Merry Xmas? I don’t think so…

Lisa & Julie NYE

It’s been quite a couple of weeks, work has been keeping me occupied, not that I have any choice for I’m out of annual leave until April 1^st 2016, normally I’d have blocked off between Xmas & the New Year for no one wants to see or speak to you in my line of work and in the past it gave us the luxury of being able to grab some ‘us time’ and visit family, we’d often get away for New Year’s Eve, though in our early days together we would throw some party at ‘Shute Manor’. Both being fully qualified chefs though brought it’s tensions and Julie was normally told to go play nice with our friends whilst I catered for (one year) 72 people. The house lends itself to being full and happy, right now it’s not, it’s still dragging me down. The parties came to an end as Julie got to grips with her interior design work, our friends were lovely but slowly Julie wanted to claim the house for herself and the parties ended, I think the happiest New Year’s Eve at home after that was when with no plans one year Julie’s friend Lisa and her then boyfriend decided to come over for NYE and boy did we party, I only ever saw Julie truly drunk twice and this particular New Year’s Day was one of them, we secured tickets for a cracking Cocktail Bar in nearby Oxton Village, and the price

Don't ask...

included free prosecco and food which staff wandered around with all evening, it was some night and Julie was looking her usual gorgeous best, whilst we got a cab for the ½ mile trip there we walked (Staggered) home and as Lisa and her then partner decided to head home later that day Julie (hilariously) could barely lift her head off the pillow bless her. Last New Year’s Eve we went to and stayed at Pollard’s Inn, we both knew there was a good chance this was our last New Year’s Eve together so I wanted it to be somewhere special but also relaxed, I think for the only NYE together we were snuggled up asleep as the New Year arrived… In years gone by the lady would have been dancing the night away but there would be no dancing this year…  Anyway, I’ve jumped ahead, Christmas isn’t here as far as the blog is concerned let alone NYE but I can tell you it’s my biggest dread and it will be the hardest night of the year probably the hardest that I’ll ever endure in my life in being home alone this year…. I’m NOT but I can understand why the suicide rate increases dramatically on NYE (apparently)..

It’s mid-December and my rock of a mate Casper is over from Holland for the second time in under three weeks, Julie, myself and Casper met in Lanzarote the morning after a work related conference ended, we introduced ourselves, agreed we should explore doing business together and a most amazing friendship formed, so much so that Casper in the last year alone(from memory)  I think made five trips over  to see Julie, he was back for her funeral and he’s been back for these two December visits. I’ve few friends that I could shout for support and know I’d get it, it’s a very select club I can tell you but every one of them this year have been there for me(and Julie)and that included Casper, the others I’m not going to embarrass, you know who you are... And I’m forever grateful, singularly and collectively you have made a very difficult year easier to cope with…  Sincerely, thank you.

So, I digress again; the most recent visit saw Casper and myself catch up with dear friends we have also made through business and that included Janice, Mandy & Debbie. We wined and dined the night away in Liverpool City Centre, Janice of Liverpool extraction lives in Spain so she and her husband were visiting family, it’s good to meet up, though yes, a tinge of sadness with Julie being absent but she’s in everyone’s thoughts, she never leaves mine.

The good thing about Casper’s visits are that yes I’m in the house of a weekend and no it doesn’t seem so ‘empty’ , I’ve still only spent two weekends alone in the house since Julie ‘left me’, I still cannot settle in it. I’m not sure if it would be any different were it a ‘normal size house’. Loneliness on losing your soul mate is a living hell that I can tell you, I don’t have many enemies but I would not wish this hollow feeling on any of them.

I mentioned in the last blog how my tears just stream at times, It can be something I see, read or hear that reminds me of Julie, all memories should be happy but as Casper and I wandered around first the Museum of Liverpool separately and later around HMV, my emotions certainly got the better of me. Just walking around the Museum of Liverpool where Julie and I spent so much time showing friends around

has my tears streaming, I’m trying to be discrete and, I’m staying well away from Casper, I’m 59 I shouldn’t be sobbing like a child but I cannot help it. We made it into HMV and suddenly a Xmas song came on, I’d watched my crazy wife suddenly start bopping to a song in stores before, had she been here irrelevant who had been watching she’d have been dancing, swishing her skirt smiling and giggling at me and her mischief ways, I just broke down, this is madness but I cannot help my emotions running away with me time after time, I have absolutely no control over them… By

coincidence this album was then staring at me…  We also wandered up to see the Tower of London Weeping Window of Poppies currently at St George’s Hall in Liverpool, Julie would have so loved this…

I’ve bought all the Xmas presents and I’ve made my plans for Xmas, straight after work I’m driving down to Maureen’s (Mum’s)  to spend Xmas Eve and Xmas day with her, neither of us deserve to be alone this year equally neither of us have reason to celebrate Xmas either, many of you will say Julie & Henry would have wanted us to be happy and to enjoy Xmas even with them not here, if only it was that easy, I can’t blame you for thinking we should just move on and the past is the past but speaking for myself either the love I had and shared with Julie was on a different level to what many of you consider love or you’ve not experienced such a significant loss, we were soul mates, we were together every day, I think in 13 years together we were probably apart less than a dozen days when Julie went home when the grandchildren were born or I was away on one business trip without her, most business trips she would be with me, I can recall one trip to Paris and whilst I attended an exhibition Julie did her own thing including shopping and discovering how expensive Parisian cafe's are, I met up with her, she was grinning from ear to ear giving me a hug and kiss and telling me she loved me then with a glint in her eye proceeded to tell me how in a department store "I got chatted up today by some handsome French Guy, his English was fantastic", she loved to tease and wind me up at times, I didn't do the jealousy thing, I was proud that it wasn't just me that saw how beautiful Jules was but she was always coming home to and with me.. I can tell you though I miss her so much I can physically feel the loss of her.  Yes I know I will in time move on with my life and I hope 2016 gives me that opportunity but for now it just ‘ain’t that easy’.

Xmas Eve morning and I’m up at daft o’clock for work and to load the car up, only some of the presents are wrapped, I’ve had no motivation to wrap them and thought it would be a great way to fill Xmas day at Maureen’s wrapping presents, the paradox being everyone else is unwrapping theirs!

When I made the decision to go to Maureen’s I Called her and asked she book us in to a hotel or restaurant for Xmas day lunch, neither of us would have the desire to cope with cooking and cleaning up after so this was the best option and, we would be in a bustling atmosphere better than sitting at home trying to enjoy. Initially she drew a blank, like Bethlehem everywhere is booked up, I suggested she try The Marriott Forest of Arden Resort and hey presto we were accommodated, it’s not ten minutes from Mum’s, she had never been in before despite it being on what was my late Father’s old Police beat, I’d been fortunate enough to have stayed whilst at a couple of business conferences and still have fond memories including witnessing a rather drunken colleague try to ‘deck’ our then MD, thank god a good friend had faster reflexes and averted a career changing moment, the next day it was hilarious but as it unfurled it wasn’t..

The Drive to Warwickshire was uneventful and it was lovely to hug my mother again and hear of her recent exploits, a dear family friend Celia who has had more than enough to cope with of her own this year has supported us both especially Maureen as they live so close to each other, Celia’s family are all so kind, they've been around to Maureen's several times recently and I know how much Maureen values this special friendship.

Well the Forest of Arden Marriott was incredible, truly spectacular, the restaurant looked amazing, the atmosphere was Christmassy and it turned out lunch was a collection of buffets with hot & cold starters, desserts and an incredible carvery. As Carlsberg would say “If

Carlsberg Did… (Buffets)” yep it would have been this one! I asked for Turkey and beef, I wasn’t paying too much attention so was taken aback by five slices of meat on my plate and I still had to find room for the vegetables too!

 Don’t just take my word for it…..

Soberly, for I won’t drink and drive (I lie, I’ll have up to one beer and that’s it) so today it was lemonade and lime for me… Once home I felt so bloated I had to head to my bed and sleep off this food mountain..   I came down later to finish present wrapping that Maureen had expertly helped with and to watch TV & to be sociable. We also face timed with Emma, Bob and the three grandchildren.  In the main there had been no teary outbursts though my eyes did fill up when I woke and looked out of the bedroom window, there was a Robin on the fence… also once at the Marriott & there was one moment at Mum’s too where the tears filled up behind my reading glasses, I think I

Robin

kept it from Maureen but then again, probably not! To be honest I think we have both coped better with today than either of us envisaged that we would, tomorrow morning it turned out was an entirely different ball game….

I got up Boxing Day morning had breakfast and I was soon to depart for Grimsby where I’m heading to see the family for the next couple of days. I loaded the car up and I came to say goodbye, as I hugged Mum, the floodgates opened, I sobbed a combination of leaving her today, a combination of knowing Henry wasn’t here and the magnitude of missing Julie, I had to turn away and say my final goodbyes, Mum was upset too but I was distraught, I sat in the car and sobbed like a baby, I drove off but was truly overcome with grief at my loss, my first Christmas without Julie, this so hurt… In hindsight I did

By Special Request a pic of Maureen with some special friends....

the worst thing possible I turned on my car radio which picked up the last song I’d played via my iphone, “Someday at Christmas” by Stevie Wonder & Andra day. It’s a (wonderful) new version of an old song so Julie hadn’t heard it but I just knew certain songs we would hear and I’d stand behind her and wrap my arms lovingly around her, kiss her neck and I’d sing (badly) to her as we swayed, this would have been such a song had she been here fit and well. This just made me worse, my journey north was tear filled if it wasn’t the music it was looking at the empty seat next to me and thinking “Why aren’t you here?”, or realising I’m meeting Emma and family later and Aaron and family tomorrow, I’ve said it many times it isn’t just me that is grieving because of Julie ‘leaving us’…  I basically cried from Maureen’s until I got to my hotel in Grimsby, so for almost two hours,  I stopped at a motorway services and grabbed a coffee from a Starbucks Drive through, the girl who served me asked me if I was ok, I tried to smile as I thanked her and said “I’m fine”.. Truth be told I am anything but fine…

The Humber Royal Hotel, my second home of late it seems,  I’m waiting for my invitation to their staff Xmas party (Julie style Hehe), There is one team member here who has been exceptionally kind, the rest are brilliant but one of the Management team Natalie has gone above and beyond and whilst not ‘mates’ I feel we have become ‘friends’ in the loosest sense of the word, we even showed each other our wedding pictures as I sipped a double malt whisky late night on Boxing Day night after I’d been to see Emma, Bob, Chloe, Abbie & Olivia. It was an emotional visit but no tears, I can though feel the pain in Emma’s hug and I’m sure she feels mine, I’ve tried to enter into the Xmas spirit but normally Julie and I would have selected the presents , the children would always have had clothes as would Emma, Julie knew all the sizes etc something I think us blokes struggle with though that said I knew Julie’s fashion style& sense, dress size and her vital statistics I never once bought her ‘tacky’ clothing, I ‘knew’ what she liked, I’m proud of the fact that I knew what made my soul mate feel  loved and the beautiful & sexy woman that she was, how did I know I’d achieved this ‘art’ well I’d have heard about it (in a nice way) had she thought I’d bought her anything tacky. So, back to the Kid’s Xmas presents and for the grandchildren it’s a mixture of some handcrafted one of a kind bracelets and gift cards for Claire’s accessories, Grandma would have shopped better…. For Emma I’m clueless and I bought her a Next Gift card, I’m almost ashamed of my lack of imagination but my heart really hasn’t been in Xmas, I just want it out of the way, the same goes for new Year’s Eve….

Sunday and I just chill during the day before heading to Pete & Tara’s for an hour and then It’s on to see Aaron, Vicky, Abbey, Millie & Evan. As I tried to get inspiration for getting the grandchildren presents Vicky mentioned the kids would like to see Little Mix, sadly Vicky hadn’t realised when arena filling groups like little mix tickets go on sale they sell out in hours, they’d been on sale well over a fortnight, this was mission impossible but eventually with my kind of expertise in buying tickets I found a way and so the kid’s eyes lit up when they knew this was their Christmas gift, Evan I’d bought a sit in dinosaur shaped buggy that Aaron had to assemble with Evan sat in it! Not the easiest task ever.  I was well fed and watered by both families, we laughed and reminisced about Mum, no tears just fond memories.  Back to the hotel and I’m too whacked to even worry about Whisky tonight, somehow over the last week I’ve developed Catarrh and my already sleepless nights are even more so, if it’s not one thing it’s another…..

The hardest part of the weekend is visiting Julie’s Mum & Dad, this is the first time I’ve seen Julie’s Mum since before Julie died, she was too ill to attend her Daughter’s funeral, she has Alzheimer’s and bless her she doesn’t even realise Julie is no longer with us, she doesn’t remember my name it’s “Hello mate, how are you?” then ten minutes later it’s “Are you keeping ok?” then every three or four minutes the same question comes at me almost goldfish memory like.  Bob is finally getting help with putting Julie’s mum to bed, the side effects and impact of such an illness on anyone is so draining and Bob in his 80’s bless him deserves an easier life than this. He too misses Julie Anne as he’d call her or his Jooie.. Life is so cruel. Bob comes to see me out and off as I need to get home, lord knows what today’s journey/traffic will bring weather wise. I said my goodbyes to Julie’s brother Andy, I feel bad, he’s brought me a Xmas gift, I’ve only bought for the younger children this year, this would have been Julie’s ‘job’….  As I drove away I just sobbed and wailed, it came from nowhere but it’s for Bob’s loss and it’s for mine, the harsh reality is that I’m heading home without my Princess beside me, I’ve no idea if or when this pain will leave me, I so want her back….  



 

Merry Xmas Hunny, wherever you are...



 

 

The Tears Of a Clown...

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t cry right now, It can be caused by anything or nothing, the words to a song, The last movie Julie & I watched was our second viewing of it, the re-make of Annie starring Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz and the incredible Quvenzhane Wallis, it’s meant to be a feel good movie, well it is a feel good movie, the soundtrack is great and I have it downloaded to my iphone so it often gets played, it’s mainly cathartic for me with memories of happier times as Julie smiled but then I hear ‘Tomorrow’ and the infamous line ‘The Sun’ll come out tomorrow’, and I realise that’s not going to happen for me and the tears stream down my face wherever I am.  It can be getting ready to go out and I look at Winston ‘standing guard over Julie’ and I end up breaking down with one of the regular questions, “Why aren’t you here with me?” or “Why did you have to be taken from me?” this so hurts. Equally it can be reading the distress that others are suffering too such as Emma, Such as Aaron, as I’ve said before I’ve got no monopoly on the grief and grieving caused by Julie or Mum being taken from us. Sometimes I’m just driving home and I’m overcome with grief to the point of sobbing, it comes with no warning.  I can look at certain pictures of Julie and the tap is turned on..  Corrinna my ‘Rock’ of a neighbour had borrowed one of Julie’s books, inside she discovered a note Julie had left, ‘written’ in 2011 I’d never seen it before, that night when I sat on my bed & opened the note up I read it and sobbed like a baby..  My dear wife & soul mate was so caring in expressing her love, I'm sure there are more notes somewhere...

It's not always about grand gestures but right now it's always about tears

There have been loads of other things to reduce me to tears, Julie loved Robins, she loved all birds coming into our garden and we had an abundance of bird feeders so she could watch them all from her bed in the bay window but her favourite bird was the Robin, truth be told mine too, my side of the family had always associated Robins with the passing of a loved one, one morning I was leaving for work around seven a.m. and a single Robin flew in to the tree nearest the path and was clearly looking at me chirping away, I sobbed and sobbed, I truly broke down, I went down on my haunches, it never moved from its low hanging branch as I sobbed, I actually spoke to it through my tears…. Recently I went into our local Tesco to buy Xmas cards for the grandchildren and children, as I walked the long racks I was suddenly ‘confronted’ with all of the ‘To my darling wife’ cards, the floodgates just opened, I looked a right idiot. Often when talking to friends or occasionally at work business clients who knew Julie would ask things about her and how I’m coping etc and it’s hard not to have to draw a deep breath, gulp and hope the tears don’t start to run, when I spoke to one customer who had met Julie but I hadn’t spoken to in over a year and he was unaware explaining her loss brought me to tears at my desk and colleagues looking at me. The night of the charity  ball as I donned my dinner suit and looked in the mirror I cried, later that night when I got home, I cried.

I had to go into Julie’s handbag earlier this week, I’ve not ventured into it since I think never lol, I’d often be told by Julie when she was well “Get it out of my handbag”, I’d just pass her the handbag much to her annoyance but I’ve always respected her privacy & her hand bag, her wardrobes and chests of drawers. As I picked up the handbag that I’d placed on the back of the rocking chair in the bedroom (you can see it in the appeal video) I’m stood by the bed looking straight at Julie’s ashes, again I felt I was betraying her, again I sobbed and asked “Why did you leave me”, I added “I miss you so much” through my tears and ‘blubbing’…   Everyone tells me it will get better and get easier but I remain to be convinced………

Well it’s Friday afternoon, I’m in my office it’s just a four day week this week having had to take Monday off to collect Julie’s ashes, something had been eating away at me for a couple of days almost like, well, and don’t take this the wrong way for I’m not going mad but it was like ‘Madam’ was chirping in my ear to contact the family, something hadn’t sat right with me the weekend before as I’d said my goodbyes to the family. The upshot was there was something, without going into detail except to say I knew Julie would have wanted me to get back over, she would have had she been here, of that I’m certain. It was almost as if she’d been chipping away at my subconscious, I’m not a believer but on the other side I’m not a total sceptic either, lol the only thing I’d wished was that if it was Julie that she’d have got me to do this on the Thursday for I’m in my office no suitcase, no change of clothes no shower bag, no deodorant and it would add a hundred miles to my journey to drive home and get my gear together. The upshot was I ordered clothes from Next to be delivered into their Grimsby store the next morning, being the build I am (fat sod size) the chances of picking up clothes off the peg is limited. A quick dash to the Tesco’s near my office straight after work to get underwear, socks and thank goodness it’s near Xmas for I got a travel shaving bag. I bought a jumper to get me by. I’d already booked myself into my usual hotel in Grimsby for the Saturday night and Pete & Tara had kindly offered me a room for the night on the Friday, they had previously invited me to a party they were having on the Friday night, originally I’d declined, little did I know I’d be over for it.

Around 9pm I arrived at Tara & Pete’s  and the party was in full swing, again another first without Julie, I felt like a fish totally out of water but I was made warmly welcome by everyone, I knew just three people Pete, Tara and Tara’s daughter Sommer. I’ll confess to being a miserable sod for the night but I did try to get involved, it is just so hard, Tara’s mum knew Julie and of course wanted to share with me about what a marvellous person Julie was and to give me her condolences. A short while later someone was talking about a loved one they had cared for who had lost their battle with cancer, I had to excuse myself and I thought I’d discreetly ‘disappeared’ up to ‘my bedroom’, I can’t do the party thing, I’m clearly not ready for this & I’m probably better off just sloping off and staying out of the way. A young lady I’d been introduced to Maxine, she had seen what had occurred and was perceptive enough to realise I’d sneaked off and why, she was suddenly calling me and knocking on the bedroom door to ask if I was ok, she realised what had occurred and coaxed me back downstairs, how thoughtful of her, we’d never met before. I lasted about an hour and I sneaked off to bed, this time I wasn’t coming back down, I was knackered… Saturday morning & my incredible hosts sorted me out with breakfast; I kept checking my text messages to see if my delivery had arrived at Next, shortly after it landed and I was on my way with hugs and handshakes.

Well I walked out of Next with three parcels of clothes and headed straight to my hotel to see if I could check in early and do my own fashion show, I called the family to let them know I was in town, I took a bit of a flyer too, I messaged my hand holding friend from the weekend before, although I said I wouldn’t chase her and she hadn’t messaged me, I prefer clarity in a situation and well, was there some hope? I’d be daft not to ask for she was beautiful. I asked if she wanted the missed coffee or lunch or dinner, I did get a reply but it basically said she was still very much in love with her husband and wouldn’t meet me for she’d feel even that would be a betrayal, lol lord knows what the week before’s ‘brief encounter’ had been. I thanked her for her reply and wished her well; it seems I wasn’t to strike gold twice in Grimsby…

I saw Emma, Aaron, Vicky, Bob and all of the grandchildren on Saturday and Sunday, by then I knew Julie would have been proud of us all, some conversations were tough especially the ones of how we are missing Julie/Mum and the impact that is having on our lives, even on how it had since we broke the news in 2013. I met up with dear friends & Julie’s old neighbours Janice and Ian on Sunday and enjoyed a Sunday lunch of a tasty stew at their invitation. Janice had been at the funeral with her Daughter Louise, they were amazing friends as well as neighbours.  Ian hadn’t been able to make it to the funeral because of work commitments so it was good to meet up with him. Late Sunday I drove home in some hostile weather conditions, despite seeing several crashes I did eventually make it home, as soon as I pulled up outside the house I was mortified, ‘our’ bedroom light was out, I had left it on, ‘Julie’ was in the dark… Normally I’d have sat dreading going in but I ran into the house before I unpacked the car and put the light on, I apologised to the purple carrier bag being guarded by Winston, it’s irrational I know.. Corrinna had been over on one of her house checking  trips and she wasn’t to know but she’d turned the light off, she felt terrible when I explained, she wasn’t even aware that Julie’s ashes were here.

I emptied the car, a trip to the laundry room on the top floor, a shower and it was bedtime for me.

Every night or time (no I’m right, Night) I pull up outside the house the feeling of dread is all consuming, I’m deliberately working until gone seven and often gone eight most nights so my time in Shute Manor is limited, I’m not sure how much longer I can continue doing this, the only exception is Wednesday nights when as a thank you I often take Corrinna out for dinner, I can hear you saying “he mentions her a lot, this is going to lead somewhere”, It’s not, we’ve kind of had ‘the discussion’ we’ve become great friends but it will never be more.

I’ve still only had one weekend at home since Julie left me, mainly deliberately for it hurts being in the place; this coming weekend is no exception and I’ve previously arranged a weekend trip to Northern Ireland where I have family, I’ve got quite an affinity to Northern Ireland, I truly feel if I was financially fixed ok I could live over there, having been christened there and my father’s Irish blood in my veins I feel so at home, a lot of that is down to family though especially my Cousins in particular John & Chris and their mum, my god mother Patsy, I’d better mention Linda & Brian too or I’ll be in serious trouble and I can’t omit Caroline, Chris’s wife too. This amazing woman has been through the wringer this last year and she has been so kind to me and to Julie both this year and in the past, some people you wish you’d spent more time with in life, Caroline is one of those, Julie only met her a couple of times but she really liked Caroline, Chris & John, C&J visited Julie you’ll recall from a previous blog, it was one of the times that the finality of Julie’s situation came to the surface as we all said our goodbyes as they swapped trains to get a flight home, Julie knew it was the last time, I knew it was the last time….. More tears then, more tears now as I type this….

So Friday 13^th and I’m flying to Belfast and there’s a storm heading into Ireland and England, the landing was fun…  John met me and drove me back to his swanky penthouse apartment, but first we

would head to Chris & Caroline’s despite the late hour. On the way we chatted and he was filling me in with the plans for the weekend, tomorrow night Patsy is taking the whole family out to dinner including me, I think I lost count at 22, her children and all of the grandchildren too. John added “You and I are going into Belfast clubbing after dinner” Ha, I’m 59 John is 55 and we are going clubbing.. the younger ones of you will understanding the text speak of FFS! Haha. This is one of those times when you’ll never forget ‘where you were when’..  for tonight the news is filled with Paris and the atrocities committed by a bunch of mad-men who achieved nothing but kill and maim innocents and turn the world against them….

Saturday and we head out for breakfast, Ha John has been in his new Penthouse apartment for months but the oven or grill is yet to be used… Breakfast is in his favourite coffee shop in the village s

No Chance of Breakfast here JW

quare, you’d never know it was his regular haunt for the waitress knew what he wanted, though he did shock her with an addition to his usual breakfast. Afterwards we drove into Belfast which is lovely to see so vibrant after its ravaged history… We headed back to the penthouse after a late lunch with a friend of John’s to change and this ‘auld sod’ needed an afternoon nap before we went out on the town later…

Dinner and catching up with Patsy, my other cousins and family was great, the food was amazing. John’s son then ran John and me into the City Centre, I’m still not convinced this was the wisest move but I have to say it was a very much fun filled evening, slightly eventful too for many reasons.

We ended up in a I’d call it more of a late night bar, very, very classy playing loud music with barely a dance floor though there was dancing going on.  The Café Vaudeville was a happening place, clearly a former banking hall this was impressive. I’m not sure I’m up for this tonight though, we’ll have a couple of beers I thought then I’ll suggest heading home, ha! Boy am I glad that never happened, I need to enjoy myself though I’m still feeling guilty for being out and yes I miss Julie like hell. Anyway, we were drinking

Café Vaudeville

and standing next to five women sat around one of the round high bar tables, John is talking to one of the women, I’m just taking the world around me in, there are some gorgeous women out tonight! Suddenly the woman John is talking to reaches across and taps my wedding ring! I looked at her and mouthed what? “You’re married” I just about heard her say; Initially I shrugged my shoulders and thought what’s that got to do with anything? I leant forwards and whispered into her ear, “Actually I’m not”…. She asked why the ring then and I explained about losing Julie, It’s not nice to say this is one great chat up line for I’m not out to chat anyone up but it’s the same reaction every time, an initial look of sorrow followed by a hug and a kiss and an apology. It says a lot about the psychology of a woman’s mind though when they are looking for Wedding rings, I truly hadn’t given my wedding jewellery a thought. Her friend wondered what was going on and as she explained I get another hug and kiss! The first woman then asked “Why don’t you wear your wedding ring on your other hand then?” Until this moment my wedding ring hadn’t been a consideration I’ve worn it every day of my life since the day we married, June 19^th, 2010…  I felt uncomfortable even thinking about taking it off and I wasn’t out ‘on the pull’ as the expression goes. It did make me think though, shortly after these two ladies left and we took their seats, only then did I give the ring any thought and I took it off and tried it on my third finger right hand, it wasn’t happening the finger is swollen and anyway, I don’t want to take it off my wedding finger yet.. John laughed, for one of the three girls still at the table had seen this so John informed me, I looked at her and smiled and so she asked almost in condemnation “Are you married?” I explained I wasn’t and again had to explain about Julie and yet again a hug… 

Yes I bite my nails, yes I've hairy hands hehe

Today I still wear my wedding ring with pride though on reflection now I intend to have Julie’s Wedding, Engagement & Eternity Rings cleaned up and I’ll wear all four united on a chain around my neck from the New Year.

 Anyway we chatted the night away and myself and this young lady tried to match make John and one of her friends. As they chatted I headed to the bar to buy drinks and oh my god! I was standing next to a woman at the bar with her back to me; she was dressed in a beautiful red dress trimmed with black lace. The barmaid due to the loudness asked me to get her attention for she’d been served but had her back to the bar too so gently I tapped her shoulder, I quickly apologised as I pointed towards the barmaid. As she paid I apologised to this young lady, probably around thirty, my god she was stunning, it was almost love at first sight, her long black hair complimented the red of her dress that I think she’d been poured into! She thanked me for getting her attention then asked if I was having a good time, I have to admit this time I played the recently widowed card, she looked at me quizzically and said “for real?” I nodded and this vision of beauty hugged and kissed me telling me how sorry she was.. I told her I didn’t want her pity, lol I’ll take the hug though! She laughed and hugged me again, in the loudness she wanted to know more and I told her the basics and I got another hug. I explained I needed to get back to ‘my cousin who had dragged me out’ (so glad right now you did JW!) My newly found friend said “I’m coming to find you, you and I are having a dance!” I laughed but she was serious, ha! She’s never seen me dance or she’d never have suggested it (hehe as Julie would have said). I thought this was the end of our brief but memorable encounter but a while later she passed our table and told me “Pick your song, you are dancing with me”… I know my limitations and half an hour later the club lights coming on and the music going off put that notion to bed and ‘saved me’. My newly found friend spotted me and wagged her finger at me jokingly, I moved close enough to thank her for her kindness and told her how stunning she was, I’ve no fear when a lot of men have in front of a beautiful woman and most I’d ask out if I were of a mind, that’s how I ‘won Julie over’, I don’t fear rejection but in this instance I didn’t have the wits about me to ask for her number or if I could see her again, her beauty truly hypnotised me! We said good night with a hug.. Another Cinderella moment…

I must sound like some kind of desperate individual lusting after any woman, I’m not, despite my lack of rugged handsomeness (I think I just made that word up) I have a clear idea of the type of woman I like, yes looks is a big thing but personality is equally important, I could add some other attributes too but I won’t go there… The reality is though I’m not going to find a woman in a Belfast night club that is the woman of my dreams and future, and I’m still not 100% comfortable with myself right now, this is really screwing my head up;  it’s been a great night and well one I’ll remember for a long, long, time.  

The strangest thing happened outside of the club;  as we walked up the middle of this wide pedestrian area towards a main road a young woman was heading towards me waving and about fifteen feet from me called my name.. She giggled as she said I bet you wonder how I know you,? I looked at John who was no help, she then said “I’ve been reading your blog”.. What the? It’s dark and wet and I’m recognised from the blog in a city miles from my home? I think not, it turns out this delightful lady had spotted me with John, she is a good friend of Caroline’s, she had mentioned I was over, my new found friend had seen me with John who she knew and put two and two together which made four! This woman is stunningly beautiful too! It was a delight to meet her; she told me she has a friend who will be perfect for me "When you're ready Andy". I shall see what the future holds but for tonight I’m just overwhelmed by the kindness and hospitality of the women of Belfast and their hugs! This has been a fun and unexpected night that was as far from the night I’d expected could be, thanks again JW..

I slept contently again, I could still smell perfume on me from the hugs.. 

 Sunday was uneventful except for lunch with Patsy & John followed another stormy flight. I drove home from Manchester Airport, in hindsight I should have driven to a hotel near my office it would have been another night away from ‘Shute Manor’, I need to break this mind-set but I’m clueless to how or when I will overcome it, tonight though there is comfort in the bedroom light being on….

Some special thanks:

My Irish relatives each and everyone of you especially JW & Patsy..

 

To the beautiful women in Belfast who were generous with their hugs...

Reunited

 

I need to start this blog with my rambling, I was ‘accused’ by a ‘family member’ not that long ago that the posts “are all about you and your posts only ever show Julie’s current status and how f****ng fantastic you are”.. I know the comments were made out of frustration at the time but well there had to be some feeling of truth about them for it to come out like that. The blog was set up with the intention to tell predominantly Julie’s journey with Fluff and how ‘we’ handled the situations; it was never intended to be about me, personally until Julie’s death I’d vehemently dispute the comments and allegation and most of the feedback I’ve received about the blog is positive but since Julie’s death it’s more about her legacy and how losing her is impacting on me (and to a degree when I know about it, on others too). I’m not sure if you as in those still reading the blog have any interest in how I/we cope after losing a loved one, clearly the last and this blog will focus on my coping mechanism of getting behind the Clatterbridge Campaign as a legacy for Julie, her children and ‘our’ grandchildren. I could end the blog today with the line ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ but that’s not so and I can’t consider the blog as truly put to bed until probably the closing act of fulfilling Julie’s wishes in terms of her ashes being scattered, to me this will be the end of ‘Fluff’s journey’, in terms of time scales that cannot happen until late April. I don’t want to keep writing blogs people consider boring or no longer ‘on topic’  so my thoughts are to run probably two or three more blog editions this month and then ‘park it’ until April, I don’t know I don’t want to devalue the blog and what it has achieved with almost 66,000 reads, in the absence of direct feedback (which I’d welcome either via here, via FaceBook (Andy Shute), or Twitter @rover600 or via email andrewshute@msn.com) I’m going to make a judgement call based on the blog readership data in other words I’ll only keep it going if there is continued interest in ‘our journey’ even though that journey is now slanted towards ‘me’, I’ve never wanted this to be ‘about me and how F****ng fantastic I am [not]….)

So, back to ‘The Blog’

I arrived home after the Clatterbridge ball, still euphoric from what we’d just achieved, by the way it wasn't all tears, some good and newly made friends helped make the evening a real laugh in the end...

 I’d normally head straight to bed but I sat in the dining room in ‘Julie’s recliner’ clutching one of the framed pictures of her I’ve had done for an event on Sunday. I sat there feet up hugging her picture and 'talking to her' explaining what she had just achieved, I reclined the back of the chair too, turned on my side and thanks to the evening’s alcohol my tear filled eyes slowly closed & I dozed off clutching the picture, I woke around four so cold and headed to my bed.

This is the first weekend I’ve spent at home since Julie died, I’m doing everything I can not to be here in the house but Sunday (tomorrow) I’ve arranged a local thank you event for friends and Julie’s carers who couldn’t make the funeral, I chose The Pollard’s Inn for a) Julie loved it here, we spent New Year’s Eve here, we even stayed the night so forever it will be in my fondest memories ‘box’, b) this was where Julie first met Nicki & Debbie at a Clatterbridge fundraiser that Louise coaxed her along to where they were entertained by comedienne Pauline Daniels, she was so happy when she got home later that day, Pollard’s are big supporters of CCC. The final decider to hold it here is their food is exceptional and the ambience is great.

I arrived early to put Julie’s pictures on the tables; I’m thrilled that some of Julie’s Nurses from hospitals and from the District Nurse team came including Jayne our MacMillan  Nurse who came straight off shift. Karen part of the amazing carers team came, as these jobs all entail 24/7 working shift patterns there were always going to be people who couldn’t make it but I’m grateful for those that did so that I could express my personal thanks. Friends and some of my work colleagues came too, others that we’d met on this incredible journey too such as Merseyside Woman of The Year Angela Samata, I’d sought advice off Angela at one point and she was extremely supportive and most helpful. I’m not sure if I previously mentioned this but one morning when I’d had a Marie Curie Nurse sitting with Julie overnight as I entered the room ‘Dot’ told me Julie had mentioned during the night that she wanted to speak with a counsellor, I said I’d arrange it, I didn’t ask what she wanted to discuss, my reaction was she must have something to say or need help with that she feels I can’t support her with or she can’t talk to me about, it’s not my right to ask or to feel offended or hurt about, these were Julie’s last few weeks. Later that day I called the charity team at Clatterbridge and sought their advice for I know they support cancer patients and their families with counselling sessions sadly however and I’ve asked little of the team that we and I continue to support but I’d make this impassioned plea to you gang.. Your counselling services are apparently ‘in house’ only, Julie was housebound and as a result you ‘couldn’t help her’.. I can’t believe Julie is the only patient that has ever needed support yet couldn’t access it due to a lack of mobility. Equally I can’t see there being hundreds to accommodate regularly either…Can you not look to ‘support by exception?’

Anyway, I tried CCC, I tried our GP but was being quoted a six week wait, I didn’t think Julie had six weeks, (Sadly I was right) so I looked at private counselling groups, to be honest even for me who never gives up  this was a painful experience and it seems reams of paperwork needed filling in and they needed to do a telephone consultation with Julie first to evaluate her…. In the end I turned to Angela, although her speciality is involvement in supporting bereaved families where a loved one has taken their own life and Julie is very much alive and definitely not wanting to die but I spoke to Angela in the hope she could point me in the right direction of a suitable counsellor. Angela asked me did Julie need counselling or did she just want to get something off her chest, to tell a stranger something that she couldn’t share with me or family. I was clueless but my gut feel was this was more of a ‘private’ confessional moment than her needing counselling. Angela said if it was her needing to get something off her chest to share with a ‘stranger’ that she’d probably never see again that as she lived close by she’d gladly meet with Julie privately. I said I’d ask which Julie wanted then I’d get back to Angela. This next piece is both sad but funny too. That night when I got home I had the following conversation with Julie.

Me: Hunny, you know you mentioned to Dot the other morning that you wanted to see a counsellor?

Julie: Yes.

Me: Well I’ve tried to find a counsellor and I’m struggling BUT, do you remember Angela Samata?

Julie: Of course I do.

Me: Well after trying everyone I turned to Angela and asked if she could recommend anyone to see you, she asked did you feel you needed counselling or, is it you just want to chat privately with someone to tell them something which you don’t want to share with family? I’m quite ok if it’s that so please don’t worry, Angela said she’ll happily pop around and chat with you and you can tell her whatever it is and it will stay between you both. So what do you think hunny?

Julie: I don’t know, I can’t remember what I wanted to tell them…

I smiled inwardly at this bless her, Fluff was hitting her short term memory a little and she’d forgotten. I went on to tell her it was fine and if she remembered I’d let Angela know and we’d arrange a meeting..

 To this day I’ve no idea what she wanted to get off her chest but I’m grateful that when I felt like I was hitting brick walls that Angela was there to help. So, back to the gathering, amazing coincidences, a dear friend I see so little of (down to me not him) Paul Salt who now works for BBC Radio Merseyside (Some of you locally will know him as Salty) came along with his lovely wife Lindsay and their children, it turns out Salty had interviewed Angela on the radio. Small world, Lots of friends and neighbours came and I was delighted to see Eve, Viv & Ralf come along too, Eve & Viv caught up with friends who came to Eve’s coffee morning, Julie’s special friend and former work colleague ‘Wally’ as she called June, (Clueless to why), It was only a small gathering of around 40 people. I need to throw in a special mention for a special lady who by allowing me a weekly waffle and sometimes giving me a different perspective helped me through Julie’s illness especially the last few months, I’ve not whined about my health during Julie’s illness and there has been nothing seriously wrong with me but for over 15 months I had a leg wound caused by catching the edge of a suitcase on the edge of my calf, not painful but would it heal? Would it ‘eckers like’ as we say up north.. I was having to have it dressed periodically, I ended up with MRSA in the wound probably from when Julie had it I’ve had that many infections in it I think I had getting on for 10 lots of Antibiotics in under six months. I’m pleased to say that it’s 99.9% healed now but Bernie my then GP Practice Nurse was dressing it for me almost weekly, our chats as she dressed the wound helped me through very difficult times, so a big thank you. Well the food went down a storm but yet again I spoke to everyone but then again no one, and again I had no food. It’s a weird experience indeed and where does the time go? …

Again I got home clutching all of my framed photos, I’m drained and I think for the first time since Julie ‘left me’ I ventured into our lounge and sat down, my life for the last 39 days has revolved around dining room, two bedrooms, laundry room & shower so five rooms out of the seventeen in the house and people ask “Why do you want to move?”…….

This coming week it was going to be a tough one, Thursday is Emma’s birthday, her first without Mum, It’s tough on the children as well as on me, Julie’s death is hitting and hurting everyone close to her, there was a special bond with Emma and her mum, Thursday I know her celebrations will be tinged with so much sadness this year.. I wish I was there with her but I know it wouldn’t help for it’s Julie Emma wants not me….. We’ve got a year of every birthday, anniversary or special occasion being ‘the first without Mum/Julie’ it’s not going to be easy especially as Christmas beckons.

I had a trip to the Isle of Man to look forwards to though.

I can’t recall if I mentioned it but a dear friend on the Island Sharon asked me if she and a restaurant owning friend ‘Ben’ could hold a coffee and cake morning in Julie’s memory and all proceeds to go to Clatterbridge, I was flattered Sharon wanted to do this, Sharon is a dear friend that I knew before Julie and I actually unwittingly brought Sharon and her Husband Richard together by introducing them to each other at a party I hosted. Anyway back to the Coffee and Cake event, The Isle of Man is very reliant on Clatterbridge for Cancer treatment; it’s such a small Island that a lot of specialist medical treatments are handled by the nearest mainland Hospitals and for Cancer that is Clatterbridge so it’s close to a lot of people’s hearts on the island too.

On Friday evening I jumped a taxi across to the Seacat terminal in Liverpool, we’re spoilt being a port city, I live not five minutes from the Belfast bound Ferry Terminal too. A couple of hours later I’m on the Island being hugged by Sharon, Sharon had driven over from the Island for Julie’s funeral, we’d been regular visitors including for Sharon & Richard’s wedding and for the Christening of Aalish, who I’m proud to have as my god child.

Saturday morning and we headed to ‘Leonardo’s’ in Castletown, it’s a beautiful venue well decorated and looking at the main menu, clearly at the mid-top end range of the entertaining market. The array of homemade cakes was outstanding and the coffee flowed, I hadn’t counted but there must have been at least forty people here, in total on the day thanks to Owner Ben subsidising the event and the islander’s generosity & Sharon’s children’s ability to extract raffle ticket money out of everyone I came home with a cheque for £607 for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity, what an

amazing sum just for getting together for coffee and cake in a fantastic restaurant. So in effect another chair purchased plus a chair leg….  At this point I’ll throw in another huge thank you for a rather special but in some ways a modest young lady who I’ve met several times before when over with Julie, Leanne, who works for Sharon & Richard put in some tremendous work behind the scenes in pulling all of this together, I’m extremely grateful to her, so much so I’ve decided to make a trip back over soon so that I can take Leanne out for dinner with Richard & Sharon, I’ve had the year from hell but when I recently heard what this young lady has gone through, in comparison I’ve had it easy… It’s so easy to think life is all about us but the age old adage of no matter how bad things are for us there are others worse off than ourselves that’s not said in this instance with sympathy but recognition of events and the fights others have to endure too….

The following weekend, its Halloween weekend and I’ve made arrangements to be in Grimsby for the weekend for on the Monday I’ve made an appointment with the Funeral Directors to collect Julie’s ashes. This was to turn into the most bizarre of weekends in many aspects and truly played with my emotions.

Friday night I dashed over for there was a fireworks display in Cleethorpes pleasure island theme park. I knew Emma Bob and the grandchildren were there so messaged Emma to say I’d arrived at the park, the sky was being lit up with fireworks, there was a nominal fee to pay to get in and sod’s law was I’d just pressed my debit card pin number into the machine and the last firework of the night went up! I was soon greeted in the sea of people by Emma, Ollipop, Jenny, Bob’s sister and Olli’s partner in crime Adele, Adele you might recall went home with a teddy from ‘Shute Manor’ when Grandma gave the girls their Stieff bears. I love the involvement with the children and grandchildren, Olli puts a spring in my step and even though I carried her (at her request) on my shoulders for most of the next 90 minutes it was an absolute pleasure, we fought our way through the crowds to meet up with Abbie, Chloe and Bob. It’s lovely being here but the sadness is Grandma isn’t with us…… As I sad above we’ve got at least a year of this…

Later on I was invited along to Emma’s Uncle & Aunt’s, Dave & Lynn’s  for their Halloween party, it’s the first time I’ve seen the family collectively since Julie’s funeral, the Bartlett’s have always been warmly welcoming of me and today was no exception, the hugs are all the more ‘sincere’ today.

Saturday I visited Julie’s Dad, I so feel for Bob, he shares the same sentiment for me but no parent should have to lose a child especially the only daughter and Bob doted on her.

I spent time with Aaron, Vicky, Abbey, Millie and Evan , and saw Emma, Bob, Abbie, Chloe & Olivia again, all of the families although pleased to see me are subdued. Sunday evening I had dinner with Tara & Pete in a lovely restaurant just out of town. We had a great time, given that Tara I only met on Xmas day last year and Pete in July we have forged an amazing friendship. I left them around 8.30 and headed back to my hotel for the most surreal of evenings.

The Confusing simple things in life...

As I got back into the hotel like a lot of hotels Sunday nights are quiet, in the bar were two very pretty young smartly dressed ladies chatting away, I noticed each had their own bottle of wine, I parked myself on a nearby bar stool ordered a whisky and water and sat trawling through face book etc, another guy appeared, ordered a bottle of beer and he was there less than ten minutes before he’d gone. It was difficult to avoid over hearing the conversation the ladies were having, of all topics it was long term illness and death, not particularly what I wanted to listen to given the rawness of my own situation. One of them mentioned she hadn’t realised how ill her grandmother had been when she realised she needed her nails tidying and painting and arranged it but sadly she passed away before a beautician got to do them, this hit a chord with me for Julie had her nails done a couple of times whilst poorly at home, in fact three times but knowing how much of a difference this made to Julie and knowing this young lady’s grandmother had missed out tears trickled down my face, thankfully I wasn’t looking in their direction and yes I managed to compose myself. Shortly after one of the pair disappeared to the loo, the other I glanced at and laughed at as she was trying to pour her wine back into her bottle, “No chance" I laughed, she giggled and explained she was struggling to keep up with her friend so thought she’d try a smoke and mirrors trick. “too late” I said “here’s your mate” she was 'busted', we both laughed as her mate ribbed her, she explained she couldn’t cope with the volume but “I could manage an amaretto” so her friend comes to the bar and stands next to me, she was pretty from a distance and close up she was beautiful. She smiled I said Hi, she replied then ordered an Ameretto, the barman replied “I’m sorry I can’t serve you, it’s past 11pm”, she was obviously disappointed, not one to miss a trick I said to the bar man, “you’re still serving residents though?” The answer was yes, “Well give the lady an Ameretto and charge it to my room” Well I got the smile of all smiles followed by an offer to pay for the drink which I declined and then I was invited to join them both, initially I declined explaining their conversation was a bit ‘raw for me’ Asked why I explained I’d lost Julie early in September, at that I got ‘that pitiful look’ that I’ve seen many times but it was followed by a hug and an apology, the hug lingered and I just said “Please don’t feel sorry for me”, (The last thing I want is pity or sorrow) her friend stood up and came over and the next thing I’m on the receiving end of another hug. With promise to change the topic I was ‘dragged’ to join them, alright I ran the six feet  haha.

So the conversation changed and the lady sitting opposite me was quite chatty, her friend sat  adjacent to us both was suddenly holding my hand, it wasn’t just holding my hand though if that sounds daft? I looked at her then my hand then back to her eyes and asked “are you ok?” she answered “Yes thanks, I’m fine, are you?” I looked back at our hands then back into her eyes “I’m fine too thanks”, “that’s alright then came the reply”. I looked at her friend and asked “Are you ok with this?”, her friend answered “It’s fine by me, she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”.. We carried on talking and our hands and fingers remained intertwined, firstly I’m hardly god’s gift, secondly she was (at this point) definitely still sober and no she wasn’t blind, I’m way ahead of you lot! This was confusing for in no way was I looking for this (whatever this is). Her friend got up to visit the loo and my new found friend ‘from nowhere leaned forward and softly kissed me’ followed by a softer hug than the last time, there was no passion in the kiss, but there was romance, I suspect the ladies reading this will have more of a clue as to what I mean than the men.. Her perfume hit my senses, this woman was special, these moments were special and suddenly I realised what I’d missed so much in the last two plus years. Something weird was happening here, as we spoke she softly touched my protruding out of the top of my shirt chest hair, along with her comments it was safe to say this was some moment.  We kissed again and at that her friend re-appeared, our hands still remained softly locked. I asked her friend again if she was ok with this. I got the same answer as the last time. Next she asked for my telephone number and insisted I text her a message so she had mine, like I wasn’t going to text this beautiful woman. Going through my head though was a mixture of emotions; including have I struck gold a second time in Grimsby? I was also conscious of my reasons for being here tonight, or rather tomorrow, was I being disrespectful? I didn’t even start this.. I’m confused but I’ve so missed this degree of gentle tenderness and romance. I don’t think anyone until they have experienced the long term care of someone they love deteriorating by the day will understand this, various people have shared views with me on moving on with my life and this was something I never envisaged. As we talked further children were mentioned then a husband, at this point although the hands were still held I was being cautious now, I’m not a marriage wrecker and by this time the lady’s wine bottle was almost empty, I suggested it was home time for both of them, her friend to a degree was playing gooseberry now, her friend arranged for a cab and my interlocked fingers friend was asking if we could meet for lunch (given it was 02.00) ‘today’. I laughed for the wine was clearly in her system now, I joked, “You won’t even remember my name in the morning let alone meeting for lunch but she was adamant she wanted to meet, I knew lunch would leave me late home so I suggested coffee instead back at the hotel at 11, I needed to understand the ‘My husband’ thing, she wasn’t giving the impression that she was madly in love, I needed to understand ‘where she was’ as in is the marriage dead and she’s looking to move on or, is she still happily married. Even with a drink inside me and I’d only had two whisky’s I knew I had to be a gentleman here and I had to tread carefully tomorrow. I’m not breaking anyone’s relationship up  and I’m very fragile myself right now but this weirdly  felt so right. As the taxi arrived we hugged,  I got “See you tomorrow” I just laughed and said “We’ll see, I’ll be here” She was still telling me she would be too as she headed out of the door with her friend.

I went to my hotel bed with a smile, the first I’ve truly had on my face in a long time, I lay there going through the evening again, this had at the very least made me realise how much I need female company someone to be close to, to hold hands with,  the other nagging doubt was she was only 33, I’m old enough to be her father… I went to sleep wondering how this would play out tomorrow, I’m still convinced she won’t show, by the way  yes I do have the lady’s’ names but I’m withholding them for I hope obvious reasons.

The rules of grieving..

I’m only including this 'Mills & Boon' for there are no rules about coping with death and grief or on when to move on or how, long gone are the days of mourning for six months and wearing black constantly.  I’ve floated the subject of moving on, on my facebook wall and the consensus is it will happen when it will happen, I know that Julie didn’t want me to be alone and the majority seem to think it has nothing to do with anyone else how I live my life but rightly or wrongly I'm very conscious of others views. I’m sure I would feel entirely  differently today had Julie been fit and well and had just had an unexpected heart attack and had died instantly , that must carry so much of a weight and anguish, but knowing Julie was dying for two plus years, seeing her suffer with her many seizures and three operations and all the recovery time then to be told we had reached the end of the line and the devoted and yes, I was totally devoted to Julie &  Julie’s care regime to the point of mental and physical exhaustion some days (in fact many days over the 800 days of illness) I now feel I need to not waste precious time & live, I’m not sure who has the right to judge me on this not even myself and I constantly am as you'll gather, sadly it could be you one day, it could be you…

The next morning I was up, had breakfast then set off for the Funeral Directors, I hadn’t forgotten last night but I had to be focussed on Julie again now, I felt slightly uncomfortable with myself, I’m caught between the rock and a hard place, I know Julie wants me to move on, last night’s meeting almost didn’t happen, a fluke incident sent the women to the hotel, was this ‘lady fate’ playing her hand, would this mysterious woman actually show today?

Sobbing...

I headed to the Funeral Directors where I met one of the team, they had just brought Julie’s ashes over from Cleethorpes, she was not resting in Grimsby! I’d previously chosen a colourful landscaped scene tube for Julie’s ashes as opposed to the traditional wooden boxes. The tube was placed into a heavy duty card plain purple good quality gift style carrier bag. I was also given a certificate in case we wanted to inter Julie’s ashes, nope that's not happening,  she would be scattered in the lake district per her wishes.

As I got to my car, I held the bag/tube and sobbed, “I’m taking you home hunny!” I sobbed for five minutes or more, this was such an emotional ‘reunion’, I told her how much I was missing her, I asked why she had to leave me not for the first time, I know of course it wasn’t Julie’s fault that she was stolen from me, from us… As I gathered my composure I hadn’t considered how I transported the ashes safely home, Julie was NOT travelling in the boot of the car. I opted for the passenger seat with the seatbelt fitted snugly. How stupid is this? Reason goes out of the window in times of grief that I do know. I looked at the time, it was 10.30, I supposedly had a coffee ‘date’ at eleven but now I’m feeling slightly bad, almost like I’m betraying Julie, I’ve got her with me and I’m meeting ‘another woman’, I am truly confused right now however, If I make a commitment I keep it, even if I met the lady to just say last night was lovely but.. I truly didn’t know what the meeting IF it happened would entail or how it would pan out.

I got back to the hotel and parked outside the front doors, I left ‘julie’ in the car, there was no way I could meet anyone with this gift bag with me….. I settled down with a coffee and as eleven came, my hand holding young lady’s friend came in, she had business at the hotel today, we smiled and I laughed, as she approached I said “I take it … Isn’t coming then, I knew she wouldn’t” She smiled and explained she had spoken with her friend but a) she’d got into trouble with her husband for getting home late and b) she was suffering the after effects of the bottle of wine. “thank you for being so understanding and such a gentleman with … last night” I told her she has a very special friend but I was concerned as to how happy her marriage was before I could consider progressing things and that was why I had agreed to coffee.  I smiled; maybe this was for the best for many reasons I explained and thanked her for a great evening and told her to thank her friend too.

I slowly drank my coffee as I read the news on my ipad, about half an hour later a text appeared on my phone from the absent young lady apologising for missing coffee ……. I thanked her for a lovely night and wished her well and told her to message me if she wanted to but I couldn’t chase her in the knowledge that she was married, it was time Julie & I headed home…  Some things are meant to be and some aren’t but I kind of feel I know how prince charming felt when he found Cinderella’s glass slipper.. The difference here was in this day and age it’s not hard to find someone if you really want to, I know where the lady lives but I’m no stalker or mad possessed individual, I enjoyed a moment and given her marital status its best that it stays that way….

I drove home, talking all the way 'to Julie' like a mad man, I was updating her on everything including Tenerife, I discussed her friend’s strange behaviour towards me, I talked a lot…..

On getting home there is only one place for Julie now and that’s in our bedroom, I placed Winston on top of the 'Gift bag' and tube, he was/is guarding her again now, they’re reunited. It’s bizarre how we think or rather how I think.  Julie was afraid of the dark when alone, it goes back to her days at home and her young brothers playing her up and locking her in the dark, her fear lasted a lifetime so now unless I’m in the room with her, the light stays on, whether I'm home or not stupid uh?

Julie’s ashes are going to be staying with me until April, whilst I wanted to grant her final wish as soon as possible the children couldn’t make any time this side of Christmas and given the potential for snow and so they can save up for their travel, we collectively agreed the weekend of April 22^nd. The weather should be better and we can lay her properly to rest then.

Some special thank you's

To Angela & Bernie.

To Leanne, Richard, Sharon & Ben on The Isle of Man - To all of those who came to support Clatterbridge Cancer Charity.

To Julie's former in laws

To a Special lady in a hotel bar..

To Winston...

To a woman I'll never forget no matter how or when  I move on..

Always her Daddy's Girl....