It's Not Been The Best of Weeks

No pictures this time...

 

I wasn’t going to publish a blog for a couple of weeks but as this week comes towards a close I thought I’d share the raw emotion of the week whilst it’s still in me. I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just sharing the journey of trying to get through year one of losing my amazing wife, you’d think after ten months it would be getting easier..

 Firstly, as I should have expected I’m getting danced about over the house, one family have viewed it three times now in under two weeks, it’s on the market at £225,000 and everyone who knows it, has stayed in it, has partied in it, visited us at it all say “Is that all” but I’m a realist and those that know me know I play fairly straight, I expect similar from others. I know the house still needs work doing to it, quite a lot actually but whoever will finish off what Julie and I started will have one hell of a home and investment and could probably quickly recoup £80-£90,000 if they turn the cellar into a self-contained apartment, it is huge but yes needs work and of course I know I am going to have to move down from £225,000 slightly. After the second viewing last week my estate agent Rhys said the way the family were talking about the changes they’d make to their children that he felt an offer would follow, I said “I bet it’s around £185,000”, Rhys responded feeling they’d come in much higher than that. Friday Evening 5pm and an offer landed at £190,000, I laughed hysterically at the cheek but also that it was so close to my forecasted number, of course I declined ‘the offer’.

By Wednesday the family were back for a third viewing! They’re clearly keen but not unexpectedly two days later when writing this no increased offer has landed, all part of the game but as I have my eye on a beautiful apartment of course I want this wrapped up, it will be if it is to be regarding the place I fancy moving to but I’m not accepting silly offers and I think Rhys finds my strategy of not getting in touch with him different to most who I suspect are on the phone every two minutes after a viewing. The bottom line is he doesn’t get paid until the house sells so he wants to move it as quickly as myself and no matter how many calls I make to him will not speed up the process. So, it’s a waiting game I am guessing until 5pm tonight… Maybe longer, who knows…

 

I’ve become more emotional in the last week, it’s weird this rollercoaster. A combination of things have upset or distressed me in the last week.

I’ve previously mentioned that Julie’s Mum & Dad have both had spells in hospital recently, Julie’s Mum has dementia and to this day has no idea that Julie is no longer with us, that in itself is so sad. Those that know the family will know Julie was a Daddy’s girl not a mummy’s girl that said whenever we went home Julie would spend time manicuring her Mum’s nails but with Julie it really was ‘Daddy all the way’, it was bizarre reflecting back that during her last week with us from nowhere she suddenly said “I want my mummy”, whilst I could and did make most things happen for Julie sadly this was never going to be, I cried that night as I recall holding Julie’s hand to comfort her after she had asked… I felt guilty at times for Julie living on Merseyside when her parents and children lived across country in Grimsby, but Julie wanted to be with me, to be honest before we actually met she told me she was getting out of Grimsby as soon as she could I felt honoured that was ultimately to be with me but some things, no matter what others say leave you feeling guilty, this was one.

On my last two visits to Julie’s resting place as I talked, yes out loud to her but softly, as part of updating ‘her’ on events, I sobbed as I expressed my feeling that Julie’s dad sounded so ill that I felt she & he could soon be reunited. I’m pleased to say that a couple of weeks later Julie’s dad sounds better but the radiotherapy has taken its toll on him and continues to do so, he tires so quickly, radiotherapy can takes months for a young healthy person to recover from, Julie’s dad is in his 80’s…..

On top of this Julie’s Mum has been in hospital for a couple of weeks with what was initially thought to be an infection but tragically just this week it’s been confirmed that she too now has been diagnosed as having cancer, bless her she knows nothing or nobody now and clearly is frightened ‘resisting the nurses’ as they try to take blood. Emma has ‘stepped up to the plate’ here as she works at the hospital and she’s been giving her breaks up to sit with her grandma, like she doesn’t have enough on her plate and she too is still suffering the loss of Julie..

I’d already decided earlier this week before hearing the news on Julie’s mum that I’d visit Grimsby this weekend for it's Millie’s, Abbie & Chloe’s Birthday’s this coming week. The only ‘good’ thing coming out of this week was that Julie’s brother Andy had explained about having to utilise a hospital wheelchair when he takes his dad in now, I’ve still got Julie’s, I had no clue what to do with it but it’s going over with me tonight, I’m sure if Julie is looking down on us she will be pleased with this.

So all of that would be enough to upset anyone in one week but sadly it gets worse, a great guy and friend Paul McGeary who was treated for Leukaemia around two years ago has relapsed in the last week and is undergoing further treatment now. Although I’ve only met ‘Gee’ once at a Stag do last year he was incredibly supportive during Julie’s battle and in turn we supported Gee with his mantra of #NotOneInch my thoughts go out to Paul’s family, especially wife Becky & Mum Mary (who was so supportive during Julie’s journey). I’m positive Gee will beat this beast once more; he has such determination and deserves the right to see his young daughter grow up!

My dear Friend Casper in Holland, he too is going through the mill, although healthy himself his family are a serious cause for concern for him right now, Casper and Julie were ‘so tight’ and you’ll recall how many times he visited last year, at least five so already feeling the loss of Julie, then his own family ‘news’ without going into detail no man or woman should be carrying the load that Casper does right now.

I’m sixty on the eighth of next month, scary thought, thankfully though I only feel around forty! Normally big birthdays mean big celebrations, My fiftieth we held at Shute Manor with many special friends and I laugh as I recall being at my Mothers around the same time and Julie and I went ‘messing about’ on a river (The Avon at Warwick castle to be precise), Julie howled with laughter as I proved how rubbish a navigator I was…  This year there will be no party, the ‘hostess with the mostest’ is no longer here and I’m truly in no mood to celebrate anything this year yet alone my birthday. Casper suggested a couple of weeks ago that I go over and spend it quietly with him and that’s what I’m doing. Unusually I’m flying out of Birmingham, Maureen lives not ten minutes from the airport so I’m going to spend time with her the day before, recent events demonstrate we need to see our loved ones more often no matter the distance… It does though mean I won't be with Julie for my birthday..

Friends and neighbours are being kind and some are actually disappointed that I’m away for my birthday but as I say this isn’t a year to celebrate.

All of the above though means Julie has been at the forefront of my thoughts this week,  not in a negative or upsetting way that is until yesterday.

There is a Next Clothing store near my office and I’d ordered a couple of shirts to collect. I joined the queue, the woman in front of me.. Julie’s height, Julie’s style of long straight blond hair down between her shoulder blades, a blue top with large white spots on, exactly as Julie would have worn, A red and white spotted Cath Kidston handbag over her left shoulder, just like one Julie had… The only difference was her Jeans covered thighs were chunkier than Julie’s ever were… I smiled at all of the similarities, the comparison was so similar. The lady was served and walked off, I was served and around five minutes after joining the queue I was leaving the store. I barely got to the door and I just broke down and sobbed, I mean sobbed, I was walking towards my car my face covered in rain drops and streaming tears, I was distraught, I could so easily have dropped to my knees and sobbed forever it felt, I made it into the car my sobbing continued, I felt truly heartbroken, for over five minutes the tears just streamed as I gulped for air. I’ve not felt this way since the day I lost Julie, I cry often, I’m not ashamed to admit to my crying but I’ve never sobbed like this since 9^th September 2015…. A day later and my heart still feels raw and painful, when will it ever end? Will it ever end?......

 

Dedicated to Gee and his family - #NotOneInch

Another ‘First’

Our last holiday abroad April 2013 - Tenerife - Love that smile

 

Well after recovering from the shock of my Merseyside Women of The Year Award life was soon back down to earth with a bump.

I’ve previously mentioned ‘Shute Manor’ was going on the market and just over two weeks ago that happened, the sign is up and now I’m waiting for viewings and offers, I’ve had three so far, viewings that is, no offers. It’s quite numbing for me, the realisation that I am moving on ‘soon’ though I’ve explained to my Estate Agent, Rhys, that getting what it is worth is my objective and I’m not looking for a knock down sale. I’m fortunate that I’m moving for my reasons not because I need to or can no longer afford to run ‘the Manor’. I owned the house on my own before Julie came along and as part of our commitment to each other when she sold her own house and moved in and as part of our future plans together I added Julie to the mortgage, it was then ‘our house’, ‘our home’.. All that said the monthly outgoings I continued to pick up despite Julie wanting to contribute. I explained to her that she was contributing by keeping the Manor spotless and with her interior design skills, he-he (Julie-ism), in the early days I called her (amongst other things) “My interior designer”.



Bikini Girl 2013

I often explained to Julie that now it was ‘her time’, she’d had a tough-ish life, the only girl of five children and with a mother with health problems Julie was doing the washing and ironing and housekeeping from her early teens before she left home upon getting married. With two children on board, working two jobs and living on a housing estate that she felt would impact on the children’s future lives had she remained there she took the bold step of leaving her then husband George and managing to ‘buy into’ a shared ownership house that she worked incredibly hard to get looking ‘perfect’.  She turned her house into a beautiful home and as a single Mum gave Emma & Aaron the best start in life, she had every right to feel proud. As usual I’ve digressed; the point I was getting to was Julie had

worked hard since she was fourteen. About a year before we met Julie started having health problems, first she had a collapsed lung that lead to the discovery that she had Rheumatoid Arthritis then not long after we met she started to have intestinal pain and problems that lead to a diagnosis of ‘Ulcerative Colitis’, her weight plummeted and despite a lengthy stay in hospital they could not get it under control and she was told it was imperative she had surgery to remove her bowel. A lengthy operation resulted in her having what she cheerfully referred to as a ‘Gucci bag’ fitted onto her side, despite her joviality and positive nature and being grateful for still being alive thanks to the surgery but I knew it ‘hurt’ and how it knocked her confidence slightly she was a ‘bikini girl’ and this was devastating to her so it was tough, really tough on her, ultimately thanks to Ciaran Walsh and Arrowe Park Hospital she went on to have surgery that meant ‘Gucci bag’ could go and her confidence rocketed again I’m pleased to say.

Finally the point is us being together and in love as we were this could be her time; no worries about working, no daily worries about the children, she could and did become in her words ‘A lady that lunched’ and having no worries about having to pay the bills. I did have to ‘fight her’ on this topic though as Julie was never a ‘taker’ she needed to pay her way, she was not going to become a ‘kept woman’ so the compromise was she could buy the day to day shopping lol unless I beat her to the checkout chip and pin machine (hehe as she would have said). I cannot explain all of that without adding my sincerest thanks to a very special lady who hardly left Julie’s side whilst in hospital with Ulcerative Colitis and who also helped keep Julie’s spirits high in the early days of the discovery of her GBM IV, Julie’s best friend ‘Woon’, her former Sister in law June, she really was in my eyes an unsung hero, these two truly were the best of best friends….

So the for sale sign is up and if you want to take a peek at mainly Julie’s handiwork & what is on offer then feel free to click the link http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-54972637.html lol feel free to put in an offer.

It’s bizarre, I feel ‘at ease’ putting the house on the market but I already know the day I hand the keys over I’ll be sobbing like a baby but I’ve got my memories on PC’s, laptops, backed up on discs and phones and of course in my head, it’s been a major part of my life but I have to move on now.

I’m still having days where the tears appear from nowhere, it can be seeing a picture that sets me off, or a film or just hearing a song on the radio, reading back on some of the blogs too has me sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my cheeks…. Don’t get me wrong there are so many fond memories that I’m soon smiling again afterwards, it’s all just part of moving on.

Part of moving on is the first anniversaries I’ve previously mentioned, last month’s was our first wedding anniversary apart. This month, the 17^th (July) would have been Julie’s 55^th Birthday; I had to go back up to the lakes for the day. Saturday I met a dear friend, ‘Scouse’ or ‘Wobblegob’ as Julie affectionately called her, her real name is June.

June & I swapped messages a few weeks ago and arranged to have lunch, I’ve not seen her since the funeral. As we messaged I asked was there anything of Julie’s that she recalled and liked and would

like as a keepsake. She mentioned a mock patchwork cushion she had bought Julie last year when she was in hospital to brighten her bed up and of course I assured her she could have it. As a good friend of I also asked her to ask Collette if there was anything she would like, sadly Collette hasn’t kept in touch as is her right and I’ve no desire to antagonise anyone so I thought this was the best way, Collette was Julie’s best friend on Merseyside and I would not want to deprive any of Julie’s closest friends or family of items to remember her by. Shortly later June contacted me saying Collette would like a small silver necklace that she's bought Julie, with one of Liverpool’s infamous SuperLambanana’s as a silver charm, of course she could have it. It’s touching that despite getting Julie’s wedding jewellery cut off by a jeweller friend Mike who resized it and delivered it back same day the steroids caused further swelling and at that point Julie decided to wear them on this same necklace, I remember crying as I gently unclipped it as I said my final goodbye to her as the funeral directors waited, I had to buy

SuperLambanana

a sturdier chain to accommodate our combined wedding jewellery that I wear daily. Another couple of dear friend’s I’ve since offered items to including Julie’s Cath Kidston handbag. On the day Julie slipped away and the hospital supplies company came to collect the hospital bed & hoist etc. I put Julie’s handbag on the back of the rocking chair in the green room, there it has remained untouched to this day but it will soon be gifted to another dear friend of Julie’s one of the 'secret agents'. June & I caught up and had a lovely lunch in New Brighton, she gave me a little something and asked would I take it to Julie and I did, June also kindly donated to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity on the basis it was Julie’s birthday, such a lovely thought…. Always the opportunist and desperate to help fund the reclining chairs for the new (to be built) hospital in case any of you readers would like to donate here’s the current link in Julie’s memory,

 

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Julie-Shute .. It’s just an observation and I know someone is always after your money and some of us donate to other worthy causes but the blog has gone through an incredible 85,000 reads, it’s staggering but imagine if each read was £1? On top of all the other collecting we have been associated with in Julie’s memory this would have blown the chair target away, wouldn’t that be something?

Sunday 17^th July and I’m heading to the lakes. It’s a long story that I won’t bore you with but I’ve

Thistles

recently had to get rid of my very unreliable less than a year old 4x4 and so for this trip I’m in a much smaller hire car. As I turned right in Holbeck Lane the initial steepness of the road took me by surprise but the car took it in its stride and 200 yards later I’m parked up by ‘Julie’s resting place’ lol you can actually ‘check in’ there now on Facebook.. Today there was no sign of ‘Bambi’ in the adjacent field, just a couple of sheep. I sat on the sawn off tree stump and took in the view again, the joy with this location and the lake and skyline in front of ‘us’ is it’s an ever changing landscape, be it the boats on Windermere or the cloud formations plus the seasonal foliage changes or the weather, you cannot help but be impressed with the tranquillity and beauty.

I smiled as I saw the nettle patch that she’s ‘protected’ herself with then walked to the field gate,

Nettles & Thistles

again I smiled, not only are there nettles but now there is a significant crop of thistles the lady is

taking no chances! Nothing was going to stop me getting close to Julie though. With no grazing in this field it’s turning into a real meadow now, long grass, wild flowers, I spotted the most beautiful caterpillar too, on reflection later (to me) its head resembled a fox shape, again I smiled one of my nicknames for Julie was ‘Foxy’, I know… It’s daft….

I started to share recent events with ‘her ladyship’, there was so much to

tell her and I can imagine someone calling for the men with straightjackets to come get me but I chatted away and yes the tears came too, I wished her a happy birthday, I told her "See, I’ll never forget you", I explained how we were all missing her, again it’s not just me that feels the pain of grief, Julie’s reach remains long. There’s little or no phone signal at her spot so I couldn’t share the fitting Tributes the children had put up on Facebook to remember Mum & Grandma (see below). These ‘Firsts’ truly hurt…….

A couple of hours with Jules and I headed down to Low Wood Bay Hotel which is not two minutes from the resting place and chilled out with a light lunch, around five p.m. I set off for home, well home for the night. As I have to drive pretty close to my office on my journey home I’d booked into Bolton Whites Hotel, after my visit last month I stopped here too and was actually chosen in a draw for a free night here with a pitch view room, that was a real bonus (Whites is part of the Bolton Wanderers Football Stadium). Drawer apart, Julie & I loved it here if we were at company functions we would stay here and on one occasion I booked the penthouse suite just to make my princess feel special so it’s always happy visits here at Whites. My journey to work Monday morning took five minutes versus the usual ninety and people ask me “Why do you want to move”.. I’ve got my eye on a place and if the jigsaw all falls into place then my drive to work will take 15 minutes maximum…..

A room with a View - Whites Hotel Bolton

Family Tributes to Mum & Grandma

 

Well and Truly Caught Out

This blog edition is dedicated to all of the amazing Women recognised at this year's Merseyside Women of The Year Awards, also to the memory of the late Bernie Singleton & our very own Julie Shute

 

It’s the little things in life that often mean the most to us and in the last week this has proved to be so for me.

Firstly it’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since Julie was at the Merseyside Women of The Year Awards but it is, her runners up award still proudly adorns her chest of drawers in ‘The Green Room’, formerly our bedroom, this recognition of her endeavours to help others so selflessly by her charity fundraising and the blog and supporting Clatterbridge by allowing her operation procedure to be filmed I was so proud of her and of course that day was so special for many reasons but it was hectic for me.

 

A few months back Jean Gadsby of The Merseyside Women of The Year Awards emailed me inviting me to attend this year’s awards ceremony. I was truly flattered, it was explained the organisers, Jean, Ellie Kerr & Elaine Owen had recognised how I hadn’t really had time to enjoy the ceremony last year as it was obvious to them that my focus was Julie so they thought it would be nice for me to be here to enjoy this year’s awards. I hadn’t really thought about it at the time or since until this conversation and then when I reflected back, a significant amount of time was given over to doing what I did and that was making sure Julie was looked after and having a great time. When I look back yes of course I sat down and watched the awards and all of the amazing women being recognised for their selfless actions but from the time the private ambulance and crew brought Julie in on a stretcher to hoisting her into the air in a large but compact disabled loo swapping the stretcher for her chair and lowering her into position then protecting her modesty and keeping her dignity intact to getting her into the room where she met all of the surprise guests, she was aware of Maureen & I Karen & Louise from Clatterbridge & John and Sarah Burns, but Hannah, Collette and June Bernicoff were all a surprise. Getting Julie settled into place, speaking with the paramedics to keep them on hand ‘just in case’ liaising with the hotel staff so we could use Julie’s cutlery and her drinks beaker. Cutting up Julie’s food for her, reassuring her and whilst only those on the table noticed Julie started to have a seizure. Thankfully the lorazepam were with me and two small tablets later and a lot of comforting and our distraction routine and it slipped away mainly unnoticed by most. A trip to the loo for her too, again it meant the assistance of the Paramedics and us using the hoist to get her out of the chair safely onto the loo and then back into the chair, it was focussed attention but Julie came first. She smiled and laughed so much that day, given she only got out of the house three times after that this was a most special day.

So,  Friday 24^th June and I decided not to drive this year, I don’t drink much mainly because when out I’m driving and my job depends on my driving licence, I usually just have a glass of wine or a pint of beer and then switch to soft drinks. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a good drink occasionally but I learnt a long time ago that hangovers are not good for you so I’m normally the ‘sensible one’, that said, I only ever saw Julie drunk twice which we laughed about afterwards, I’ll share the detail another time but we had a work hard play hard and fun mentality and that didn’t need alcohol to make it fun.  As usual I’ve digressed! I took a cab and then a train into Liverpool.

Entering the Crowne Plaza I saw Jean and we exchanged greetings, I thanked her for the invite. Jean explained she had put me on a table that comprised a lady called Roz Tranfield, some of her guests several including Roz were either in remission from Cancer or were still being treated at Clatterbridge. Talking of Clatterbridge Elspeth Wilson from The Clatterbridge Cancer Charity was on the table too. Although I’d never met Roz before today as I knew she and another  Clatterbridge fundraiser the amazing Dorothy Beattie were both nominated for The Leonard Curtis sponsored ‘Women Making a Difference Award’, this was the ‘mirror award’ to which Julie and Bernie (Bucket) Singleton were nominated last year. On the announcement of the finalists I put my weight behind both ladies in asking for votes but with only one vote I went with Roz for she lives on the peninsula too.

It was nice to be on a table with ‘like-minded’ friends. Lunch as ever was superb and our compere  was again the amazingly witty Pauline Daniels, no subject is safe when Pauline is on form tears of laughter are guaranteed. In this role Pauline is perfect for like any comedienne and actress

she has a sharp wit and retort to hand and she ‘took no prisoners’ when having been informed as part of her housekeeping speech at the start to ensure phones were switched off or there would be £20 fines for non-compliance. Two people were fined but as Pauline rightly pointed out “It’s not about the money, it’s about having respect for the award finalists and not detracting from them”…  Pauline had taken a shine to the invited guest & recently announced

new ‘Cadbury’s Milk Tray Man’, Liverpool fireman, Patrick McBride. We other men stood no chance today; it’s fair to say the banter was good.

 

Last Year’s Merseyside Woman of The Year and now friend Angela Samata shared her year long experience, one of the highlights of her year was she was nominated for a BAFTA, she also had the other women in the room slightly jealous when she explained after the BAFTA ceremony another attendee offered to walk her back to their hotel however as the party was still on Angela declined only to discover later the gentleman in question was the infamous chest baring Poldark actor Aidan Turner!  

After a fantastic lunch the Awards ceremony began.  We had a programme before us and I flicked through mine to find out about all of the lovely finalists to discover a page entitled ‘Celebrating & Remembering’ it featured Bernie Singleton & Julie, it recognised their contributions and their loss to the Merseyside Woman of the Year ‘Family’ it was such a surprise and so touching to see the tribute it quite literally brought me to tears.

As the award category Roz & Dorothy were in came up our table erupted as Roz was announced the winner, these are spine tingling times and of course bring back memories of last year.  As the stunning Roz returned to us with her award we all congratulated her, she was rightly ecstatic.

Although my phone had its volume turned off as phones are cameras and a multi-media device these days I’d kept mine on and was doing my bit to support the MWOTY team and tweet every possible moment, those of you that use twitter will understand what a powerful tool it can be to profile raise and highlight events, trends are picked up for the more higher profile events and it turned out the team effort had made MWOTY the second highest topic on Twitter, given ‘we’ as a nation that morning had voted ourselves out of Europe and ‘Brexit’ was the top trend. As I enjoyed a drink with the media team later they joked they struggled to keep up with my barrage of tweets so they could share them too.  There is a point to this I promise.

As the ceremony continued I’d glance up I’d listen to the Winner speeches and take pictures and tweet them. I looked up and saw the next category appear, ‘Best Supporting Male’ I glanced at it and then looked down at my phone screen still tweeting then thought “Did I just hear my name?”,  I looked up and as our table erupted in screams and cheers I saw my name on the large stage screens! It took a couple of seconds to sink in and it was only the amount of people rising to their feet that shocked me into the reality of the situation, as I stood up Elspeth hugged me, another guest on the table another  Andy shook my hand and I realised I had to head to the stage,  walking through a room full of standing applauding people for only the second time in my life is humbling, as I headed for the stage Angela Samata was in front of me grinning she hugged me, congratulated me and whispered, “it was such an obvious choice for us”, Angela had been part of this year’s Judging panel, I told her she was naughty, she explained she’d been avoiding me so as not give the surprise away. I made my way onto the stage and was presented with my award by Pauline McNamara of

Cassell Moore Solicitors who had kindly sponsored this award. Pauline Daniels explained to the audience who I was and why I was up here. With a Pauline either side of me we were photographed & Pauline Daniels invited me to say a few words. With not knowing I was going to be standing here until two minutes ago I had nothing prepared but thankfully I’ve presented to audiences large and small and can as we say ‘think on my feet’, my opening words were “I’ve been stitched up, well and truly stitched up!” I laughed and explained how I’d been invited along on the grounds of having not had the chance to enjoy last year’s awards ceremony…  I think I uttered the words I will get you back ladies… This was an opportunity to tell this year’s audience a bit about Julie and her journey, how despite knowing she was dying was standing in the pouring rain at Hoylake Railway station at the British Open Golf Championship collecting for Clatterbridge, I mentioned how I’d lost Julie last September and how I had reunited our wedding ring jewellery and that they are always with me, I added that I hoped Julie was still with us today if only in spirit and that I knew she would be incredibly proud of this year’s finalists. I picked up my award and explained how much it meant to me to be the recipient and then headed back through the new standing ovation. I’d heard the words several times today from winners that they didn’t feel what they were doing was worthy of an award, I knew exactly what they meant though. Not one finalist in the room today did the amazing things they did for the glory or recognition, they do

Jean, Elaine & Ellie

it because it’s the right thing for them to do, this so resonates for me. Surely what I did for Julie was the same as any other loving husband would do for their so precious wife?  Back at our table the atmosphere was electric and Roz and I were photographed with both of our awards. I was elated and stunned; this award is such a fantastic honour.  I realised there hadn’t been a recipient last year this made it being in my arms feel even more special. It takes a lot to hoodwink me, one of my favourite expressions is “You’ll have to get up early in a morning to catch me out”! I was truly; well and truly caught out today. I saw Jean, Ellie and Elaine after the final awards; they were like schoolgirls who had just pranked a fellow pupil, these ladies are so special on many fronts and I now very much feel part of this amazing ‘family’.

You would think that was enough excitement for one day, then Michael Halsall the primary sponsor of the awards ceremony took to the stage to announce this year’s runners up and the Winner of The Merseyside Woman of The Year Award, Roz was announced as the winner, our table just erupted, it was incredible the elation as she hugged her friends to her left, then her boyfriend Paddy & then their dear friend Andrew. This was draining and I think only the adrenalin was keeping us going. Elspeth commented how amazing that we had three awards, yes three awards on our table and all associated to Clatterbridge Cancer Charity, these are humbling times…  Roz returned to the table where we all shared a hug with her. Roz herself is a survivor of Cancer, breast cancer, the scourge of mainly women (but men can get Breast Cancer too), as a beautiful former model I can but envisage how devastating this must have been

but treatment at Clatterbridge has sent her beast in to remission. Most would have just been grateful for the outcome but Roz similar to Julie wanted to do more, Roz started mentoring and supporting other patients, she also set about fundraising and held a cat walk fashion show where all models had been associated with cancer as part of a fund raising drive. Roz has raised over £30,000 so far and I’m pretty certain she has not stopped. She is shortly to do a charity night ride, I am genuinely touched by this lady. For the likes of Julie, Roz & Dorothy who collectively have contributed over £300,000, Dorothy has been absolutely outstanding with so far raising over £200,000! Her fundraising to date has contributed to a conservatory being built next to the out-patient’s department at Clatterbridge plus a fleet of cars so the specialist nurses can administer some patient’s Chemotherapy in their own homes.  Amazing selfless women, Amazing….

Merseyside Women of The Year 2016

 

 

 

(UN)Happy Anniversary

Happiness is....

The worst thing about moving on after someone passes away for most and this includes me is those ‘firsts’ without your loved one, First Christmas, First Birthday’s etc. and whilst these are common across all family members the one that hits home in my instance the most is my first wedding Anniversary without Julie.

We were married on June 19^th 2010, it was the most amazing day and of course as I write this on 20^th June 2016 yesterday was to have been our 6^th Wedding Anniversary.

We had both been previously married and one of Julie’s regrets when we discussed marriage was that her first wedding was rushed and done on the cheap; she even did her own catering on the day. She understood the financial constraints and she had a lovely day marrying her first husband George. Julie for those that know her in person and have picked up what she was like through the blogs will know whilst she never had delusions of grandeur she wanted nice (not necessarily expensive) things in life. She dreamt of getting married in a castle, this would have been her fairy tale wedding. My mantra when it came to Julie even before she was ill was “What Julie wanted, Julie got”. She wasn’t spoilt and she wasn’t demanding but she knew what she liked and whilst I’m not rich except in memories now I earned sufficient that I was able to fund her fairy tale wedding &  offer Julie the opportunity to give up work when she was recovering from a previous illness/operation. After all ‘Shute Manor’ and it’s 17 rooms was almost a full time job keeping it clean & her tweaking it with her interior design skills to turn it into our home with a bit of a wow factor. It was not finished, now that’s for someone else to do but when the army of carers and healthcare professionals came to see Julie they all wanted to see around ‘Shute Manor’ and the comments were genuinely so complimentary at what Julie had done to the place. I mainly did the basics to get the house ready for the finishing, I smile as I recall being told I was banned from painting and decorating by Julie for my finishing "wasn’t to her standards" heehee…

As usual I’ve digressed, the point I was trying to get to was when we decided to get married I wanted her to have her fairy tale wedding. I actually found a castle just over

the Scottish border near Gretna Green that did Weddings and I made enquiries. When I sent Julie the web link and I called her she said “It’s perfect, but what about my parents?” I replied “What about them, it’s you I’m marrying not them.” She explained and as often was so, she was right. They were too old and health issues would impact on their journey and I suspect they’d have declined the invite and for ‘Daddy’s girl’ not to have her parents at her wedding… Well it wasn’t going to happen so I started to seek a venue in Lincolnshire where Julie’s parents live. By chance I stumbled upon a hotel called The Priory Hotel in Louth, it's about 15 miles from Grimsby. It looked perfect, Julie liked the look of it, I spoke to then Owners Paul & Shelley and we dashed over that weekend to check it out in person and I immediately shook hands with them and we confirmed the booking and date.

 

Whilst Julie’s skills were in interior design and her crafting skills, which she put to good use for the wedding preparation and with the aid of friends like Jacqui, Xena, June, Collette and My Mum Maureen, they made up the invitations, the place setting cards, the ‘wedding favours’ in fact so many things I cannot recall them all but my skills came in to the organisation of the event. She initially laughed as I pulled together a spreadsheet with all the different elements on it and when we needed to achieve things by to make sure the day went perfectly and as we progressed she saw the benefits. She would often say that ensured her day was the happiest day of her life (truth be told it was mine too). Truthfully it went perfectly, the one slight glitch was the morning before the wedding as I dropped Julie at the hotel we checked out the marquee in the grounds and the dance floor was a plain wooden dance floor when I thought I’d specified I wanted a ‘chess board type dance floor’. A quick call to the amazing Betts Marquee company who were based just yards away and they were on site to point out I’d got what I’d ordered… within the hour they had kindly begun to remove the plain floor and lay a chess board style floor… lol it cost me but it was worth it. Besides that our wedding truly was perfect….

 

We all (I think) have a reasonable expectation to live into our late seventy’s (or longer) which seem to be the ‘new fifty’ judging by people I know including my mother who, in her eighties leaves younger people standing when she goes off 'on a mission'. So to have married Julie and to have had just five wedding anniversaries with her and to have lost her aged 54, just check out the happiness in these pictures & well I think I have (we all have) every right to feel robbed.

I couldn’t let this first anniversary since losing my princess go by without ‘being with her’ so I planned to spend time with her at her resting place, our spirits together at least.

Before I set off I checked my emails and was surprised to see an email from Clatterbridge’s ‘Associate Director of Communications’. She explained that the Sunday Telegraph had published a piece on the government’s plan to increase the number of patients in the UK who could access treatments such as Julie had had (Novalis Tx Stereotactic Radiotherapy) and that Clatterbridge as one of the few specialist hospitals to offer this procedure for patients with brain tumours was part of the process, they intended to issue a press release of their own on Monday and “could I give them a quote to include”, as usual it is a pleasure and I see this as Julie’s influence continuing though now only in spirit. She would be so proud. She was so unassuming and modest and didn’t truly appreciate the impact that she was having on other people’s lives by her charity work and the support she gave Clatterbridge including giving permission for her SRT session and the build up to it to be filmed.

So a short telephone conversation with Emer from Clatterbridge and I gave her a couple of quotes for possible inclusion.  This is exciting news for Clatterbridge, its Merseyside patients and for the country as a whole. Whilst the local paper was quick to publish the exciting news today, they didn’t include the quotes but this journey isn’t all about us. http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/14568008.Clatterbridge_Cancer_Centre_among_trusts_chosen_to_deliver_pioneering_treatment/?ref=rss&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

 

Amazing Ever Changing Landscape

I headed to the Lake District, it was anything but the perfect day but at this point it was still dry. I drove up to my now regular parking spot and stopped the engine, as I looked across the adjacent field/meadow my eyes went wide as a young female deer was grazing. I smiled and thought, “yes, this was the right spot for you hunny”, It’s so tranquil and even the odd passing car didn’t startle ‘Bambi’… Thankfully I’d brought my camera and managed to get a few pictures of both the Deer and the ever changing landscape around me. I sat on the sawn off tree stump I’ve previously

mentioned, I took the chain holding our wedding jewellery from around my neck and held and kissed them, by now my eyes were tear-filled. I was looking down onto the spot where we had scattered Julie’s ashes, in the short period of time since, I was stunned to see the exact spot covered in fresh growth of stinging nettles, It’s stupid to say it but it was almost as if in fulfilling her desire to fertilise and nurture plant life Julie had chosen to protect herself with nettles! Although I couldn’t see them I am certain seeing this growth that the strawberry plants I planted are still there and not as we feared having been nibbled by the then grazing sheep, I smiled wickedly thinking “Maybe I should have planted Mint or Rosemary instead” Julie would have chuckled at that, she’d have been chuckling anyway at the irony of nettles for we had a private joke between us about this evil plant…

I walked to the field gate, then through it and stood by ‘the spot’, I was telling Julie how much I was missing her, how hard it is for us all without her, I was sobbing, this is stupid I know, it’s irrational; I explained; ”Six years ago today at this time, we were getting ready for our marriage , “I can’t believe we only had five years hunny life is so unfair.” I told her about visiting our family, I explained how poorly her dad is, I

Across Lake Windermere

explained that the house has now been valued and it will be on the market within a fortnight. I explained how her hard work and interior design skills had pleasantly impacted on the valuation. I explained now was the time for me to move on and it was for someone else to finish what I’d started and Julie & I continued with, 170 year old houses need on-going upkeep. The field was quite damp, the grass and the plants were all showing the damp so through my tear filled eyes, I said “I’m going to sit up on the tree stump hunny, please come and hug me” It’s so damn irrational I know but I am who I am… I exited the field and ensured the gate was secure and took up my position on this tree stump, a few cars passed even a police van but no one noticed my tears and most would assume as I had my camera with me that it was just some guy making the most of a photo opportunity.. The deer was still in the adjacent field, Windermere below me was an ever changing landscape as the boats and the tree shadows and clouds changed it. I knew I’d met her needs in full. I hadn’t previously thought about my own ashes when that day ultimately comes but now I’m positive I want to be ‘reunited’ with Julie, another trip to the solicitors will be happening soon regarding the house so I’ll have my will re-written then. Remember, the only guarantee your wishes will be fulfilled is if you state them in a legal document such as a will.

With these rings....

I was still holding our wedding jewellery on the necklace as the time approached 1pm; I explained how excited I was waiting for her to walk into the room, how radiant she looked as she walked to take

her position next to me. As my phone clicked to 1pm I just sobbed and howled, I was holding the rings so tightly they put an imprint into my fleshy palm. As I composed myself I kissed the rings and gazed at the nettles and the view. I took pictures of the rings on the tree stump and the words from our wedding were fresh in my head, “With this ring…” I sat there until approaching 2pm before I said my goodbyes; I said I’d be back next month for the next ‘first’ Julie’s birthday…. Then set off for the nearby Low Wood Bay Hotel, our favourite hotel where we stayed four times and I spent a couple of hours here taking in the lake view and enjoying a sandwich, there was a young couple on the next lounge table being served afternoon tea, the romance of it all wasn’t lost on me and of course I thought “I wish that was foxy and me”….

 

 

The rain began to set in and I decided to head south to my hotel near my office, for several reasons I didn’t want to be alone in ‘Shute Manor’ today.. It was only when I lay on my hotel bed around 8.30pm that I realised how emotionally draining today had been and the next thing I knew it was gone midnight….

The Dating Game..

 

 

 

It’s shortly time to update you on my attempts at dating but first, some day to day moving on stuff.

It’s amazing the things that ‘get to you’, I previously explained about the ambulance incident a couple of editions ago and whilst mainly I’m at peace with myself and my loss now it isn’t always the case and just the smallest of things can ‘set you off’…  Probably the strangest of late was my or rather ‘our car’… I’m not ‘Status or car orientated’, I barely own anything with a designer label and cars have always been about practicality not being swanky..

My last car when I bought it was a three year old VW Tiguan, Both Julie and I liked it for it was spacious and as a 4WD gave a bit more height which gave Julie added assurance both before and after she became ill, It lacked boot space especially at Xmas time when we headed to Grimsby loaded down with our suitcases and presents, thankfully the back seats folded down. The only time space was a problem was when on one of Julie’s ‘bucket list’ trips, driving to Aviemore with Casper & Annelise with us I’d worked out we would need a roof box too. We had many happy

Julie Enjoying Jersey 2014

journeys in that car including when we drove to Jersey, well we took the ferry too lol . Yes Julie was ill by then, in fact it was our final proper holiday, she so loved it…. Anyway, as usual, I digress. I recently had a premonition that at six years old it was time for the Tiguan to go. I’ve no idea what it was but something or ‘someone’? kept saying ‘Get rid of the car it’s going to start getting costly’. The upshot is I sold it. As I watched the car being driven away, like a child I just burst into tears, I’ve never felt any kind of affection towards a car before but somehow this was different, It was watching another part of my life with Julie & our memories leaving me. I felt a right charley as I walked back up my path sobbing, trying to tell myself, “It was just a car, it was just a bloody car"……….

A strange thing happened recently too,  out of the blue, a young lady called Becky who works for Macmillan as ‘Digital Communications Officer’ contacted me explaining ‘they’ had recently come across the blog and felt the ‘Macmillan – Their important role’ was a great read in terms of the information it shared in terms of how crucial their support was, Jayne our Macmillan Nurse featured and again I’ll go on the record of saying Julie’s pain Management, stress and agitation was kept under control thanks to Jayne’s caring, compassionate & rational team approach. Basically Becky wanted to know could they ‘promote the blog’ via their Facebook & Twitter accounts.  I was also asked to put a tip on their ‘The Source’ Website, I explained how talking with Jayne assisted Julie and myself (my mum too).. The promoting of that particular blog had an incredible impact, driving readership up to over 1,400 reads, in total now Fluff’s Journey has had an amazing 77,000 reads. https://source.macmillan.org.uk/blog/ 

May was Brain Tumour Awareness month & I was also asked to do a guest editor slot on their ‘Tip of the Week’ feature, feedback was that It reached 143,595 people on Macmillan’s  Facebook and just over 1,600 ‘reactions’ it turned out to be the 2^nd most popular post in the last two months. I feel very humbled and I am sure Julie would too that her story and her journey has touched so many other people. If we help just one person, just one, it will ease the pain of the significant loss of Julie to us all.

Talking about Cancer or the impact of it on you or a loved one can be difficult, did you know you can call Macmillan on 08088080000  Remember No one should face cancer alone…..

I’ve visited the family since the last blog too, they’re still tearful affairs for me, the journey over with an empty passenger seat, and how can it ‘hurt’ so bad? From nowhere my eyes still well up with tears. The grandchildren, all six of them put a smile on my face, bless them they’re too young to feel the impact of losing Grandma that Emma, Aaron, Vicky & Bob feel and they’re a refreshing distraction. Oliva ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ Buckley decided as we went to Cleethorpes Pleasure

Screaming Daredevil twins

Island Amusement Park that I should accompany her on rollercoasters and lord knows what, she is just fearless as are the twins, a heehee moment, on the roller coaster olli is more concerned about me and telling me as she held on to me “I’ve got you Andy, you’ll be alright”. Although unspoken we try to convince each other as ‘adults’ that we’re ok, it’s so obvious to all of us that we’re not. We’ve just passed the 9 month anniversary of losing Julie (I know, where does the time go?) but it feels at times like it was just yesterday….  I took over some of the gifts the children had given

A gift to Mum

Mum over the years, it’s not that I dislike them or don't want them but it’s more fitting now that they’re a memento of Mum.. I also took over Julie's perfumes & some photographs from her memories box for the children and for Julie’s dad, I also returned two pieces of family artwork that had belonged to Julie's Granny. Of all of us my heart goes out to Julie’s dad the most, he is truly heartbroken, no parent should have to attend their child’s funeral… As a distraction he’s treated himself to a beautiful young springer spaniel pup, it’s nice to see a smile on his face as he plays with her….

Well you have waited long enough to hear about the dating exploits. Surprisingly to me, the world must be full of women with poor eyesight for I’ve met my fair share of ladies in the last four months, sadly none of the meetings have progressed to anything but here is a glance at some of the events… It’s a rollercoaster ride I can tell you!

I met one lady who seemed very nice though she had family life complications including a couple of her adult children and one of their partner’s living with her and a grandchild not that I met them though mid telephone conversation one night her drunken son grabbed the phone and was being less than complimentary to me so I hung up and that was the end of that. It's obvious dating in your 50's that you're going to be often involved ultimately with more than just the person you're dating but I still expect to be treated with respect and I'm not used to a drunken culture..

Another lady, beautiful, seemed great fun and was very affectionate, she seemed to be a good match for me but everything was done by text message and arrangements to meet were pretty much always the day before we met. My initial thoughts were there was ‘someone else’ involved but that wasn’t so but whilst I don’t want to talk the hind legs off a donkey I don’t want to spend my life swapping lengthy  text messages when we’re apart when we could have made arrangements over the phone in probably less than a minute. I ultimately felt like I was being taken for granted and when one evening just before I set off from work to her apartment for a pre-arranged date night I text to say I was on my way, then was asked to text when a little nearer, I did but no response, I tried again and at this point with no response I messaged back saying I was heading straight home. Bizarrely a week later I got a message asking could we go out again… Seems to be the done thing from my experience now. As you read on you’ll see why I say that.

I met a woman for dinner one evening in Bolton, whilst she resembled her profile pictures off the dating website she’d either aged very quickly or, they were taken several years ago. I hate deceit and whilst her company over dinner was good, for many reasons including she’d have been out of my financial league and we had slightly different interests it wasn’t going to work for me, seemed not for her neither for the next morning I received a message in summary saying "thanks but no thanks". That was back in March and then just two days ago (June) she called me again! For reasons I’ll go into probably in the next blog I’ve decided to extract myself from the dating arena and I explained to this lady but how bizarre to make contact again hoping to pick up where you left off.

I contacted another woman around the same time, arranged to meet the next evening, the next evening she’s just disappeared. A month later I contacted a woman and arranged to meet her and as we chatted the night away she dropped out “We spoke before you know”… Same woman though she had changed her hair style & colour. She was fun but a lot younger than me and whilst I do not believe I’ve ‘banged on about Julie’ it’s natural that she came up in conversation and I’d answer any questions any of my dates had about her. We were seeing each other until just before I took Julie’s ashes to the lake district, I explained it was a private family event and she seemed to understand but there was no contact from her after I returned home. Wonder if she’ll call again…

I met another woman, very pretty, very ‘fit looking’, self employed, own successful business, we met for dinner three times we got on amazingly, whilst she had grown up children they’d flown the nest and she had two dogs that seemed to be her life. Although we’d got on great, I wasn’t feeling any romance with her, it was almost like she’d found a mate to have dinner with. Easter weekend approached and I had no intention of spending four nights alone in Shute Manor so I booked a cottage near Carlisle and Hadrian’s wall, one part of our heritage I’d never seen.

I deliberately chose a two bedroomed cottage that was pet friendly, I contacted the lady concerned and explained what I’d done and invited her along for some or all of the long weekend. She was pleasantly pleased especially at my consideration over the dogs, I explained if we were to progress I appreciated the dogs would be an important part of ‘our lives’ so I needed to get to know them too. I explained about the two bedrooms and that she was under no pressure in regards to the sleeping arrangements. She decided to come up on the Saturday, she loved the cottage as did the dogs. Whilst still no affection being shown as such this felt initially very comfortable.. Then things started to go downhill for me.

As we sat there chatting the dogs were just finding their way around the cottage and taking in the view through the patio windows, then first one then the second jumped on the sofa.. I didn’t say anything initially but given this is someone else’s property, personally had they been my dogs there is no way they’d have been on the sofas let alone what followed.

As we sat on one sofa one of the dogs jumped on an adjacent one and started rubbing its face on the cushions, I understand dog’s needs to mark their territories and there could have been worse ways to do this lol… But then as she giggled at the dog doing this said “She’s funny her, you watch her she’ll start humping the pillow next”..! Sure enough this small dog mounts the pillow and well…..my jaw is bouncing off the floor, I hadn’t come away for the weekend to watch dogs perform pillow porn lol! You could not make this up and not for the first time in my life I’ve thought “This could only happen to me”…I politely told her to take the dog off the sofa…. In my head I’ve already decided none of this is compatible with me and I wasn’t disappointed that later she chose to sleep on her own.

Sunday I drove us and the dogs up to Gretna Green, allegedly the most romantic place in the UK but as we toured one of the Blacksmith’s wedding chapels still no chemistry..  As we got back to the cottage and had a coffee she said “I don’t know what to do”, I queried the statement,  apparently she had arranged to have lunch with her daughter on Monday and didn’t know if to travel back ‘tonight’ or in the morning. I took this as an ideal moment to say “Probably best to go tonight as the traffic may be bad tomorrow being a bank holiday”. So with that she set off.

Monday morning I set off for the Lake District and to the spot I’d chosen for Julie’s ashes to be scattered just to reassure myself one last time.

Not long after I got home a previous young lady I’d met, who I thought we were getting on really well together, but subsequently she also ‘ditched me’ was texting me to say “I really miss you”…. Stupidly I gave this woman another chance but within a fortnight I was well and truly kicked to the curb again!

It’s almost like they ‘test the waters’ with me then decide “nah he’s not for me” to then probably date a few arses and then realise Andy was a nice guy after all!

To be honest it’s tiring and the constant ups and downs of it get me down. I don’t believe I’ve been over the top, spoken about Julie too much or tried to smoother them with kindness affection and gestures, I’d rather go at ‘their pace’..

One last one for you, the date that never was….

I contacted a woman who seemed lovely and certainly looked good in her pictures and she was relatively local to me. Sods law was it was just before Mother’s day weekend and I was going down to see Mum/Maureen. It was the Thursday daytime around noon & I swapped messages, I told her I’d message her then call her on my way home from work after she’d supplied me her number.

I left work at 6 and sent her a message that said “Hiya, I’ve just finished work and am in my car, fancy a chat?” Well I drove almost 40 miles and no response. I stopped for petrol and as I got in my car saw a message had landed, it read “No you cannot! I’ve been waiting for you to get in touch instead you’re chatting to other women on Plenty of Fish, forget it!” I was gobsmacked I’d been working not chatting to anyone on POF so I messaged her back even sent a pic of my car dashboard. “I’ve been driving for 45 minutes, I have NOT been on POF, nor am I talking to anyone else!”, she called me most apologetic saying I was showing as being on line – I never log out of the site but I definitely hadn’t been back on POF. Anyway, we chatted I said I’d like to take her to dinner but as it was mother’s day and I was visiting my mum I couldn’t until the Monday night, she was fine with that and I made reservations at a restaurant for us.

Friday I was busy and sent one message saying “Hope you’re having a great day”, Saturday as I was out for lunch with Mum I messaged her saying again “Hiya, hope you’re having a great day”, this came back “Look if you’ve gone away for the weekend with another woman just tell me and we’ll call it a day”! I sent her a pic of my 84 year old hot date and a message to that effect lol. Message came back saying “I thought you’d gone away with someone else”…. Phew, clearly major trust and insecurity issues here, I was beginning to have my doubts on this. Saturday night late on we chatted on the phone for almost two hours, we were clearly getting on well but I expressed my concerns over the trust issues and even said “Whichever man has hurt you so badly for this insecurity to rear its head has a lot to answer for” I told her I was genuine and once we had met on Monday night I’m sure she would be reassured.

Sunday Morning I was about to set off for home and I checked my emails, there were two from the admin team at POF saying “You’ve got new messages”, puzzled as my profile is hidden, (I always hid my profile once I was seeing someone) so I went on to the website, the messages were just POF saying “New members, check them out”.. I then thought I’d better let my date to be know that I’d been back on POF & why after the last blowout over this. The response that came back was unreal, not much shocks me but this did! “You’re a F*****g liar, you’re back on there talking to other women, I’m F*****g sick to death of your type messing me about and lying” I messaged back “I’ve not messed you about, I’ve been totally honest with you, I’m sorry though and I’ve never done this before but our dinner date is cancelled, you, your insecurities and I are clearly not suited, good bye”… Another tirade of vitriolic abuse followed and I just messaged back saying “Please do not message me again”…  Phew! It’s hard work and it’s stressful…

So there you have it, my dating experiences to date.   I should count myself lucky that women want to meet me at least once. All I want though is someone to share some good times with and to be part of me rebuilding my life and moving on, seems even that is too much for me to ask for.

So, a combination of my experiences plus; so long as I live at Shute Manor I’ll invariably end up dating local women and if that occurs I’ll probably never move and I am now adamant I will so I decided no more dating or dating websites for me until I’ve sold Shute Manor, it makes sense to wait until I’ve relocated and find someone local to me there, I’d hope that will be in the next 3-4 months but until then I don’t need the added stress, grief and hassle that’s seeking me out it seems.