up, I’ve never experienced a standing ovation before and I didn’t really warrant this one in my eyes as I made my way through the tables. I reached Paul and he expressed his awe in terms of ‘how on earth did you do that’? As he put the microphone in front of me I felt I had to apologise for ‘ruining everyone’s evening’, I could hear people crying.. I explained my piece of paper, that we as a family (Maureen, Emma, Aaron & myself)  are kicking off the appeal by buying the first three chairs,

I went on to explain 'we' needed money for 130 reclining chairs and that the room was full of generous people, I highlighted a lot had missed out on auction prizes and well my piece de resistance was to say “There are clearly a lot of people in the room tonight well above my pay grade and wealth and we as a family are buying three chairs, please help us help others, these chairs are invaluable”! Someone asked how much are the chairs? £500 was the reply, before the night started I asked Chris what was her target number for tonight, “Twelve chairs” so £6,000 plus our three so £7,500.

I had no idea what was to come, Paul Crone from nowhere came up with the idea of and announced “Tell you what, if you’d like to buy a chair do so on the strength of a handshake, come up and shake Andy’s hand as a commitment to buy a chair”. Where the hell did that come from? was going through my mind, it then seemed like thirty long embarrassing seconds where nothing happened, in reality it was probably nearer five before the first person approached me from my left, I thought we had

 

 

 

collectively ‘blown it’, the gentleman shook my hand and said “Andy, I’ll buy a chair” I thanked him so much, as I turned back to look ahead there were two queues of people wanting to shake my hand, to buy a chair! The generosity was amazing and the emotion was surreal, grown men and women crying as they approached me and shook my hand, I’ve never been so humbled in my life, Paul the compere was counting out

loud, we reached Sixty Handshakes and by definition Sixty chairs in under ten minutes, this was truly, truly, humbling, Becky’s story, The video of Julie & I had achieved beyond everyone’s wildest expectations, I went back to my table in a daze, Julie’s legacy lives on in a staggering way, my guests were so kind in their praise, basically ‘we’ had just raised over £30,000 in under ten minutes! Even as I type this I’m in awe, towards the end of the evening Chris confirmed some others had donated and some bought two chairs, we hit sixty five chairs so £32,500 plus our three taking it to £34,000!!  Later that night The Chairwoman & CEO of Clatterbridge NHS Trust came over and thanked me adding that historically that one of the board normally made the appeal but “We’ve never seen so much money raised so quickly, we said as we watched the video and saw the handshakes that never again will the board front the appeal, it has to be a patient or their family’s telling their story” I had Goosebumps as they spoke, we had achieved something so special tonight. The link to the video is featured below, at the end it asks you and shows you how to donate, yes my begging bowl is out again… As you watch it consider this thought… Imagine you are married for say 25 years or any time if you are as deeply in love as Julie & I were but imagine, you know your loved one is dying soon, imagine your loved one is crying because he/she wants to sleep cuddled up to you like you always have yet suddenly at the time you need to be as close as possible, a single hospital bed prevents you and makes it difficult to hold hands at night even. This is the harsh reality of this beast called cancer and what it does to you as a family. You’ve seen what I did to overcome it, so I’ll beg you, please help me make Julie’s legacy truly mean something, I want to be able to tell her Grandchildren one day that all the reclining chairs in the new hospital were down to Grandma… It asks for £5 or £10 in the video, seriously though if you can just spare £1 enter £1… The blog has been read over 64,000 times now, if every read was a single pound, we would have hit our goal…….

 

Watch Julie & Andy's story (Have tissues ready)

https://vimeo.com/143231709

 

So the impact of the video, I knew how I felt, I was then asked to check over some comments in a blog that Film Producer Owen from Mocha TV was about to publish, please click on his link and see how it impacted on him, Owen followed his kind words up with a donation too….

 

http://www.mocha.tv/2015/10/julie-and-andys-story/

 

It would have been 'so easy' to use Julie's death and funeral as the end to our fundraising commitment to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity but as I told her in the early days of her illness and I'll remind those that knew her in person or got to know her through her blog, we all had Julie with us for at least 18 months longer than we would have done if she had not had Clatterbridge helping her fight 'fluff'.... Julie would have written this were she here to do so, please help me make her proud...

On the night of the Charity Ball the appeal raised I believe a staggering unprecedented £105,000!!, in 2014 it was approximately £42,000, this was awesome but it's not enough to cover ongoing research such as Julie's support for 'Stop the Clock on Cancer' or what we consider luxuries above and beyond what a cash strapped NHS can deliver. Please help Julie and I make a difference, let the NHS money be invested in Doctors & Nurses and regular equipment but cancer patients and their family's deserve more, together we can make a difference . Thank you in advance.

With some very special thanks this time:

To Owen Cotterell & Mocha TV, your filming and editing facilitated the Tsunami of donations.

To Adam Johns of adamjohnsphotgraphy.co.uk  - Thank you for your permission to reproduce and share a selection of the amazing pictures you took on the evening.

To ITV Granada reports' presenter & our compere on the night Paul Crone, your amazing spontaneous idea to 'donate on a handshake' started one hell of a  generous 'stampede'

To Chris, Karen, Marie, Elspeth, Sam and all of 'Team CCC',

To All of my guests at the ball, you made a tough evening for me so special.

To everyone who bought a chair, you left me humbled, truly humbled

To each and everyone of you that has donated so far my sincerest and humble thanks be it £1 or £1,500 (for that's the range of donation sizes) and yes the £1 donation is as significant as the £1,500 one.

 

 

 

EVENTUALLY IT HITS YOU...

The funeral over we headed to ‘The Wake’, I’d chosen the venue where I’d thrown Julie’s ‘Surprise’ (laughs) 50^th Birthday Party. I say surprise for we got in the cab and as I instructed the cabbie where to take us he blurts out “So you going to this surprise 50^th Birthday party then?” I could have killed him, from the back seat the words “You’ve been rumbled Mr Shute” were giggled at me. I tried to keep up the pretence but she’d got me…. So fond memories of a night just over four years ago….. Kind of perfectly highlight's Julie's reasons for wanting to leave Grimsby...  

Today, well I was the last to leave the crematorium and by the time we got to the restaurant I had to make my own parking space (as I do).  I’d called in earlier in the day and put some large framed pictures onto the tables all showing my lovely wife, all in her loveliness and pretty clothes, she really ‘scrubbed up well’ as the saying goes, I know I was a lucky man..

It’s a weird day, I spoke to everyone but at the same time no one, how does that happen? The restaurant was packed, I’d arranged a six dish hot Chinese buffet that everyone seemed to approve of, Julie would have loved it too… The day was just so consuming for me I spent so little time with everyone, I barely got a mouthful of food, it was all such a whirlwind, those that approached and spoke to me were very complimentary of the food, of the funeral ‘service’ of the coach and horses, I’m glad they felt that way though not everybody it seemed felt the same…

All of the grandchildren were here now and they had balloons to let off with their special messages and pictures tied to them for grandma, I knew it was occurring, Emma had previously told me and I saw the balloons being prepared but I don’t recall anyone telling me they were about to be released, purely by fluke I went out to the car to get the journal to show Julie’s Cousin Maria and her husband Simon. I’d had quite an in depth conversation with Simon, I hold him in high esteem, from a business background too we kind of get each other I think, he shared his concerns with my need to express my view on people not having visited Julie, to a degree he had a point for by definition,  some who had visited Julie still didn’t feel it was enough and took my comments to heart, I understood, I knew I was never going to please anyone other than myself with raising the topic but other than writing about it to a wider audience here I have truly let this go now and let’s face it there is no going back anyway. No one though other than Maureen and myself had to suffer the pain of hearing Julie asking why some people weren't visiting her or how she so much 

Grandma's Balloons

wanted to see people.

So on heading out to the car the grandchildren and children are there being watched by friends and family letting the balloons go, this next piece/event is hard to write and were I so embittered I’d throw names in here but those that were close to Julie if they haven’t already heard this will know, those that don’t know us that well, well names are irrelevant, I’m raising the subject for it fits in with the blog title and all I’d say to any of you is read this, consider this and then decide if you’re ever in this position how you will treat people and how you cope with your own grief or how you consider other's grief, I have to respect this lady's right to express her grief or anger towards me in a way she seems fit..

So three of what I thought were ‘our friends’, you’ll recall my last blog about ‘friends’, these people I classed as ‘our friends’. I’d spent no time with them during the day, hey, I’d been busy, I saw little of people as per above, I saw everyone and I saw no one. I went over to the three of them and to one (who Julie would have told you was one of her dearest friends) I just said “Hello Missus, are you not talking to me?” It was said in partial jest but I didn’t recall talking earlier, I was gobsmacked by the one word response of “No”… I muttered something like “ok then” and walked off to my nearby car to get the journal thinking “What the ….” What Was that about? The other two friends were fine with me. Today was no time to have arguments or to push issues though but the one thing I did know was I had no clue as to why I was ‘being blanked’. I watched the balloons head west; almost it seemed Liverpool/Wirral bound. I went back into the hotel restaurant and shared the journal with Simon & Maria. Slowly people were heading off now, it had been a long day for everyone, some had travelled from afar and going back in the same day, I hugged and kissed so many people but right now I couldn’t name one of them. Gradually I hugged and kissed the stragglers which were all family saying I’d see them soon and I’d be in touch, these are the hardest goodbyes.

Casper, Annelies, Jeanette and I headed west; it was subdued in the car as we were homeward bound, I’m not sure how I felt, was this going to bring me closure? Would I be able to just move on with my life now?. I knew the answer would be no, not yet for I still have to collect Julie’s ashes and we as a family need to respect Julie’s wishes on her final ‘resting place’. As I drove I tried to figure out what had occurred to upset a once dear friend to the point that today of all days she wasn’t speaking to me. Julie had said to all of her family and I suspect to her closest friends too, “Please look after Andy when I’m gone” so, even more of a reason to not ostracise me like this, it really ate away at me initially. I’m truly stunned by this; I thought we were friends too…. I have to accept I’m not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’, I also have to accept that we all grieve differently but I feel out of this close friend’s rejection that I’ve been perceived to have failed Julie and that hurts, as I can reflect back now as we are two month’s on, I’ve no regrets over how I cared, loved and fought for Julie from the moment we discovered she was going to succumb to ‘fluff’, was I perfect before that? I’d answer no, I have my many faults, on rare occasions Julie would say to me “I love you dearly, but right now I don’t like you” but our relationship was special and it was solid. Early tomorrow morning I’m flying to Tenerife for a week to get my head around things and to evaluate my life as it is and what do I want to do with my future, I’ve not had time to truly consider me for well over a year, besides a long weekend in Jersey in 2014 I’ve not felt the warmth of the sun, I need all of this to help me reflect, I hoped I would come back with all of the answers and a plan.

Tenerife was lovely, not many people realised this was the last place Julie & I had actually holidayed together in late April as she became ill in the July, there were no clues then, I actually invested in a two year ‘time share’ kind of deal, I smile now as Julie watched me in full negotiation mode with the resort rep and then his manager, her words of “How on earth did you pull that off?” make me smile today, it was truly

sad though she never got the benefit of the deal though I rescued some of my investment with this holiday, shame due to a lack of holiday’s I’m going to lose the rest… I already thought I’d ‘lost the deal’ for I signed the contract in April 13, during Julie’s palliative pathway stage something was niggling at me about the contract for we were beyond the two year deal period. I dug the contract out after Julie had left me and was pleased to see it (the contract) hadn’t come in to force until 1^st January 2014!

As the taxi drove me to the resort I was wishing Julie was with me, I wasn’t here for fun even though it was a break, I can’t see me having any fun for the foreseeable future, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t going to be a doom and gloom break, Julie would have wanted me to move on, I’m not sure if I’ve previously mentioned it but even in the last eight weeks of her life she tried to ‘match make’ me with a mutual good friend, she was ever thoughtful to the end, you’d think in the knowledge that you’re dying the focus would been all about herself, but no her only concerns were for me, ‘our families’ and where her funeral would be held.

I visited a lot of the places Julie and I had been to, I went on a whale & dolphin watching boat trip as I had with Julie, I smiled as I recalled her joy and excitement as we saw dolphins swim under our catamaran and two pods of whales close by, Julie was so easily pleased…

My second night here and a friend messaged me to ask how I was, she mentioned a face book conversation about the funeral and the balloons, it was obvious the person who posted it was making a point by praising the family but 'ignored my contribution' the friend felt the need to comment in my defence. I hadn't seen this conversation on Facebook, I'd missed little for there are so many nice comments appearing all over that of course I'm reading and touched by all of them. I searched for this thread and I couldn't find it so I searched for the person's name who had posted it, I couldn't find her, the realisation that not only had I been snubbed at the wake but I had now been blocked on Facebook by her too! What the hell was going on, I was furious, I felt now like I'd been stabbed in the heart, this hurt, truly hurt. I posted a rant on Facebook but  of course the person who had blocked me wouldn't see this for of course I'm now 'blocked'.... I'm still clueless as to what I've done or not done.....

My main considerations for when I got back home and was seeking answers to mainly revolved around the house, ‘Shute Manor’ as Julie had named it. Put simply it’s too big for me, I live 43 miles from my office, my annual diesel bill is around £5,000 a year, on top of that another £700 in tunnel fees, it is logical to move east towards my office. Because of my work hours I know less than a dozen people locally and I’d class just three of them as friends. I came to the conclusion that unless I had a reason to stay here by the end of the year then I’ll put the house on the market, it’s not the memories of Julie dying there, I truly wanted us to be together in our home as she slipped away, once she realised I wasn’t going to be upset by this and wanted it to be this way she was at ease with it all too, I actually told her in hospital not to worry about that for I’d sell the house after she finally ‘left me’.

What about me? What was to be for me? I’ve had two years plus knowing Julie was going to leave me sooner than we wanted, I don’t do being alone well, I don’t have loads of mates, I’ve never been the ‘all the guys on a night out type’, I’ve always felt more at home in women’s company than men’s and again due to working away I know few women in Birkenhead or anywhere else if it comes to it plus questions ran through my mind like “Is it too early to move on? Will anyone want to spend time of any kind with a fifty-nine year old? I appreciate I’m not the rugged good looking handsome type, too many times in my life I’ve been told “you’re a lovely man Andy, but…(not my type)”, Even Julie told me after a couple of months of seeing each other “You do know that you and I will never be anything other than friends don’t you?”, yes I know my strengths are once people realise what’s behind the face, the problem is and I saw a quote recently that said “Any man can treat a lady right for one night, but it takes a great man to treat her right for life”. My response to this is (and you’ll say well you would say this Andy) From my experience and listening to others a lot of women are attracted to the handsome, chiselled chinned, rugged good looking type of man yet so many then become bitter because the men are, ‘excuse my language, Bastards’, they’ll use you and walk all over you, you think you can change them to be the man you want them to be, loyal, loving, committed to you and yet judging by a lot of comments I’ve read recently it ends in disaster and upset for you, meanwhile the guys that aren’t so good looking, the guy in the club or pub that you’d never talk to or fancy even if he was the last man on the planet is the guy who is craving to worship you and make you happy and content, Julie called me her frog prince… anyone who knew Julie and knew of us knew she had the happiness and security in a relationship she’d always craved.. There are some beautiful single women who read this blog, I’ve been fortunate to meet many of you, not for me but on behalf of all ‘frog princes’ I’d say “Your looks and their looks (the rugged handsome types) will one day begin to fade, the fidelity of these hunks is likely to be questionable, seriously get to know the ‘frog princes’ and then decide do you want one night of being treated right or a lifetime?”

The dilemma for me is when if ever is the right time to move on, I’ve no desire to step into a full blown relationship so soon after losing Julie, many of you will say I’m being disrespectful now even contemplating this area of my future, I certainly will not sully our memories by doing this even lol if any of you beautiful women would consider me, Julie cannot be replaced, what we had was special, so special and so unique but at the end of the day I’m human and in the grand scheme of things at 59 my time and romance options are limited. I miss the affection and closeness of romance as opposed to love, without overstating the obvious what Julie and I had for over two years was our deep seated love for each other, yes we hugged and kissed and told each other probably twenty times a day that we loved each other (and meant it) but understandably things were ‘different’ to how they were pre her illness, the turmoil I have in my head is wanting what I crave and miss versus respecting the memory of my darling wife.

I flew home thinking I had most things worked out; it fast became apparent that wasn’t so but more on that in another blog.

As I walked into the house in the early hours of the morning, I sat in Julie’s reclining chair in the dining room window; I looked at the pile of post Corrinna had kindly brought in for me. I felt the emptiness of the house, I looked at my favourite framed picture of Julie that was on the dining table and sobbed as I asked her again “Why did you have to leave me, why?” The realisation that this was my future hit me like a ton of bricks, I took the picture to bed with me and Julie, Winston and myself were 'reunited' as I cried myself to sleep….

 

 

 

 

 

Time To Say Goodbye

Monday 28^th September 2015, without doubt this is going to be the toughest day of my life, mine and many others, including Emma, Aaron & Julie’s Dad Bob, that’s not to say its exclusive to us, I often wonder of the impact on George, Julie’s first husband for example, Julie and George always remained friends, we pretty much saw him and his family every visit and he brought Bob over to see Julie in her last weeks too, whatever the differences and the time gap these must be hard times too. I’m not going to turn this into a list or league table of whose grief is greater than someone else’s the reality is Julie was loved by so many, her death has impacted on so many and saying goodbye today is going to hurt for a lot.

I’ll add a slight warning on content at this stage, I’ve no desire to offend but as the blog is a realistic representation of the day and I tend to include pictures for most blogs, today’s will be no exception. I’m including an image of a casket very similar to Julie’s; it is from a supplier’s site (Yes although I didn’t you can buy almost anything on the net including caskets). There is also a poignant photograph taken by someone outside the crematorium after the funeral, again I think it is tasteful and worthy of inclusion but read on in the knowledge that today’s blog is no ordinary blog…

Julie’s Funeral is scheduled for 1.40pm at Grimsby Crematorium, I am up early taking in the magnitude of the day ahead of me given I’ve no speech/sermon/eulogy, I need to make this work, I’ve chatted through in my head as I shower and dress to get an idea on the time line. There is forty minutes from the time Julie enters the Crematorium until the last person leaves, I’m working on up to ten minutes to get people in and settled twenty minutes for the service and ten minutes for us to exit.

I still had things to do to ensure the day went to plan so I called Jen’s room and asked if she was ready to go down to Breakfast and five minutes later we were downstairs, I asked the receptionist to let me know when the twenty red roses had been delivered but to keep them somewhere cool, I also asked if I could extend our checkout times for I didn’t want to suit up yet, knowing me I’d end up wearing my breakfast. Julie has requested everyone come brightly clothed as if to party yet I was wearing a suit, a light coloured one admittedly but still a suit. The reason? Well Julie’s favourite film of all time was ‘Pretty Woman’ she often made the reference to feeling special if I turned up in the early days to meet her straight from work 'suited up' or If I arranged to meet her anytime at a train station if say we were going down to Maureen’s, rather than me driving home from Bolton then down to Birmingham it was easier to get Julie to get a train to Stoke, Stafford or Crewe and for me to pick her up on the way, I’d be on the platform suited up, and it made her feel so special, past boyfriends had never had reason to wear a suit except maybe a wedding or a funeral, so she felt special, ‘My Pretty Woman’….

I had printed out the order of service’s myself, they were more a token of remembering the day for with no hymns or prayers it comprised the songs Julie would arrive to, that we would reflect to mid service and what we would leave to. Julie had many musical loves including Alicia Keys, our wedding song was ‘Loving you’ by Alicia, we had seen her in concert three times, her music was always on in my car and I found three songs that said it all about Julie for me. The only real song Julie had suggested because she knew how special it was to us both was Take That’s ‘Rule the world’ On another of our gig outings in one show the build up to this song set the hairs on the backs of our heads on edge, the atmosphere was electric it was a special moment for us both, as she lay in her hospital bed at home one day it came on the TV and we both cried she certainly lit (light) up the sky up above me, when you read the lyrics below you can perhaps understand why it was one of ‘our songs’

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you

She asked did I want it as the music at her funeral, I didn’t know then and although so poignant and so relevant, when the time came for me to plan today I didn’t feel this was for a funeral, I’d played it at home and yes I sobbed, I don’t want to break down at Julie’s funeral, I need to keep my composure, I play Rule the world most days now and yes weeks on I still cry each day to it in the privacy of my car…

Back to the order of service, I’d added a picture of Julie one of my favourites from a new years eve in the lake district three years ago, she looked stunning and was on form that night, she knew when she looked good…

It mentioned the interlude and it mentioned Aaron reading Julie’s favourite poem, ‘Nooligan’ by Roger McGough. Aaron had second thoughts about reading the poem, in some ways I was glad he had, he had his family to look after and whilst I am sure he would have done a fantastic job this was tough to stand up under the circumstances of today.

So, a flavour of what was to come for you or rather maybe what wasn’t to come..

I had to take the orders of service to the Funeral Directors so they could deliver them to the crematorium in advance. It was also a chance for me to meet our Funeral Director Andrew, we had spoken on Friday just to run through everything, we had a ‘debate’ about any flowers that arrived, his view was they could not refuse deliveries despite my specific instructions to the team previously, I told him that I would see him on the Monday and had anyone gone against my wishes or was trying to circumvent them as he couldn’t comply with my wishes I told him I would take ownership of any on my arrival upon meeting him and I’d bin them myself. I told him I would hold up the funeral too if they arrived with any, I wasn’t joking in this regard, I truly felt very strongly on this subject. To assure no one sent flowers…

So although Julie would be leaving from Cleethorpes I had to meet the team at their Grimsby Office, Cleethorpes is a satellite site, Cleethorpes is tiny versus Grimsby. I arrived at the offices and was greeted by Sue who I’d previously met and made the arrangements with and then met with Andrew, this was a great ice breaker for me and it meant I knew who I would be looking for at the Crematorium. We chatted through and he wanted confirmation that no one would be following Julie on her final journey from Cleethorpes to the Crematorium. It’s only a couple of miles and I wasn’t bothering with ‘official limousines’, the price of these is scary and for basically a short journey not value for money or necessary given the size of the town, Limousines may have been fine when car ownership was a scarcity but nowadays almost everyone has a car.. There was another reason; I’d arranged something very special for Julie’s final journey, her final entrance and exit. Julie somehow seemed to make a statement when she walked into a room on a night out, she knew how to dress and she had some beautiful designer dresses, she had class and she turned heads I’m proud to say, she loved the attention and today well I hope she was looking down as she witnessed her own arrival, she would have been so proud..

So all the formalities completed as Emma, Bob, the twins and Olivia lived just two minutes away I called Emma and invited myself around for a coffee, I needed hugs off the family too, today was going to be tough on us all and well, although a slight understanding of the day and the twins were coming to the funeral Olivia wasn’t, she would join us afterwards at ‘the wake’.. Olivia is so affectionate to me as always and she wants to tell me everything, If I ever need a distraction in my life it is Olivia or as I call her ‘Ollipop’, the hug says it all really… We all chatted about everything and nothing it was just good to be with part of ‘my family’, All the children are going to be releasing pink balloons after the funeral with their own notes and pictures to send to grandma, Ollipop wants to know does grandma have a remote control to catch the balloons bless her…. Eventually I had to go back to the hotel and get changed, driving along I am still going through my words in my head, I had to get this right, I had to do Julie proud..

At the hotel the flowers have arrived, they look beautiful; I shot up to my room and changed then packed. I looked in the mirror, I knew Julie would be smiling as I met her on this journey..

There is a growing level of tension with everyone dressed up and the clock ticking, the butterflies were starting to take over my heartbeat. As a distraction I thought I’d take the cases out to my car and pack them, seems everyone saw this as the cue that we were leaving. It wasn’t too early so I just went with the flow, Casper, Annelies & Jen were in with me, the rest of the family organised themselves and followed us as we left the hotel, yes I had remembered the roses too, I gave them to Nigel to look after & hand out as the service ends.

The road into the crematorium is about half a mile long, it’s a dead-end ending in the crematorium car park and the crematorium entrance gates were just off that. I’d asked everyone to gather by the gates not at the crematorium, I had my reasons.

When we arrived the main car park was full, a combination of the mourners at the funeral in front and judging by the number of people Julie was getting some send off. We parked on the grassed overflow car park and I had barely walked two feet and was being greeted by friends, I walked over to Aaron & Vicky, both so composed. We hugged and chatted and as I hugged and chatted made my way halfway across the car park whilst chatting to Vince, Denise and their family, Karen suddenly looked at me and said “Horse & carriage?” I looked at her and said “Pardon?” in my head I was thinking how the hell did you know? I’d told no one but Nigel, I said “Yes, what made you say that?” she pointed up the long drive; two black horses were coming into view getting larger and more impressive with every trot. At this point at the crematorium gates, Mum was saying to Nigel, “I wonder what surprises he has in store for us” she was recalling my conversation of the night before and I think dreading what I was going to do or say today.. Nigel said “Here’s your first surprise Mother” as he pointed up the road towards the ever nearing horses. The buzz was incredible as the horses and glass carriage loomed closer towards us, the lady was making her final entrance in a style most befitting, I walked towards the road to greet Julie, the horses were magnificent, huge but class, purple plumes of feathers on their heads and drapes coloured purple too, Julie’s favourite colour by coincidence. As the coachmen stopped the horses the sight although sad and emotional was incredible, her wicker casket that I’d had fresh ivy woven into the side this morning and topped with the lillies Julie’s dad had wanted looked so stately. No one would forget this final arrival, the lady had turned heads again, I felt so proud at the magnificence of the occasion for my darling wife and that I had kept it a secret.

 

I spoke with Andrew the funeral Director in all of his formal wear, I asked Nigel to pass me one of the Roses and handed it to Andrew. He asked could I retain it until the horses pulled up outside of the crematorium itself. The weather up until now had been overcast but as if on cue too the sun came out.. We briefly chatted and then I led the mourners in behind the magnificent carriage, Julie’s last few yards I would be with her and we would accompany her the fifty yards into the grounds. Some people were waiting at the crematorium entrance, they’d missed the grand entrance down the drive but they had a prime position to see the majestic horses and the carriage, the comments were simply ‘Wow’…. A slight delay for the funeral in front of us was still in progress, Andrew’s team had to prepare to remove Julie’s casket from the glass carriage. I gave Andrew the red rose to place upon the casket. Andrew also needed to introduce me to the crematorium staff for as I was taking the service I needed to be shown which buttons to press and when and which buttons not to press for the music, for the curtains…

Not everyone here today knew me and many had no idea I was taking the service either so there was a bit of a buzz too as people wondered what was going on. The crematorium Manager came out to me and Andrew, we shook hands and went through to the lectern area and I was briefed… On walking back out we needed to get the formalities underway and as the team raised Julie’s magnificent but simple casket to their shoulders Andrew asked me to lead the casket and mourners in, I grabbed my mother’s hand she was looking almost forlorn, I couldn’t see Nigel around and I needed some moral support too so we walked in ahead, I checked she was ok and sat her in the front row I invited Julie’s dad to sit next to Maureen, Emma and Bob and the twins sat front row too just in front of me. As the other mourners came in the first Alicia Keys ‘Not Even The King’ played right through and the team set it off again. Have a listen to the words if you get chance, it typifies the love Julie and I had for each other, a love gold or jewellery or a crown could not buy…..

I took this opportunity to look over at Julie’s casket, I’m imagining per her words that

Catalogue image

she’s standing beside me, I so hope she can see all of this; in my head I’m saying” you’d have loved this hunny, it’s your day lady” …the freshly woven ivy around the casket, the material, it was all very rustic and it seemed to soften the harshness of the day. I was clueless to how many would be here today, I knew people had travelled far and wide, Taiwan, Netherlands, Scotland, Warwickshire, Derbyshire, County Durham, Cheshire, Lancashire from the south of England and from Merseyside, I’m guessing there were around 130 people here to help celebrate Julie’s life for that’s what she wanted, a celebration, not for people to mourn and upset themselves though inevitably tears would be falling today.

The brightness of the clothes was a magnificent sign of respect, Xena, June and Letty were in their 50’s style dresses that Julie so loved and in fact she was wearing one of her own Vivian of Holloway vintage style dresses today and yes, she had her glasses with her…

 

I stood facing the never ending line of friends & family arriving, so many the Crematorium Management set 'Not Even The King' to play through a second time..
As the doors closed and everyone was seated I was ready, well as ready as I was ever going to be, I’d got two more ‘surprises to deliver’. I welcomed everyone, this was the part I’d been dreading how to start this off but it just flowed. Starting with “Well I’m sure you‘ll agree that was some entrance”… I then introduced myself and explained why I was taking the service, Julie did not want a religious service and my experience of humanist funerals left me feeling Julie deserved better than that..The bottom line was everyone in the room knew something about Julie but no one knew ‘everything about Julie’ like I did though even in the last week she had surprised me twice, one was the depth of the words she had written for me in my journal they didn’t mean a lot to me when she gave me the journal a year earlier, but I’m sure you’ll agree they were so poignant and so right for this time, she had clearly thought the future out. The other surprise although for me lovely it will remain between Julie and myself until and beyond the day I die…..

So intro’s done, explanation given I quickly asked everyone to check their phones were off, the only phone left on was to be mine and that was because I’d set a twenty minute timer to ensure I paced my words and that I finished on time, staring at a clock that says twenty minutes and you haven’t anything written down will seem like an age to fill. I’d started it as soon as I got to the lectern.

Well here we go and the first surprise, I am still inwardly annoyed at those who failed to heed or take the opportunity to visit Julie including some who had promised to come and see her next week and of course the next week became next week and in the end they missed their opportunity. I wasn’t going to major in on this but it was going to be said… I thanked everyone for coming and welcomed them, I thanked them for dressing brightly per Julie’s wishes. There were few gaps so I moved on to say what a fantastic turnout it was for Julie but followed it by adding “Forgive me for seeing the irony in so many of you coming to say goodbye and to stare at Julie’s casket when the reality is she wanted to see you when she was alive”.. I didn’t dwell on it but could imagine Maureen thinking “he wouldn’t let it go”, I suspect several others thought the same….. I finished with “you’re all most welcome and please join us for the celebration & food after”

I moved straight on to talk about how important the 17^th July 1961 was, the day Julie entered this world, I explained how Julie’s family was made up and I made light of some of the fun her brothers had at her expense as children and how they ‘exploited’ the fact she was the only girl, I went on to explain as soon as old enough and the lads started dating they wanted crisply ironed shirts to impress & that Julie exploited them by charging by the shirt. I explained how Phil her eldest brother started to sneak her out to the pub before she was legal to drink, I joked, you’ll be in trouble with your Dad later Phil… I also explained that Julie and her family had lived in half of a building called Stallingborough Manor, and that she was almost ‘to the manor born’, I think that’s why our house became named ‘Shute Manor’.

I went on to explain how Julie discovered boys and that included first husband George who was here today with other family members, I explained about her first marriage being on her 21^st Birthday and she did her own catering, how the marriage brought two amazing children into the world Emma then Aaron and that they in turn had delivered us six grandchildren, “We have six grandchildren” I proclaimed realising my now error I corrected myself, “I now have six grandchildren”, I looked down and amazingly the clock was counting down like mad, it was time for a period of reflection as Alicia Key’s instrumental piece ‘De Novo Adagio’ played, after I pressed the right button on the lectern.

As the song ended I explained I would now be reading the poem, Julie’s favourite poem because it made her smile. There was also an irony here, Roger McGough also Paul McCartney’s cousin was from our peninsula, The Wirral Peninsula.. Little did she know thirteen years ago she would be living in close proximity to her favourite poet..

Nooligan by Roger McGough

I’m a nooligan
dont give a toss
in our class
I’m the boss
(well, one of them)

I’m a nooligan
got a nard ‘ead
step out of line
and youre dead
(well, bleedin)

I’m a nooligan
I spray me name
all over town
footballs me game
(well, watchin)

I’m a nooligan
violence is fun
gonna be a nassassin
or a hired gun
(well, a soldier)

 

I glanced at the timer counting down, the last surprise of the day was I explained Julies final months had been spent with Maureen and others during the day and by me overnight but one ‘person’ was ever present day and night, Winston, her seizure warning teddy bear, her ‘secret holding’ teddy bear. I’d sneaked him in unnoticed, he would be with her to the end but he was coming home with me, one of his cousins would accompany Julie on the final stage of today…. How can a fluffy toy hold so much emotion, the little bugger almost had me crying as I introduced him..

I finished off by explaining how strong, determined and inspirational Julie was and how much of a fight she put up and also how she captured so many people’s hearts and the special friendships she forged with people, I highlighted how she bonded with Gogglebox’s Eve and with Hannah, her partner in crime on ward 26, Hannah was here today……..

I glanced at my timer, just seconds to go, I over ran by eight seconds as I explained it was time for us to say goodbye but there would be no closing of the curtains around the casket, at so many funerals this just causes so much distress, we would file past Julie as the final piece of music started, Alicia Keys ‘That’s when I knew’, it’s a fantastic piece tone wise and it explains the moment you knew you’d fallen in love… I can remember that moment with Julie… I suspect many people will recall the moments they first fell in love..

I took a rose from Nigel and the main family members followed suit. I said my final final goodbye to my soul mate, to the love of my life, to the most amazing woman I’ve ever known or I suspect will ever know.. I stepped away and watched as everyone stopped to admire her casket and to say their goodbyes, I saw and heard Emma breakdown I could feel her pain, I saw Aaron move his lips to the casket to kiss his mum goodbye, he lingered or seemed to for an age, he didn’t cry, Aaron is quite ‘deep and thoughtful’ this wasn’t about tears it was about saying “goodbye Mum”. Julie’s dad bless him, he’s understandably heartbroken, his little girl gone…..It was all so emotional and touching; as people filed by we shook hands and hugged, some lovely comments made about the service and the carriage and the casket…

I’m pleased to report that we were clear of the crematorium in ample time. From my perspective it had all gone to plan. As we exited and gathered in the garden of remembrance where Andrew had set up the collection for Clatterbridge, he’d also explained earlier the horses and carriage would be in the garden too for around thirty minutes after the service. They looked magnificent; I went over and thanked the team and the horses for making Julie’s final journey so special. One of the team handed me a worn horseshoe, it will stay with me forever now.. I walked back over to Mum and Bob, Andrew had brought out Julie’s flowers and they were looking at the lillies. Bob was pleased. Maureen hugged me and said “Well you did it, I thought you were going to bottle it”.. I called her a cheeky sod and she should have more faith but it was a close call……

It was time to move on to ‘The Wake’….

 

Julie Shute 17th July 1961 - 9th September 2015